Boyfriend blows up every time the house is messy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should mention that I’ve repeatedly told him that the blow ups are not acceptable, and he’s made some efforts over the past month to become calmer, including meditation daily, using an anxiety workbook, and working with a therapist. He keeps telling me that change takes some time, and doesn’t want me to give up on him. I hope he can change and I’ve worked on being cleaner, but I’m thinking this could be a larger issue.

For now, the blow ups have only related to cleaning, but it could be something else down the line.

How did he react to his own most recent blowup? Was he able to halt himself mid-blowup and say, "Wait, I'm overreacting here and I'm going to go for a walk and cool off" and then he came back and apologized and started washing the dishes himself etc.? THAT would give me some hope if I were in your shoes. But he didn't do any of that, did he? If he were absorbing any of what he's doing to supposedly improve himself, he would be able to back off when he feels himself getting angry. He needs therapy for that anxiety, not just a workbook. And it sounds as if he's putting the burden on YOU to hang on, endure his mental mess and blowups, just wait and wait and he'll really change. But too much is at stake, OP. Don't get pregnant, whatever you do.

When you say you think this could be a larger issue, have you sat down and thought hard about other signs you see of rigidity and placing other things (clean house, job, friends, his family, politics, anything) ahead of you and the relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on your side until you said the kitchen isn’t clean at night. That’s actually gross - leaving dirty dishes or crumbs on the counters. It was the wrong thing we make sure is clean before bed - no matter what. Even if we have a major dinner party, every dish is done before bed. And really, it’s a much more pleasant morning when you enter a clean kitchen.

Why is cleaning the kitchen her job, though? He's the one with the higher standards, and they both eat dinner together. When a woman says her husband is a slob the response is "you just have unnecessarily high standards, if you care so much you clean it and don't be a nag." Now a girlfriend says her boyfriend blows up at her about crumbs on the counter that were there when *they both went to bed after dinner* and the response is "be a better homemaker, it's really important and pleasant when your kitchen is clean!"

OP dump this guy and don't come to misogyny.com for advice.

I think these are just standards that won't annoy people and are just good habits. No one should treat them like a bomb just went off though. They are just habits to cultivate.

So he should cultivate them. Why is he going to bed with a dirty kitchen?

Maybe he does clean and is tired of OP not ever doing it. I find it interesting that is this was reversed with a female OP talking about how her boyfriend leaves dishes out overnight, dirty clothes on the floor, etc. no one would say it’s her job to clean them. They’d be suggesting the fair play cards and getting him to do his share of cleaning. But now it’s the boyfriend’s job to clean the kitchen if he doesn’t want to live in filth?

And maybe OP is accurate and this guy is verbally abusive. Or maybe he has just reached the end of his rope with living in mess and isn’t handling it well. Either way they’re not compatible. But I think OP should adopt better habits for future relationships or date someone with low standards of cleanliness. If she is living like this before kids, I can’t imagine what her house will look like as a mom.

[Anonymous]

The main issue isn't just the messy/clean problem. It's that he's blowing up about it.

If he can't talk calmly about these things, that's not a good sign. And if you all can't keep the house relatively clean with just the 2 of you living there, that's also not a good sign. Kids add a huge amount of mess and "stuff management".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on your side until you said the kitchen isn’t clean at night. That’s actually gross - leaving dirty dishes or crumbs on the counters. It was the wrong thing we make sure is clean before bed - no matter what. Even if we have a major dinner party, every dish is done before bed. And really, it’s a much more pleasant morning when you enter a clean kitchen.

Why is cleaning the kitchen her job, though? He's the one with the higher standards, and they both eat dinner together. When a woman says her husband is a slob the response is "you just have unnecessarily high standards, if you care so much you clean it and don't be a nag." Now a girlfriend says her boyfriend blows up at her about crumbs on the counter that were there when *they both went to bed after dinner* and the response is "be a better homemaker, it's really important and pleasant when your kitchen is clean!"

OP dump this guy and don't come to misogyny.com for advice.

Cleaning the kitchen is not her job unless it's his job to do other stuff. Is he doing all the yard work, taking care of the cars, toilet cleanups, taking out the trash, laundry, etc. All depends on the division of labor.

I don't think I can deal with a guy that blows up a me, but I can't deal with OP and her dirtiness either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The blowing up part is all that matters. You need to think more highly of yourself than to accept that. It's totally unacceptable. You might want to consider therapy to find out why you put up with that. Now it's due to his opinion that you aren't cleaning enough, what will he be blowing up about next?

New poster. OP, the part in bold above is ALL that matters. Read it again. Nothing else matters. Please don't let the many posts about people's OWN ideas of what is messy or not, or how they would have you learn to clean up to their standards blah blah blah, affect your thinking here. This is not about the specific details of what is in the sink or whether there's a drop of makeup left on a countertop. I actually wish you hadn't posted those details because in classic DCUM style, those details (and self-righteous PPs scolding you about them) took over the thread.

As the smart PP above says: Think more highly of yourself. Grown-ups sometimes are messy. So freaking what. Grown-ups express their wants and needs with words, and also give the people they love a lot of slack and grace if they have differing ideas about day to day minor details. They act like partners and a team. Your BF is immature and lacks any grace toward you. As another PP noted, if you stay together and end up with a kid, your marriage will suck and nothing will ever be clean enough, neat enough for this guy.

Even if you're thinking, "Oh, that's not an issue, I don't want kids," do YOU want to live with blowups? Because if it's not about messiness (as he perceives "messiness") -- it's going to be about something else eventually. Please listen to those here who are telling you, from experience, that this is your red flag. He is rigid. He will proclaim, "I love you! I just need you to be clean!" But the second half of that is key. He really means: "I love you until you're not clean enough for me, and then my love is conditional." And anger follows. If you want to live always worried you've missed one drop of foundation spilled on a counter, or one hair left in a shower drain, stay with him. If you want to live without blowups, dump him.

+1

Dump him. I’m married to someone like this, and it’s awful. Because nothing is ever good enough and it will always be my fault, even though I do more than he does as it relates to 90% of what he’s blowing up about.

Be glad he showed you who he is now.

[Anonymous]

This thread is making me so grateful for my spouse. We are on the same level re: house stuff. And by the standards of a few PPs above, we're both apparently pigs. But we're happy and healthy (gosh, we haven't died from letting dishes soak overnight?! Amazing! How did we stay married 30 years?!).

OP, this is about more than the dishes and bathroom counter, isn't it? I urge you to consider other things you've seen but ignored, or explained away, or blamed yourself for, that might also show he's all about having things his own way, every day. That character trait is the real issue, not the fact that the blowups are about supposed messes. Seeing that is much more important than reading yet another post criticizing you, which is undeserved. Focus on the real and bigger issue here, the blowups. And please stop excusing them. His workbooks and meditation don't seem to be working, do they?

[Anonymous]

We live dishes in the sink most nights. I prefer to clean in the mornings. Sorry I think he’s a jerk in general, no one dictates in a true partnership. Cut you losses and move on. Better guys out there.

[Anonymous]

Look you have given him a great gift by identifying clearly how his behavior is unacceptable. Hopefully he will work on it but you don’t have to stay around and hope for the best while he does.

I completely agree that this is the easiest time of your relationship. It will get harder when you get older. Especially if you have kids but even if not you are going to eventually have real conflicts you have to work through. Like one of you has a big opportunity at work and wants to move for it. I did not realize how reactive my husband is until we were married and he has a lot of good qualities but I can’t overstate how hard these outbursts are on our relationship. He’s worked on it for years but when he’s stressed it continues to happen and I absolutely hate that my kids see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

Gross. I am not a clean frick, but I would hate to walk into the messy kitchen in the morning. Start cleaning up after yourself. Why the clothes on the floor? They have to be either hanging in the closet, folded in the dresser or in the laundry basket. The floor is not an option.

[Anonymous]

I could not live with a guy like that. I know someone who has a husband with OCD and every dish has to be arranged a certain way. Unloading the dishwasher is fraught. It just seems so very very hard and uncomfortable — and especially with kids or guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

Gross. I am not a clean frick, but I would hate to walk into the messy kitchen in the morning. Start cleaning up after yourself. Why the clothes on the floor? They have to be either hanging in the closet, folded in the dresser or in the laundry basket. The floor is not an option.

You sound insufferable, get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been living with my boyfriend, who is admittedly a clean freak. I’m naturally fairly messy, but do my best to keep everything clean. However, he get agitated if the house is messy for even a few hours. He’ll get mad for hours; usually these blowups occur in the mornings for some reason. I’m at my wits end. Are we just not compatible? I’ve been forcing him to get a therapist for his anxiety but don’t know if it will be enough.

This guy is not compatible with anyone. Please leave. This kind of verbal/emotional abuse is designed to make you walk on eggshells, constantly modifying your behavior to be compliant and please him.

It is not adult behavior. It may be due to anxiety, but it is not your job to force him to go to the therapist. If you are feeling extraordinarily kind, you tell him once that his explosive temper is unacceptable and he should see the therapist. The second time it happens, you leave.

Women get sucked into abusive relationships because they don't draw boundaries early on when they encounter boundary-testing behavior.

Ask me how I know?

+1

NP here. I also wish for a time machine. The ONLY way I would stay in this relationship is if he fully accepts that losing his temper/blowing up is unacceptable and wrong and HE takes the initiative to change it. Anything less is just him biding his time so he doesn't have to make any real change.

It's to be expected that posters are going to come on DCUM and blame you/call you a slob. But the level of cleanliness is not the issue, and you know it.

[Anonymous]

Definitely not compatible.

Instead of being mad, why doesn't he clean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound incompatible, no matter what. The important question for you is whose perspective on cleanliness lies outside the mainstream -- his or yours?

OP here. I’ve been working on trying to clean more. But I’m wondering if his reaction is overblown?

OP - why does it matter if his reaction is overblown or not? Serious question here. If it is - then you get to be "right" but that does not mean that you can make him change. If it is not overblown, does that mean you are more likely to change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound incompatible, no matter what. The important question for you is whose perspective on cleanliness lies outside the mainstream -- his or yours?

OP here. I’ve been working on trying to clean more. But I’m wondering if his reaction is overblown?

OP - why does it matter if his reaction is overblown or not? Serious question here. If it is - then you get to be "right" but that does not mean that you can make him change. If it is not overblown, does that mean you are more likely to change?

Also - you don't need to diagnosis him with anxiety or being abusive in order to know that his behavior doesn't work for YOU. And that is enough t decide that living together doesn't work for you - to know that you don't like his behavior as it is.