Boyfriend blows up every time the house is messy

[Anonymous]

It’s nice that he’s trying to get better but you will make each other miserable for life. Once you are married and have kids he’ll give up on the therapy — he’s just doing it to try to keep you. The best thing for both of you would be to break up - that may be the only way he ever takes this seriously enough to figure out how to really change. (Like how am addict often needs to hit bottom.). There are several of us on this thread that have lived this and we are giving you a magic crystal ball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you are genuinely trying to parse apart your role/responsibility here, which is commendable.

My 2 cents:

1) Responsible adults clean the kitchen before going to bed and clean makeup from the counter before exiting the bathroom. Your life will be better if you make these adjustments

2) Has your boyfriend tried discussing this with you civilly before blowing up and have you dismissed him/ got defensive? Consider this carefully.

3) Break up with this guy (being upset for hours about a dirty kitchen doesn’t bode well) but keep the above in mind for your own long term growth and being

I am a responsible adult. I do the dishes after work (work at home)... so that is breakfast and lunch dishes. After dinner I do most of the dishes but a few might stay in the sink until the morning. If anything is eaten after dinner... ice cream or something, those dishes get cleaned up in the am.

There is not rule that "responsible adults" have a clean kitchen eveyr night before bed.

I'm also not putting my makeup away every f'ing day, there is some makeup that will stay on the counter in perpetuity. I put it away 1x every 2 weeks so the cleaners can wipe down the sinks.

I don't need to make any adjustments to have a better life. Actually... go to bed with some dishes in the sink, finish them while you make coffee, YOUR life will be better when you stop making ridiculous rules.

Girl, you've revealed yourself, and it's not pretty. You are a slob, and most people will find you disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you are genuinely trying to parse apart your role/responsibility here, which is commendable.

My 2 cents:

1) Responsible adults clean the kitchen before going to bed and clean makeup from the counter before exiting the bathroom. Your life will be better if you make these adjustments

2) Has your boyfriend tried discussing this with you civilly before blowing up and have you dismissed him/ got defensive? Consider this carefully.

3) Break up with this guy (being upset for hours about a dirty kitchen doesn’t bode well) but keep the above in mind for your own long term growth and being

I am a responsible adult. I do the dishes after work (work at home)... so that is breakfast and lunch dishes. After dinner I do most of the dishes but a few might stay in the sink until the morning. If anything is eaten after dinner... ice cream or something, those dishes get cleaned up in the am.

There is not rule that "responsible adults" have a clean kitchen eveyr night before bed.

I'm also not putting my makeup away every f'ing day, there is some makeup that will stay on the counter in perpetuity. I put it away 1x every 2 weeks so the cleaners can wipe down the sinks.

I don't need to make any adjustments to have a better life. Actually... go to bed with some dishes in the sink, finish them while you make coffee, YOUR life will be better when you stop making ridiculous rules.

Girl, you've revealed yourself, and it's not pretty. You are a slob, and most people will find you disgusting.

DP. No, she's not a slob. You do realize she's talking about leaving her own makeup (in containers, not poured out in lakes on the countertop) on her own bathroom counter, don't you? I guess you'd lose your mind over how I keep my facial cleaning and skin care products on my counter in my bathroom that no one else uses. The hell if I'm putting away stuff I use twice every day. And enjoy your life of constant dishwashing. I picture you waking up in the night in a cold sweat of anxiety when you realize a spoon got left --gasp!--in the sink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s nice that he’s trying to get better but you will make each other miserable for life. Once you are married and have kids he’ll give up on the therapy — he’s just doing it to try to keep you. The best thing for both of you would be to break up - that may be the only way he ever takes this seriously enough to figure out how to really change. (Like how am addict often needs to hit bottom.). There are several of us on this thread that have lived this and we are giving you a magic crystal ball.

The bold, OP, the bold. Heed those who have been where you are now.

[Anonymous]

RUN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you are genuinely trying to parse apart your role/responsibility here, which is commendable.

My 2 cents:

1) Responsible adults clean the kitchen before going to bed and clean makeup from the counter before exiting the bathroom. Your life will be better if you make these adjustments

2) Has your boyfriend tried discussing this with you civilly before blowing up and have you dismissed him/ got defensive? Consider this carefully.

3) Break up with this guy (being upset for hours about a dirty kitchen doesn’t bode well) but keep the above in mind for your own long term growth and being

I am a responsible adult. I do the dishes after work (work at home)... so that is breakfast and lunch dishes. After dinner I do most of the dishes but a few might stay in the sink until the morning. If anything is eaten after dinner... ice cream or something, those dishes get cleaned up in the am.

There is not rule that "responsible adults" have a clean kitchen eveyr night before bed.

I'm also not putting my makeup away every f'ing day, there is some makeup that will stay on the counter in perpetuity. I put it away 1x every 2 weeks so the cleaners can wipe down the sinks.

I don't need to make any adjustments to have a better life. Actually... go to bed with some dishes in the sink, finish them while you make coffee, YOUR life will be better when you stop making ridiculous rules.

Girl, you've revealed yourself, and it's not pretty. You are a slob, and most people will find you disgusting.

DP. No, she's not a slob. You do realize she's talking about leaving her own makeup (in containers, not poured out in lakes on the countertop) on her own bathroom counter, don't you? I guess you'd lose your mind over how I keep my facial cleaning and skin care products on my counter in my bathroom that no one else uses. The hell if I'm putting away stuff I use twice every day. And enjoy your life of constant dishwashing. I picture you waking up in the night in a cold sweat of anxiety when you realize a spoon got left --gasp!--in the sink.

DP but you'd be surprised how many men view leaving dishes in the sink or clothes in the floor is slob behavior. Like, you can't open a drawer two inches below the bathroom counter and put your makeup away? That's straight up pig behavior 🐷

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a messy person. I don't like being a slob, but my executive function and organization skills are lacking. My whole life I've been shamed first by my parents, then by my husband. Funny, DH does not want to clean himself, he wants me to clean and maintain order while he gives “helpful tips”. I am always embarrassed, anxious, and tense about the state of my house. I hate hosting or having people over because god forbid not everything is put away. This is no way to live.
Don't be like me. Leave the guy and find someone who lets you relax in your home.

[Anonymous]

You’re not married to this man so why are you putting up with it? You woukd have more peace alone.

[Anonymous]

OP - consider alternative living arrangements if you two are really into being romantic partners. Live separately to keep the romance alive.

[Anonymous]

I agree you are not compatible. In my opinion, whoever has the "issue" is responsible for it. In my world I cannot stand dishes in the sink, messes on kitchen counters, etc. So I make sure they're clean before bed. It's my issue. Husband couldn't care less if there's a dish in the sink, so he leaves them there. It's my issue, so I put them away.

The other problem I see here is you "forcing him to go to therapy." That also doesn't seem healthy.

[Anonymous]

You are fundamentally incompatible. Get out now.

- Living with crazy clean freak DH 30 years later and I hate it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl… get out. It’s nice that he’s a neat freak. It’s not ok that he’s blowing up and being a jerk for hours about it. Imagine what it will be like when you have kids and it’s impossible to keep things neat.

Plus 1 million!

[Anonymous]

A lot of people with anxiety look to the external world to find something to control and that can be their houses. Anxiety makes them feel out of control of their thoughts / feelings and overwhelmed by their internal emotional state so they try to regain a feeling of control by cleaning or organizing or having things all be just right in the house so that they feel something is in control. Sometimes they try and control other people, not just the physical environment. No one likes to feel out of control and it is pretty typical to look to what you can control around you when you feel out of control of your internal emotional state or thoughts or some aspect of your life.

I would also say though that generally really neat and somewhat messy people are just not a good fit. If you read posts on here there are many who are upset by a spouse leaving their clothes all over the floor or leaving all the dirty dishes overnight or leaving their stuff just whereever they used it. Your boyfriend isn't atypical at all in that sense. It isn't uncommon at all to see partners have disagreements about cleanliness or cleaning expectatiosn or order / organization in the house.

[Anonymous]

There should be a balance in the house like yin yang with order and chaos. Both should be allowed to exist. If it's never orderly things become too chaotic. If it's always orderly it becomes too stale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you are genuinely trying to parse apart your role/responsibility here, which is commendable.

My 2 cents:

1) Responsible adults clean the kitchen before going to bed and clean makeup from the counter before exiting the bathroom. Your life will be better if you make these adjustments

2) Has your boyfriend tried discussing this with you civilly before blowing up and have you dismissed him/ got defensive? Consider this carefully.

3) Break up with this guy (being upset for hours about a dirty kitchen doesn’t bode well) but keep the above in mind for your own long term growth and being

I am a responsible adult. I do the dishes after work (work at home)... so that is breakfast and lunch dishes. After dinner I do most of the dishes but a few might stay in the sink until the morning. If anything is eaten after dinner... ice cream or something, those dishes get cleaned up in the am.

There is not rule that "responsible adults" have a clean kitchen eveyr night before bed.

I'm also not putting my makeup away every f'ing day, there is some makeup that will stay on the counter in perpetuity. I put it away 1x every 2 weeks so the cleaners can wipe down the sinks.

I don't need to make any adjustments to have a better life. Actually... go to bed with some dishes in the sink, finish them while you make coffee, YOUR life will be better when you stop making ridiculous rules.

Girl, you've revealed yourself, and it's not pretty. You are a slob, and most people will find you disgusting.

DP. No, she's not a slob. You do realize she's talking about leaving her own makeup (in containers, not poured out in lakes on the countertop) on her own bathroom counter, don't you? I guess you'd lose your mind over how I keep my facial cleaning and skin care products on my counter in my bathroom that no one else uses. The hell if I'm putting away stuff I use twice every day. And enjoy your life of constant dishwashing. I picture you waking up in the night in a cold sweat of anxiety when you realize a spoon got left --gasp!--in the sink.

DP but you'd be surprised how many men view leaving dishes in the sink or clothes in the floor is slob behavior. Like, you can't open a drawer two inches below the bathroom counter and put your makeup away? That's straight up pig behavior 🐷

You've clearly never lived with true mess, or dealt with a hoarder, or you would not be so rigid and foolish. If makeup bottles capped and stored on a countertop in a bathroom that's not used by guests is so very triggering for you, you should either live only with someone as rigid as you are or with no one else at all.

And I don't care what "many men" would think since my spouse of over 30 years keeps his shaving foam on his countertop. Pigs together!