Boyfriend blows up every time the house is messy

[Anonymous]

The blowing up part is all that matters. You need to think more highly of yourself than to accept that. It's totally unacceptable. You might want to consider therapy to find out why you put up with that. Now it's due to his opinion that you aren't cleaning enough, what will he be blowing up about next?

[Anonymous]

Leave him. He sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you are genuinely trying to parse apart your role/responsibility here, which is commendable.

My 2 cents:

1) Responsible adults clean the kitchen before going to bed and clean makeup from the counter before exiting the bathroom. Your life will be better if you make these adjustments

2) Has your boyfriend tried discussing this with you civilly before blowing up and have you dismissed him/ got defensive? Consider this carefully.

3) Break up with this guy (being upset for hours about a dirty kitchen doesn’t bode well) but keep the above in mind for your own long term growth and being

[Anonymous]

OP: are there children living in the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound incompatible, no matter what. The important question for you is whose perspective on cleanliness lies outside the mainstream -- his or yours?

OP here. I’ve been working on trying to clean more. But I’m wondering if his reaction is overblown?

You are making it seem like it but honestly you sound like a slob. My guess is you are a lot messier than you admit and what you describe as a “blowup” is irritation that has accumulated into resentment.

I don’t think you are compatible. And I think your efforts to make him the villain here is sad.

[Anonymous]

Nope, run OP. He’s no prize. Life is to dhort to cry — let alone scream— about a few dishes, clothing on the floor or makeup on the counter. There’s a happy medium with reasonable people. He’s not reasonable. Sounds like someone who should live alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was on your side until you said the kitchen isn’t clean at night. That’s actually gross - leaving dirty dishes or crumbs on the counters. It was the wrong thing we make sure is clean before bed - no matter what. Even if we have a major dinner party, every dish is done before bed. And really, it’s a much more pleasant morning when you enter a clean kitchen.

+1 at least rinse every plate (stack in sink) and throw away all trash/garbage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

Sounds like the average home of a trailer park resident. I'd be mad too

[Anonymous]

Run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The blowing up part is all that matters. You need to think more highly of yourself than to accept that. It's totally unacceptable. You might want to consider therapy to find out why you put up with that. Now it's due to his opinion that you aren't cleaning enough, what will he be blowing up about next?

New poster. OP, the part in bold above is ALL that matters. Read it again. Nothing else matters. Please don't let the many posts about people's OWN ideas of what is messy or not, or how they would have you learn to clean up to their standards blah blah blah, affect your thinking here. This is not about the specific details of what is in the sink or whether there's a drop of makeup left on a countertop. I actually wish you hadn't posted those details because in classic DCUM style, those details (and self-righteous PPs scolding you about them) took over the thread.

As the smart PP above says: Think more highly of yourself. Grown-ups sometimes are messy. So freaking what. Grown-ups express their wants and needs with words, and also give the people they love a lot of slack and grace if they have differing ideas about day to day minor details. They act like partners and a team. Your BF is immature and lacks any grace toward you. As another PP noted, if you stay together and end up with a kid, your marriage will suck and nothing will ever be clean enough, neat enough for this guy.

Even if you're thinking, "Oh, that's not an issue, I don't want kids," do YOU want to live with blowups? Because if it's not about messiness (as he perceives "messiness") -- it's going to be about something else eventually. Please listen to those here who are telling you, from experience, that this is your red flag. He is rigid. He will proclaim, "I love you! I just need you to be clean!" But the second half of that is key. He really means: "I love you until you're not clean enough for me, and then my love is conditional." And anger follows. If you want to live always worried you've missed one drop of foundation spilled on a counter, or one hair left in a shower drain, stay with him. If you want to live without blowups, dump him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

Sounds like the average home of a trailer park resident. I'd be mad too

Hilarious. My brother, who lived for a time in a "trailer park" in a trailer immaculately kept inside and outside, would like a word....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you are genuinely trying to parse apart your role/responsibility here, which is commendable.

My 2 cents:

1) Responsible adults clean the kitchen before going to bed and clean makeup from the counter before exiting the bathroom. Your life will be better if you make these adjustments

2) Has your boyfriend tried discussing this with you civilly before blowing up and have you dismissed him/ got defensive? Consider this carefully.

3) Break up with this guy (being upset for hours about a dirty kitchen doesn’t bode well) but keep the above in mind for your own long term growth and being

I am a responsible adult. I do the dishes after work (work at home)... so that is breakfast and lunch dishes. After dinner I do most of the dishes but a few might stay in the sink until the morning. If anything is eaten after dinner... ice cream or something, those dishes get cleaned up in the am.

There is not rule that "responsible adults" have a clean kitchen eveyr night before bed.

I'm also not putting my makeup away every f'ing day, there is some makeup that will stay on the counter in perpetuity. I put it away 1x every 2 weeks so the cleaners can wipe down the sinks.

I don't need to make any adjustments to have a better life. Actually... go to bed with some dishes in the sink, finish them while you make coffee, YOUR life will be better when you stop making ridiculous rules.

[Anonymous]

YOU NEED TO BREAK UP!

Why would you even consider staying with a person like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was on your side until you said the kitchen isn’t clean at night. That’s actually gross - leaving dirty dishes or crumbs on the counters. It was the wrong thing we make sure is clean before bed - no matter what. Even if we have a major dinner party, every dish is done before bed. And really, it’s a much more pleasant morning when you enter a clean kitchen.

In my house, my husband is in charge of the dishes and keeping the kitchen clean. That comes with me having to let go of him sometimes leaving dishes until morning, etc. Either you are in charge of doing the cleaning, or you have to be more flexible about how and when the cleaning gets done. I think.

I'll just say for me and my husband, we did fight a fair amount about cleaning and that sort of thing when we were getting used to living together. 14 years in we've adapted to each other a lot better. It's hard to say without knowing more whether OP and her boyfriend are just at that stage of having to learn what it's actually like sharing space all the time with another human being - with all the ups and downs that come with it - or if the boyfriend is an unreasonable and volatile neat freak.

OP - what do you think? Are you and your boyfriend both there ready to put in the work to learn how to live together, or do you feel like this just isn't what you want to sign up for? Either decision is fair!

[Anonymous]

End it. Leave. Get out now.