Boyfriend blows up every time the house is messy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to discuss and agree on division of labor, what needs to be done every night before bed and who is going to do it. It has to be explicit or it will never work out.

That's a depressing thought about how one might spend the next 70 years of her life. If she has to do this, this guy's not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this your boyfriend

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1132606.page

OP here. It’s not the same person.

[Anonymous]

If he can't have an adult conversation about household labor with you, break up. He can find someone who loves tidiness as much as he does.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a slob and he's a combustible pot waiting to blow. You're both lucky you found each other. Don't break up just so you can both go damage other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been living with my boyfriend, who is admittedly a clean freak. I’m naturally fairly messy, but do my best to keep everything clean. However, he get agitated if the house is messy for even a few hours. He’ll get mad for hours; usually these blowups occur in the mornings for some reason. I’m at my wits end. Are we just not compatible? I’ve been forcing him to get a therapist for his anxiety but don’t know if it will be enough.

This guy is not compatible with anyone. Please leave. This kind of verbal/emotional abuse is designed to make you walk on eggshells, constantly modifying your behavior to be compliant and please him.

It is not adult behavior. It may be due to anxiety, but it is not your job to force him to go to the therapist. If you are feeling extraordinarily kind, you tell him once that his explosive temper is unacceptable and he should see the therapist. The second time it happens, you leave.

Women get sucked into abusive relationships because they don't draw boundaries early on when they encounter boundary-testing behavior.

Boyfriends sounds very OCD with a terrible temper. LEAVE.

Ask me how I know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

So why does he have the right to yell at you for the food you both ate? He's so agitated that he blows up but not actually agitated enough to just wipe down the counter himself?

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around him.

[Anonymous]

Girl… get out. It’s nice that he’s a neat freak. It’s not ok that he’s blowing up and being a jerk for hours about it. Imagine what it will be like when you have kids and it’s impossible to keep things neat.

[Anonymous]

Please please leave him now. Imagine having two kids, and you come home from work and the kids immediately spill something and then dump over a container of toys looking for the right one and you are exhausted and need to get dinner in oven and ….
I don’t care whether he’s going to therapy and I don’t care whether you think you can be neater — this will 100% get much much worse once you have kids and other life stressors (elderly Iill parents, health issues of your own, stressful jobs). If you don’t leave, you will be wishing for a Time Machine in 20 years. Listen to us on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please please leave him now. Imagine having two kids, and you come home from work and the kids immediately spill something and then dump over a container of toys looking for the right one and you are exhausted and need to get dinner in oven and ….
I don’t care whether he’s going to therapy and I don’t care whether you think you can be neater — this will 100% get much much worse once you have kids and other life stressors (elderly Iill parents, health issues of your own, stressful jobs). If you don’t leave, you will be wishing for a Time Machine in 20 years. Listen to us on this.

This was my first thought too. He would be a disaster with kids.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a mom like this. It really doesn't bode well for marriage or raising kids with them. He likely has some control issues and anxiety, and if he doesn't figure out how to manage those, they will get worse over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

That's foul. After finishing dinner, you clean up from it and shut down the kitchen for the night. I can't understand why adults would have clothes on the floor. Don't you have a hamper or laundry bag for dirty clothes? Get Clorox Wipes and wipe the bathroom counter right before leaving the bathroom so there's no makeup left. When you say you clean frequently, does that mean daily? Because that's how often people need to clean to have a tidy home.

+1 I have 3 kids and a full time job and I don’t live like this. DH and I do dishes nightly before we sit down to relax. Clothes go in hampers. My makeup is not smeared anywhere. I think OP is a slob and blaming her boyfriend as having anxiety. Which maybe he does. But she’s not being sympathetic to the fact living in a cluttered messy home exacerbates things for him.

Obviously we’re all going to have times when things are a mess because we’re actively cooking, doing laundry, kids are doing art projects, etc. But things should be tidied daily.

[Anonymous]

My husband is neater than me. I’m messy. He has never, ever yelled at me, given me the silent treatment, etc. We have certainly had conversations about it. He has expressed his displeasure. I am better at some things. Some things he has to accept.

What you are dealing with is wrong. You should move out and dump him. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

Sounds pretty filthy, but he shouldn’t “blow up”! That said, if my partner was messy like that, I couldn’t deal. I would POLITELY and directly discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

Disgusting. Leaving out a mess that could attract mice or bugs overnight is disgusting. Clean up the kitchen, always, at the VERY least.