Boyfriend blows up every time the house is messy

[Anonymous]

Whether you are a slob or he is a neat freak really doesn’t matter. You aren’t compatible. Even if he learns to not blow up at you, you will likely never be neat enough for him and spend your whole relationship trying to please him. You shouldn’t have to live like that, and he should be with a partner who is as clean as he is naturally!

I am a total mess and my husband is fairly neat. I cannot imagine him ever getting angry with me about it! It’s just not a big issue in our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Stop wasting your time with this guy. Being a neat freak isn't a sin, but being abusive IS. He does not deserve to live with anyone, even another neat freak, because as soon as this other person will displease him, he will become abusive. He doesn't know how to communicate.

Tick tock. Dump him ASAP.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like the worst. All the cleaning is your responsibility AND he thinks it's okay to "blow up" at you??

These things only get worse with time - he will take you for granted when you are married, life will be more stressful and very messy with kids, etc. Get out now -- he's not your project to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please please leave him now. Imagine having two kids, and you come home from work and the kids immediately spill something and then dump over a container of toys looking for the right one and you are exhausted and need to get dinner in oven and ….
I don’t care whether he’s going to therapy and I don’t care whether you think you can be neater — this will 100% get much much worse once you have kids and other life stressors (elderly Iill parents, health issues of your own, stressful jobs). If you don’t leave, you will be wishing for a Time Machine in 20 years. Listen to us on this.

+1 this phase of the relationship and of life is the easy part!! Don't stay if it's already so bad and gratuitously stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound incompatible, no matter what. The important question for you is whose perspective on cleanliness lies outside the mainstream -- his or yours?

OP here. I’ve been working on trying to clean more. But I’m wondering if his reaction is overblown?

It doesn’t matter if it’s overblown. It’s how he rolls. Once you add kids to the mix, that sort of reaction is a disaster.

My dh has issues around clutter. It’s a childhood trigger for him. It’s great that I understand that, but it’s still really painful and annoying to live with. It’s hard to avoid clutter with kids. If he’s blowing up now, it won’t get better. You have to figure out if you’re okay living with someone who has that reaction to everyday messes.

[Anonymous]

My friend married a neat freak traditionalist who expected to come home from work and find a spotless house with a lovely wife cooking dinner and cherubic children. Instead, he would glower and fume and act all put-upon when he came home to a lived-in house (still very neat, because my friend is tidy and organized!), with his sons playing with toys on the floors of the living room. It was a point of contention in their marriage. I mean, they picked a WHITE SHAG RUG for their living room when their kids were toddlers. And expected it to stay that way.

Years later he had a breakdown at work because of his perfectionist tendencies.

I hope he's doing better now, but I visited them recently, and boy, are his sons super uptight and careful around him. Walking on eggshells, even though he was in an expansive, genial mood that day.

You do NOT want to live with someone like this for ever, OP. It will traumatize you and traumatize any children that you bring into the world. There is nothing wrong with being a slob. It's the way some people are wired to be (check to see if you have ADHD!).

You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is neater than me. I’m messy. He has never, ever yelled at me, given me the silent treatment, etc. We have certainly had conversations about it. He has expressed his displeasure. I am better at some things. Some things he has to accept.

What you are dealing with is wrong. You should move out and dump him. Life is too short.

Same here. Adults communicate about issues. They don’t yell, pout, give the silent treatment. He sounds immature and with very stunted communication skills. I would definitely leave him - a life with him and kids sounds like a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

Sounds pretty filthy, but he shouldn’t “blow up”! That said, if my partner was messy like that, I couldn’t deal. I would POLITELY and directly discuss it.

Agreed. Maybe she can use him for a bit to get her act together. Really those minor clean ups are expected of everyone if you want to run a household and raise kids, so it's best to learn how to do them after use. But the blowing up says to me that he can't control himself and there will be another expectation hoop for her to jump as soon as this one is a habit. Is he working on his behavior as much as you are working on your cleanliness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

That's foul. After finishing dinner, you clean up from it and shut down the kitchen for the night. I can't understand why adults would have clothes on the floor. Don't you have a hamper or laundry bag for dirty clothes? Get Clorox Wipes and wipe the bathroom counter right before leaving the bathroom so there's no makeup left. When you say you clean frequently, does that mean daily? Because that's how often people need to clean to have a tidy home.

OP please break up with your BF and send his number to this person. They would be a perfect match.

If they are really this OCD, they should not have kids. Unless they can afford a live-in housekeeper.

In my relationship, DH cares more about cleanliness (no crumbs on the counters) and I care more about tidiness (no papers or toys strewn about). We have a nightly tidy-up routine but sometimes things fall by the wayside (sick kid, busy work period, etc.) Guess what we do when the house isn’t meeting our standards? We don’t yell at each other, we clean it ourselves!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

I don’t think he should blow up at you but what you are doing would not work for me either. I have raised 3 children, lived alone before marriage, and with roommates in college, and I have always cleaned the kitchen at night. Made dinners, packed lunches, hosted parties, and I e never gone to bed with a sink full of dishes or a dirty counter. I’ve been that way my entire life and luckily my dh got on board pretty quickly. Also, always have a hamper so easy to toss clothes in.

Even my son recently said”clean up as you go, you taught me that mom.” 10-15 minutes to tidy will save you hours! Talk it over and you do a bit more, he does a bit more, and agree to what you can let go. Wish you well!

[Anonymous]

I was on your side until you said the kitchen isn’t clean at night. That’s actually gross - leaving dirty dishes or crumbs on the counters. It was the wrong thing we make sure is clean before bed - no matter what. Even if we have a major dinner party, every dish is done before bed. And really, it’s a much more pleasant morning when you enter a clean kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was on your side until you said the kitchen isn’t clean at night. That’s actually gross - leaving dirty dishes or crumbs on the counters. It was the wrong thing we make sure is clean before bed - no matter what. Even if we have a major dinner party, every dish is done before bed. And really, it’s a much more pleasant morning when you enter a clean kitchen.

Why is cleaning the kitchen her job, though? He's the one with the higher standards, and they both eat dinner together. When a woman says her husband is a slob the response is "you just have unnecessarily high standards, if you care so much you clean it and don't be a nag." Now a girlfriend says her boyfriend blows up at her about crumbs on the counter that were there when *they both went to bed after dinner* and the response is "be a better homemaker, it's really important and pleasant when your kitchen is clean!"

OP dump this guy and don't come to misogyny.com for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been living with my boyfriend, who is admittedly a clean freak. I’m naturally fairly messy, but do my best to keep everything clean. However, he get agitated if the house is messy for even a few hours. He’ll get mad for hours; usually these blowups occur in the mornings for some reason. I’m at my wits end. Are we just not compatible? I’ve been forcing him to get a therapist for his anxiety but don’t know if it will be enough.

This guy is not compatible with anyone. Please leave. This kind of verbal/emotional abuse is designed to make you walk on eggshells, constantly modifying your behavior to be compliant and please him.

It is not adult behavior. It may be due to anxiety, but it is not your job to force him to go to the therapist. If you are feeling extraordinarily kind, you tell him once that his explosive temper is unacceptable and he should see the therapist. The second time it happens, you leave.

Women get sucked into abusive relationships because they don't draw boundaries early on when they encounter boundary-testing behavior.

Ask me how I know?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on your side until you said the kitchen isn’t clean at night. That’s actually gross - leaving dirty dishes or crumbs on the counters. It was the wrong thing we make sure is clean before bed - no matter what. Even if we have a major dinner party, every dish is done before bed. And really, it’s a much more pleasant morning when you enter a clean kitchen.

Why is cleaning the kitchen her job, though? He's the one with the higher standards, and they both eat dinner together. When a woman says her husband is a slob the response is "you just have unnecessarily high standards, if you care so much you clean it and don't be a nag." Now a girlfriend says her boyfriend blows up at her about crumbs on the counter that were there when *they both went to bed after dinner* and the response is "be a better homemaker, it's really important and pleasant when your kitchen is clean!"

OP dump this guy and don't come to misogyny.com for advice.

I think these are just standards that won't annoy people and are just good habits. No one should treat them like a bomb just went off though. They are just habits to cultivate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on your side until you said the kitchen isn’t clean at night. That’s actually gross - leaving dirty dishes or crumbs on the counters. It was the wrong thing we make sure is clean before bed - no matter what. Even if we have a major dinner party, every dish is done before bed. And really, it’s a much more pleasant morning when you enter a clean kitchen.

Why is cleaning the kitchen her job, though? He's the one with the higher standards, and they both eat dinner together. When a woman says her husband is a slob the response is "you just have unnecessarily high standards, if you care so much you clean it and don't be a nag." Now a girlfriend says her boyfriend blows up at her about crumbs on the counter that were there when *they both went to bed after dinner* and the response is "be a better homemaker, it's really important and pleasant when your kitchen is clean!"

OP dump this guy and don't come to misogyny.com for advice.

I think these are just standards that won't annoy people and are just good habits. No one should treat them like a bomb just went off though. They are just habits to cultivate.

So he should cultivate them. Why is he going to bed with a dirty kitchen?