Boyfriend blows up every time the house is messy

[Anonymous]

I’ve been living with my boyfriend, who is admittedly a clean freak. I’m naturally fairly messy, but do my best to keep everything clean. However, he get agitated if the house is messy for even a few hours. He’ll get mad for hours; usually these blowups occur in the mornings for some reason. I’m at my wits end. Are we just not compatible? I’ve been forcing him to get a therapist for his anxiety but don’t know if it will be enough.

[Anonymous]

Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

[Anonymous]

My vote is not compatible.

[Anonymous]

You sound incompatible, no matter what. The important question for you is whose perspective on cleanliness lies outside the mainstream -- his or yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound incompatible, no matter what. The important question for you is whose perspective on cleanliness lies outside the mainstream -- his or yours?

OP here. I’ve been working on trying to clean more. But I’m wondering if his reaction is overblown?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

If you both ate dinner together, then it seems odd that he would "blow up" about dishes and counters the next morning, since he would have been equally responsible for cleaning them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound incompatible, no matter what. The important question for you is whose perspective on cleanliness lies outside the mainstream -- his or yours?

OP here. I’ve been working on trying to clean more. But I’m wondering if his reaction is overblown?

Don't try too hard to accommodate this guy. --dad of daughters here.
You may just need to move on.

What was his home life like? Did they have a full time maid? Did his mom wait on him hand and foot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been living with my boyfriend, who is admittedly a clean freak. I’m naturally fairly messy, but do my best to keep everything clean. However, he get agitated if the house is messy for even a few hours. He’ll get mad for hours; usually these blowups occur in the mornings for some reason. I’m at my wits end. Are we just not compatible? I’ve been forcing him to get a therapist for his anxiety but don’t know if it will be enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been living with my boyfriend, who is admittedly a clean freak. I’m naturally fairly messy, but do my best to keep everything clean. However, he get agitated if the house is messy for even a few hours. He’ll get mad for hours; usually these blowups occur in the mornings for some reason. I’m at my wits end. Are we just not compatible? I’ve been forcing him to get a therapist for his anxiety but don’t know if it will be enough.

This guy is not compatible with anyone. Please leave. This kind of verbal/emotional abuse is designed to make you walk on eggshells, constantly modifying your behavior to be compliant and please him.

It is not adult behavior. It may be due to anxiety, but it is not your job to force him to go to the therapist. If you are feeling extraordinarily kind, you tell him once that his explosive temper is unacceptable and he should see the therapist. The second time it happens, you leave.

Women get sucked into abusive relationships because they don't draw boundaries early on when they encounter boundary-testing behavior.

Ask me how I know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been living with my boyfriend, who is admittedly a clean freak. I’m naturally fairly messy, but do my best to keep everything clean. However, he get agitated if the house is messy for even a few hours. He’ll get mad for hours; usually these blowups occur in the mornings for some reason. I’m at my wits end. Are we just not compatible? I’ve been forcing him to get a therapist for his anxiety but don’t know if it will be enough.

This guy is not compatible with anyone. Please leave. This kind of verbal/emotional abuse is designed to make you walk on eggshells, constantly modifying your behavior to be compliant and please him.

It is not adult behavior. It may be due to anxiety, but it is not your job to force him to go to the therapist. If you are feeling extraordinarily kind, you tell him once that his explosive temper is unacceptable and he should see the therapist. The second time it happens, you leave.

Women get sucked into abusive relationships because they don't draw boundaries early on when they encounter boundary-testing behavior.

Ask me how I know?

OP here. He’s seeing a therapist now after I told him he has symptoms of an anxiety disorder. I didn’t think the blow ups were acceptable, even if I do agree that I need to be cleaner.

[Anonymous]

You have to discuss and agree on division of labor, what needs to be done every night before bed and who is going to do it. It has to be explicit or it will never work out.

[Anonymous]

Is this your boyfriend

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1132606.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been living with my boyfriend, who is admittedly a clean freak. I’m naturally fairly messy, but do my best to keep everything clean. However, he get agitated if the house is messy for even a few hours. He’ll get mad for hours; usually these blowups occur in the mornings for some reason. I’m at my wits end. Are we just not compatible? I’ve been forcing him to get a therapist for his anxiety but don’t know if it will be enough.

This guy is not compatible with anyone. Please leave. This kind of verbal/emotional abuse is designed to make you walk on eggshells, constantly modifying your behavior to be compliant and please him.

It is not adult behavior. It may be due to anxiety, but it is not your job to force him to go to the therapist. If you are feeling extraordinarily kind, you tell him once that his explosive temper is unacceptable and he should see the therapist. The second time it happens, you leave.

Women get sucked into abusive relationships because they don't draw boundaries early on when they encounter boundary-testing behavior.

Ask me how I know?

OP here. He’s seeing a therapist now after I told him he has symptoms of an anxiety disorder. I didn’t think the blow ups were acceptable, even if I do agree that I need to be cleaner.

dad again. great, he's seeing the therapist. any more "blow ups" about this, or even little criticisms, or you feeling like you've got to keep a perfect house to keep him happy, and he's gone. or you're gone, whatever. I mean, he needs to be doing a total 180, and it should be so obvious to you. Anything less than that, no. Get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define messy. Do you clean the kitchen before going to bed? Or is he waking up to last night's dinner mess each morning? Do you throw clothes on the floor? Are you eating on the couch and leaving crumbs all over?

OP here. Meaning us leaving dishes in the sink from the evening before, not wiping down the counters, maybe some clothes on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, etc. I do clean up frequently, its just the periods of time when things aren’t clean that are causing the issues.

That's foul. After finishing dinner, you clean up from it and shut down the kitchen for the night. I can't understand why adults would have clothes on the floor. Don't you have a hamper or laundry bag for dirty clothes? Get Clorox Wipes and wipe the bathroom counter right before leaving the bathroom so there's no makeup left. When you say you clean frequently, does that mean daily? Because that's how often people need to clean to have a tidy home.