When a friend always brings down the mood with their trauma, would this be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

Laypeople are not trained or equipped to deal with trauma. They can hear about, empathize and offer advice a few times, but they are not equipped to offer long-term support. Professional therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists go through years of specialized training and have a code of conduct, rules and protocol that protect them and their patients that they follow in their practices.

Hearing about and offering support a few times? Yes, of course, friends can do that. But friends aren’t therapists and they cannot act like or help like therapists. I say this as someone who suffered from PPD and PTSD following a traumatic birth.

+1

OP, please heed the person above.

I would absolutely talk with her lovingly about getting therapy starting ASAP. But I would leave the social aspect out of that conversation entirely. Make it only about how you know she's hurting and you truly hope she will get professional help because it's so clear how fresh her pain is. If it would assist her, you could help her look up therapists (she can start with her health insurer's list but she may need to pay and go outside that list). But I would NOT bring up "When you socialize with others, you constantly raise this issue, and it's affecting how people see you...." Nope. That's true, for sure, but it's not time to bring that up. She needs serious, professional help if she's not getting it already. She could possibly withdraw or be embarrassed and stop socializing if she hears that she's putting people off. You don't want that, but you do want her to get real help.

If she says anything like, "But venting helps me and I need to express it" or "Friends can help me, I don't need therapy" etc. -- please, please use the PP's post above as your script. "Hearing about and offering support a few times? Yes, of course, friends can do that. But friends aren’t therapists and they cannot act like or help like therapists. Professional therapists have rules that protect you as the patient, and training your friends don't have."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They way I've handled it is by saying something like, "You know, you've opened up about x, and what I'm hearing is that you're in a lot of pain. I care about you and I don't want you to suffer. Have you ever thought about seeking professional help?" And then leave it alone and never bring it up again.

The problem isn’t OP bringing it up, it’s that the friend constantly brings it up at inappropriate times. This isn’t a “you should get therapy” and ignore scenario.

It's fair to bring it up bc she may not realize she is trauma dumping and may need a nudge to seek professional help that could actually help her. That said, if she continues to trauma dump, I'd be more selective in where I invite her.

I say this as someone who trauma dumped, became even more isolated, did EMDR and somatic experiencing work and who has developed healthier boundaries and a social network with various levels of intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

Here’s a better Harry Potter example for you: Harry, Luna and Neville all experienced great personal loss and trauma, but they still managed to enjoy friendships, have fun, be social, learn new things, try new things, and fight for what they believed in. You’re more like Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady: ghosts forever stuck and choosing not to move on.

Harry's loss is referred to in almost every chapter of the series.

Nevilles and Lunas traumas are referred to quite frequently as well. All three have those traumas as part of their personality, and their friends are ok with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

Here’s a better Harry Potter example for you: Harry, Luna and Neville all experienced great personal loss and trauma, but they still managed to enjoy friendships, have fun, be social, learn new things, try new things, and fight for what they believed in. You’re more like Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady: ghosts forever stuck and choosing not to move on.

Harry's loss is referred to in almost every chapter of the series.

Nevilles and Lunas traumas are referred to quite frequently as well. All three have those traumas as part of their personality, and their friends are ok with it.

Harry Potter isn’t real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

Laypeople are not trained or equipped to deal with trauma. They can hear about, empathize and offer advice a few times, but they are not equipped to offer long-term support. Professional therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists go through years of specialized training and have a code of conduct, rules and protocol that protect them and their patients that they follow in their practices.

Hearing about and offering support a few times? Yes, of course, friends can do that. But friends aren’t therapists and they cannot act like or help like therapists. I say this as someone who suffered from PPD and PTSD following a traumatic birth.

+1

OP, please heed the person above.

I would absolutely talk with her lovingly about getting therapy starting ASAP. But I would leave the social aspect out of that conversation entirely. Make it only about how you know she's hurting and you truly hope she will get professional help because it's so clear how fresh her pain is. If it would assist her, you could help her look up therapists (she can start with her health insurer's list but she may need to pay and go outside that list). But I would NOT bring up "When you socialize with others, you constantly raise this issue, and it's affecting how people see you...." Nope. That's true, for sure, but it's not time to bring that up. She needs serious, professional help if she's not getting it already. She could possibly withdraw or be embarrassed and stop socializing if she hears that she's putting people off. You don't want that, but you do want her to get real help.

If she says anything like, "But venting helps me and I need to express it" or "Friends can help me, I don't need therapy" etc. -- please, please use the PP's post above as your script. "Hearing about and offering support a few times? Yes, of course, friends can do that. But friends aren’t therapists and they cannot act like or help like therapists. Professional therapists have rules that protect you as the patient, and training your friends don't have."

These people have the correct answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She probably won’t react well if you tell her that and will become defensive, but it’s the truth. It’s not appropriate to spill your trauma compulsively in every social situation.

I agree with this.

If you are willing to risk that she gets defensive and mad and the potential fallout that might have on your friendship, go for it. But I would just understand that this might be the reaction and decide if you are ok with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It’s hard.

People respond so differently. I have had two close friends who had trauma (one a divorce and the other unexpected death of partner) that came up always in nearly every situation.

I was a friend and sought to listen, but with both of them, I also felt helpless. I wonder if it’s called PTSD when the person can’t really talk or engage in any other topics. Then I don’t know what to do.

Good luck.

You’re not supposed to feel anything. By listening and letting them vent you are helping them feel less alone and gives them space to work through and heal. It’s a process.

If them sharing is too anxiety-inducing for you, then it’s OK to limit contact. There is no explicit right and wrong set of actions here.

“You’re not supposed to feel anything”?! Wow, you must be a hard T and a hard J in Meyers-Briggs. Some of us feel EVERYTHING, even for perfect strangers. Don’t act like friends or laypeople are trained or equipped to be therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists. Those specialized, advanced fields don’t just give people a degree or a certificate and off they go, they have continuous training and rules in their practices to help protect THEM as well as their patients.

A PP mentioned her friend's divorce as a trauma. GMAFB, it's a divorce. That's not a trauma, that's just sh!t that sometimes happens. Or happens often. I'mguessing the PP got sick of hearing about how much of a dick someone's ex was.

Spoken like someone who has never divorced. It is definitely a trauma - even if the marriage was horrible.

That said, it’s not appropriate to trauma dump.

It’s not always a trauma.

Not every unpleasant, difficult, or miserable thing in our lives is “trauma”. And we wonder why kids are less resilient these days???

For some people, it may not be a trauma. For others, it absolutely is. #nuance

That’s what I said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

We all have traumas that we are dealing with. Little does my friend know, someone else in the group may have gone through something similar and doesn’t want to relive that at a freaking game night. Time and place!

+1 this is it exactly
it is almost an arrogance for one to think they are the "most" traumatized

Exactly. Not to mention that the word "trauma" is now completely overused. Not everything is a trauma or traumatic experience that needs to be delved into ad nauseum. Some people could use a bit of perspective--you don't always know your audience well enough. That's what therapy is for.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: She probably won’t react well if you tell her that and will become defensive, but it’s the truth. It’s not appropriate to spill your trauma compulsively in every social situation.

I agree with this.

If you are willing to risk that she gets defensive and mad and the potential fallout that might have on your friendship, go for it. But I would just understand that this might be the reaction and decide if you are ok with that.

You need to be willing to be a good enough friend to risk the friendship to help her do what is good for her.

[Anonymous]

Harry Windsor trauma dumped on the whole country and everyone is sick of it. No shame OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

Here’s a better Harry Potter example for you: Harry, Luna and Neville all experienced great personal loss and trauma, but they still managed to enjoy friendships, have fun, be social, learn new things, try new things, and fight for what they believed in. You’re more like Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady: ghosts forever stuck and choosing not to move on.

Harry's loss is referred to in almost every chapter of the series.

Nevilles and Lunas traumas are referred to quite frequently as well. All three have those traumas as part of their personality, and their friends are ok with it.

Harry Potter isn’t real.

Tell that to the PP who brought these books up! Anyway, she was wrong about what point they support. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

But why would you go to a party to be a bummer, in the first place? You already know parties aren't the place to bring everyone down. Tell your good friend you need to talk, and invite them to coffee or lunch. Don't show up to a party, where people are expecting to have a nice time, and dominate the conversations with your troubles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

But why would you go to a party to be a bummer, in the first place? You already know parties aren't the place to bring everyone down. Tell your good friend you need to talk, and invite them to coffee or lunch. Don't show up to a party, where people are expecting to have a nice time, and dominate the conversations with your troubles.

Well; I wouldn’t go to a party TO BE a bummer- but it’s not like the death of a child doesn’t still exist at the party. Or it’s not like my house didn’t burn down, while I’m at the party. Or, I still have terminal cancer, at the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

It you choose to be woe is me and see yourself in perpetuity as a victim to be pitied, then sure.