When a friend always brings down the mood with their trauma, would this be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

Here’s a better Harry Potter example for you: Harry, Luna and Neville all experienced great personal loss and trauma, but they still managed to enjoy friendships, have fun, be social, learn new things, try new things, and fight for what they believed in. You’re more like Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady: ghosts forever stuck and choosing not to move on.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who brings up her (very serious, very bad) trauma in basically every social situation. It puts a damper on the mood and then the whole event kind of has this shadow hanging over it for the rest of the duration. I was thinking of talking to this person privately and suggesting that they get professional help. I want them to know that I care about them but that this is a bit inappropriate. Is this going to come off as selfish but I don't really know what else to do.

I think it's wise to address this personally with your friend. I wouldn't talk about how their conversations kills the mood, obviously.

I'd probably start with something like "I care about you and how you are doing. I notice that you have been talking about your abuse a lot and it seems like it's something you want to work through. I don't always know what to say or how to help. Have you thought about talking to a counselor? I want to be a listening ear but I think someone who knows more about trauma might be really helpful for you."

IME, people who talk a lot about their trauma may be struggling with memories and reactions, trying to find a way to keep them at bay. Clamping down on them and trying to make them go away doesn't work, and going over them endlessly with friends doesn't work, because a professional who knows how to steer the conversation and actually process them is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading comments in this thread it is no wonder the suicide rate we have and that it is on the rise in a big way. Everyone wants to overshare on social media, usually some largely artificial curated version of their actual life which makes them look far more together than they really are - but very few people are willing to sit with the pain of a person suffering PTSD or other mental illness and who needs connection and validation to continue in the struggle of life.

People suck more than ever, I think, in this digital/social media age. The whole point of life is to be there for each other - but so many people are just focused on their own pleasure and not any kind of service to others which is our moral imperative as decent human beings.

Yeah those hurt people should just shut up and go away. They are annoying.

You are misreading this thread. There is a huge difference between being there for a friend in need, and figuring out how to deal with someone who always and only wants to talk about their drama no matter the setting. We are discussing inappropriate social behavior here that can go on for years, not helping a friend at a particular time of need.

+100. And it's ALSO becoming typical to go to such extremes....to see this thread, for example, as "contributing to the suicide rate" or something like that. It's absurd. There is a HUGE gap between being a compassionate, caring network to those you love and care about and wanting to listen to someone talk about their molestation every minute of the day. If someone truly can't become engaged in anything else other than turning the conversation around to their trauma, then they definitely need more therapy because that's not healthy for them, either. And it's not fair to others and yes, that still matters even though YOU have gone through something horrible. Most people have gone through something horrible, but they don't talk about it endlessly. They lean on their family, friends, and mental health team if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet you this is the product of going to therapy, not the product of failing to go to therapy.

I think it would be kind to talk to her about it but I wouldn’t assume she’ll be open to the criticism. Sex crimes victims, in my experience, are tired of feeling silenced and really don’t want to be told to worry about other people’s comfort.

Trauma dumping on someone you JUST met at game night is not a result of any decent therapy. What if that person you're talking to also had unresolved SA trauma?? That's not fair or ok.

[Anonymous]

I would make it about her, not the impact on you - eg “I’ve noticed your abuse is often on the forefront of your mind. I worry that having it so actively weighing on you holds you back from being able to enjoy things you want to like socializing with friends and being able to relax. I wonder if a professional could help you gain some control over it, im happy to help you look into it if you want because I want you to be able to enjoy things”

If she still declines there isn’t much you can do besides limiting how you include her so you don’t turn annoyed and hostile on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make it about her, not the impact on you - eg “I’ve noticed your abuse is often on the forefront of your mind. I worry that having it so actively weighing on you holds you back from being able to enjoy things you want to like socializing with friends and being able to relax. I wonder if a professional could help you gain some control over it, im happy to help you look into it if you want because I want you to be able to enjoy things”

If she still declines there isn’t much you can do besides limiting how you include her so you don’t turn annoyed and hostile on her.

The only thing I would add is this: I’m not a professional and I’m overwhelmed and I don’t want to make things worse, but I also can’t be your outlet for this. I’m sorry, I feel like you need a professional, because this is too much for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make it about her, not the impact on you - eg “I’ve noticed your abuse is often on the forefront of your mind. I worry that having it so actively weighing on you holds you back from being able to enjoy things you want to like socializing with friends and being able to relax. I wonder if a professional could help you gain some control over it, im happy to help you look into it if you want because I want you to be able to enjoy things”

If she still declines there isn’t much you can do besides limiting how you include her so you don’t turn annoyed and hostile on her.

I agree with this sentiment, but it's too long, keep it simple:

"I noticed that your past trauma is often at the forefront. I'm sorry that its actively weighing on you and preventing you from enjoying life and being able to relax. What can I do to help you? I think a professional might also be a good resource."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make it about her, not the impact on you - eg “I’ve noticed your abuse is often on the forefront of your mind. I worry that having it so actively weighing on you holds you back from being able to enjoy things you want to like socializing with friends and being able to relax. I wonder if a professional could help you gain some control over it, im happy to help you look into it if you want because I want you to be able to enjoy things”

If she still declines there isn’t much you can do besides limiting how you include her so you don’t turn annoyed and hostile on her.

The only thing I would add is this: I’m not a professional and I’m overwhelmed and I don’t want to make things worse, but I also can’t be your outlet for this. I’m sorry, I feel like you need a professional, because this is too much for me.

This is all very good. It’s ok for everyone, traumatized or not, to have boundaries. I don’t like how a pp insinuates that having boundaries makes people cruel. Just another example of how unfamiliar they are with what’s healthy in relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you this is the product of going to therapy, not the product of failing to go to therapy.

I think it would be kind to talk to her about it but I wouldn’t assume she’ll be open to the criticism. Sex crimes victims, in my experience, are tired of feeling silenced and really don’t want to be told to worry about other people’s comfort.

Trauma dumping on someone you JUST met at game night is not a result of any decent therapy. What if that person you're talking to also had unresolved SA trauma?? That's not fair or ok.

Agree. Unfortunately, there are therapists who go along with the trauma-as-identity trend. These therapists should be avoided, of course, but they exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make it about her, not the impact on you - eg “I’ve noticed your abuse is often on the forefront of your mind. I worry that having it so actively weighing on you holds you back from being able to enjoy things you want to like socializing with friends and being able to relax. I wonder if a professional could help you gain some control over it, im happy to help you look into it if you want because I want you to be able to enjoy things”

If she still declines there isn’t much you can do besides limiting how you include her so you don’t turn annoyed and hostile on her.

I would approach it this way, OP. There are also groups like this that offer in person, phone and virtual meetings that might be helpful to her. https://siawso.org/

If she is not able to stop the trauma dumping, it is ok to be selective in issuing invitations. It's not fair to anyone else who may be triggered and who wants to have a fun time to have heavy topics come up at game night, etc. And it clearly is not genuinely helpful to her as it has not diminished. But I would say something first, privately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

Here’s a better Harry Potter example for you: Harry, Luna and Neville all experienced great personal loss and trauma, but they still managed to enjoy friendships, have fun, be social, learn new things, try new things, and fight for what they believed in. You’re more like Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady: ghosts forever stuck and choosing not to move on.

DP. I love that you called this poster moaning myrtle. It’s spot on. I would find what the OP is describing as incredibly self-centered, even narcissistic. Who starts opining about childhood molestation in the middle of a monopoly game with people you just met?? Seriously damaged people who need professional help.

[Anonymous]

They way I've handled it is by saying something like, "You know, you've opened up about x, and what I'm hearing is that you're in a lot of pain. I care about you and I don't want you to suffer. Have you ever thought about seeking professional help?" And then leave it alone and never bring it up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading comments in this thread it is no wonder the suicide rate we have and that it is on the rise in a big way. Everyone wants to overshare on social media, usually some largely artificial curated version of their actual life which makes them look far more together than they really are - but very few people are willing to sit with the pain of a person suffering PTSD or other mental illness and who needs connection and validation to continue in the struggle of life.

People suck more than ever, I think, in this digital/social media age. The whole point of life is to be there for each other - but so many people are just focused on their own pleasure and not any kind of service to others which is our moral imperative as decent human beings.

Yeah those hurt people should just shut up and go away. They are annoying.

They should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They way I've handled it is by saying something like, "You know, you've opened up about x, and what I'm hearing is that you're in a lot of pain. I care about you and I don't want you to suffer. Have you ever thought about seeking professional help?" And then leave it alone and never bring it up again.

The problem isn’t OP bringing it up, it’s that the friend constantly brings it up at inappropriate times. This isn’t a “you should get therapy” and ignore scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

This. She does need to go to therapy, but one thing the therapist has you do is usually tell your story over and over again.

You may want to talk to her and see if she would be willing to go to therapy, but not because she is bringing the vibe down.