When a friend always brings down the mood with their trauma, would this be okay?

[Anonymous]

It’s hard.

People respond so differently. I have had two close friends who had trauma (one a divorce and the other unexpected death of partner) that came up always in nearly every situation.

I was a friend and sought to listen, but with both of them, I also felt helpless. I wonder if it’s called PTSD when the person can’t really talk or engage in any other topics. Then I don’t know what to do.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I knew someone who was like this. Every time we met in a group it would become like her therapy session. Although what happened to her was traumatic it's not entirely appropriate to make the entire thing revolve around her. That wasn't the purpose of the group and she sounded like a broken record. Her topic monopolized the conversation every single time. So yes, it would be better if they got specific therapy for the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again,

I have no problem listening to her talk about her issues when it's just the two of us drinking wine in the living room. But, it's incredibly strange to all be sitting and playing monopoly and someone drops a heavy topic like molestation. Obviously everyone around wants to be supportive but the evening goes from being fun and lighthearted to heavy and dark.

She has terrible social skills and will never have close friends if she doesn’t change. Telling her to get help would be the most loving thing you could do for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

There is a huge difference between stopping talking and bringing it up during casual social events. being honest with a trained therapist and with your good friends is healthy. Talking about it nonstop is not. Please seek help. I do not mean this as do g mean. You deserve a happy life, but feeling like the entire world owes you is not helping.

[Anonymous]

Looks like she really needs someone to talk to you about this. I suggest finding a trauma group, that you can go with her maybe to the first meeting. Then she can go by herself after that, this way she can share her feelings with others who are receptive to listening. Ensure that it is clear that you’re only attending the first meeting. You don’t want to go every week.

If you just tell her about what she’s currently doing, I guarantee you, it will not be well received.

[Anonymous]

Like others say I bet the talking about it is the result of having started to deal with thru therapy or otherwise
It's a phase of dealing to talk a lot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a time and place for these discussions and telling people you are just getting to know these things or talking about it a lot alienates people. It comes off as needy. No one likes needy. She needs professional help and good friends to support her - she really needs to learn what’s appropriate too.

So which "good friends" will support her? After all, "no one likes needy"? Really, all of you with the milk of human kindness flowing through your veins.

It must just be human nature to chase unlucky people out of the herd.

More self-pitying manipulation.

The Manipulation and shame circle of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It’s hard.

People respond so differently. I have had two close friends who had trauma (one a divorce and the other unexpected death of partner) that came up always in nearly every situation.

I was a friend and sought to listen, but with both of them, I also felt helpless. I wonder if it’s called PTSD when the person can’t really talk or engage in any other topics. Then I don’t know what to do.

Good luck.

You’re not supposed to feel anything. By listening and letting them vent you are helping them feel less alone and gives them space to work through and heal. It’s a process.

If them sharing is too anxiety-inducing for you, then it’s OK to limit contact. There is no explicit right and wrong set of actions here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

Laypeople are not trained or equipped to deal with trauma. They can hear about, empathize and offer advice a few times, but they are not equipped to offer long-term support. Professional therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists go through years of specialized training and have a code of conduct, rules and protocol that protect them and their patients that they follow in their practices.

Hearing about and offering support a few times? Yes, of course, friends can do that. But friends aren’t therapists and they cannot act like or help like therapists. I say this as someone who suffered from PPD and PTSD following a traumatic birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I'm sorry for your trauma, truly I am.

But every social situation isn't created for you to relieve some of your negative feelings. If you're having a one on one talk with a friend, yes, talk about it. And also make sure you're asking about them too, make it equalish. But bringing it up at book club, and a lively dinner party, and ax throwing, and goat yoga, and the beach weekend...if people aren't there to listen to you multiple times is not their fault, it's not their deficiency, it's an indication that you need another way to get through this trauma. More therapy, different therapy, group therapy, medication. Your friends aren't bad if they aren't wanting to listen to you over and over again.

[Anonymous]

What’s the alternative? You could stop inviting her to game night. Limit your interactions to 1 on 1. If she ever asks why, then be honest with her and suggest she get some help so she can develop relationships.

Shes allowed to have trauma, but you’re allowed to have boundaries (and a game night that doesn’t devolve into discussions about molestation).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It’s hard.

People respond so differently. I have had two close friends who had trauma (one a divorce and the other unexpected death of partner) that came up always in nearly every situation.

I was a friend and sought to listen, but with both of them, I also felt helpless. I wonder if it’s called PTSD when the person can’t really talk or engage in any other topics. Then I don’t know what to do.

Good luck.

You’re not supposed to feel anything. By listening and letting them vent you are helping them feel less alone and gives them space to work through and heal. It’s a process.

If them sharing is too anxiety-inducing for you, then it’s OK to limit contact. There is no explicit right and wrong set of actions here.

“You’re not supposed to feel anything”?! Wow, you must be a hard T and a hard J in Meyers-Briggs. Some of us feel EVERYTHING, even for perfect strangers. Don’t act like friends or laypeople are trained or equipped to be therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists. Those specialized, advanced fields don’t just give people a degree or a certificate and off they go, they have continuous training and rules in their practices to help protect THEM as well as their patients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a time and place for these discussions and telling people you are just getting to know these things or talking about it a lot alienates people. It comes off as needy. No one likes needy. She needs professional help and good friends to support her - she really needs to learn what’s appropriate too.

So which "good friends" will support her? After all, "no one likes needy"? Really, all of you with the milk of human kindness flowing through your veins.

It must just be human nature to chase unlucky people out of the herd.

I have a friend who has been through a very traumatic set of circumstances. Sometimes she turns down invitations, sometimes she leaves early, and very occasionally she does open up and ask for support when the friend group is together. She is in therapy and doing all she can to heal. This is a more appropriate way to handle an overwhelming situation vs. not seeking therapy and turning every single event into a de facto therapy session. We invite her always, and she manages what she can attend, when she needs to leave early, and when she needs to lean on the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.