When a friend always brings down the mood with their trauma, would this be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

If you are unable to regulate your behavior then you need to spend more time in therapy/practicing the coping skills that you taught. It’s ok that friends want to gather and socialize. It’s not ok for one person to always attend and inappropriately repeatedly dump their issues on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.banyanmentalhealth.com/2023/02/17/what-is-trauma-dumping

People trauma dump because it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism or an ineffective way of seeking emotional support. Those who engage in trauma dumping are usually unable or unwilling to deal with their own issues, feelings, or even their role in the problem.

Trauma Dumping vs. Venting
While expressing our emotions and talking things out is a good thing, the difference between trauma dumping and venting is that venting involves validation and mutual venting by the other person. On the other hand, trauma dumping is all about the one person “dumping” everything on someone who isn’t a willing participant in the conversation or isn’t being allowed to express themselves in the same way. In other words, trauma dumping is very one-sided.

Is Trauma Dumping Bad?
Yes, trauma dumping is bad and can worsen the problem rather than present any solutions. Mutual sharing for emotional support is one of the ways people connect with each other and recover from trauma and emotional distress. However, trauma dumping isn’t a mutual interaction but rather a toxic form of communication that involves one person getting their emotional needs met at the expense of another.

Over time, this can create a strained, one-sided relationship in which the listener is expected to dish out patience and a shoulder to cry on at the drop of a hat while the speaker is always expecting their needs to be met. All are red flags of a toxic relationship.

Additionally, trauma dumping involves pressured, rapid-fire speech with a lot of emotional content, which can trigger the fight-or-flight response in the listener. When this happens too often, the listener’s stress hormones can lead to chronic stress, which can be physically and mentally draining. It’s important to note, however, that trauma dumping isn’t usually done maliciously but is rather the result of mental illness or low self-esteem.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If anyone finds a tactful and actually HELPFUL way to say this let me know because I definitely have some friends/acquaintances who “trauma dump” (thanks for the new word) and it’s extremely uncomfortable - and I’m also realizing, not helpful to their mental health either.

+2

I’m friendly with a woman who had a stillbirth two years ago. She was hired for a temporary role in my department in late 2021. She would (and will) bring this terrible loss up to anyone who will listen - even in professional environments - and makes me and others extremely uncomfortable.

I stopped listening to her dumps and started saying “this might be a better conversation with your therapist.” She obviously has a lot of unprocessed emotions around her loss, but not everybody is equipped to shoulder that pain for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the whole thread so I’m sorry if this has been covered, but one way to approach with a friend is that everyone has possible trauma in their history, and you could be inadvertently triggering someone else’s trauma when you just dump it at inappropriate times/just meeting someone. People who’ve experienced trauma tend to not want to do that to others, so she may react well to that? Like a way of protecting others she doesn’t want to inadvertently harm? I say this as someone who freezes up when certain conversations come out of nowhere, because I wasn’t prepared and now I feel gut punched.

This could be worth a try, OP, along with urging to seek out a support group or something like EMDR or somatic work that is specifically meant to address trauma. Not every talk therapist is willing to take on child sexual abuse and talking about it may just lead to more dissociation rather than gaining tools to manage flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, etc.