When a friend always brings down the mood with their trauma, would this be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

Here’s a better Harry Potter example for you: Harry, Luna and Neville all experienced great personal loss and trauma, but they still managed to enjoy friendships, have fun, be social, learn new things, try new things, and fight for what they believed in. You’re more like Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady: ghosts forever stuck and choosing not to move on.

Harry's loss is referred to in almost every chapter of the series.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

We all have traumas that we are dealing with. Little does my friend know, someone else in the group may have gone through something similar and doesn’t want to relive that at a freaking game night. Time and place!

+1 this is it exactly
it is almost an arrogance for one to think they are the "most" traumatized

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

You miss the point entirely. Trauma sucks. Yes, it changes you, but the entirety of society doesn’t change for you. Society doesn’t stop being joyous and turn somber to fit your needs. You need therapy, and lots of it. You can be alone and isolated, or try to adapt. Life is hard. It’s sort of how it is

But expecting people to turn every party and social gathering into a therapy session is just unrealistic and, quite frankly, selfish

Also, rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

Here’s a better Harry Potter example for you: Harry, Luna and Neville all experienced great personal loss and trauma, but they still managed to enjoy friendships, have fun, be social, learn new things, try new things, and fight for what they believed in. You’re more like Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady: ghosts forever stuck and choosing not to move on.

Harry's loss is referred to in almost every chapter of the series.

It’s part of Harry!s narrative. That doesn’t mean he brings it up at game night with people he just met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

Here’s a better Harry Potter example for you: Harry, Luna and Neville all experienced great personal loss and trauma, but they still managed to enjoy friendships, have fun, be social, learn new things, try new things, and fight for what they believed in. You’re more like Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady: ghosts forever stuck and choosing not to move on.

Harry's loss is referred to in almost every chapter of the series.

Much of it as INTERNAL dialogue or as conversation initiated by Dumbledore, Sirius, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

Interesting. Ever think people get tired of the "me, me, me, but what about MEEEEEEE" aspect of your need to incessantly discuss it? There is a time and a place to talk about it, and guess what? It's not a cocktail parties or casual relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

Here’s a better Harry Potter example for you: Harry, Luna and Neville all experienced great personal loss and trauma, but they still managed to enjoy friendships, have fun, be social, learn new things, try new things, and fight for what they believed in. You’re more like Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady: ghosts forever stuck and choosing not to move on.

Harry's loss is referred to in almost every chapter of the series.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

We all have traumas that we are dealing with. Little does my friend know, someone else in the group may have gone through something similar and doesn’t want to relive that at a freaking game night. Time and place!

+1 this is it exactly
it is almost an arrogance for one to think they are the "most" traumatized

Exactly. Not to mention that the word "trauma" is now completely overused. Not everything is a trauma or traumatic experience that needs to be delved into ad nauseum. Some people could use a bit of perspective--you don't always know your audience well enough. That's what therapy is for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

Oh stop. What OP described is trauma dumping. Many people in this world have been through immense trauma. I would hope their friends and family help them in appropriate ways, but they aren’t entitled to use game night as a therapy session. Perhaps other people at game night have their own trauma and hearing about this is triggering. Are they not entitled to a social evening with friends without being reminded of their own trauma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It’s hard.

People respond so differently. I have had two close friends who had trauma (one a divorce and the other unexpected death of partner) that came up always in nearly every situation.

I was a friend and sought to listen, but with both of them, I also felt helpless. I wonder if it’s called PTSD when the person can’t really talk or engage in any other topics. Then I don’t know what to do.

Good luck.

You’re not supposed to feel anything. By listening and letting them vent you are helping them feel less alone and gives them space to work through and heal. It’s a process.

If them sharing is too anxiety-inducing for you, then it’s OK to limit contact. There is no explicit right and wrong set of actions here.

“You’re not supposed to feel anything”?! Wow, you must be a hard T and a hard J in Meyers-Briggs. Some of us feel EVERYTHING, even for perfect strangers. Don’t act like friends or laypeople are trained or equipped to be therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists. Those specialized, advanced fields don’t just give people a degree or a certificate and off they go, they have continuous training and rules in their practices to help protect THEM as well as their patients.

A PP mentioned her friend's divorce as a trauma. GMAFB, it's a divorce. That's not a trauma, that's just sh!t that sometimes happens. Or happens often. I'mguessing the PP got sick of hearing about how much of a dick someone's ex was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

This. She does need to go to therapy, but one thing the therapist has you do is usually tell your story over and over again.

You may want to talk to her and see if she would be willing to go to therapy, but not because she is bringing the vibe down.

FFS a therapist is *trained, equipped, supported and paid* to listen to trauma “over and over again,” and offer productive advice and strategies for moving forward. And by the way, therapists have office hours. They do not do intensive sessions at block parties, book club, girls’ night out, or during holiday parties, now do they?

[Anonymous]

My sympathies go out to those in the thread who have mentioned their own traumas. I don't have the right words for you, but I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It’s hard.

People respond so differently. I have had two close friends who had trauma (one a divorce and the other unexpected death of partner) that came up always in nearly every situation.

I was a friend and sought to listen, but with both of them, I also felt helpless. I wonder if it’s called PTSD when the person can’t really talk or engage in any other topics. Then I don’t know what to do.

Good luck.

You’re not supposed to feel anything. By listening and letting them vent you are helping them feel less alone and gives them space to work through and heal. It’s a process.

If them sharing is too anxiety-inducing for you, then it’s OK to limit contact. There is no explicit right and wrong set of actions here.

“You’re not supposed to feel anything”?! Wow, you must be a hard T and a hard J in Meyers-Briggs. Some of us feel EVERYTHING, even for perfect strangers. Don’t act like friends or laypeople are trained or equipped to be therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists. Those specialized, advanced fields don’t just give people a degree or a certificate and off they go, they have continuous training and rules in their practices to help protect THEM as well as their patients.

A PP mentioned her friend's divorce as a trauma. GMAFB, it's a divorce. That's not a trauma, that's just sh!t that sometimes happens. Or happens often. I'mguessing the PP got sick of hearing about how much of a dick someone's ex was.

Spoken like someone who has never divorced. It is definitely a trauma - even if the marriage was horrible.

That said, it’s not appropriate to trauma dump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It’s hard.

People respond so differently. I have had two close friends who had trauma (one a divorce and the other unexpected death of partner) that came up always in nearly every situation.

I was a friend and sought to listen, but with both of them, I also felt helpless. I wonder if it’s called PTSD when the person can’t really talk or engage in any other topics. Then I don’t know what to do.

Good luck.

You’re not supposed to feel anything. By listening and letting them vent you are helping them feel less alone and gives them space to work through and heal. It’s a process.

If them sharing is too anxiety-inducing for you, then it’s OK to limit contact. There is no explicit right and wrong set of actions here.

“You’re not supposed to feel anything”?! Wow, you must be a hard T and a hard J in Meyers-Briggs. Some of us feel EVERYTHING, even for perfect strangers. Don’t act like friends or laypeople are trained or equipped to be therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists. Those specialized, advanced fields don’t just give people a degree or a certificate and off they go, they have continuous training and rules in their practices to help protect THEM as well as their patients.

A PP mentioned her friend's divorce as a trauma. GMAFB, it's a divorce. That's not a trauma, that's just sh!t that sometimes happens. Or happens often. I'mguessing the PP got sick of hearing about how much of a dick someone's ex was.

Spoken like someone who has never divorced. It is definitely a trauma - even if the marriage was horrible.

That said, it’s not appropriate to trauma dump.

It’s not always a trauma.

Not every unpleasant, difficult, or miserable thing in our lives is “trauma”. And we wonder why kids are less resilient these days???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It’s hard.

People respond so differently. I have had two close friends who had trauma (one a divorce and the other unexpected death of partner) that came up always in nearly every situation.

I was a friend and sought to listen, but with both of them, I also felt helpless. I wonder if it’s called PTSD when the person can’t really talk or engage in any other topics. Then I don’t know what to do.

Good luck.

You’re not supposed to feel anything. By listening and letting them vent you are helping them feel less alone and gives them space to work through and heal. It’s a process.

If them sharing is too anxiety-inducing for you, then it’s OK to limit contact. There is no explicit right and wrong set of actions here.

“You’re not supposed to feel anything”?! Wow, you must be a hard T and a hard J in Meyers-Briggs. Some of us feel EVERYTHING, even for perfect strangers. Don’t act like friends or laypeople are trained or equipped to be therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists. Those specialized, advanced fields don’t just give people a degree or a certificate and off they go, they have continuous training and rules in their practices to help protect THEM as well as their patients.

A PP mentioned her friend's divorce as a trauma. GMAFB, it's a divorce. That's not a trauma, that's just sh!t that sometimes happens. Or happens often. I'mguessing the PP got sick of hearing about how much of a dick someone's ex was.

Spoken like someone who has never divorced. It is definitely a trauma - even if the marriage was horrible.

That said, it’s not appropriate to trauma dump.

It’s not always a trauma.

Not every unpleasant, difficult, or miserable thing in our lives is “trauma”. And we wonder why kids are less resilient these days???

For some people, it may not be a trauma. For others, it absolutely is. #nuance