When a friend always brings down the mood with their trauma, would this be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading comments in this thread it is no wonder the suicide rate we have and that it is on the rise in a big way. Everyone wants to overshare on social media, usually some largely artificial curated version of their actual life which makes them look far more together than they really are - but very few people are willing to sit with the pain of a person suffering PTSD or other mental illness and who needs connection and validation to continue in the struggle of life.

People suck more than ever, I think, in this digital/social media age. The whole point of life is to be there for each other - but so many people are just focused on their own pleasure and not any kind of service to others which is our moral imperative as decent human beings.

Yeah those hurt people should just shut up and go away. They are annoying.

You sound like a 10-year-old, petulantly stomping your foot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

NP. that's really unfair of you. There is a time, place, and manner for this. To put it in every situation is in a unhealthy way, to hog the spotlight and dominate the group. Do you not see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

Here’s a better Harry Potter example for you: Harry, Luna and Neville all experienced great personal loss and trauma, but they still managed to enjoy friendships, have fun, be social, learn new things, try new things, and fight for what they believed in. You’re more like Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady: ghosts forever stuck and choosing not to move on.

Harry's loss is referred to in almost every chapter of the series.

I don’t know why we’re still talking about a children’s fiction series as if it’s some sort of weird justification for trauma dumping, but count the number of times Harry himself brings up his parents’ deaths. Hint: Very, very few.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

Your desperation for attention is what’s driving people away from you.

Get therapy. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

But why would you go to a party to be a bummer, in the first place? You already know parties aren't the place to bring everyone down. Tell your good friend you need to talk, and invite them to coffee or lunch. Don't show up to a party, where people are expecting to have a nice time, and dominate the conversations with your troubles.

Well; I wouldn’t go to a party TO BE a bummer- but it’s not like the death of a child doesn’t still exist at the party. Or it’s not like my house didn’t burn down, while I’m at the party. Or, I still have terminal cancer, at the party.

I think that if someone has made it known to you that they don't want to bring you to parties because you're a bummer, that you're making the trauma the central focus of "you at the party."

For example, Im thinking about a friend whose husband died suddenly. Of course, people asked her how she's holding up, and of course she could talk about it. I never felt like that was bringing down the whole mood of the party. But if at every gathering she brought it up multiple times, cried and lamented about her life and/or tried to change every subject back to her... well, it would be time toet her know that parties are not appropriate for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet you this is the product of going to therapy, not the product of failing to go to therapy.

I think it would be kind to talk to her about it but I wouldn’t assume she’ll be open to the criticism. Sex crimes victims, in my experience, are tired of feeling silenced and really don’t want to be told to worry about other people’s comfort.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

Your desperation for attention is what’s driving people away from you.

Get therapy. The end.

Trust me.’ Attention is the last thing people who are suffering want. I don’t think you’re receptive to hearing from trauma survivors so I’ll save my breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

Your desperation for attention is what’s driving people away from you.

Get therapy. The end.

Trust me.’ Attention is the last thing people who are suffering want. I don’t think you’re receptive to hearing from trauma survivors so I’ll save my breath.

This thread is about someone who brings up her trauma to people she barely knows at completely inappropriate times (ie game night). She’s obviously looking for attention. Not sure why you can’t understand that everyone handles trauma differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

Your desperation for attention is what’s driving people away from you.

Get therapy. The end.

Trust me.’ Attention is the last thing people who are suffering want. I don’t think you’re receptive to hearing from trauma survivors so I’ll save my breath.

This thread is about someone who brings up her trauma to people she barely knows at completely inappropriate times (ie game night). She’s obviously looking for attention. Not sure why you can’t understand that everyone handles trauma differently.

Things that are obvious to you aren’t obvious to me. When I’m bringing it up it’s usually as a way of making an excuse for myself. I know my loss is a bummer and makes me seem sad. I know I’m a bummer just by my presence! I’ll stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

Your desperation for attention is what’s driving people away from you.

Get therapy. The end.

Trust me.’ Attention is the last thing people who are suffering want. I don’t think you’re receptive to hearing from trauma survivors so I’ll save my breath.

Good try. I am a trauma survivor. Yes, really. No, not TikTok Trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

Your desperation for attention is what’s driving people away from you.

Get therapy. The end.

Trust me.’ Attention is the last thing people who are suffering want. I don’t think you’re receptive to hearing from trauma survivors so I’ll save my breath.

This thread is about someone who brings up her trauma to people she barely knows at completely inappropriate times (ie game night). She’s obviously looking for attention. Not sure why you can’t understand that everyone handles trauma differently.

Things that are obvious to you aren’t obvious to me. When I’m bringing it up it’s usually as a way of making an excuse for myself. I know my loss is a bummer and makes me seem sad. I know I’m a bummer just by my presence! I’ll stay away.

That last line is more fishing for pity. Oh, poor me. No one wants me to dump my trauma all over them at all times. Dramatic sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

Your desperation for attention is what’s driving people away from you.

Get therapy. The end.

Trust me.’ Attention is the last thing people who are suffering want. I don’t think you’re receptive to hearing from trauma survivors so I’ll save my breath.

This thread is about someone who brings up her trauma to people she barely knows at completely inappropriate times (ie game night). She’s obviously looking for attention. Not sure why you can’t understand that everyone handles trauma differently.

Things that are obvious to you aren’t obvious to me. When I’m bringing it up it’s usually as a way of making an excuse for myself. I know my loss is a bummer and makes me seem sad. I know I’m a bummer just by my presence! I’ll stay away.

This is exactly the kind of emotional manipulation my narc ex used to engage in. Best response? Uh, ok. But still, whilst doing so, get professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: She probably won’t react well if you tell her that and will become defensive, but it’s the truth. It’s not appropriate to spill your trauma compulsively in every social situation.

I agree with this.

If you are willing to risk that she gets defensive and mad and the potential fallout that might have on your friendship, go for it. But I would just understand that this might be the reaction and decide if you are ok with that.

I think the only other option is to limit invitations to situations where trauma dumping would be more easily accommodated. She may not understand why though and the urging to get professional help or at least the 12 step support group mentioned could be life changing for her.

[Anonymous]

There is a time and place for everything. Sharing, deep trauma in a social group, setting time and time again is not the place. It’s incredibly selfish to do so.

I would not want to be around constant trauma sharer, she’s not the only one with trauma, most of us just don’t speak about it in social groups. Yes, it brings me down because it reminds me of my own heartache. I don’t use my friends for therapy. That’s what my therapist is for.

Op, if you feel like speaking to her about this will have a positive ending then you might want to mention it to her but, chances are she will be offended and if that’s the case, I would stop inviting her.

[Anonymous]

https://www.banyanmentalhealth.com/2023/02/17/what-is-trauma-dumping

People trauma dump because it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism or an ineffective way of seeking emotional support. Those who engage in trauma dumping are usually unable or unwilling to deal with their own issues, feelings, or even their role in the problem.

Trauma Dumping vs. Venting
While expressing our emotions and talking things out is a good thing, the difference between trauma dumping and venting is that venting involves validation and mutual venting by the other person. On the other hand, trauma dumping is all about the one person “dumping” everything on someone who isn’t a willing participant in the conversation or isn’t being allowed to express themselves in the same way. In other words, trauma dumping is very one-sided.

Is Trauma Dumping Bad?
Yes, trauma dumping is bad and can worsen the problem rather than present any solutions. Mutual sharing for emotional support is one of the ways people connect with each other and recover from trauma and emotional distress. However, trauma dumping isn’t a mutual interaction but rather a toxic form of communication that involves one person getting their emotional needs met at the expense of another.

Over time, this can create a strained, one-sided relationship in which the listener is expected to dish out patience and a shoulder to cry on at the drop of a hat while the speaker is always expecting their needs to be met. All are red flags of a toxic relationship.

Additionally, trauma dumping involves pressured, rapid-fire speech with a lot of emotional content, which can trigger the fight-or-flight response in the listener. When this happens too often, the listener’s stress hormones can lead to chronic stress, which can be physically and mentally draining. It’s important to note, however, that trauma dumping isn’t usually done maliciously but is rather the result of mental illness or low self-esteem.