When a friend always brings down the mood with their trauma, would this be okay?

[Anonymous]

Friends aren't therapists. Most people wouldn't know what to say if someone brought this up at an event or evening out.

I think it's fine to suggest therapy and maybe even offer to drive her or support her afterwards.

I also think it's fine to limit contact for a bit while she work this out with professionals.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything, but also wouldn't extend an invite to group parties anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

We all have traumas that we are dealing with. Little does my friend know, someone else in the group may have gone through something similar and doesn’t want to relive that at a freaking game night. Time and place!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

You miss the point entirely. Trauma sucks. Yes, it changes you, but the entirety of society doesn’t change for you. Society doesn’t stop being joyous and turn somber to fit your needs. You need therapy, and lots of it. You can be alone and isolated, or try to adapt. Life is hard. It’s sort of how it is

But expecting people to turn every party and social gathering into a therapy session is just unrealistic and, quite frankly, selfish

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

But Harry didn't talk about his dead parents at every single event he ever attended, did he? The other kids didn't even hear about Luna's tragedy until late in the series. They managed to care about thier friends and other people's lives too. They managed to have fun when they weren't literally battling evil. My family was touched by severe trauma too, me more than the others, and none of us are isolated from the herd. There is a point where you choose how you are going to live going forward. If you choose to be your trauma, yes, you will be isolated. You don't have to live that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

And here is the difference between gen z and the rest of us. You’ve been told your trauma is your identity. So unhealthy and self-pitying. Stop giving people who hurt you continuous power over you and your life. Get therapy and learn ways to cope and overcome. Enjoy your life and make friends despite the terrible things you’ve gone through. MOST people have had “trauma” (especially the way Gen Z defines it), so stop wearing it on your sleeve, talking about it to everyone you meet, and making it your most important personality trait. It is not.

I admire this generation’s openness and efforts to reduce stigma, but it’s gone overboard into an unhealthy, self-centered embrace of victimhood. It’s not how you make friends or get to know someone. It’s not healthy. And you’re giving away your power -and your life- to stay focused on something or someone who hurt you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

You make good points. Your main error is to see the world in black and white when it's all a spectrum of grey. There are all kinds of trauma, severe to mild, and all kinds of constructive and destructive ways people have of dealing with it. There is no fixed line in the sand, which is part of the complexity. So I hope you can train your brain to be less rigid. You'll be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

And here is the difference between gen z and the rest of us. You’ve been told your trauma is your identity. So unhealthy and self-pitying. Stop giving people who hurt you continuous power over you and your life. Get therapy and learn ways to cope and overcome. Enjoy your life and make friends despite the terrible things you’ve gone through. MOST people have had “trauma” (especially the way Gen Z defines it), so stop wearing it on your sleeve, talking about it to everyone you meet, and making it your most important personality trait. It is not.

I admire this generation’s openness and efforts to reduce stigma, but it’s gone overboard into an unhealthy, self-centered embrace of victimhood. It’s not how you make friends or get to know someone. It’s not healthy. And you’re giving away your power -and your life- to stay focused on something or someone who hurt you.

This is so true Re GenZ. Their trauma- whether perceived or real- is their identity . There is no growth or moving on from adversity . They are static

[Anonymous]

Reading comments in this thread it is no wonder the suicide rate we have and that it is on the rise in a big way. Everyone wants to overshare on social media, usually some largely artificial curated version of their actual life which makes them look far more together than they really are - but very few people are willing to sit with the pain of a person suffering PTSD or other mental illness and who needs connection and validation to continue in the struggle of life.

People suck more than ever, I think, in this digital/social media age. The whole point of life is to be there for each other - but so many people are just focused on their own pleasure and not any kind of service to others which is our moral imperative as decent human beings.

Yeah those hurt people should just shut up and go away. They are annoying.

[Anonymous]

I am a person who has experienced immense trauma in my lifetime.

Trauma dumping is not okay. It can traumatize the listeners, who are not equipped to help trauma survivors process their experiences. Trauma dumping violates boundaries and is unfair to the listener. Before a person discusses their trauma, it’s appropriate to ask if the listener is equipped to listen to them discuss it. Even with close friends.

Unfortunately, as a trauma survivor, I recognize that a common feature of PTSD is to become overwhelmingly self-absorbed (been there) and considering one’s own troubles and needs to Trump those of people around them.

This person needs to understand what is and what is not societally appropriate, and urgently needs mental health support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

Hard disagree. I have experienced terrible trauma including childhood sexual abuse/incest, sexual assault, and domestic violence. It is not okay to just go around discussing these experiences. It’s called trauma dumping. Yes, traumatized people need support and care but the general public is not the source for that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe one thing to do is to help her see that she's not defined by he trauma, that she may be a victim, but she's not only a victim. That you see her as so much more. I think this also comes from feeling like you have nothing interesting in your life except your trauma. And she needs to hear that you see her as more. Can you encourage her to pursue/talk about particular talents or interests?

[Anonymous]

Regardless of the type of trauma, people must find a way to deal with it rather than allow it to define them.

That’s a fact.

She needs help from a professional. It’s not healthy to bring it up all the time.

Gently raise it with her privately—and not in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading comments in this thread it is no wonder the suicide rate we have and that it is on the rise in a big way. Everyone wants to overshare on social media, usually some largely artificial curated version of their actual life which makes them look far more together than they really are - but very few people are willing to sit with the pain of a person suffering PTSD or other mental illness and who needs connection and validation to continue in the struggle of life.

People suck more than ever, I think, in this digital/social media age. The whole point of life is to be there for each other - but so many people are just focused on their own pleasure and not any kind of service to others which is our moral imperative as decent human beings.

Yeah those hurt people should just shut up and go away. They are annoying.

You are misreading this thread. There is a huge difference between being there for a friend in need, and figuring out how to deal with someone who always and only wants to talk about their drama no matter the setting. We are discussing inappropriate social behavior here that can go on for years, not helping a friend at a particular time of need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

As someone who has experienced personal trauma and grief, I disagree with you that people who don’t want literally every social situation to turn into a personal therapy session focused on one person are “trying to chase you out of the herd.” There is a time and a place and space for absolutely everything. I decline invitations sometimes if I know I’m not going to be able to enjoy myself. I prefer spending time with smaller groups of people, but when I do join in the neighborhood Bunco night, I know that that really isn’t the time or place to open up my innermost thoughts and feelings as if it were dinner at home with my three best friends. Read the room. Yes, you can confide in friends and lean on them when you need them. No, a holiday party is not the time and place for that. If I hit a wall during the big holiday party, I Irish goodbye and go in my car and call a friend—THAT is an appropriate way to lean on a friend in a time of grief.