When a friend always brings down the mood with their trauma, would this be okay?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who brings up her (very serious, very bad) trauma in basically every social situation. It puts a damper on the mood and then the whole event kind of has this shadow hanging over it for the rest of the duration. I was thinking of talking to this person privately and suggesting that they get professional help. I want them to know that I care about them but that this is a bit inappropriate. Is this going to come off as selfish but I don't really know what else to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who brings up her (very serious, very bad) trauma in basically every social situation. It puts a damper on the mood and then the whole event kind of has this shadow hanging over it for the rest of the duration. I was thinking of talking to this person privately and suggesting that they get professional help. I want them to know that I care about them but that this is a bit inappropriate. Is this going to come off as selfish but I don't really know what else to do.

If there is anything I've learned is that she speaks of this trauma bc it effected her deeply and now is a part of her life. I completely understand not wanting to hear it and she probably shoud to go therapy for it. But not everyone can or does and they rely on friends to hear them out. It's hard to hear though for sure. My old friend had a miscarriage and it was the freaking saddest thing to hear, she told me everything. I was starting to get depressed and it was so so so sad for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who brings up her (very serious, very bad) trauma in basically every social situation. It puts a damper on the mood and then the whole event kind of has this shadow hanging over it for the rest of the duration. I was thinking of talking to this person privately and suggesting that they get professional help. I want them to know that I care about them but that this is a bit inappropriate. Is this going to come off as selfish but I don't really know what else to do.

If there is anything I've learned is that she speaks of this trauma bc it effected her deeply and now is a part of her life. I completely understand not wanting to hear it and she probably shoud to go therapy for it. But not everyone can or does and they rely on friends to hear them out. It's hard to hear though for sure. My old friend had a miscarriage and it was the freaking saddest thing to hear, she told me everything. I was starting to get depressed and it was so so so sad for her.

Agree completely. I get that it is deeply ingrained in her life and still effecting her. But, people who just met her at game night don't want to hear about her molestation in great detail (or at all). I'm all for being able to share your story but in the right space. Not just any and every space.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who brings up her (very serious, very bad) trauma in basically every social situation. It puts a damper on the mood and then the whole event kind of has this shadow hanging over it for the rest of the duration. I was thinking of talking to this person privately and suggesting that they get professional help. I want them to know that I care about them but that this is a bit inappropriate. Is this going to come off as selfish but I don't really know what else to do.

I’m someone with a trauma history like this. She probably won’t react well if you tell her that and will become defensive, but it’s the truth. It’s not appropriate to spill your trauma compulsively in every social situation. If she doesn’t get professional help (or change providers, if she currently has one), she’s not going to have friends because people aren’t going to want to be around her.

[Anonymous]

Yes, invite her out and speak to her about it. I imagine she doesn’t realize what she’s doing.

[Anonymous]

I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

[Anonymous]

There is a time and place for these discussions and telling people you are just getting to know these things or talking about it a lot alienates people. It comes off as needy. No one likes needy. She needs professional help and good friends to support her - she really needs to learn what’s appropriate too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a time and place for these discussions and telling people you are just getting to know these things or talking about it a lot alienates people. It comes off as needy. No one likes needy. She needs professional help and good friends to support her - she really needs to learn what’s appropriate too.

So which "good friends" will support her? After all, "no one likes needy"? Really, all of you with the milk of human kindness flowing through your veins.

It must just be human nature to chase unlucky people out of the herd.

[Anonymous]

I bet you this is the product of going to therapy, not the product of failing to go to therapy.

I think it would be kind to talk to her about it but I wouldn’t assume she’ll be open to the criticism. Sex crimes victims, in my experience, are tired of feeling silenced and really don’t want to be told to worry about other people’s comfort.

[Anonymous]

Is she Gen Z? A lot of young women seem to think that sharing their traumas is some kind of bonding process but these kids need to understand how to build a solid friendship first then share appropriately with their closest friends when necessary. Sharing too soon and/or too often comes off as weak and attention-seeking. This is not a way to attract or make friends - and certainly not healthy friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a time and place for these discussions and telling people you are just getting to know these things or talking about it a lot alienates people. It comes off as needy. No one likes needy. She needs professional help and good friends to support her - she really needs to learn what’s appropriate too.

So which "good friends" will support her? After all, "no one likes needy"? Really, all of you with the milk of human kindness flowing through your veins.

It must just be human nature to chase unlucky people out of the herd.

Maybe get to know someone first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a time and place for these discussions and telling people you are just getting to know these things or talking about it a lot alienates people. It comes off as needy. No one likes needy. She needs professional help and good friends to support her - she really needs to learn what’s appropriate too.

So which "good friends" will support her? After all, "no one likes needy"? Really, all of you with the milk of human kindness flowing through your veins.

It must just be human nature to chase unlucky people out of the herd.

More self-pitying manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Op again,

I have no problem listening to her talk about her issues when it's just the two of us drinking wine in the living room. But, it's incredibly strange to all be sitting and playing monopoly and someone drops a heavy topic like molestation. Obviously everyone around wants to be supportive but the evening goes from being fun and lighthearted to heavy and dark.

[Anonymous]

Op, I hear you. I have a friend like this. She has unresolved mental issues- though not trauma- and she brings every conversation around to her and her issues. It’s borderline narcissism, and she is seeing a therapist. She is very isolated due to divorce and her personality pushing friends away. Our friend group has tried to give support but she is very draining and years later we can no longer support.

The result is that she has pushed everyone away, can’t maintain a relationship, and is difficult to take to outings

Tell your friend something to see how she reacts. Maybe it will be a revelation. Otherwise, isolation could only compound