When a friend always brings down the mood with their trauma, would this be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she Gen Z? A lot of young women seem to think that sharing their traumas is some kind of bonding process but these kids need to understand how to build a solid friendship first then share appropriately with their closest friends when necessary. Sharing too soon and/or too often comes off as weak and attention-seeking. This is not a way to attract or make friends - and certainly not healthy friendships.

This happens at work. I’m all for being authentic at work but maybe telling your boss about your mental health struggles isn’t wise? Your boss, no matter how good of a person they are, will have some bias when considering you for a big assignment or promotion, especially if you are competing against someone who isn’t bipolar or whatever. Keep that at home and do your job!

[Anonymous]

Key takeaway from link above:

Trauma bonding is often linked to mental health disorders like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and often without the person realizing it. If you notice that a loved one's trauma dumps frequently or seems to be struggling emotionally with the same problem, encourage them to seek professional support.

Trauma dumping does not actually help the dumper and can traumatize or induce stress in the dumpee when oversharing intense emotional content at inappropriate times happens repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spellbound/202111/why-some-people-dump-their-traumas-us

Trauma dumping is a way to dump feelings not learn to process and regulate emotions. It is harmful to all parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she Gen Z? A lot of young women seem to think that sharing their traumas is some kind of bonding process but these kids need to understand how to build a solid friendship first then share appropriately with their closest friends when necessary. Sharing too soon and/or too often comes off as weak and attention-seeking. This is not a way to attract or make friends - and certainly not healthy friendships.

This happens at work. I’m all for being authentic at work but maybe telling your boss about your mental health struggles isn’t wise? Your boss, no matter how good of a person they are, will have some bias when considering you for a big assignment or promotion, especially if you are competing against someone who isn’t bipolar or whatever. Keep that at home and do your job!

Well if your boss does that then they are breaking the law. Maybe the boss shouldn’t be a manager if they can’t do the job.

[Anonymous]

Trauma bonding refers to the connection formed between a victim and perpetrator via abuse: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding
It’s not the connection between friends who share their trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she Gen Z? A lot of young women seem to think that sharing their traumas is some kind of bonding process but these kids need to understand how to build a solid friendship first then share appropriately with their closest friends when necessary. Sharing too soon and/or too often comes off as weak and attention-seeking. This is not a way to attract or make friends - and certainly not healthy friendships.

This happens at work. I’m all for being authentic at work but maybe telling your boss about your mental health struggles isn’t wise? Your boss, no matter how good of a person they are, will have some bias when considering you for a big assignment or promotion, especially if you are competing against someone who isn’t bipolar or whatever. Keep that at home and do your job!

Well if your boss does that then they are breaking the law. Maybe the boss shouldn’t be a manager if they can’t do the job.

Good luck proving it in court. No, it won’t be on contingency. Payment is due upfront.

[Anonymous]

If anyone finds a tactful and actually HELPFUL way to say this let me know because I definitely have some friends/acquaintances who “trauma dump” (thanks for the new word) and it’s extremely uncomfortable - and I’m also realizing, not helpful to their mental health either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

See, OP, this is the kind of self-pitying, poor me, manipulative response you’re likely to get from your friend.

But you should speak to her anyway, because you’re doing her a favor if she doesn’t want to be friendless and alone.

NP she’ll still be friendless and alone. When the trauma is so big a part of your life that it’s who you are, if you can’t share, you have nothing to talk about so you’re friendless and alone.

This. To give a Harry Potter example, isn't there a magical creature you can only see if you have watched someone die? Trauma changes you. There's this line between the world you find yourself in after trauma and the people who haven't experienced it. You can't really cross back for a social event. It marks you and it is in everything you do, think, and feel.

The people on the other side of the line have all kinds of defenses against the traumatized as a survival mechanism. That's why you all sound like mean girls even though you insist you're lovely, caring people. There must be some evolutionary need to chase unfortunate people out of the herd so their misfortune doesn't infect you. Blame them for harming you and then whatever you do to make them more unhappy is justified.

Here’s a better Harry Potter example for you: Harry, Luna and Neville all experienced great personal loss and trauma, but they still managed to enjoy friendships, have fun, be social, learn new things, try new things, and fight for what they believed in. You’re more like Moaning Myrtle or the Gray Lady: ghosts forever stuck and choosing not to move on.

Harry's loss is referred to in almost every chapter of the series.

Nevilles and Lunas traumas are referred to quite frequently as well. All three have those traumas as part of their personality, and their friends are ok with it.

Neville and Luna don’t talk about it unless it is relevant to the life-threatening situation at hand, as in planning and working to take down Voldemort! If anything, they HATE talking about it, most especially Harry and Neville. The third-person narrator brings it up. FFS. Neville maybe talks about it twice over seven books. Once to explain why his parents are in St. Mungo’s (and he is embarrassed that they stumbled upon him there) and the second time to remind Harry that he’s not the only one willing to risk his life to avenge his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

If you were truly “traumatized,” you wouldn’t be at the party at the first place. I did not attend parties following my traumatic birth experience and PTSD. My friend who just lost her husband at the age of 39 is not attending parties. “Traumatized” people do not go to parties until they work through their issues and are feeling stronger and happier. And if they show up and realize they can’t handle it, they quietly leave. They do not ruin a celebratory event for others. They know the difference between a party and a small gathering of close friends, where it would be fine to say hey I need a little extra support tonight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

If you were truly “traumatized,” you wouldn’t be at the party at the first place. I did not attend parties following my traumatic birth experience and PTSD. My friend who just lost her husband at the age of 39 is not attending parties. “Traumatized” people do not go to parties until they work through their issues and are feeling stronger and happier. And if they show up and realize they can’t handle it, they quietly leave. They do not ruin a celebratory event for others. They know the difference between a party and a small gathering of close friends, where it would be fine to say hey I need a little extra support tonight.

People process trauma in different ways, and there is no one way to do it. Also, some traumas have a lot of stigma and survivors are encouraged/forced to pretend everything is fine or told that what happened is not actually trauma. This is common with sexual assault, but especially molestation. Also other forms of abuse and harassment where the perpetrator is in a position of power over their victim and can continue to control their behavior after the fact. These e pertinences are a form of ongoing trauma.

It’s a very different experience than experiencing a traumatic event that is publicly acknowledged and where you don’t experience victim blaming or silencing. Not worse, just different.

Also people without support networks (especially without family support) are more likely to continue socializing even when they are dealing with PTSD, because the alternative is to be completely alone.

I’m not arguing trauma dumping is good, but there are reasons why other people don’t experience trauma the exact same way you do, or why they might engage in behavior you don’t like. To say “well they must not be traumatized because they aren’t acting the way I did after my trauma” is to ignore nuanced situations and to abandon empathy. It ultimately doesn’t help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trauma bonding refers to the connection formed between a victim and perpetrator via abuse: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding
It’s not the connection between friends who share their trauma.

I said they “share like it’s some kind of bonding process”. I did not use a psych term. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, spend a little time on Tik Tok and with some high school girls. They think their “trauma” (loosely used if course, because it now means anything unpleasant) is their identity and they talk about it too often with too many people in too many situations. They’ve found a way to overcorrect the stigma mental health used to have and make it a different kind of unhealthy: static, obsessive, needy, and attention-seeking.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I would not do group things with her in the same regularity. It isn’t socially appropriate. I would invite her to like every 5th things to establish space. See her one on one if the friendship is important to you and you are comfortable discussing her trauma in that situation. If the trauma is more recent and this was not her typical behavior I might be more patient. But if she’s brining up childhood or college trauma at every social event for the past 15 years that’s a hard pass. Someone who brings up their trauma every game night my guess has some sort of personality disorder, maybe borderline, and that’s just a lot to deal with and are you actually real friends? I don’t take that type of friendship on. Harsh but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trauma bonding refers to the connection formed between a victim and perpetrator via abuse: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding
It’s not the connection between friends who share their trauma.

I said they “share like it’s some kind of bonding process”. I did not use a psych term. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, spend a little time on Tik Tok and with some high school girls. They think their “trauma” (loosely used if course, because it now means anything unpleasant) is their identity and they talk about it too often with too many people in too many situations. They’ve found a way to overcorrect the stigma mental health used to have and make it a different kind of unhealthy: static, obsessive, needy, and attention-seeking.

The person I was adding on to was the PP who posted specifically using the term “trauma bonding.” I should’ve block quoted:

Key takeaway from link above:

Trauma bonding is often linked to mental health disorders like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and often without the person realizing it. If you notice that a loved one's trauma dumps frequently or seems to be struggling emotionally with the same problem, encourage them to seek professional support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in this friend's situation. My solution was to stop talking to people. Trauma is isolating. People don't understand, and though they love to think of themselves as lovely and caring, they're really just great big hypocrites.

Such a shame about your mood having been brought down, though, right?

I’m doing this now.

Sorry my annoying life is a bummer, man. I didn’t mean to lose everything. But I did. Whomp whomp. I’ve learned that it’s easier to avoid people than risk being a “bummer” at a party. Traumas effects are so far flung.

Your desperation for attention is what’s driving people away from you.

Get therapy. The end.

Trust me.’ Attention is the last thing people who are suffering want. I don’t think you’re receptive to hearing from trauma survivors so I’ll save my breath.

This thread is about someone who brings up her trauma to people she barely knows at completely inappropriate times (ie game night). She’s obviously looking for attention. Not sure why you can’t understand that everyone handles trauma differently.

Things that are obvious to you aren’t obvious to me. When I’m bringing it up it’s usually as a way of making an excuse for myself. I know my loss is a bummer and makes me seem sad. I know I’m a bummer just by my presence! I’ll stay away.

This is exactly the kind of emotional manipulation my narc ex used to engage in. Best response? Uh, ok. But still, whilst doing so, get professional help.

+1

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the whole thread so I’m sorry if this has been covered, but one way to approach with a friend is that everyone has possible trauma in their history, and you could be inadvertently triggering someone else’s trauma when you just dump it at inappropriate times/just meeting someone. People who’ve experienced trauma tend to not want to do that to others, so she may react well to that? Like a way of protecting others she doesn’t want to inadvertently harm? I say this as someone who freezes up when certain conversations come out of nowhere, because I wasn’t prepared and now I feel gut punched.