Incapable and Defensive Spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a wife with ADHD and it is so demoralizing and a huge blow to my self esteem. I am a highly educated professional with a responsible job but I mess up almost everything the first time, waste a lot of money on penalties, parking tickets, mistakes, etc, and almost everything is late or I get yelled at before it gets done. I consider myself really irresponsible and unreliable but I keep trying. I am always behind, and someone is always mad at me or about to get mad at me, and it takes me ten times the effort to stay in the same place as it takes other people to get ahead. Men hate it. It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone.

Have you tried medication and an ADHD coach to help you set up systems?

Medication yes coaching no. I would need it daily to weekly and forever, and I feel like I don’t have the disposable income or it should be going bc elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Omg find a nice slow job in academia, that’s where we all hide out. No stress, slow pace, repeats itself each year. Do not work with unknowns or multiple projects or people.
Lecturing on your passion is so nice. Just mind the clock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg find a nice slow job in academia, that’s where we all hide out. No stress, slow pace, repeats itself each year. Do not work with unknowns or multiple projects or people.
Lecturing on your passion is so nice. Just mind the clock.

Thanks, I DO work in academia! There are still pressures there but it’s not as disastrous as the corporate works was.

[Anonymous]

^world

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a wife with ADHD and it is so demoralizing and a huge blow to my self esteem. I am a highly educated professional with a responsible job but I mess up almost everything the first time, waste a lot of money on penalties, parking tickets, mistakes, etc, and almost everything is late or I get yelled at before it gets done. I consider myself really irresponsible and unreliable but I keep trying. I am always behind, and someone is always mad at me or about to get mad at me, and it takes me ten times the effort to stay in the same place as it takes other people to get ahead. Men hate it. It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone.

Have you tried medication and an ADHD coach to help you set up systems?

Medication yes coaching no. I would need it daily to weekly and forever, and I feel like I don’t have the disposable income or it should be going bc elsewhere.

If you had a chronic physical ailment, say constant lower back pain, what would you do?

I have RA. I do not want to go to the doctor every month. I do not want to get blood work done every month. I do not want to fight with insurance companies about what is and is not covered. I do not want to spend my money on higher premiums, and deductibles and copays and orthopedic shoes, and assistive devices, and long term care insurance. But I also made a commitment to support my family, so I have to spend my time and money on the things that allow me to make good on my commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.

I thought you were writing about a woman. No man buys sweatshirts for the kids, right or wrong size.

Most bizarre post of the entire thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a wife with ADHD and it is so demoralizing and a huge blow to my self esteem. I am a highly educated professional with a responsible job but I mess up almost everything the first time, waste a lot of money on penalties, parking tickets, mistakes, etc, and almost everything is late or I get yelled at before it gets done. I consider myself really irresponsible and unreliable but I keep trying. I am always behind, and someone is always mad at me or about to get mad at me, and it takes me ten times the effort to stay in the same place as it takes other people to get ahead. Men hate it. It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone.

Have you tried medication and an ADHD coach to help you set up systems?

Medication yes coaching no. I would need it daily to weekly and forever, and I feel like I don’t have the disposable income or it should be going bc elsewhere.

If you had a chronic physical ailment, say constant lower back pain, what would you do?

I have RA. I do not want to go to the doctor every month. I do not want to get blood work done every month. I do not want to fight with insurance companies about what is and is not covered. I do not want to spend my money on higher premiums, and deductibles and copays and orthopedic shoes, and assistive devices, and long term care insurance. But I also made a commitment to support my family, so I have to spend my time and money on the things that allow me to make good on my commitment.

I guess so, it just makes me feel like that much more of a drain/sink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like classic ADHD to me.

And the way I treat my son with ADHD is to praise the hell out of him when he gets it right. It is so much more effective than pointing out the mistakes. Trust me.

Or classic high functioning autism. Brain can’t handle more than one thing, doesn’t multitask unless vitally important and for external people (ie getting fired or job reputation).

Keep a log so you know how pervasive the pattern is.

If adhd meds can help, if aSD maybe an executive functioning coach or behavioral therapy. But early intervention is the only way to avoid bad habits and defensive attitudes. At age 40 it’s Unf pretty ingrained. He’s in over his head w adult responsibilities and is going to get nasty about it.

So why is it that the brain doesn't work with internal people?

Probably because they know the internal people will pick up the slack. Or because there won’t be any serious or extreme consequences and they know this - being aware of it can even occur subconsciously; it doesn’t have to be deliberate. The consequences for doing this to external people are a lot more serious, like losing their job. The reality is they’re a lot more easily replaceable. This isn’t the case with spouses or children - most spouses won’t divorce over this and it’s not like kids can just choose to fire their parents and replace them with someone more qualified.

Regarding internal people, there’s also an incentive to be had: if they don’t do it correctly, the other half typically picks up the slack in the moment and may even relieve them of the duty entirely to avoid the same thing happening in the future. If the ‘forgetful’ spouse is lazy and manipulative, they may be doing it on purpose in order to (hopefully, in their mind)) get out of doing it, knowing their spouse will give in and take over the task from now on. Unless they possess those traits though, it’s likely not intentional and they’re probably just as frustrated and feel defeated by their shortcomings, especially if the spouse is constantly berating them about it. There has to be a balance - if you’re overly persnickety and strict about the way something is done, you either have to do it yourself and compromise by having them take over one of the tasks you’re not as fussy about or learn to relax and accept that everyone does things differently.

“If you want something done right, do it yourself.” << There’s a lot of validity to this saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.

I thought you were writing about a woman. No man buys sweatshirts for the kids, right or wrong size.

Most bizarre post of the entire thread.

I've bought many sweatshirts for my kids. Only half of them have sports teams on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.

same here but different genders. Weekends are the worst. My spouse has some Dx, not that they agree with the symptoms, Dx or what to do about it. I feel like I ruined my life and the life of my kids w this marriage and person.

Mine is also “successful” at work in a high paying technical field. He bullies those under him. He gaslights them into thinking his mistakes are their mistakes, a la “of course I told you that!”

The power and money really go to their heads that they are great so must not be sukking anywhere in life. Lots of lies and lies of omission.

Their disorders are coped with with narcissism. She’s quite possibly really fight you in court. For no reason other than her ego, not the children’s health or safety or care.

Have you documented any accidents or is she never with the kids solo?

Maybe his behavior got him his high paying status, which is depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people who are like this are doing it on purpose. It takes more thought and effort to buy the wrong kind of milk (assuming the right kind was available). It’s her (childish, stupid) way of saying “f you, I don’t want to shop for groceries.”

Fortunately the grocery one is easily solved. Do the order online and get her to pick it up. Then figure out how to rebalance something else to make up for the ordering time.

Everyone has forgotten an Amazon return. They’re a PITA. If you shop at Whole Foods, you can do them there now which is handy.

I agree. It's a way to say, what you specified doesn't matter, it's inconsequential. You can bet if her boss sent her to buy milk she would damn sure get the 2%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg find a nice slow job in academia, that’s where we all hide out. No stress, slow pace, repeats itself each year. Do not work with unknowns or multiple projects or people.
Lecturing on your passion is so nice. Just mind the clock.

Ahhh this sounds lovely. My passion recently attracted 4 new grants and now I am drowning and going to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you do these things and instead your DH will handle things he is good at (maybe entertaining the kids, working in the yard/house, planning a trip). Sounds like he is picking up things at the store but lacks attention to detail. Those details don’t resonate with him like they do for you.

Also it’s human nature to want to withdraw from someone who is being critical. Your open disappointment in him for something he might just not be able to do isn’t going to help. Either redelagate the chores or manage your expectations.

+100. If you’re detail-oriented, it can be difficult to understand that others are not wired the same, and vice versa. It’s easy to not only be blind to your own bias, but blinded by your own bias as well.

I had to take a hard look in the mirror and learn this myself once upon a time, OP. We all have strengths and we all have shortcomings; and they’re not all the same. There may be some things you don’t care as much about that your spouse does, and because you think they’re unimportant, you may not prioritize them or give them the same thought and attention that your spouse does. You have to be open-minded enough to see it, though; and you have to be willing to admit it to yourself. If you aren’t or refuse to, don’t expect things to get any easier or better. Don’t be a dictator. Pick your battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you're focused on minutiae

Post if you want for entertainment. But I hope there are more important things in life, for you, than this.

It's not minutiae if it's a consistent issue. Once in a while, minutiae. Not if it's constantly not having what you need or wasting money on routine things that do not get done and is a continuing almost daily daily unresolved problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course he’s going to get defensive. You describe him as “incapable” and there’s no way that doesn’t come through. Even if you’re just pointing out the mistakes he made (i.e. “you got regular coffee instead of decaf and nobody drinks decaf”) he picks up on your low opinion of him.

NP. So what’s the solution? (Similar things have happened in my house.)

If I don’t point out the difference between what I asked for and what he purchased, he won’t know to look for it next time. It’s not about blaming him for his past mistake, it’s just about preventing the same mistake going forward. But my spouse takes everything I say so negatively, like OP’s spouse. I’ve been reading about rejection sensitive dysphoria, which sometimes occurs with ADD. I think it may be that.

Solution: you do the grocery shopping. If you’re unable to or it’s just not feasible with your schedule, order online and have him pick it up. You don’t want to tip the scales too much one way and start taking over the tasks you agreed to split, though, so find a compromise that works for you. It could be him taking over a task that you normally do. Whatever you do, though, don’t add more to your list and subtract from his. Aside from overextending yourself, you’ll also be enabling him if you do this..