Incapable and Defensive Spouse

[Anonymous]

It’s been several pages of responses and no word from OP. Wondering if the milk or sweatshirts got returned, or if he just sucked it up and is drinking the decaf coffee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a wife with ADHD and it is so demoralizing and a huge blow to my self esteem. I am a highly educated professional with a responsible job but I mess up almost everything the first time, waste a lot of money on penalties, parking tickets, mistakes, etc, and almost everything is late or I get yelled at before it gets done. I consider myself really irresponsible and unreliable but I keep trying. I am always behind, and someone is always mad at me or about to get mad at me, and it takes me ten times the effort to stay in the same place as it takes other people to get ahead. Men hate it. It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone.

Have you tried medication and an ADHD coach to help you set up systems?

Medication yes coaching no. I would need it daily to weekly and forever, and I feel like I don’t have the disposable income or it should be going bc elsewhere.

Coaching is not forever and it can be life changing. Ask for recs in a different post. Setting yourself up for success day to day is the best investment you can make, for you, your career, and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a wife with ADHD and it is so demoralizing and a huge blow to my self esteem. I am a highly educated professional with a responsible job but I mess up almost everything the first time, waste a lot of money on penalties, parking tickets, mistakes, etc, and almost everything is late or I get yelled at before it gets done. I consider myself really irresponsible and unreliable but I keep trying. I am always behind, and someone is always mad at me or about to get mad at me, and it takes me ten times the effort to stay in the same place as it takes other people to get ahead. Men hate it. It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone.

Have you tried medication and an ADHD coach to help you set up systems?

Medication yes coaching no. I would need it daily to weekly and forever, and I feel like I don’t have the disposable income or it should be going bc elsewhere.

Coaching is not forever and it can be life changing. Ask for recs in a different post. Setting yourself up for success day to day is the best investment you can make, for you, your career, and your family.

I don't think pp particularly cares. It's much easier to play the "pity me" "things will never get better" game. Its how she tries to get away with her behaviors instead of actually trying to change things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you're focused on minutiae

Post if you want for entertainment. But I hope there are more important things in life, for you, than this.

Np

Yeah! Right on! It’s so much fun to find out 10x a day and 70x a week you adult husband didn’t do something he agreed to do or half a$$ed it yet again on mowing the lawn, getting the XYZ from the store, keep the kid safe, locking the front door, paying a bill sent to him, remembering where to take a kid. Details schmetails. Never mind that verbal, written and digital reminders all fail time and time again. It’s not important to be able to rely on your spouse or the other parent of your children!

DP. Unless this is something out of the ordinary and the spouse hasn’t always been this way, your post is rather bombastic as you chose to get with and procreate with this person knowing who they were when you married them. Marriage doesn’t magically alter ones habits. If the writing was on the wall the entire time, you’re just as much to blame for marrying someone and expecting them to suddenly turn into something they’ve never been. Assuming no one forced your hand, you don’t get to act ignorant to your spouse’s shortcomings while not acknowledging that this is the bed you chose to lie in.

I'd agree with you, except that some of this may not have been clear until they had kids. With two adults, each one largely takes care of themselves. Whole other ballgame with kids in the picture.

[Anonymous]

I’m pissed at the person who said, “oh, am I supposed to check the cereal level before I go to the store? How can uuuuuu expect that from meeeee?”

Yes, you check. Someone at the grocery store has to check that they have enough cereal to sell you, plus 10,000 other items. If they can bother checking their inventory, it’s not beneath you to check your inventory. I hate this crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m pissed at the person who said, “oh, am I supposed to check the cereal level before I go to the store? How can uuuuuu expect that from meeeee?”

Yes, you check. Someone at the grocery store has to check that they have enough cereal to sell you, plus 10,000 other items. If they can bother checking their inventory, it’s not beneath you to check your inventory. I hate this crap.

It's not beneath the grocery store clerks, because they get PAID. It's literally their job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m pissed at the person who said, “oh, am I supposed to check the cereal level before I go to the store? How can uuuuuu expect that from meeeee?”

Yes, you check. Someone at the grocery store has to check that they have enough cereal to sell you, plus 10,000 other items. If they can bother checking their inventory, it’s not beneath you to check your inventory. I hate this crap.

It's not beneath the grocery store clerks, because they get PAID. It's literally their job.

Oh, that’s such helpful info. So if I don’t get paid, I shouldn’t do it. Who is paying me to brush my teeth? Who is paying me to wipe my ass? Hey, if I don’t get paid, then I shouldn’t have to bother, right?

I live in this nightmare of undiagnosed spouse with whatever this is, and he just “doesn’t want to deal with” [insert anything that isn’t novel or extreme]. But sure, make salary the only reason to do anything, not MANAGING YOUR LIFE.

[Anonymous]

It gets old being the one that had to check behind or do all of any task. I don’t want to make the lists, shop or create every online order, cook, meal plan into infinity. Or deal with all the kid tantrums because it flairs his nervous system….it flares mine too..but I’m trying to learn how to not get overloaded. It’s exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their turn to do the shopping and they come back with skim milk instead of 2%. Fat free chees instead of normal. No bananas )although on list) apples with dents and holes on them. Rigatoni instead of Ziti. On and on and on. And then blasts me for noticing. Refuses to return milk so the rest of us either clean up after them or suffer.

All aspects of life like this- puts Amazon returns in their trunk but misses the deadline to get them to UPS so we literally throw money away on sweatshirts too small for our kids.

Anytime these things are mentioned they scream back "WHAAAATTTT! So I messed up- do you have to be so mean!!!"

Mind you no one is 'being mean'. I/ we are simply saying "You bought decaf coffee instead of regular and I don't drink decaf."

Short of shopping and doing everything by myself, how does this get fixed?

This is not ADHD. It's more like they just don't give AF.

If you're going to find fault, just do it yourself!

[Anonymous]

It’s a man. This is 90% of husbands including mine. This is why women having demanding jobs is a scam.

[Anonymous]

Having to just do it myself on top of all the other things is breaking my soul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people who are like this are doing it on purpose. It takes more thought and effort to buy the wrong kind of milk (assuming the right kind was available). It’s her (childish, stupid) way of saying “f you, I don’t want to shop for groceries.”

Fortunately the grocery one is easily solved. Do the order online and get her to pick it up. Then figure out how to rebalance something else to make up for the ordering time.

Everyone has forgotten an Amazon return. They’re a PITA. If you shop at Whole Foods, you can do them there now which is handy.

I agree. It's a way to say, what you specified doesn't matter, it's inconsequential. You can bet if her boss sent her to buy milk she would damn sure get the 2%.

People tend to think this, but not true. I've screwed up plenty of things my boss has asked me to do, fortunately, I have a huge upside that my boss appreciates.

[Anonymous]

The other piece to this is, partners often get angry or upset when we use our strategies to get things right and not miss details, but it "takes too much time".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other piece to this is, partners often get angry or upset when we use our strategies to get things right and not miss details, but it "takes too much time".

It’s a cumulative aggravation. Keep using the coping strategies, but also own your impact.

[Anonymous]

My spouse does most of the shopping. Also has significant and unmedicated adhd. He goes to the store probably daily fir things he's forgotten. I don't criticize about this forgetting, he doesn't complain about going all the time (he prefers it to cleaning, cooking and bills which I do) .

Anyway I learned long ago that criticism is useless, just makes him feel angry abd defensive. We try to play to our strengths and look at big picture. But I certainly do felt like op early on, when we had in kids and sh$t hit the fan and I expected bhim to be like me.