Incapable and Defensive Spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I'll ask: man or woman?

NP. It doesn’t matter.

I just asked a question. Don't really care what you think. Ask your own questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like classic ADHD to me.

And the way I treat my son with ADHD is to praise the hell out of him when he gets it right. It is so much more effective than pointing out the mistakes. Trust me.

Or classic high functioning autism. Brain can’t handle more than one thing, doesn’t multitask unless vitally important and for external people (ie getting fired or job reputation).

Keep a log so you know how pervasive the pattern is.

If adhd meds can help, if aSD maybe an executive functioning coach or behavioral therapy. But early intervention is the only way to avoid bad habits and defensive attitudes. At age 40 it’s Unf pretty ingrained. He’s in over his head w adult responsibilities and is going to get nasty about it.

So why is it that the brain doesn't work with internal people?

[Anonymous]

Could you do these things and instead your DH will handle things he is good at (maybe entertaining the kids, working in the yard/house, planning a trip). Sounds like he is picking up things at the store but lacks attention to detail. Those details don’t resonate with him like they do for you.

Also it’s human nature to want to withdraw from someone who is being critical. Your open disappointment in him for something he might just not be able to do isn’t going to help. Either redelagate the chores or manage your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like classic ADHD to me.

And the way I treat my son with ADHD is to praise the hell out of him when he gets it right. It is so much more effective than pointing out the mistakes. Trust me.

Or classic high functioning autism. Brain can’t handle more than one thing, doesn’t multitask unless vitally important and for external people (ie getting fired or job reputation).

Keep a log so you know how pervasive the pattern is.

If adhd meds can help, if aSD maybe an executive functioning coach or behavioral therapy. But early intervention is the only way to avoid bad habits and defensive attitudes. At age 40 it’s Unf pretty ingrained. He’s in over his head w adult responsibilities and is going to get nasty about it.

So why is it that the brain doesn't work with internal people?

I’m not the poster you’re replying to, but I have a teen with HFA and ADHD and I agree with everything PP said. The reason they don’t function at the same level with their family at home is because they’re so mentally exhausted from doing it outside the home. Home is their safe place where people love them and will forgive them, so they can relax and be themselves. Imagine if you spent all day at school or work balancing on the high wire. When you went home, you’d just want to walk normally on the ground, not having to concentrate carefully on your every move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like classic ADHD to me.

And the way I treat my son with ADHD is to praise the hell out of him when he gets it right. It is so much more effective than pointing out the mistakes. Trust me.

There are all sorts of strategies that can help with ADD and it sounds like classic inattentive type to me. Playing to people's strengths is also important, sounds like putting some focus there could be fruitful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I'll ask: man or woman?

NP. It doesn’t matter.

I just asked a question. Don't really care what you think. Ask your own questions.

Again, it doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I'll ask: man or woman?

NP. It doesn’t matter.

I just asked a question. Don't really care what you think. Ask your own questions.

Again, it doesn’t matter.

DP. Most are thinking it’s a man. It doesn’t matter if it is, but most are picturing wife making shopping list of foods she’ll prepare and husband not following the list exactly because he’s not the one serving the food. Maybe sexist, but that’s most readers’ mental image.

[Anonymous]

Of course he’s going to get defensive. You describe him as “incapable” and there’s no way that doesn’t come through. Even if you’re just pointing out the mistakes he made (i.e. “you got regular coffee instead of decaf and nobody drinks decaf”) he picks up on your low opinion of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course he’s going to get defensive. You describe him as “incapable” and there’s no way that doesn’t come through. Even if you’re just pointing out the mistakes he made (i.e. “you got regular coffee instead of decaf and nobody drinks decaf”) he picks up on your low opinion of him.

NP. So what’s the solution? (Similar things have happened in my house.)

If I don’t point out the difference between what I asked for and what he purchased, he won’t know to look for it next time. It’s not about blaming him for his past mistake, it’s just about preventing the same mistake going forward. But my spouse takes everything I say so negatively, like OP’s spouse. I’ve been reading about rejection sensitive dysphoria, which sometimes occurs with ADD. I think it may be that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course he’s going to get defensive. You describe him as “incapable” and there’s no way that doesn’t come through. Even if you’re just pointing out the mistakes he made (i.e. “you got regular coffee instead of decaf and nobody drinks decaf”) he picks up on your low opinion of him.

NP. So what’s the solution? (Similar things have happened in my house.)

If I don’t point out the difference between what I asked for and what he purchased, he won’t know to look for it next time. It’s not about blaming him for his past mistake, it’s just about preventing the same mistake going forward. But my spouse takes everything I say so negatively, like OP’s spouse. I’ve been reading about rejection sensitive dysphoria, which sometimes occurs with ADD. I think it may be that.

You don’t point out mistakes that have already been made. You set spouse up to succeed in the future. Next time you make a grocery list, you don’t write “coffee.” You write “Coffee - NO DECAF.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you do these things and instead your DH will handle things he is good at (maybe entertaining the kids, working in the yard/house, planning a trip). Sounds like he is picking up things at the store but lacks attention to detail. Those details don’t resonate with him like they do for you.

NP here. Hahaha, are you an alien visiting this planet for the first time? I'd bet a million dollars OP's husband is not good at any of those things. Doing anything well requires attention to detail.

[Anonymous]

I stopped expecting my husband to do half the grocery shopping and instead gave him more of the laundry. He would prefer to grocery shop but would either call me three times per trip or come home without critical items or with “great idea!” items that distracted him at the store. You have to play to the strengths of your teammate to make this work.

I disagree with the poster who says it’s your job to set them up for success— no it isn’t. You don’t get extra jobs because your spouse struggles, it is their job to review the list before departing, follow the list, read the package at the store, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like classic ADHD to me.

And the way I treat my son with ADHD is to praise the hell out of him when he gets it right. It is so much more effective than pointing out the mistakes. Trust me.

This is not effective for non ADHD. My DH is the same, doesn’t have ADHD (tests to confirm) just doesn’t pay attention and DGAF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stopped expecting my husband to do half the grocery shopping and instead gave him more of the laundry. He would prefer to grocery shop but would either call me three times per trip or come home without critical items or with “great idea!” items that distracted him at the store. You have to play to the strengths of your teammate to make this work.

I disagree with the poster who says it’s your job to set them up for success— no it isn’t. You don’t get extra jobs because your spouse struggles, it is their job to review the list before departing, follow the list, read the package at the store, etc.

Ha. NP. That's me. I don't do the cooking/shopping so when I do I make calls home to make sure I get the right stuff. It just isn't my job, so I suck at it.

[Anonymous]

OP - you're focused on minutiae

Post if you want for entertainment. But I hope there are more important things in life, for you, than this.