Incapable and Defensive Spouse

[Anonymous]

Their turn to do the shopping and they come back with skim milk instead of 2%. Fat free chees instead of normal. No bananas )although on list) apples with dents and holes on them. Rigatoni instead of Ziti. On and on and on. And then blasts me for noticing. Refuses to return milk so the rest of us either clean up after them or suffer.

All aspects of life like this- puts Amazon returns in their trunk but misses the deadline to get them to UPS so we literally throw money away on sweatshirts too small for our kids.

Anytime these things are mentioned they scream back "WHAAAATTTT! So I messed up- do you have to be so mean!!!"

Mind you no one is 'being mean'. I/ we are simply saying "You bought decaf coffee instead of regular and I don't drink decaf."

Short of shopping and doing everything by myself, how does this get fixed?

This is not ADHD. It's more like they just don't give AF.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I'll ask: man or woman?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't get fixed. You switch to online grocery delivery and schedule a ups pickup. Pick your battles and if all other aspects of them are good your just looking for a fight. Some people are not good at certain things and your spouse is not good at following directions given to them by you. There not flawed there just not a good grocery shopper and forgetful when things are out of sight by putting them in the trunk.

[Anonymous]

Is this the only issue?
Tell us what you love about your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I'll ask: man or woman?

NP. It doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like classic ADHD to me.

And the way I treat my son with ADHD is to praise the hell out of him when he gets it right. It is so much more effective than pointing out the mistakes. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

The Bible and the Koran both warn us about women like the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't get fixed. You switch to online grocery delivery and schedule a ups pickup. Pick your battles and if all other aspects of them are good your just looking for a fight. Some people are not good at certain things and your spouse is not good at following directions given to them by you. There not flawed there just not a good grocery shopper and forgetful when things are out of sight by putting them in the trunk.

^ this. I was resentful of similar behaviors in my spouse. I was able to let it go when I realized I ultimately still loved him and this wasn’t him showing me he didn’t care. We are just different, and me nagging and failing to acknowledge his strengths and what he brings to our relationship/family was me standing in my own way. Ironically when I truly moved on, he stepped up his grocery and errand game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like classic ADHD to me.

And the way I treat my son with ADHD is to praise the hell out of him when he gets it right. It is so much more effective than pointing out the mistakes. Trust me.

+1 I'm the person with ADHD and this is exactly how I was before getting diagnosed and starting medication. I also agree with the praise vs screaming approach.

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling, divorce, and/or accept that you have to do anything you care about yourself because you can’t rely on your spouse.

[Anonymous]

It can’t be fixed unless your spouse acknowledges the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like classic ADHD to me.

And the way I treat my son with ADHD is to praise the hell out of him when he gets it right. It is so much more effective than pointing out the mistakes. Trust me.

Or classic high functioning autism. Brain can’t handle more than one thing, doesn’t multitask unless vitally important and for external people (ie getting fired or job reputation).

Keep a log so you know how pervasive the pattern is.

If adhd meds can help, if aSD maybe an executive functioning coach or behavioral therapy. But early intervention is the only way to avoid bad habits and defensive attitudes. At age 40 it’s Unf pretty ingrained. He’s in over his head w adult responsibilities and is going to get nasty about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like classic ADHD to me.

And the way I treat my son with ADHD is to praise the hell out of him when he gets it right. It is so much more effective than pointing out the mistakes. Trust me.

Or classic high functioning autism. Brain can’t handle more than one thing, doesn’t multitask unless vitally important and for external people (ie getting fired or job reputation).

Keep a log so you know how pervasive the pattern is.

If adhd meds can help, if aSD maybe an executive functioning coach or behavioral therapy. But early intervention is the only way to avoid bad habits and defensive attitudes. At age 40 it’s Unf pretty ingrained. He’s in over his head w adult responsibilities and is going to get nasty about it.

Piling on to say this is exactly my ADHD spouse. Meds helped - he's more functional AND less frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like classic ADHD to me.

And the way I treat my son with ADHD is to praise the hell out of him when he gets it right. It is so much more effective than pointing out the mistakes. Trust me.

Or classic high functioning autism. Brain can’t handle more than one thing, doesn’t multitask unless vitally important and for external people (ie getting fired or job reputation).

Keep a log so you know how pervasive the pattern is.

If adhd meds can help, if aSD maybe an executive functioning coach or behavioral therapy. But early intervention is the only way to avoid bad habits and defensive attitudes. At age 40 it’s Unf pretty ingrained. He’s in over his head w adult responsibilities and is going to get nasty about it.

PP with ADHD, I wasn't diagnosed until nearly 40, and it's been hard but meds and therapy help. I think if OP approaches it in a loving concerned manner instead of you're just a f**K up that is ruining our life she'd get a lot further. Also don't let your kids pile on, piling on a mistake has never helped anyone, anywhere ADHD or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't get fixed. You switch to online grocery delivery and schedule a ups pickup. Pick your battles and if all other aspects of them are good your just looking for a fight. Some people are not good at certain things and your spouse is not good at following directions given to them by you. There not flawed there just not a good grocery shopper and forgetful when things are out of sight by putting them in the trunk.

Sounds like this spouse is not good at anything.