Incapable and Defensive Spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a previous pp with ADHD I am also a woman. Also highly intelligent, and working in a field that requires a high level of focus. I function okay at work, but it literally zaps all my energy and all my focus so that it's nearly impossible for me to get things done at home.

I am very fortunate that I have a spouse who doesn't expect me to be Susie Homemaker and is capable of other tasks. There's plenty I do around the house. Lists and reminders help. Groceries are a struggle for me even with a list.

But do you get nearly every item on the list wrong or botched up like OP’s wife does? Milk is a good example. The 2% has a different color label or cap compared to the skim. If you’re buying your milk at the same store week after week, you are going to notice the color of the cap. A two year old could figure out that one. You seem sincere; however, from OP’a description I’m not buying that his wife is an unfortunate victim of adhd, overwork, or an unsympathetic husband.

Honestly, it depends on the day, and I definitely did so more frequently before eI was diagnosed and took medication. It's really hard to explain to someone without ADHD how much of a nightmare something as basic as grocery shopping can be. I have grabbed what I thought was the right item, only to get home and see it was something else, I have forgotten items, and purchased things I really didn't ned this is all without a list. I have been shopping independently for about 20 years and I couldn't tell you what color tops the milk I buy is.

Y0u aren't alone, so many people wrongly believe that these things aren't ADHD, that they are just lazy, and aren't trying hard enough they think they are being helpful by comparing an adult to a toddler. Just be grateful you don't have ADHD. I truly wish I didn't.

[Anonymous]

I do almost all the cooking, so I just do all the grocery shopping too.

My lists consist of "veggies, fruit, turkey, canned peas, milk, eggs...." Husband needs a list that looks like "fresh asparagus, green leaf lettuce, jazz apples if they look good, 2% milk in a quart, etc etc."

It's far, far easier to just do the damn shopping that takes an hour rather than spend 30 minutes writing up the list he needs to actually get the correct items and then find canned asparagus in the bag because he though it looked interesting. Gross, no it didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.

I thought you were writing about a woman. No man buys sweatshirts for the kids, right or wrong size.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I'll ask: man or woman?

NP. It doesn’t matter.

I just asked a question. Don't really care what you think. Ask your own questions.

Again, it doesn’t matter.

Again, that’s your opinion and nobody voted you DCUM hall monitor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever sex the person is, you have to do what each of you does well.

If you are picky, you pretty much have to do everything yourself. I am a woman and my dh would be incredibly picky about how the dishwasher was loaded, so I refused to load it. After he loaded it for ten years, he became less picky because he didn't want to load it constantly. Win win.

If you want really specific things from the grocery store, you need to go, or place a pickup order and dh just picks it up curbside..

This. There may be a larger issue to address, but online order (and you can save it, so it minimizes the time you have to spend on it after the first time) and having him do curbside pickup sounds like an easy fix for the grocery problem — unless, of course, you just want to complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.

same here but different genders. Weekends are the worst. My spouse has some Dx, not that they agree with the symptoms, Dx or what to do about it. I feel like I ruined my life and the life of my kids w this marriage and person.

Mine is also “successful” at work in a high paying technical field. He bullies those under him. He gaslights them into thinking his mistakes are their mistakes, a la “of course I told you that!”

The power and money really go to their heads that they are great so must not be sukking anywhere in life. Lots of lies and lies of omission.

Their disorders are coped with with narcissism. She’s quite possibly really fight you in court. For no reason other than her ego, not the children’s health or safety or care.

Have you documented any accidents or is she never with the kids solo?

[Anonymous]

I think people who are like this are doing it on purpose. It takes more thought and effort to buy the wrong kind of milk (assuming the right kind was available). It’s her (childish, stupid) way of saying “f you, I don’t want to shop for groceries.”

Fortunately the grocery one is easily solved. Do the order online and get her to pick it up. Then figure out how to rebalance something else to make up for the ordering time.

Everyone has forgotten an Amazon return. They’re a PITA. If you shop at Whole Foods, you can do them there now which is handy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do almost all the cooking, so I just do all the grocery shopping too.

My lists consist of "veggies, fruit, turkey, canned peas, milk, eggs...." Husband needs a list that looks like "fresh asparagus, green leaf lettuce, jazz apples if they look good, 2% milk in a quart, etc etc."

It's far, far easier to just do the damn shopping that takes an hour rather than spend 30 minutes writing up the list he needs to actually get the correct items and then find canned asparagus in the bag because he though it looked interesting. Gross, no it didn't.

Dh does our shopping and we use an app so all the lists are really detailed with brand names etc. We did jt once and now when it type "lettuce" it comes up with "butter lettuce, round kind 3 in one container". I tend to communicate less and assume things and DH always does detailed plans and lists. So we eliminated as much of the gap as we could.

[Anonymous]

The OP and most responders are overlooking the very important point that this ADHD-sounding spouse probably married you partly for this exact reason, that you are a counterweight for their weakness in this area. Try not to go to extremes of this situation and recognize that this is something your spouse values about you; think about the other things you value besides this area of incompetence.

[Anonymous]

I’m a wife with ADHD and it is so demoralizing and a huge blow to my self esteem. I am a highly educated professional with a responsible job but I mess up almost everything the first time, waste a lot of money on penalties, parking tickets, mistakes, etc, and almost everything is late or I get yelled at before it gets done. I consider myself really irresponsible and unreliable but I keep trying. I am always behind, and someone is always mad at me or about to get mad at me, and it takes me ten times the effort to stay in the same place as it takes other people to get ahead. Men hate it. It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone.

[Anonymous]

My partner is like this. It helpful to read responses to understand. They’ve promised to get diagnosed, but we’re a few years into waiting for that to happen. I love them but we are both exhausted by the dynamics of adhd - would make the appointment for them if that was not overstepping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a wife with ADHD and it is so demoralizing and a huge blow to my self esteem. I am a highly educated professional with a responsible job but I mess up almost everything the first time, waste a lot of money on penalties, parking tickets, mistakes, etc, and almost everything is late or I get yelled at before it gets done. I consider myself really irresponsible and unreliable but I keep trying. I am always behind, and someone is always mad at me or about to get mad at me, and it takes me ten times the effort to stay in the same place as it takes other people to get ahead. Men hate it. It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone.

Maybe work on it instead of this ridiculous "im a victim" BS. Thats why people don't like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a wife with ADHD and it is so demoralizing and a huge blow to my self esteem. I am a highly educated professional with a responsible job but I mess up almost everything the first time, waste a lot of money on penalties, parking tickets, mistakes, etc, and almost everything is late or I get yelled at before it gets done. I consider myself really irresponsible and unreliable but I keep trying. I am always behind, and someone is always mad at me or about to get mad at me, and it takes me ten times the effort to stay in the same place as it takes other people to get ahead. Men hate it. It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone.

Maybe work on it instead of this ridiculous "im a victim" BS. Thats why people don't like you.

What makes you think I have not and do not work on it? The whole point essence of this condition is that it is not surmountable. You work and work and work for less reward than other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP and most responders are overlooking the very important point that this ADHD-sounding spouse probably married you partly for this exact reason, that you are a counterweight for their weakness in this area. Try not to go to extremes of this situation and recognize that this is something your spouse values about you; think about the other things you value besides this area of incompetence.

THIS.

With DW in STEM, Aspergers is a real possibility OP, often attention issues and anxiety go with that.

It is very likely that at least one of your kids has some similar traits. Help your wife and help that child and your family as a whole.

What do you love/value about DW? About the child most similar to her?

The grocery issue is SUCH an easy fix. A standing online order that is picked up or delivered saves a lot of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a wife with ADHD and it is so demoralizing and a huge blow to my self esteem. I am a highly educated professional with a responsible job but I mess up almost everything the first time, waste a lot of money on penalties, parking tickets, mistakes, etc, and almost everything is late or I get yelled at before it gets done. I consider myself really irresponsible and unreliable but I keep trying. I am always behind, and someone is always mad at me or about to get mad at me, and it takes me ten times the effort to stay in the same place as it takes other people to get ahead. Men hate it. It sucks and I would not wish it on anyone.

Have you tried medication and an ADHD coach to help you set up systems?