Incapable and Defensive Spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.

same here but different genders. Weekends are the worst. My spouse has some Dx, not that they agree with the symptoms, Dx or what to do about it. I feel like I ruined my life and the life of my kids w this marriage and person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.

Well, you’ve now gotten three pages of suggestions. What are you going to do about it?

Does she work? Is her job in jeopardy? There is no way she is not similar at work but maybe senior enough to make other people clean up the errors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.

Well, you’ve now gotten three pages of suggestions. What are you going to do about it?

Read the book Going over the Edge

Your spouse needs an neuropysch and then take it from there how to treat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.

Well, you’ve now gotten three pages of suggestions. What are you going to do about it?

Does she work? Is her job in jeopardy? There is no way she is not similar at work but maybe senior enough to make other people clean up the errors.

Yes, she works. She's is a SME in a very technical field. She regularly briefs Statesmen and Stateswomen, has a TS w/ poly, the whole nine yards. She is as high up as that role goes but she can't be bothered to read a label when it's for anyone but her.

[Anonymous]

Does she make mistakes like buying the wrong shade of foundation or the wrong screws or whatever for her own stuff? If so, this is just the way she is. If not, you need to sit her down and say “look Larla, you really don’t seem to care if you buy the kind of milk the kids and I like to drink and that feels really sh*tty. What’s up with that?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.

Well, you’ve now gotten three pages of suggestions. What are you going to do about it?

Does she work? Is her job in jeopardy? There is no way she is not similar at work but maybe senior enough to make other people clean up the errors.

Yes, she works. She's is a SME in a very technical field. She regularly briefs Statesmen and Stateswomen, has a TS w/ poly, the whole nine yards. She is as high up as that role goes but she can't be bothered to read a label when it's for anyone but her.

I'm your wife OP. I am in a role that requires a ton of attention to detail and I have no problems following direction or instruction from my employer but I don't care about the dust on our tables or water spots on our bathroom vanity. It's of no consequence to me. But if it involves money, I'm on it because I hate losing money. So DH can trust me to keep a 800-credit score but not to keep our house spotless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stopped expecting my husband to do half the grocery shopping and instead gave him more of the laundry. He would prefer to grocery shop but would either call me three times per trip or come home without critical items or with “great idea!” items that distracted him at the store. You have to play to the strengths of your teammate to make this work.

I disagree with the poster who says it’s your job to set them up for success— no it isn’t. You don’t get extra jobs because your spouse struggles, it is their job to review the list before departing, follow the list, read the package at the store, etc.

Correct. It was his parents job to teach him and get his help if he was struggling with life skills (hygiene, planning, organizing, prioritizing, animal care, etc.)

OP married the spouse so now it is time to figure out how to get the best results from those who are on the team.

OP, do any of your kids have executive function challenges? Is it possible to have a standing grocery order that is simply picked up (free to do this at WF). I would be irked about the coffee but the pasta seems pretty minor.

[Anonymous]

Glad the poster is a man and the subject is a woman. The women on DCUM no longer know how to respond since they can't spew their man-hating responses. Much harder when you actually have to think. Hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a man and my spouse is woman. A highly intelliget, highly educated (Ivy undergrad and grad) woman but I'm losing my mind.

It's been like this for years but I lost it this morning over a half dozen things we needed and neither had time to clean up. Then she played victim that I was upset by a problem she caused that affected me and our kids.

Have you considered that your highly intelligent wife might be doing this on purpose - to make you lose your mind?

I dated someone like this. He later admitted he thinks he’s a sociopath. We exchanged text messages to meet on Monday, he didn’t show up and then said “I thought we said Wednesday!” He “forgot” my birthday (which I had reminded him of the day before), then claimed he’d spent the day comforting an old friend whose wife has died of cancer. I asked him to wash my pillowcase with his things so I could have a reminder of his scent. He said that was so romantic, then when he finally gave it back it was crumpled and musty. Also he claimed he doesn’t wear deodorant, yet all summer long that we dated he smelled fresh and never had any body odor. Then when things went south, literally the last time we saw each other, he had strong B.O. Total mindf*k and totally on purpose.

At best this was passive-aggressive behavior to punish me or keep me in line. At worst, he simply enjoyed seeing me confused, disappointed and frustrated. Any of this resonate with you OP?

[Anonymous]

Online grocery pickup. Please save yourself the torture.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a previous pp with ADHD I am also a woman. Also highly intelligent, and working in a field that requires a high level of focus. I function okay at work, but it literally zaps all my energy and all my focus so that it's nearly impossible for me to get things done at home.

I am very fortunate that I have a spouse who doesn't expect me to be Susie Homemaker and is capable of other tasks. There's plenty I do around the house. Lists and reminders help. Groceries are a struggle for me even with a list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a previous pp with ADHD I am also a woman. Also highly intelligent, and working in a field that requires a high level of focus. I function okay at work, but it literally zaps all my energy and all my focus so that it's nearly impossible for me to get things done at home.

I am very fortunate that I have a spouse who doesn't expect me to be Susie Homemaker and is capable of other tasks. There's plenty I do around the house. Lists and reminders help. Groceries are a struggle for me even with a list.

But do you get nearly every item on the list wrong or botched up like OP’s wife does? Milk is a good example. The 2% has a different color label or cap compared to the skim. If you’re buying your milk at the same store week after week, you are going to notice the color of the cap. A two year old could figure out that one. You seem sincere; however, from OP’a description I’m not buying that his wife is an unfortunate victim of adhd, overwork, or an unsympathetic husband.

[Anonymous]

I divorced this person, only he was not nearly as successful professionally as your wife. And yes I believe 100% a woman could be just as bad about this as a man, although statistically slightly less likely. I have zero regrets about divorcing because why be married to someone so fundamentally unreliable? It totally destroys love and respect. Sorry, OP. Some of us just got duds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a previous pp with ADHD I am also a woman. Also highly intelligent, and working in a field that requires a high level of focus. I function okay at work, but it literally zaps all my energy and all my focus so that it's nearly impossible for me to get things done at home.

I am very fortunate that I have a spouse who doesn't expect me to be Susie Homemaker and is capable of other tasks. There's plenty I do around the house. Lists and reminders help. Groceries are a struggle for me even with a list.

But do you get nearly every item on the list wrong or botched up like OP’s wife does? Milk is a good example. The 2% has a different color label or cap compared to the skim. If you’re buying your milk at the same store week after week, you are going to notice the color of the cap. A two year old could figure out that one. You seem sincere; however, from OP’a description I’m not buying that his wife is an unfortunate victim of adhd, overwork, or an unsympathetic husband.

I’m the immediate PP and wanted to add that OP’s wife may be racheting down expectations for housework to make herself seem so unreliable or difficult (but in a victimy way that OP should feel some guilt about) so that OP just gives up and does this stuff himself and makes it look like it was OP’s idea that all the housework rests in his shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course he’s going to get defensive. You describe him as “incapable” and there’s no way that doesn’t come through. Even if you’re just pointing out the mistakes he made (i.e. “you got regular coffee instead of decaf and nobody drinks decaf”) he picks up on your low opinion of him.

NP. If this is the way he handles basic tasks, he IS incapable.

Signed,
Daughter of an undiagnosed ADHD father