What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

I never understand these people who try to talk to their parents about their failures. You really think your mom and dad are going to change after 60+ years of life and announce “of course! we failed! thank you for showing us the light.”

Your parents failed. So have you. You were a spoiled brat at times and a sweet, misunderstood angel at others. The best thing you can do is the hard work of being a parent yourself. Forgive your wretched parents and hope that your child will do the same for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand these people who try to talk to their parents about their failures. You really think your mom and dad are going to change after 60+ years of life and announce “of course! we failed! thank you for showing us the light.”

Your parents failed. So have you. You were a spoiled brat at times and a sweet, misunderstood angel at others. The best thing you can do is the hard work of being a parent yourself. Forgive your wretched parents and hope that your child will do the same for you.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand these people who try to talk to their parents about their failures. You really think your mom and dad are going to change after 60+ years of life and announce “of course! we failed! thank you for showing us the light.”

Your parents failed. So have you. You were a spoiled brat at times and a sweet, misunderstood angel at others. The best thing you can do is the hard work of being a parent yourself. Forgive your wretched parents and hope that your child will do the same for you.

Well, in my family, these discussions were attempted starting when the adult kids were in their early 20s (still young enough that this issues were very fresh, but old enough to realize that our childhood was not normal). And by mid-30s, the children had either decided on estrangement (full or partial) or appeasement as strategies (or moving to a different continent entirely, for one sib.) Another thing is that the relationship between parents and adult children is ongoing. The dysfunction that happens in childhood doesn't suddenly disappear in adulthood, and that can continue to create ongoing problems. If the parent refuses to address either the past or the present, well, there's only so much that can be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understand these people who try to talk to their parents about their failures. You really think your mom and dad are going to change after 60+ years of life and announce “of course! we failed! thank you for showing us the light.”

Your parents failed. So have you. You were a spoiled brat at times and a sweet, misunderstood angel at others. The best thing you can do is the hard work of being a parent yourself. Forgive your wretched parents and hope that your child will do the same for you.

Well, in my family, these discussions were attempted starting when the adult kids were in their early 20s (still young enough that this issues were very fresh, but old enough to realize that our childhood was not normal). And by mid-30s, the children had either decided on estrangement (full or partial) or appeasement as strategies (or moving to a different continent entirely, for one sib.) Another thing is that the relationship between parents and adult children is ongoing. The dysfunction that happens in childhood doesn't suddenly disappear in adulthood, and that can continue to create ongoing problems. If the parent refuses to address either the past or the present, well, there's only so much that can be done.

(Also - children don't "fail" in the vast majority of cases. They are children. If your position is that minor children can just be written off as difficult failures, well then, there you go. You don't really deserve to expect much in terms of a relationship with your adult failure child.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you comment on this thread please list how many kids you have raised. And their ages so we can understand your experience or lack of it.

Five kids. 32 (married with a child), 29 (married with a child), 27 (single), 25 (engaged), 20 (in college). Great relationships with all five. Two of them are in therapy. One is a military officer with PTSD. The other has struggled with anxiety and an eating disorder.

I posted earlier that I would apologize for anything I might have done to contribute to their hurt. And I would remind them over and over again that I love them unconditionally and that nothing could ever change that.

I was certainly far from a perfect parent. I did the best I could with the knowledge and experience I had at the time. I made mistakes along the way, of course. I would openly acknowledge any hurt I caused and apologize. I would also ask what I could do to help in the healing process.

OHMYGOD

My mother did this. "I apologize for everything I ever did your entire life that might have hurt you". Then later when I told her I'm queer and the horrible things she said to me about being LGBT didn't count because she apologized for every single thing that she's ever done in her entire life.

You need to understand that most parents are afraid for their LGBT adult children and the difficulties they will face. So if they can't accept it, they may be in denial and overcome by fear for their kid. There is also an element of broken dreams that parents had for their kid, how their kids life and wedding and grandkids would happen. When you say 'I'm gay', they hear, my life is not going to be as you hoped. That doesn't mean they don't love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.

Just remember that your own kids are watching how you treat your parents and they will think it's pretty normal to cut ties with you one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.

Just remember that your own kids are watching how you treat your parents and they will think it's pretty normal to cut ties with you one day.

If I treated my kid like my parents treated me, I would want him to cut ties. As he gets older I fully expect to give him more details about the family so he will understand.

But nice - so you both think that parents can treat their children however they want, and that children have a duty to their parents? Sorry, no, does not work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you comment on this thread please list how many kids you have raised. And their ages so we can understand your experience or lack of it.

Five kids. 32 (married with a child), 29 (married with a child), 27 (single), 25 (engaged), 20 (in college). Great relationships with all five. Two of them are in therapy. One is a military officer with PTSD. The other has struggled with anxiety and an eating disorder.

I posted earlier that I would apologize for anything I might have done to contribute to their hurt. And I would remind them over and over again that I love them unconditionally and that nothing could ever change that.

I was certainly far from a perfect parent. I did the best I could with the knowledge and experience I had at the time. I made mistakes along the way, of course. I would openly acknowledge any hurt I caused and apologize. I would also ask what I could do to help in the healing process.

OHMYGOD

My mother did this. "I apologize for everything I ever did your entire life that might have hurt you". Then later when I told her I'm queer and the horrible things she said to me about being LGBT didn't count because she apologized for every single thing that she's ever done in her entire life.

You need to understand that most parents are afraid for their LGBT adult children and the difficulties they will face. So if they can't accept it, they may be in denial and overcome by fear for their kid. There is also an element of broken dreams that parents had for their kid, how their kids life and wedding and grandkids would happen. When you say 'I'm gay', they hear, my life is not going to be as you hoped. That doesn't mean they don't love you.

And then, if that was the parent's reaction, they would need to do a LOT of apologizing and listening when their adult child came to them and disclosed how painful it had been to be rejected for being LGBT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.

Just remember that your own kids are watching how you treat your parents and they will think it's pretty normal to cut ties with you one day.

If I treated my kid like my parents treated me, I would want him to cut ties. As he gets older I fully expect to give him more details about the family so he will understand.

But nice - so you both think that parents can treat their children however they want, and that children have a duty to their parents? Sorry, no, does not work that way.

I'm just saying that your kid is watching and learning how you interact or don't interact with your parents. They will do as you do. If you don't believe it just wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.

Just remember that your own kids are watching how you treat your parents and they will think it's pretty normal to cut ties with you one day.

If I treated my kid like my parents treated me, I would want him to cut ties. As he gets older I fully expect to give him more details about the family so he will understand.

But nice - so you both think that parents can treat their children however they want, and that children have a duty to their parents? Sorry, no, does not work that way.

You are already harming your kid by keeping his grandparents from him. So when he is an adult and they are passed, he will ask you 'Why didn't you let me see my grandparents?' I wish I had grandparents like my friends. See how that works? You are all about you and not thinking about what you are doing to your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.

Just remember that your own kids are watching how you treat your parents and they will think it's pretty normal to cut ties with you one day.

If I treated my kid like my parents treated me, I would want him to cut ties. As he gets older I fully expect to give him more details about the family so he will understand.

But nice - so you both think that parents can treat their children however they want, and that children have a duty to their parents? Sorry, no, does not work that way.

Wow, you need to look that the bigger picture, you are putting your hurt on the next generation. Bad parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.

Just remember that your own kids are watching how you treat your parents and they will think it's pretty normal to cut ties with you one day.

If I treated my kid like my parents treated me, I would want him to cut ties. As he gets older I fully expect to give him more details about the family so he will understand.

But nice - so you both think that parents can treat their children however they want, and that children have a duty to their parents? Sorry, no, does not work that way.

Wow, you need to look that the bigger picture, you are putting your hurt on the next generation. Bad parenting.

Absent abuse, I agree 100%. This is shi77y parenting.

[Anonymous]

nah, no one needs crummy grandparents. you guys are trolls. just clean up your act and be decent to your adult children are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understand these people who try to talk to their parents about their failures. You really think your mom and dad are going to change after 60+ years of life and announce “of course! we failed! thank you for showing us the light.”

Your parents failed. So have you. You were a spoiled brat at times and a sweet, misunderstood angel at others. The best thing you can do is the hard work of being a parent yourself. Forgive your wretched parents and hope that your child will do the same for you.

Well, in my family, these discussions were attempted starting when the adult kids were in their early 20s (still young enough that this issues were very fresh, but old enough to realize that our childhood was not normal). And by mid-30s, the children had either decided on estrangement (full or partial) or appeasement as strategies (or moving to a different continent entirely, for one sib.) Another thing is that the relationship between parents and adult children is ongoing. The dysfunction that happens in childhood doesn't suddenly disappear in adulthood, and that can continue to create ongoing problems. If the parent refuses to address either the past or the present, well, there's only so much that can be done.

(Also - children don't "fail" in the vast majority of cases. They are children. If your position is that minor children can just be written off as difficult failures, well then, there you go. You don't really deserve to expect much in terms of a relationship with your adult failure child.)

Minor children do fail, because they are human beings and not blank canvases with no emotions or responsibilities. Children are routinely selfish and thoughtless and cruel. They are also innocent and sweet and marvelous and kind. In fact, we do a major disservice to children when we release them from ownership of their own actions. My kid‘s teacher just told me yesterday that her class doesn’t listen to her and that it is worse than ten years ago. I keep witnessing mothers walking behind their preschoolers, pleading with them to not destroy everything in their paths, and they somehow think the kid is going to listen to their teacher three years later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.

Just remember that your own kids are watching how you treat your parents and they will think it's pretty normal to cut ties with you one day.

If I treated my kid like my parents treated me, I would want him to cut ties. As he gets older I fully expect to give him more details about the family so he will understand.

But nice - so you both think that parents can treat their children however they want, and that children have a duty to their parents? Sorry, no, does not work that way.

I'm just saying that your kid is watching and learning how you interact or don't interact with your parents. They will do as you do. If you don't believe it just wait.

Dp. I kept in touch with my dysfunctional family, even bringing my young children around them. By the time my kids were es age, they recognized that things were "weird" over there and started resisting the family visits. We explained things in an age appropriate way and started to distance ourselves. Covid was a blessing, because it provided the perfect reason not to visit. We've all grown and accepted that our dysfunctional family members will never change. We acknowledged what the kids were seeing and have told them more about my childhood. Now that they are teens, they have the ability to see why distance from them is important. My kids have been raised in a loving, *functional* home and have experienced no traumas. When they are grown, we will continue to be loving and functional and visits with us will be enjoyable.