What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.
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Anonymous
If adult kids are trying to make sense of their childhood, let them. My experience is that if something feels off in the family of origin, there is a good reason(s) and it is important for people to divulge information until things no longer feel off. Sometimes, parents and adult children have equally contributed without malice intended. I come from a family of neurodivergent people, my father had affairs that were hidden from some family members but not others and both of my parents had many narcissitic traits. When all of this information finally came to light after decades of being stressed in my family of origin, I finally felt peace because all of it hung together. Not knowing what was wrong made it impossible to find peace. There is no “let them,” do you get it? They are adults, they are doing what they want and need to do, whether you like it or not. There’s no “let them,” there is only you choosing to listen to them, reflect on what they have to say, and maybe accept some responsibility, apologize, and work on doing better. But know that there is no “let them” when it comes to another adult seeking therapy or or perspective. That’s their choice, that has nothing to do with you. |
Anonymous
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I can’t remember a time when my parents ever apologized for things like losing their temper, forgetting important things, or pushing me into situations I wasn’t comfortable with.
On the other hand, I have made it a regular practice with my own child. Obviously there’s a generational divide at play here, but my parents were also particularly authoritarian. I just thought it was well established at this point that the infallible parent model is not a good one. Some posters here seem to have missed the memo. Monkey see monkey do and all that. If you want to raise compassionate, accountable adults…you have to act that way with your kids. So many issues with adult “children” seem to stem from rigid parents clinging to authority like dictators who can never admit fault. It’s wild. Even wilder is that I probably learned more about how to be a decent human from working for a really great boss for the last 20 years. Lucky to have found a role model in an unlikely place. But, I imagine my life would look very different today if I’d learned these lessons earlier. |
Anonymous
Pretty ballsy of you to think you have any right, or expertise, to define what is "abuse or trauma" for another person. Some of you need to check yourself and recognize that, whatever you think, you actually know sh-- about what another person has been through or subjected to (or capable of enduring). Have some empathy. Compassion. And if you can't, then just STFU. |
Anonymous
Amen. And also, if the PP believes the only things anyone should ever have to apologize for are things that amount to their definition of abuse… well damn, I hope I don’t know them in real life! Psycho much? |
Anonymous
DP. I agree with pp, and it’s pretty ballsy of you to assert that ACs should get a free pass for every and all complaint against their parents. Of course there’s real abuse but, as pp wrote, some AC’s blame their parents for their own choices. If you have kids, they must be little monsters. |
Anonymous
Interesting comment about PP asserting that AC get a free pass for every and all complaints about their parents. I’m curious to know where you got that idea from her statement about not knowing somebody’s life and having empathy and compassion for others? |
Anonymous
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People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.
Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else. Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence. |
Anonymous
Because you take the AC’s side in every single argument. |
Anonymous
So even when an AC’s problems are their own fault, in the end it’s down to bad parenting anyway. Which is just another form of excuse. To repeat: your children must be monsters. |
Anonymous
That's super mean of you to say! But I wasn't the PP you were talking to earlier; there is more than one person who disagrees with you. I don't think you have the capability of dropping your defenses and understanding what we are saying. If you did have that capability, you wouldn't resort to calling our children monsters. Also you would notice that I said repeatedly "can," rather than talking in absolutes like you are. It seems like this might be a really emotional topic for you! You might want to do a little emotional regulation practice yourself. Also, I talking from experience. I have one parent who was pretty good but did things that have harmful impacts, and one parent who was severely emotionally abusive and physically neglectful. People tell me all the time that they have no idea how I got through my childhood. The fact that I can see that their actions have really bad consequences for me in my life doesn't mean I'm blaming them for all my bad choices. I have a good marriage, a good career, I'm a pretty good mom, etc. in spite of everything. I have asked them to acknowledge their mistakes (which they did), but that was for the purpose of building a deeper relationship with them, not so that I can blame them for stuff. Now my sister, despite being 36 years old, has never stopped asking my parents for apologies and she continues to blame their parenting choices (that weren't even bad parenting choices) for her kind of crappy life. She should stop doing that and grow up, but nobody who knows what our childhood looks at her actions and thinks "why on earth would she be like that?" |
Anonymous
| Funny how we all swear not to repeat our parents’ mistakes. And than your children grow up and blame YOU for all YOUR mistakes. Funny how that happens from one generation to the next. |
Anonymous
My mom never confronted her mom for allowing my mom to be molested as a child and looking the other way. She left home at 18 and cut her mom out of her life. Understandably, my mom was focked up and was an alcoholic who neglected and abused me. I have suffered as an adult because of that neglect and abuse. I never asked her for an apology or even acknowledgement of what she did to me (dad was terrible, too and they enabled each other). I did, however, inquire wtf they were thinking when they hurt me. I never got an answer. They have been gone for 10+ years, but the impact of abuse lives on in me. I lack self compassion, I'm a perfectionist, I suffer anxiety and depression at times. One thing I don't do is harm my children. I've never hit, yelled, starved, named called, etc.. I've loved, nurtured, supported, helped them, cheer them on and provide love and security. If they come to me as ac with complaints, I'm going to apologize and listen and make it right with them. I value them more than my ego. I can admit mistakes. |
Anonymous
Well who else would be blamed for my parenting mistakes if not me? Just because we want our parentings to acknowledge their mistakes doesn't mean we can't own up to ours. |
Anonymous
Ugh and ugh. You sound too smug, combined with your veiled insults, to be as emotionally mature as you claim. |
Anonymous
I never actually said I was emotionally mature. I said I'm doing okay in spite of everything. But if being smug and handing out veiled insults mean somebody isn't emotionally mature, a good 95% of people on DCUM are right there with me, including you. |