What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

Exactly. Your ADULT child is upset that you behaved in a certain way: do you (a) tell them it’s all in their head and has nothing to do with you, or (b) provide some clarification if warranted, apologize for hurting them, and ask how you can do better going forward?

This is NOT hard. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated.

[Anonymous]

Asking for the apology IS a way of taking responsibility for yourself. Identifying behavior that hurt or stunted you, explaining it to the person who did it, and setting expectations about future interactions is a pretty mature thing to do. I’d be proud of my child for coming to me, especially with the help of a therapist, because it would mean they are intent on finding happiness and working on themselves instead of being totally dependent on me for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

Exactly. Your ADULT child is upset that you behaved in a certain way: do you (a) tell them it’s all in their head and has nothing to do with you, or (b) provide some clarification if warranted, apologize for hurting them, and ask how you can do better going forward?

This is NOT hard. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated.

What if it WAS all in their head? Like the op who didn’t want to change sheets at her parents’ house, or the op who was mad her parents wouldn’t pay for out-of-state college? Despite you trying to draw a distinction here, being ADULTS clearly wasn’t helping these OPs.

Do you still think the parents should apologize? Because that’s how your post reads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

Exactly. Your ADULT child is upset that you behaved in a certain way: do you (a) tell them it’s all in their head and has nothing to do with you, or (b) provide some clarification if warranted, apologize for hurting them, and ask how you can do better going forward?

This is NOT hard. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated.

What if it WAS all in their head? Like the op who didn’t want to change sheets at her parents’ house, or the op who was mad her parents wouldn’t pay for out-of-state college? Despite you trying to draw a distinction here, being ADULTS clearly wasn’t helping these OPs.

Do you still think the parents should apologize? Because that’s how your post reads.

I really don’t think you’re in a position to make those conclusions from here. You really don’t know all of the facts from those situations. If there is an example from your own life you’d like to share with sufficient detail to judge, happy to discuss.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if some day my child will be upset with me for not being controlling enough—I never seem to read any posts like that here. Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

So even when an AC’s problems are their own fault, in the end it’s down to bad parenting anyway. Which is just another form of excuse.

To repeat: your children must be monsters.

That's super mean of you to say! But I wasn't the PP you were talking to earlier; there is more than one person who disagrees with you.

I don't think you have the capability of dropping your defenses and understanding what we are saying. If you did have that capability, you wouldn't resort to calling our children monsters. Also you would notice that I said repeatedly "can," rather than talking in absolutes like you are. It seems like this might be a really emotional topic for you! You might want to do a little emotional regulation practice yourself.

Also, I talking from experience. I have one parent who was pretty good but did things that have harmful impacts, and one parent who was severely emotionally abusive and physically neglectful. People tell me all the time that they have no idea how I got through my childhood. The fact that I can see that their actions have really bad consequences for me in my life doesn't mean I'm blaming them for all my bad choices. I have a good marriage, a good career, I'm a pretty good mom, etc. in spite of everything. I have asked them to acknowledge their mistakes (which they did), but that was for the purpose of building a deeper relationship with them, not so that I can blame them for stuff. Now my sister, despite being 36 years old, has never stopped asking my parents for apologies and she continues to blame their parenting choices (that weren't even bad parenting choices) for her kind of crappy life. She should stop doing that and grow up, but nobody who knows what our childhood looks at her actions and thinks "why on earth would she be like that?"

Ugh and ugh. You sound too smug, combined with your veiled insults, to be as emotionally mature as you claim.

Dp. Pointing out that you might be reacting strongly to this thread and might want to look inside isn't a veiled insult. It is a helpful suggestion. It is encouragement to get yourself into a better place so you aren't so triggered by threads like this. Here's my 2 cents: if you are a parent who may have messed up (not saying abuse, necessarily), it is not too late to have a good relationship with your kids. If you are an ac who may be triggered by this thread because it strikes a deep chord, you can heal from your childhood. You don't have to hate or cut off your parents.

[Anonymous]

For me it's about being aware of unhealthy parenting in previous generations and learning new healthy parenting. Stay curious, not defensive. Be open to discussions with your adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

Exactly. Your ADULT child is upset that you behaved in a certain way: do you (a) tell them it’s all in their head and has nothing to do with you, or (b) provide some clarification if warranted, apologize for hurting them, and ask how you can do better going forward?

This is NOT hard. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated.

What if it WAS all in their head? Like the op who didn’t want to change sheets at her parents’ house, or the op who was mad her parents wouldn’t pay for out-of-state college? Despite you trying to draw a distinction here, being ADULTS clearly wasn’t helping these OPs.

Do you still think the parents should apologize? Because that’s how your post reads.

I really don’t think you’re in a position to make those conclusions from here. You really don’t know all of the facts from those situations. If there is an example from your own life you’d like to share with sufficient detail to judge, happy to discuss.

This is a deflection. Let’s assume the parents don’t want to pay for oos because their finances won’t support it. Do you still think they should apologize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

So even when an AC’s problems are their own fault, in the end it’s down to bad parenting anyway. Which is just another form of excuse.

To repeat: your children must be monsters.

That's super mean of you to say! But I wasn't the PP you were talking to earlier; there is more than one person who disagrees with you.

I don't think you have the capability of dropping your defenses and understanding what we are saying. If you did have that capability, you wouldn't resort to calling our children monsters. Also you would notice that I said repeatedly "can," rather than talking in absolutes like you are. It seems like this might be a really emotional topic for you! You might want to do a little emotional regulation practice yourself.

Also, I talking from experience. I have one parent who was pretty good but did things that have harmful impacts, and one parent who was severely emotionally abusive and physically neglectful. People tell me all the time that they have no idea how I got through my childhood. The fact that I can see that their actions have really bad consequences for me in my life doesn't mean I'm blaming them for all my bad choices. I have a good marriage, a good career, I'm a pretty good mom, etc. in spite of everything. I have asked them to acknowledge their mistakes (which they did), but that was for the purpose of building a deeper relationship with them, not so that I can blame them for stuff. Now my sister, despite being 36 years old, has never stopped asking my parents for apologies and she continues to blame their parenting choices (that weren't even bad parenting choices) for her kind of crappy life. She should stop doing that and grow up, but nobody who knows what our childhood looks at her actions and thinks "why on earth would she be like that?"

Ugh and ugh. You sound too smug, combined with your veiled insults, to be as emotionally mature as you claim.

Dp. Pointing out that you might be reacting strongly to this thread and might want to look inside isn't a veiled insult. It is a helpful suggestion. It is encouragement to get yourself into a better place so you aren't so triggered by threads like this. Here's my 2 cents: if you are a parent who may have messed up (not saying abuse, necessarily), it is not too late to have a good relationship with your kids. If you are an ac who may be triggered by this thread because it strikes a deep chord, you can heal from your childhood. You don't have to hate or cut off your parents.

Look, I have great relations with my kids. Both are coming back to the DC area after college and grad school, respectively, because, as they tell me, they like being around family. I talk to them every few days—not more frequently, as I did with my own parents, only because I want them to lead their own lives.

It says more about you than me that you’re imagining a long narrative about me, my parents and my kids.

I frankly find it hard to believe that you’re emotionally mature enough to raise self-reliant kids. If nothing else, you’ve turned on a fire-hose of money and your own self-effacement, with the result that your kids face absolutely no accountability for their own actions and choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

Exactly. Your ADULT child is upset that you behaved in a certain way: do you (a) tell them it’s all in their head and has nothing to do with you, or (b) provide some clarification if warranted, apologize for hurting them, and ask how you can do better going forward?

This is NOT hard. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated.

What if it WAS all in their head? Like the op who didn’t want to change sheets at her parents’ house, or the op who was mad her parents wouldn’t pay for out-of-state college? Despite you trying to draw a distinction here, being ADULTS clearly wasn’t helping these OPs.

Do you still think the parents should apologize? Because that’s how your post reads.

I really don’t think you’re in a position to make those conclusions from here. You really don’t know all of the facts from those situations. If there is an example from your own life you’d like to share with sufficient detail to judge, happy to discuss.

This is a deflection. Let’s assume the parents don’t want to pay for oos because their finances won’t support it. Do you still think they should apologize?

No it’s not. I asked for an example. The example you’re giving is not a complete example. I would need to know more, but if those are the only facts then of course not. Those are not the only facts that poster presented and I believe she already came here to tell you off for misrepresenting her post. So again, if your kid has blamed you for something that is “in their head” by all means share it with us and we can help you respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

Exactly. Your ADULT child is upset that you behaved in a certain way: do you (a) tell them it’s all in their head and has nothing to do with you, or (b) provide some clarification if warranted, apologize for hurting them, and ask how you can do better going forward?

This is NOT hard. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated.

What if it WAS all in their head? Like the op who didn’t want to change sheets at her parents’ house, or the op who was mad her parents wouldn’t pay for out-of-state college? Despite you trying to draw a distinction here, being ADULTS clearly wasn’t helping these OPs.

Do you still think the parents should apologize? Because that’s how your post reads.

I really don’t think you’re in a position to make those conclusions from here. You really don’t know all of the facts from those situations. If there is an example from your own life you’d like to share with sufficient detail to judge, happy to discuss.

This is a deflection. Let’s assume the parents don’t want to pay for oos because their finances won’t support it. Do you still think they should apologize?

No it’s not. I asked for an example. The example you’re giving is not a complete example. I would need to know more, but if those are the only facts then of course not. Those are not the only facts that poster presented and I believe she already came here to tell you off for misrepresenting her post. So again, if your kid has blamed you for something that is “in their head” by all means share it with us and we can help you respond.

I don’t remember op telling anybody off, let alone me.

My kids haven’t blamed me for anything. I’m just appalled at the self-abnegation you keep recommending, and worried about the impact on a kid whose parents absolve them of responsibility for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny how we all swear not to repeat our parents’ mistakes. And than your children grow up and blame YOU for all YOUR mistakes. Funny how that happens from one generation to the next.

Who are you talking to? My parents main mistake was never admitting that they might be wrong about anything. I haven’t repeated that, and I don’t think my kids will hate me because I wasn’t infallible. I’m showing them how to be imperfect and happy at the same time. As it turns out, it’s worked really well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

Exactly. Your ADULT child is upset that you behaved in a certain way: do you (a) tell them it’s all in their head and has nothing to do with you, or (b) provide some clarification if warranted, apologize for hurting them, and ask how you can do better going forward?

This is NOT hard. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated.

What if it WAS all in their head? Like the op who didn’t want to change sheets at her parents’ house, or the op who was mad her parents wouldn’t pay for out-of-state college? Despite you trying to draw a distinction here, being ADULTS clearly wasn’t helping these OPs.

Do you still think the parents should apologize? Because that’s how your post reads.

I really don’t think you’re in a position to make those conclusions from here. You really don’t know all of the facts from those situations. If there is an example from your own life you’d like to share with sufficient detail to judge, happy to discuss.

This is a deflection. Let’s assume the parents don’t want to pay for oos because their finances won’t support it. Do you still think they should apologize?

No it’s not. I asked for an example. The example you’re giving is not a complete example. I would need to know more, but if those are the only facts then of course not. Those are not the only facts that poster presented and I believe she already came here to tell you off for misrepresenting her post. So again, if your kid has blamed you for something that is “in their head” by all means share it with us and we can help you respond.

I don’t remember op telling anybody off, let alone me.

My kids haven’t blamed me for anything. I’m just appalled at the self-abnegation you keep recommending, and worried about the impact on a kid whose parents absolve them of responsibility for anything.

There are multiple posters disagreeing with you here.

[Anonymous]

Eh. He is an adult. Let him deal with his own problems. I would cut ties honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

Exactly. Your ADULT child is upset that you behaved in a certain way: do you (a) tell them it’s all in their head and has nothing to do with you, or (b) provide some clarification if warranted, apologize for hurting them, and ask how you can do better going forward?

This is NOT hard. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated.

What if it WAS all in their head? Like the op who didn’t want to change sheets at her parents’ house, or the op who was mad her parents wouldn’t pay for out-of-state college? Despite you trying to draw a distinction here, being ADULTS clearly wasn’t helping these OPs.

Do you still think the parents should apologize? Because that’s how your post reads.

I really don’t think you’re in a position to make those conclusions from here. You really don’t know all of the facts from those situations. If there is an example from your own life you’d like to share with sufficient detail to judge, happy to discuss.

This is a deflection. Let’s assume the parents don’t want to pay for oos because their finances won’t support it. Do you still think they should apologize?

No it’s not. I asked for an example. The example you’re giving is not a complete example. I would need to know more, but if those are the only facts then of course not. Those are not the only facts that poster presented and I believe she already came here to tell you off for misrepresenting her post. So again, if your kid has blamed you for something that is “in their head” by all means share it with us and we can help you respond.

I don’t remember op telling anybody off, let alone me.

My kids haven’t blamed me for anything. I’m just appalled at the self-abnegation you keep recommending, and worried about the impact on a kid whose parents absolve them of responsibility for anything.

Not the op of this thread. The op of the thread you were referring to with the oos school grievance. The OP of the thread was quite specific about the things her son said were hurtful to him and they do sound like things she might want to consider apologizing for, if they caused him pain. Just because you’re doing your best as a parent doesn’t mean you won’t accidentally hurt your kids or affect them in ways they will struggle with later in life—apologizing for the effects of your choices, whether or not you intended to hurt someone, is something you should have learned in kindergarten. It’s not self abnegation …unless you’re a complete narcissist.