Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I never understand these people who try to talk to their parents about their failures. You really think your mom and dad are going to change after 60+ years of life and announce “of course! we failed! thank you for showing us the light.”

Your parents failed. So have you. You were a spoiled brat at times and a sweet, misunderstood angel at others. The best thing you can do is the hard work of being a parent yourself. Forgive your wretched parents and hope that your child will do the same for you.[/quote]

Well, in my family, these discussions were attempted starting when the adult kids were in their early 20s (still young enough that this issues were very fresh, but old enough to realize that our childhood was not normal).  And by mid-30s, the children had either decided on estrangement (full or partial) or appeasement as strategies (or moving to a different continent entirely, for one sib.)  Another thing is that the relationship between parents and adult children is ongoing.  The dysfunction that happens in childhood doesn't suddenly disappear in adulthood, and that can continue to create ongoing problems.  If the parent refuses to address either the past or the present, well, there's only so much that can be done. [/quote]

(Also - children don't "fail" in the vast majority of cases.  They are children. If your position is that minor children can just be written off as difficult failures, well then, there you go.  You don't really deserve to expect much in terms of a relationship with your adult failure child.)[/quote]
Minor children do fail, because they are human beings and not blank canvases with no emotions or responsibilities. Children are routinely selfish and thoughtless and cruel. They are also innocent and sweet and marvelous and kind. In fact, we do a major disservice to children when we release them from ownership of their own actions. My kid‘s teacher just told me yesterday that her class doesn’t listen to her and that it is worse than ten years ago. I keep witnessing mothers walking behind their preschoolers, pleading with them to not destroy everything in their paths, and they somehow think the kid is going to listen to their teacher three years later?[/quote]

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