What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

Exactly. Your ADULT child is upset that you behaved in a certain way: do you (a) tell them it’s all in their head and has nothing to do with you, or (b) provide some clarification if warranted, apologize for hurting them, and ask how you can do better going forward?

This is NOT hard. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated.

What if it WAS all in their head? Like the op who didn’t want to change sheets at her parents’ house, or the op who was mad her parents wouldn’t pay for out-of-state college? Despite you trying to draw a distinction here, being ADULTS clearly wasn’t helping these OPs.

Do you still think the parents should apologize? Because that’s how your post reads.

I really don’t think you’re in a position to make those conclusions from here. You really don’t know all of the facts from those situations. If there is an example from your own life you’d like to share with sufficient detail to judge, happy to discuss.

This is a deflection. Let’s assume the parents don’t want to pay for oos because their finances won’t support it. Do you still think they should apologize?

No it’s not. I asked for an example. The example you’re giving is not a complete example. I would need to know more, but if those are the only facts then of course not. Those are not the only facts that poster presented and I believe she already came here to tell you off for misrepresenting her post. So again, if your kid has blamed you for something that is “in their head” by all means share it with us and we can help you respond.

I don’t remember op telling anybody off, let alone me.

My kids haven’t blamed me for anything. I’m just appalled at the self-abnegation you keep recommending, and worried about the impact on a kid whose parents absolve them of responsibility for anything.

There are multiple posters disagreeing with you here.

And there you have it. “Multiple posters” can’t just mean a single OP, it means it’s you aggrieved ACs who think children can do no wrong.

And it’s cute you insist there’s only one person disagreeing with you. I’m not 14:51, for example, and I’ve seen others disagreeing with you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

Exactly. Your ADULT child is upset that you behaved in a certain way: do you (a) tell them it’s all in their head and has nothing to do with you, or (b) provide some clarification if warranted, apologize for hurting them, and ask how you can do better going forward?

This is NOT hard. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated.

What if it WAS all in their head? Like the op who didn’t want to change sheets at her parents’ house, or the op who was mad her parents wouldn’t pay for out-of-state college? Despite you trying to draw a distinction here, being ADULTS clearly wasn’t helping these OPs.

Do you still think the parents should apologize? Because that’s how your post reads.

I really don’t think you’re in a position to make those conclusions from here. You really don’t know all of the facts from those situations. If there is an example from your own life you’d like to share with sufficient detail to judge, happy to discuss.

This is a deflection. Let’s assume the parents don’t want to pay for oos because their finances won’t support it. Do you still think they should apologize?

No it’s not. I asked for an example. The example you’re giving is not a complete example. I would need to know more, but if those are the only facts then of course not. Those are not the only facts that poster presented and I believe she already came here to tell you off for misrepresenting her post. So again, if your kid has blamed you for something that is “in their head” by all means share it with us and we can help you respond.

I don’t remember op telling anybody off, let alone me.

My kids haven’t blamed me for anything. I’m just appalled at the self-abnegation you keep recommending, and worried about the impact on a kid whose parents absolve them of responsibility for anything.

Not the op of this thread. The op of the thread you were referring to with the oos school grievance. The OP of the thread was quite specific about the things her son said were hurtful to him and they do sound like things she might want to consider apologizing for, if they caused him pain. Just because you’re doing your best as a parent doesn’t mean you won’t accidentally hurt your kids or affect them in ways they will struggle with later in life—apologizing for the effects of your choices, whether or not you intended to hurt someone, is something you should have learned in kindergarten. It’s not self abnegation …unless you’re a complete narcissist.

Again, we’re talking in general terms. OP’s case is sad, but it’s an anecdote in the general argument that parents apologizing for EVERYTHING is actually destructive parenting too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some day my child will be upset with me for not being controlling enough—I never seem to read any posts like that here. Interesting.

I know at least three kids—children of the 1970s—who complain their parents didn’t provide enough structure.

Your smugness is concerning, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some day my child will be upset with me for not being controlling enough—I never seem to read any posts like that here. Interesting.

I know at least three kids—children of the 1970s—who complain their parents didn’t provide enough structure.

Your smugness is concerning, too.

How do you define structure? Providing structure, the confines or boundaries in which children can learn to exercise freedom, is not the same thing as being rigid in your belief that everything you believe and do is correct. Parents can make mistakes without realizing it until later you know? That’s kind of the point of this OP’s question. What should she do? Apologize and talk with her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny how we all swear not to repeat our parents’ mistakes. And than your children grow up and blame YOU for all YOUR mistakes. Funny how that happens from one generation to the next.

Well who else would be blamed for my parenting mistakes if not me?

Just because we want our parentings to acknowledge their mistakes doesn't mean we can't own up to ours.

Do you believe they set out to hurt you? If so, don’t they deserve punishment?

[Anonymous]

OP—you can ask for forgiveness and forgive yourself. Best of luck to you and your son. The fact that he’s in therapy is a positive thing, and stuff is going to come out that you both can work through if you stay open. The most important thing is that you show him you love him and are willing to listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some day my child will be upset with me for not being controlling enough—I never seem to read any posts like that here. Interesting.

A lot of people think their parents are negligent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny how we all swear not to repeat our parents’ mistakes. And than your children grow up and blame YOU for all YOUR mistakes. Funny how that happens from one generation to the next.

Well who else would be blamed for my parenting mistakes if not me?

Just because we want our parentings to acknowledge their mistakes doesn't mean we can't own up to ours.

Do you believe they set out to hurt you? If so, don’t they deserve punishment?

Huh? No I don’t believe my parents set out to hurt me. They aren’t sociopaths. But my mom was a hoarder who was so mentally ill she couldn’t provide stability, and said really cruel things to us consistently. I was called fat, a b***h, stupid, etc. We were screamed at for everything, like falling and skinning a knee, and my siblings and I walked on eggshells hoping not to upset mom.

I bear no ill will toward my mom. I know that she loved me and did the best she could. However, it was not enough to give me what I needed. As you can imagine, I’ve had to do a lot of work on myself to overcome the challenges I have from my upbringing. This happens to a lot of kids. Perhaps not to the same degree, but a lot of parents who are trying their best are still making mistakes that will negatively impact their kids in the figure. It doesn’t require punishment, but acknowledging a mistake isn’t the same thing as punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People seem think that a parent taking accountability for mistakes made in childhood--and for their impacts into adulthood--means that the AC isn't taking responsibility for their own life. Untrue.

Asking for an apology and taking responsibility for your own life are part of two totally separate realms of well-being. Asking for the apology is a way of healing the relationship; taking responsibility for your own life is, well, for everything else.

Yes an AC can try to make excuses for their life by saying "my mom was mean to me," but, honestly, that can also be because of bad parenting. As a parent you have to (try) to teach and model distress tolerance, emotional regulation, hard work, etc. And if you don't do that, don't be surprised when your kid has poor emotional intelligence.

So even when an AC’s problems are their own fault, in the end it’s down to bad parenting anyway. Which is just another form of excuse.

To repeat: your children must be monsters.

That's super mean of you to say! But I wasn't the PP you were talking to earlier; there is more than one person who disagrees with you.

I don't think you have the capability of dropping your defenses and understanding what we are saying. If you did have that capability, you wouldn't resort to calling our children monsters. Also you would notice that I said repeatedly "can," rather than talking in absolutes like you are. It seems like this might be a really emotional topic for you! You might want to do a little emotional regulation practice yourself.

Also, I talking from experience. I have one parent who was pretty good but did things that have harmful impacts, and one parent who was severely emotionally abusive and physically neglectful. People tell me all the time that they have no idea how I got through my childhood. The fact that I can see that their actions have really bad consequences for me in my life doesn't mean I'm blaming them for all my bad choices. I have a good marriage, a good career, I'm a pretty good mom, etc. in spite of everything. I have asked them to acknowledge their mistakes (which they did), but that was for the purpose of building a deeper relationship with them, not so that I can blame them for stuff. Now my sister, despite being 36 years old, has never stopped asking my parents for apologies and she continues to blame their parenting choices (that weren't even bad parenting choices) for her kind of crappy life. She should stop doing that and grow up, but nobody who knows what our childhood looks at her actions and thinks "why on earth would she be like that?"

Ugh and ugh. You sound too smug, combined with your veiled insults, to be as emotionally mature as you claim.

Dp. Pointing out that you might be reacting strongly to this thread and might want to look inside isn't a veiled insult. It is a helpful suggestion. It is encouragement to get yourself into a better place so you aren't so triggered by threads like this. Here's my 2 cents: if you are a parent who may have messed up (not saying abuse, necessarily), it is not too late to have a good relationship with your kids. If you are an ac who may be triggered by this thread because it strikes a deep chord, you can heal from your childhood. You don't have to hate or cut off your parents.

Look, I have great relations with my kids. Both are coming back to the DC area after college and grad school, respectively, because, as they tell me, they like being around family. I talk to them every few days—not more frequently, as I did with my own parents, only because I want them to lead their own lives.

It says more about you than me that you’re imagining a long narrative about me, my parents and my kids.

I frankly find it hard to believe that you’re emotionally mature enough to raise self-reliant kids. If nothing else, you’ve turned on a fire-hose of money and your own self-effacement, with the result that your kids face absolutely no accountability for their own actions and choices.

I don’t think you read PP’s comment carefully. Go back and try again. She is actually being very reasonable and seeing both sides.

I also have no idea what you’re saying in your second paragraph. You think PP turned on a firehouse of money? Where is that coming from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Validate, Validate, Validate. Perception is reality and you need to validate their feelings even if you disagree. You can note that your intent was never to hurt them but say how sorry you are and validate their pain. When my mother did this it saved our strained relationship and I no longer have angry feelings about her using me as a weapon in her divorce 30 years ago.

So validate, validate, and validate.

This doesn't work whatever the situation.
(1) "I'm sorry you feel bad" is transparent and just makes the recipient mad. It reads as, "yes, I made you mad, and what I'm sorry about is that you're mad, but I'm not sorry about what I did." My mom used to say this all the time.
(2) If the hurt is based on the AC's misperception, abasing yourself and agreeing to it helps nobody. The parent eventually builds up anger and the AC has no opportunity to understand or grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Validate, Validate, Validate. Perception is reality and you need to validate their feelings even if you disagree. You can note that your intent was never to hurt them but say how sorry you are and validate their pain. When my mother did this it saved our strained relationship and I no longer have angry feelings about her using me as a weapon in her divorce 30 years ago.

So validate, validate, and validate.

This doesn't work whatever the situation.
(1) "I'm sorry you feel bad" is transparent and just makes the recipient mad. It reads as, "yes, I made you mad, and what I'm sorry about is that you're mad, but I'm not sorry about what I did." My mom used to say this all the time.
(2) If the hurt is based on the AC's misperception, abasing yourself and agreeing to it helps nobody. The parent eventually builds up anger and the AC has no opportunity to understand or grow.

You are twisting what pp said and making assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Validate, Validate, Validate. Perception is reality and you need to validate their feelings even if you disagree. You can note that your intent was never to hurt them but say how sorry you are and validate their pain. When my mother did this it saved our strained relationship and I no longer have angry feelings about her using me as a weapon in her divorce 30 years ago.

So validate, validate, and validate.

This doesn't work whatever the situation.
(1) "I'm sorry you feel bad" is transparent and just makes the recipient mad. It reads as, "yes, I made you mad, and what I'm sorry about is that you're mad, but I'm not sorry about what I did." My mom used to say this all the time.
(2) If the hurt is based on the AC's misperception, abasing yourself and agreeing to it helps nobody. The parent eventually builds up anger and the AC has no opportunity to understand or grow.

You are twisting what pp said and making assumptions.

That really doesn't seem true. PP wrote, "you need to validate their feelings even if you disagree." How else can this be interpreted?