What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

[Anonymous]

Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

[Anonymous]

Appoliguze and tell them they will be able to find a way to move forward

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

I am very sorry, but it certainly wasn't intentional to harm him.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me too. I was the one who sent my kid to therapy when she was sad. Of course, I felt furious BUT I realized that whatever my kid was feeling was the way she internalized her issues.

Once I apologized to her (in front of her therapist), cried and told her that I will be hands-off to her going forward....then the onus was on the therapist and her to resolve her issues.

I found that DD was now in charge of her decisions and could not blame me any longer and it was freeing. The therapist was also responsible in giving her guidance and to keep her responsible. . And the best part is that the therapist would say the same things that I used to say. After a few years, my DD came back to me telling me how great of a parent I was and how lucky she was to be raised by us, and the therapist is also full of praise for us. LOL

Let this go, OP. Tell them you are sorry and that you will be hands-off. When they are spiralling, insist they talk to the therapist. When you remove yourself from telling them what to do, your kids do not have you to blame for their laziness, inaction, disorganization, complacency, failures. And they wake up and do the right thing.

Don't let your feelings distract yourself from the real issue - you want your kids to do well and thrive. Once they are in the right path, they will be very thankful to you. You just let it go.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a narcissist.

Yep. “Oh poor me”.

[Anonymous]

Is he wrong?

[Anonymous]

Tell them to keep working until they realize that whatever you did or didn’t do, scapegoating you is at best an excuse for not accepting adulthood and taking responsibility for building the life and character they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

I am very sorry, but it certainly wasn't intentional to harm him.

Apologies don't have qualifications. "I am very sorry" is all that is needed. Keep the rest to yourself.

[Anonymous]

It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

I am very sorry, but it certainly wasn't intentional to harm him.

Apologies don't have qualifications. "I am very sorry" is all that is needed. Keep the rest to yourself.

"I'm sorry. I did the best I could." Which is true!

Look, we parents can do the best we can and we can still screw our kids up. Both parties can be right. Your child can lay this stuff at your feet, but really both of you need to be exchanging feelings-- the adult child that they are hurting and want to solve issues from the past and the parent that they are people too, with feelings, stressors and real life that affected how they parented and how they feel today.