What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

+1

You choose to have children, you choose ALL the consequences, good and bad. If I’ve learned anything in 51 years I’ve learned that a great many people have zero positive parenting skills without learning them in a structured way, and many people are willing to learn to diaper, feed, clean etc. properly but it never occurs to them to learn anything about the care and feeding of a developing human brain - the part of your child that matters SO MUCH MORE than feeding and cleaning the body that houses their brain. If fact, most people are so full of opinions about correct parenting they are not even open to the suggestions of medical professionals or psychological professionals about those issues, and are instead determined to pass on the intergenerational dysfunction of their own experiences being parented.

Most parents hurt their children in some fashion while raising them, and many parents hurt them profoundly. Most likely the majority of those parents mean well, and have spent oodles of money getting the baby in the first place and acquiring all the physical stuff necessary to give baby a good start. With all the industry around children and childrearing it’s almost funny that we still behave as a society as though the parenting instinct is innate and all that’s really required to succeed in the endeavor. And yet all around us is the evidence of widespread failure yet we plod on as we have always done without any organized effort to rescue children. We go after the obvious cases of physical neglect and abuse and leave aside the millions of cases of psychologically traumatizing parenting.

I almost believe that the core flaw in our species is that our brains have gotten too big, too complex and our innate parenting skills remain limited to those which in most cases ensure the survival of the offspring without promoting the psychological thriving of the offspring. We have so far to go in that regard.

[Anonymous]

It has never occured to me to blame my parents for any of my issues or mistakes that I have made. My family had some major crazy moments, parents who drank too much, fights, etc. They didn't get too involved in our lives- for instance, I never did team sports in H.S. because I couldn't get rides (and my mother didn't work). My sister somehow had friends parents that would drive her and my parents would watch ONE game per season. None of us blame our parents on any of the issues we've had and we all love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

+1

You choose to have children, you choose ALL the consequences, good and bad. If I’ve learned anything in 51 years I’ve learned that a great many people have zero positive parenting skills without learning them in a structured way, and many people are willing to learn to diaper, feed, clean etc. properly but it never occurs to them to learn anything about the care and feeding of a developing human brain - the part of your child that matters SO MUCH MORE than feeding and cleaning the body that houses their brain. If fact, most people are so full of opinions about correct parenting they are not even open to the suggestions of medical professionals or psychological professionals about those issues, and are instead determined to pass on the intergenerational dysfunction of their own experiences being parented.

Most parents hurt their children in some fashion while raising them, and many parents hurt them profoundly. Most likely the majority of those parents mean well, and have spent oodles of money getting the baby in the first place and acquiring all the physical stuff necessary to give baby a good start. With all the industry around children and childrearing it’s almost funny that we still behave as a society as though the parenting instinct is innate and all that’s really required to succeed in the endeavor. And yet all around us is the evidence of widespread failure yet we plod on as we have always done without any organized effort to rescue children. We go after the obvious cases of physical neglect and abuse and leave aside the millions of cases of psychologically traumatizing parenting.

I almost believe that the core flaw in our species is that our brains have gotten too big, too complex and our innate parenting skills remain limited to those which in most cases ensure the survival of the offspring without promoting the psychological thriving of the offspring. We have so far to go in that regard.

Lots of *applause* here, could not agree more. Your post is like a cleansing rain falling from the sky. I think people in this thread could be divided into the defensive survivalists (did the best I could/oh well/ it's the kid's problem now) and the more enlightened ones, some of them enlightened by education and others by harsh experience. Thanks for posting, you're a genius.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

+1

You choose to have children, you choose ALL the consequences, good and bad. If I’ve learned anything in 51 years I’ve learned that a great many people have zero positive parenting skills without learning them in a structured way, and many people are willing to learn to diaper, feed, clean etc. properly but it never occurs to them to learn anything about the care and feeding of a developing human brain - the part of your child that matters SO MUCH MORE than feeding and cleaning the body that houses their brain. If fact, most people are so full of opinions about correct parenting they are not even open to the suggestions of medical professionals or psychological professionals about those issues, and are instead determined to pass on the intergenerational dysfunction of their own experiences being parented.

Most parents hurt their children in some fashion while raising them, and many parents hurt them profoundly. Most likely the majority of those parents mean well, and have spent oodles of money getting the baby in the first place and acquiring all the physical stuff necessary to give baby a good start. With all the industry around children and childrearing it’s almost funny that we still behave as a society as though the parenting instinct is innate and all that’s really required to succeed in the endeavor. And yet all around us is the evidence of widespread failure yet we plod on as we have always done without any organized effort to rescue children. We go after the obvious cases of physical neglect and abuse and leave aside the millions of cases of psychologically traumatizing parenting.

I almost believe that the core flaw in our species is that our brains have gotten too big, too complex and our innate parenting skills remain limited to those which in most cases ensure the survival of the offspring without promoting the psychological thriving of the offspring. We have so far to go in that regard.

How many kids have you raised? I'm betting zero. You are an armchair quarterback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

+1

You choose to have children, you choose ALL the consequences, good and bad. If I’ve learned anything in 51 years I’ve learned that a great many people have zero positive parenting skills without learning them in a structured way, and many people are willing to learn to diaper, feed, clean etc. properly but it never occurs to them to learn anything about the care and feeding of a developing human brain - the part of your child that matters SO MUCH MORE than feeding and cleaning the body that houses their brain. If fact, most people are so full of opinions about correct parenting they are not even open to the suggestions of medical professionals or psychological professionals about those issues, and are instead determined to pass on the intergenerational dysfunction of their own experiences being parented.

Most parents hurt their children in some fashion while raising them, and many parents hurt them profoundly. Most likely the majority of those parents mean well, and have spent oodles of money getting the baby in the first place and acquiring all the physical stuff necessary to give baby a good start. With all the industry around children and childrearing it’s almost funny that we still behave as a society as though the parenting instinct is innate and all that’s really required to succeed in the endeavor. And yet all around us is the evidence of widespread failure yet we plod on as we have always done without any organized effort to rescue children. We go after the obvious cases of physical neglect and abuse and leave aside the millions of cases of psychologically traumatizing parenting.

I almost believe that the core flaw in our species is that our brains have gotten too big, too complex and our innate parenting skills remain limited to those which in most cases ensure the survival of the offspring without promoting the psychological thriving of the offspring. We have so far to go in that regard.

Lots of *applause* here, could not agree more. Your post is like a cleansing rain falling from the sky. I think people in this thread could be divided into the defensive survivalists (did the best I could/oh well/ it's the kid's problem now) and the more enlightened ones, some of them enlightened by education and others by harsh experience. Thanks for posting, you're a genius.

Many of these issues start to surface in the teen years, and there have been some really insightful posts there about how we are willing to push ourselves physically and financially for our children, but not emotionally. There have been a couple posts in the tween/teen group that have really shifted my thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

+1

You choose to have children, you choose ALL the consequences, good and bad. If I’ve learned anything in 51 years I’ve learned that a great many people have zero positive parenting skills without learning them in a structured way, and many people are willing to learn to diaper, feed, clean etc. properly but it never occurs to them to learn anything about the care and feeding of a developing human brain - the part of your child that matters SO MUCH MORE than feeding and cleaning the body that houses their brain. If fact, most people are so full of opinions about correct parenting they are not even open to the suggestions of medical professionals or psychological professionals about those issues, and are instead determined to pass on the intergenerational dysfunction of their own experiences being parented.

Most parents hurt their children in some fashion while raising them, and many parents hurt them profoundly. Most likely the majority of those parents mean well, and have spent oodles of money getting the baby in the first place and acquiring all the physical stuff necessary to give baby a good start. With all the industry around children and childrearing it’s almost funny that we still behave as a society as though the parenting instinct is innate and all that’s really required to succeed in the endeavor. And yet all around us is the evidence of widespread failure yet we plod on as we have always done without any organized effort to rescue children. We go after the obvious cases of physical neglect and abuse and leave aside the millions of cases of psychologically traumatizing parenting.

I almost believe that the core flaw in our species is that our brains have gotten too big, too complex and our innate parenting skills remain limited to those which in most cases ensure the survival of the offspring without promoting the psychological thriving of the offspring. We have so far to go in that regard.

How many kids have you raised? I'm betting zero. You are an armchair quarterback.

It’s funny and sad that you say stuff like this. I bet you even think you’ve made this “gotcha,” when all you’ve done is shown us how emotionally immature you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but what about the other parent.

What do these children railing on one parent have to say about the other one? Divorced or not.

The other parent is a parent, an opp to be a positive influence. Not neglectful, not ignorant, not laid back, not silent all the time. Not making the other parent have to over compensate for their lack of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. Living on this planet is traumatic. Simply existing will lead to some degree of long-term emotional discomfort. Life, and people, and everything...is messy. No one gets out unscathed.

Does parenting contribute? Sure because everything does. But parents are the easiest source to identify and try to hold accountable, so we get a hugely disproportionate amount of the blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This. It’s not even healthy to blame your parents for everything, because it prevents you from fixing the problems in your own life that are in your power to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you comment on this thread please list how many kids you have raised. And their ages so we can understand your experience or lack of it.

Five kids. 32 (married with a child), 29 (married with a child), 27 (single), 25 (engaged), 20 (in college). Great relationships with all five. Two of them are in therapy. One is a military officer with PTSD. The other has struggled with anxiety and an eating disorder.

I posted earlier that I would apologize for anything I might have done to contribute to their hurt. And I would remind them over and over again that I love them unconditionally and that nothing could ever change that.

I was certainly far from a perfect parent. I did the best I could with the knowledge and experience I had at the time. I made mistakes along the way, of course. I would openly acknowledge any hurt I caused and apologize. I would also ask what I could do to help in the healing process.

OHMYGOD

My mother did this. "I apologize for everything I ever did your entire life that might have hurt you". Then later when I told her I'm queer and the horrible things she said to me about being LGBT didn't count because she apologized for every single thing that she's ever done in her entire life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you comment on this thread please list how many kids you have raised. And their ages so we can understand your experience or lack of it.

Five kids. 32 (married with a child), 29 (married with a child), 27 (single), 25 (engaged), 20 (in college). Great relationships with all five. Two of them are in therapy. One is a military officer with PTSD. The other has struggled with anxiety and an eating disorder.

I posted earlier that I would apologize for anything I might have done to contribute to their hurt. And I would remind them over and over again that I love them unconditionally and that nothing could ever change that.

I was certainly far from a perfect parent. I did the best I could with the knowledge and experience I had at the time. I made mistakes along the way, of course. I would openly acknowledge any hurt I caused and apologize. I would also ask what I could do to help in the healing process.

OHMYGOD

My mother did this. "I apologize for everything I ever did your entire life that might have hurt you". Then later when I told her I'm queer and the horrible things she said to me about being LGBT didn't count because she apologized for every single thing that she's ever done in her entire life.

Ah, the mea culpa. Simply throw a blanket apology over everything to stop any meaningful discussions about the adult child's feelings, questions and concerns. My fil did this when my dh came to him with questions about his childhood. His exact words were (in a loud, emotional voice), "ok! I was a terrible parent, I'm sorry I ruined your life!" Dh never followed up for fear of upsetting his father even more. When fil died, they were essentially estranged.

[Anonymous]

So OP, how religious was your household when your kids were growing up? Did you in fact force it upon them, including homeschooling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.