What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.

Just remember that your own kids are watching how you treat your parents and they will think it's pretty normal to cut ties with you one day.

If I treated my kid like my parents treated me, I would want him to cut ties. As he gets older I fully expect to give him more details about the family so he will understand.

But nice - so you both think that parents can treat their children however they want, and that children have a duty to their parents? Sorry, no, does not work that way.

You are already harming your kid by keeping his grandparents from him. So when he is an adult and they are passed, he will ask you 'Why didn't you let me see my grandparents?' I wish I had grandparents like my friends. See how that works? You are all about you and not thinking about what you are doing to your kid.

They aren't like other grandparents, though, which is the point. My in laws refused to not smoke inside their house when we came to visit with our babies. They were offended when we asked to open a window. They wouldn't come to our house because they weren't allowed to smoke. They chose cigarettes over their grandkids. They were in a power struggle of their own making. We just wanted our kids to know their grandparents, they just wanted to blow smoke in their faces. Wtf is up with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.

Just remember that your own kids are watching how you treat your parents and they will think it's pretty normal to cut ties with you one day.

If I treated my kid like my parents treated me, I would want him to cut ties. As he gets older I fully expect to give him more details about the family so he will understand.

But nice - so you both think that parents can treat their children however they want, and that children have a duty to their parents? Sorry, no, does not work that way.

You are already harming your kid by keeping his grandparents from him. So when he is an adult and they are passed, he will ask you 'Why didn't you let me see my grandparents?' I wish I had grandparents like my friends. See how that works? You are all about you and not thinking about what you are doing to your kid.

They aren't like other grandparents, though, which is the point. My in laws refused to not smoke inside their house when we came to visit with our babies. They were offended when we asked to open a window. They wouldn't come to our house because they weren't allowed to smoke. They chose cigarettes over their grandkids. They were in a power struggle of their own making. We just wanted our kids to know their grandparents, they just wanted to blow smoke in their faces. Wtf is up with that?

The smoke is avoidable by meeting up outside. My parents were cigarette fiends too, they were completely addicted. Kids made them nervous, so they needed the cigs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.

Just remember that your own kids are watching how you treat your parents and they will think it's pretty normal to cut ties with you one day.

If I treated my kid like my parents treated me, I would want him to cut ties. As he gets older I fully expect to give him more details about the family so he will understand.

But nice - so you both think that parents can treat their children however they want, and that children have a duty to their parents? Sorry, no, does not work that way.

You are already harming your kid by keeping his grandparents from him. So when he is an adult and they are passed, he will ask you 'Why didn't you let me see my grandparents?' I wish I had grandparents like my friends. See how that works? You are all about you and not thinking about what you are doing to your kid.

They aren't like other grandparents, though, which is the point. My in laws refused to not smoke inside their house when we came to visit with our babies. They were offended when we asked to open a window. They wouldn't come to our house because they weren't allowed to smoke. They chose cigarettes over their grandkids. They were in a power struggle of their own making. We just wanted our kids to know their grandparents, they just wanted to blow smoke in their faces. Wtf is up with that?

The smoke is avoidable by meeting up outside. My parents were cigarette fiends too, they were completely addicted. Kids made them nervous, so they needed the cigs.

They had a need to be in control (aka power struggle). Our choices were to come to their house with our young kids where they would smoke indoors with the windows closed or don't come over. They would not come to our house, nor would they meet outside or anywhere else. This is a true story. They chose cigarettes over us and our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

An adult who recognizes their parent was doing the best they could for their child at the time. An adult who accepts responsibility for making their own life choices that got them to where they are at 30. Most parents raise their children in their own religion at least until they are 18/an adult and start making religious decisions. There's nothing wrong with home schooling and once you turn 18 you can decide how you want to learn. An adult who recognizes their parents are humans and human interactions are complicated and their parents may not always portray ideal communication with each other. The 30year old needs to grow up and take responsibility for their current lot in life.

+100 An mature adult child owns their life choices and their issues. At some point, they stop running back to mommy and daddy with their problems.

This is true. And in my case, being a mature adult meant cutting my parents out of my life. If that's your goal for your relationship with your adult children, congrats, you are on track.

Just remember that your own kids are watching how you treat your parents and they will think it's pretty normal to cut ties with you one day.

If I treated my kid like my parents treated me, I would want him to cut ties. As he gets older I fully expect to give him more details about the family so he will understand.

But nice - so you both think that parents can treat their children however they want, and that children have a duty to their parents? Sorry, no, does not work that way.

I'm just saying that your kid is watching and learning how you interact or don't interact with your parents. They will do as you do. If you don't believe it just wait.

Your rigidity is really sad. You may be able to force your minor children to do things “because I said so and I’m the mom,” but does not work for adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:nah, no one needs crummy grandparents. you guys are trolls. just clean up your act and be decent to your adult children are.

they’re terrified because they are realizing that the consequences of being shitty parents is that they won’t have access to their grandkids.

My son has met my dad. But I’m amused to be hectored about how I have some kind of duty to preserve family bonds with someone who disinherited me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understand these people who try to talk to their parents about their failures. You really think your mom and dad are going to change after 60+ years of life and announce “of course! we failed! thank you for showing us the light.”

Your parents failed. So have you. You were a spoiled brat at times and a sweet, misunderstood angel at others. The best thing you can do is the hard work of being a parent yourself. Forgive your wretched parents and hope that your child will do the same for you.

Well, in my family, these discussions were attempted starting when the adult kids were in their early 20s (still young enough that this issues were very fresh, but old enough to realize that our childhood was not normal). And by mid-30s, the children had either decided on estrangement (full or partial) or appeasement as strategies (or moving to a different continent entirely, for one sib.) Another thing is that the relationship between parents and adult children is ongoing. The dysfunction that happens in childhood doesn't suddenly disappear in adulthood, and that can continue to create ongoing problems. If the parent refuses to address either the past or the present, well, there's only so much that can be done.

(Also - children don't "fail" in the vast majority of cases. They are children. If your position is that minor children can just be written off as difficult failures, well then, there you go. You don't really deserve to expect much in terms of a relationship with your adult failure child.)

Minor children do fail, because they are human beings and not blank canvases with no emotions or responsibilities. Children are routinely selfish and thoughtless and cruel. They are also innocent and sweet and marvelous and kind. In fact, we do a major disservice to children when we release them from ownership of their own actions. My kid‘s teacher just told me yesterday that her class doesn’t listen to her and that it is worse than ten years ago. I keep witnessing mothers walking behind their preschoolers, pleading with them to not destroy everything in their paths, and they somehow think the kid is going to listen to their teacher three years later?

Minor children don’t “fail” in a way that changes the parent’s responsibilities to them fundamentally. It’s not like a relationship with a spouse or friend where they can “fail you” and therefore justify your ill treatment in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:nah, no one needs crummy grandparents. you guys are trolls. just clean up your act and be decent to your adult children are.

they’re terrified because they are realizing that the consequences of being shitty parents is that they won’t have access to their grandkids.

My son has met my dad. But I’m amused to be hectored about how I have some kind of duty to preserve family bonds with someone who disinherited me.

Exactly this. My own parents are making a minimal effort to have a relationship and be conciliatory after we told them that no, they don’t get to visit this summer and see us or their grandkids. I won’t have my children subjected to bigotry, intolerance, or toxicity.

We aren’t even on speaking terms and they sent a GD email telling us when they would be visiting and that they’d stay at a hotel near our home and will come to our house and visit daily. Like, no, this isn’t how this works. What kind of narcissistic person thinks they can go from not speaking to their children for months and every time they did talk it was horrible to we are deciding we are visiting? Like it’s some right of an American grandparent to see their grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:nah, no one needs crummy grandparents. you guys are trolls. just clean up your act and be decent to your adult children are.

they’re terrified because they are realizing that the consequences of being shitty parents is that they won’t have access to their grandkids.

My son has met my dad. But I’m amused to be hectored about how I have some kind of duty to preserve family bonds with someone who disinherited me.

Exactly this. My own parents are making a minimal effort to have a relationship and be conciliatory after we told them that no, they don’t get to visit this summer and see us or their grandkids. I won’t have my children subjected to bigotry, intolerance, or toxicity.

We aren’t even on speaking terms and they sent a GD email telling us when they would be visiting and that they’d stay at a hotel near our home and will come to our house and visit daily. Like, no, this isn’t how this works. What kind of narcissistic person thinks they can go from not speaking to their children for months and every time they did talk it was horrible to we are deciding we are visiting? Like it’s some right of an American grandparent to see their grandchildren?

The bigotry in your eyes were how the world was when your parents were young though. They are bad parents in your eyes because society changed, people’s view changed.

What you believe is good parenting today might not be what your children’s generation think. It’s not entirely impossible that one day they may think you are a bigot and a shitty parent too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:nah, no one needs crummy grandparents. you guys are trolls. just clean up your act and be decent to your adult children are.

they’re terrified because they are realizing that the consequences of being shitty parents is that they won’t have access to their grandkids.

My son has met my dad. But I’m amused to be hectored about how I have some kind of duty to preserve family bonds with someone who disinherited me.

Exactly this. My own parents are making a minimal effort to have a relationship and be conciliatory after we told them that no, they don’t get to visit this summer and see us or their grandkids. I won’t have my children subjected to bigotry, intolerance, or toxicity.

We aren’t even on speaking terms and they sent a GD email telling us when they would be visiting and that they’d stay at a hotel near our home and will come to our house and visit daily. Like, no, this isn’t how this works. What kind of narcissistic person thinks they can go from not speaking to their children for months and every time they did talk it was horrible to we are deciding we are visiting? Like it’s some right of an American grandparent to see their grandchildren?

The bigotry in your eyes were how the world was when your parents were young though. They are bad parents in your eyes because society changed, people’s view changed.

What you believe is good parenting today might not be what your children’s generation think. It’s not entirely impossible that one day they may think you are a bigot and a shitty parent too.

PP is talking particulars; you are talking generalities. Which makes me think you believe that children always owe parents something no matter how the parents treat them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:nah, no one needs crummy grandparents. you guys are trolls. just clean up your act and be decent to your adult children are.

they’re terrified because they are realizing that the consequences of being shitty parents is that they won’t have access to their grandkids.

My son has met my dad. But I’m amused to be hectored about how I have some kind of duty to preserve family bonds with someone who disinherited me.

Exactly this. My own parents are making a minimal effort to have a relationship and be conciliatory after we told them that no, they don’t get to visit this summer and see us or their grandkids. I won’t have my children subjected to bigotry, intolerance, or toxicity.

We aren’t even on speaking terms and they sent a GD email telling us when they would be visiting and that they’d stay at a hotel near our home and will come to our house and visit daily. Like, no, this isn’t how this works. What kind of narcissistic person thinks they can go from not speaking to their children for months and every time they did talk it was horrible to we are deciding we are visiting? Like it’s some right of an American grandparent to see their grandchildren?

You are looking fairly intolerant yourself. BTW your kids still want to see their grandparents and when they grow up, they will ask why you didn't let them see the grands. You are using your kids as pawn in your political battle.

[Anonymous]

I am asian. Reading this post makes very sad. This cultural is certainly not very kind to old people. When you guys talk about diversity and inclusion, you only mean lgbt and minority. You don’t extent the same curtesy to old generation, and what they once believed. You don’t stop to think twice that was actually your own history. When you talk about love you the way you are, you don’t really think you should love your parent the way they are. Isn’t it kind of hypocritical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:nah, no one needs crummy grandparents. you guys are trolls. just clean up your act and be decent to your adult children are.

they’re terrified because they are realizing that the consequences of being shitty parents is that they won’t have access to their grandkids.

My son has met my dad. But I’m amused to be hectored about how I have some kind of duty to preserve family bonds with someone who disinherited me.

Exactly this. My own parents are making a minimal effort to have a relationship and be conciliatory after we told them that no, they don’t get to visit this summer and see us or their grandkids. I won’t have my children subjected to bigotry, intolerance, or toxicity.

We aren’t even on speaking terms and they sent a GD email telling us when they would be visiting and that they’d stay at a hotel near our home and will come to our house and visit daily. Like, no, this isn’t how this works. What kind of narcissistic person thinks they can go from not speaking to their children for months and every time they did talk it was horrible to we are deciding we are visiting? Like it’s some right of an American grandparent to see their grandchildren?

You are looking fairly intolerant yourself. BTW your kids still want to see their grandparents and when they grow up, they will ask why you didn't let them see the grands. You are using your kids as pawn in your political battle.

And what are the grandparents doing?

Hectoring only works when you have actual power over somebody. You’re going to have to come up with a better approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:nah, no one needs crummy grandparents. you guys are trolls. just clean up your act and be decent to your adult children are.

they’re terrified because they are realizing that the consequences of being shitty parents is that they won’t have access to their grandkids.

My son has met my dad. But I’m amused to be hectored about how I have some kind of duty to preserve family bonds with someone who disinherited me.

Exactly this. My own parents are making a minimal effort to have a relationship and be conciliatory after we told them that no, they don’t get to visit this summer and see us or their grandkids. I won’t have my children subjected to bigotry, intolerance, or toxicity.

We aren’t even on speaking terms and they sent a GD email telling us when they would be visiting and that they’d stay at a hotel near our home and will come to our house and visit daily. Like, no, this isn’t how this works. What kind of narcissistic person thinks they can go from not speaking to their children for months and every time they did talk it was horrible to we are deciding we are visiting? Like it’s some right of an American grandparent to see their grandchildren?

You are looking fairly intolerant yourself. BTW your kids still want to see their grandparents and when they grow up, they will ask why you didn't let them see the grands. You are using your kids as pawn in your political battle.

You're wrong. It's bigotry when someone says that every LGBTQ person has a mental illness or that it's a choice because it's a 'sin' and god wouldn't make them that way. It's bigotry when they want to teach my children that white people should not be in relationships with black people. It's bigotry when they think that anyone not in the same religion as them is going to hell forever and ever. It's bigotry when they say that gay people shouldn't receive treatment for HIV. None of those beliefs are my beliefs and I will not subject my children to bigoted people just because they're the grandparents. They have no right to see my kids nor do they have any god given right to continue spreading bigotry down to later generations just because they were taught that way and choose not to re-evaluate their beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am asian. Reading this post makes very sad. This cultural is certainly not very kind to old people. When you guys talk about diversity and inclusion, you only mean lgbt and minority. You don’t extent the same curtesy to old generation, and what they once believed. You don’t stop to think twice that was actually your own history. When you talk about love you the way you are, you don’t really think you should love your parent the way they are. Isn’t it kind of hypocritical?

I think you need to read the whole post. And no, I do not think it is hypocritical for children to have different standards for parents than vice versa. They are not symmetrical relationships. FWIW I know several Asian people who cut off their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

+1

You choose to have children, you choose ALL the consequences, good and bad. If I’ve learned anything in 51 years I’ve learned that a great many people have zero positive parenting skills without learning them in a structured way, and many people are willing to learn to diaper, feed, clean etc. properly but it never occurs to them to learn anything about the care and feeding of a developing human brain - the part of your child that matters SO MUCH MORE than feeding and cleaning the body that houses their brain. If fact, most people are so full of opinions about correct parenting they are not even open to the suggestions of medical professionals or psychological professionals about those issues, and are instead determined to pass on the intergenerational dysfunction of their own experiences being parented.

Most parents hurt their children in some fashion while raising them, and many parents hurt them profoundly. Most likely the majority of those parents mean well, and have spent oodles of money getting the baby in the first place and acquiring all the physical stuff necessary to give baby a good start. With all the industry around children and childrearing it’s almost funny that we still behave as a society as though the parenting instinct is innate and all that’s really required to succeed in the endeavor. And yet all around us is the evidence of widespread failure yet we plod on as we have always done without any organized effort to rescue children. We go after the obvious cases of physical neglect and abuse and leave aside the millions of cases of psychologically traumatizing parenting.

I almost believe that the core flaw in our species is that our brains have gotten too big, too complex and our innate parenting skills remain limited to those which in most cases ensure the survival of the offspring without promoting the psychological thriving of the offspring. We have so far to go in that regard.

How many kids have you raised? I'm betting zero. You are an armchair quarterback.

It’s funny and sad that you say stuff like this. I bet you even think you’ve made this “gotcha,” when all you’ve done is shown us how emotionally immature you are.

NP. I am curious about the answer to the question, though. It’s a reasonable question even if phrased in a dumb way.