What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

I am very sorry, but it certainly wasn't intentional to harm him.

Apologies don't have qualifications. "I am very sorry" is all that is needed. Keep the rest to yourself.

"I'm sorry. I did the best I could." Which is true!

Look, we parents can do the best we can and we can still screw our kids up. Both parties can be right. Your child can lay this stuff at your feet, but really both of you need to be exchanging feelings-- the adult child that they are hurting and want to solve issues from the past and the parent that they are people too, with feelings, stressors and real life that affected how they parented and how they feel today.

That's the thing though, nope. Children are not responsible for their parent's feelings and experiences. Both parties may be right, but this isn't something you put on your children, adult or not. And in the case of OP, it doesn't really sound like they did the best they could. It sounds like they isolated their child in a toxic environment, and now are dealing with the consequences and want to blame anyone but themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

I am very sorry, but it certainly wasn't intentional to harm him.

Apologies don't have qualifications. "I am very sorry" is all that is needed. Keep the rest to yourself.

"I'm sorry. I did the best I could." Which is true!

Look, we parents can do the best we can and we can still screw our kids up. Both parties can be right. Your child can lay this stuff at your feet, but really both of you need to be exchanging feelings-- the adult child that they are hurting and want to solve issues from the past and the parent that they are people too, with feelings, stressors and real life that affected how they parented and how they feel today.

Yes. I think blaming parents comes from two places- trying to really see the kid they once were and treat that kid's hurt with compassion and understanding, and still seeing parents a bit like superheroes who shouldn't have flaws. They are trying to treat themselves with gentleness. They can't yet look at their parents as flawed and hurt people too. Maybe they never will, maybe some parents have done things that can never be excused, but all parents can do is realize they're not there, and show up and listen as best they can.

[Anonymous]

I hope we can all work on acknowledging that sometimes being imperfect (in this role, as a mother) means causing problems for someone else.

I think discussing your ideas, yours motivations and then also acknowledging that you can see NOW how those choices were right for you, but maybe not for him. Apologize for that and encourage him to continue to get to know himself and take ownership in his own life.

Our parents are formative and pivotal. Part of being an adult is really seeing their fallacies. It's a vulnerable time, for sure. But pretending you had no fallacies is the rub. We all do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Not DH (Freudian slip) meant DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me too. I was the one who sent my kid to therapy when she was sad. Of course, I felt furious BUT I realized that whatever my kid was feeling was the way she internalized her issues.

Once I apologized to her (in front of her therapist), cried and told her that I will be hands-off to her going forward....then the onus was on the therapist and her to resolve her issues.

I found that DD was now in charge of her decisions and could not blame me any longer and it was freeing. The therapist was also responsible in giving her guidance and to keep her responsible. . And the best part is that the therapist would say the same things that I used to say. After a few years, my DD came back to me telling me how great of a parent I was and how lucky she was to be raised by us, and the therapist is also full of praise for us. LOL

Let this go, OP. Tell them you are sorry and that you will be hands-off. When they are spiralling, insist they talk to the therapist. When you remove yourself from telling them what to do, your kids do not have you to blame for their laziness, inaction, disorganization, complacency, failures. And they wake up and do the right thing.

Don't let your feelings distract yourself from the real issue - you want your kids to do well and thrive. Once they are in the right path, they will be very thankful to you. You just let it go.

Holy sh**. No wonder your daughter has issues stemming from your parenting.

That's harsh. Not fair.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Your son is a grown man and he is responsible for his life and happiness.

My brother did the same to my Dad. He was working the AA 12 steps and called my Dad on the phone and for two hours told my Dad what a bad childhood he had had. Clearly my brother did not understand making amends because it was my brother who should have been doing the apology.

My Dad called me very upset and told me about my brother's phone call and asked me if my childhood had been bad.

I talked with Dad for several hours. My brother and I are 18 months apart in age. I told Dad that my brother's comments were ridiculous. We grew up middle class to upper middle class. We were never hungry. We were always clothed. We had heat in the winter. Understand billions of children around the world go hungry.

I'd maybe do one short statement in response.

Move on with your life. Live in the moment and push forward.

Your son is a grown man and responsible for his own happiness. You provided love, food, education, clothing and heat during his childhood. Your son was not doing 40 hours a week of child labor like many children do around the world.

It is time for your son to take responsibility for his life and responsibility for his happiness.

You may want to get one counseling session for yourself (with a different counselor) but honestly I'd push forward with your life.

PS. I went to public high school. It was a rough place. I was a minority child in a Maryland public high school. I'd have given everything to have been home schooled.
Sometimes public high school is not all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

Those things sound like they could easily impact him. You don't think marriage issues/fighting impact kids? You don't think homeschooling, depending on how you did it and if it was what he wanted, could impact him? You sound all about you, not him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the 14:05 poster.

Your DS (a grown man in his 30's) is responsible for getting his own mental health help and he is responsible for his own happiness.

Understand there are some bad therapists out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

I am very sorry, but it certainly wasn't intentional to harm him.

Dp. But you fought with your spouse in front of him. He likely feels like he was a bit player in your life, part of the background. Adults can rationalize so much bs, but children blame themselves, especially when they are no validated or valued. You aren't a bad person, but your son has issues from childhood. Apologize without qualifying, making excuses or making it about you. Attend a therapy session with him if he invites you. Validate him now. He's trying to feel better, facilitate that.

[Anonymous]

Op, let him vent. In whatever form. Hold your tongue. Let him work through this. And get to the other side. If it's a letter and you don't want to read it, put is away. If it's a conversation and you don't think it's fruitful, move on to another topic or shorten the visit. No idea if his observations are big deal or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

[Anonymous]

Dialectical behavioral therapy
I'm sorry
I did the best I could at the time. I love you and always will.