What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

Nope!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

It's interesting how some people still blame the 'mother' for mental illness. How misogynistic. Most mental problems are predisposed not from mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

It's interesting how some people still blame the 'mother' for mental illness. How misogynistic. Most mental problems are predisposed not from mom.

He is blaming his mother, perhaps he is blaming his father too, but OP is the mother.

[Anonymous]

He is in pain and he is expressing it and you want to make it go away with a quick "I'm sorry if I anything I did contributed to your unhappiness."

Obviously that is not going to be satisfying for your son! He doesn't want a throwaway non-apology, he wants you to listen and validate his feelings. Why not actually talk it through with him, admit that you made mistakes (specific, not a general "sorry if I made some mistakes") and explain why you did the things you did? Not to make it go away, but so he can see you that you actually care.

[Anonymous]

1. Give it time.

2. Intent does not equal impact. Someone can sincerely believe they were doing right and yet their actions cause serious harm. This is true in all arenas of life, not just parenting. Stop making this about your intent.

3. Do you want to be right or have a good relationship with your son?

[Anonymous]

I think if my kid went to therapy and came out with a laundry list of things I did wrong while raising them, I probably would agree.

I guess I am just more realistic about it. I know I made some crappy decisions, I said some mean things, I pushed too much at times and not enough at others, I sometimes forced my ideals. I am not the only mother in the world to have done it.

Kids tend to push all their real feelings about situations down deep and they often can't really identify them when they are young. So when they finally talk to someone who lets them acknowledge them and they are able to explain them, it's a revelation and very freeing.

So OP maybe instead of being all defensive consider that yeah some of the choices you made hurt your DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Give it time.

2. Intent does not equal impact. Someone can sincerely believe they were doing right and yet their actions cause serious harm. This is true in all arenas of life, not just parenting. Stop making this about your intent.

3. Do you want to be right or have a good relationship with your son?

God, this. OP, how would you feel if your mother told you she had done the best she could?

I’m sure my kids will someday tell me all the ways I skewed up. I definitely don’t look forward to it but I know I’m not perfect and no matter how hard I try I won’t do everything right for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me too. I was the one who sent my kid to therapy when she was sad. Of course, I felt furious BUT I realized that whatever my kid was feeling was the way she internalized her issues.

Once I apologized to her (in front of her therapist), cried and told her that I will be hands-off to her going forward....then the onus was on the therapist and her to resolve her issues.

I found that DD was now in charge of her decisions and could not blame me any longer and it was freeing. The therapist was also responsible in giving her guidance and to keep her responsible. . And the best part is that the therapist would say the same things that I used to say. After a few years, my DD came back to me telling me how great of a parent I was and how lucky she was to be raised by us, and the therapist is also full of praise for us. LOL

Let this go, OP. Tell them you are sorry and that you will be hands-off. When they are spiralling, insist they talk to the therapist. When you remove yourself from telling them what to do, your kids do not have you to blame for their laziness, inaction, disorganization, complacency, failures. And they wake up and do the right thing.

Don't let your feelings distract yourself from the real issue - you want your kids to do well and thrive. Once they are in the right path, they will be very thankful to you. You just let it go.

Holy sh**. No wonder your daughter has issues stemming from your parenting.

What does this comment mean? I don't see a major issue with this person's response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is in pain and he is expressing it and you want to make it go away with a quick "I'm sorry if I anything I did contributed to your unhappiness."

Obviously that is not going to be satisfying for your son! He doesn't want a throwaway non-apology, he wants you to listen and validate his feelings. Why not actually talk it through with him, admit that you made mistakes (specific, not a general "sorry if I made some mistakes") and explain why you did the things you did? Not to make it go away, but so he can see you that you actually care.

I don't think he has doubts that we care. I will admit somethings were mistakes, like homeschooling - it didn't work for him, he fought it. Other things like church were not a mistake even though he doesn't attend church now. The opportunity to go to college was not a mistake. He didn't like it and his grades weren’t good, but he had the chance to try it, but dropped out. Our marriage was challenging and I wish we hid it better from the kids. We did the best we knew at the time. If these are the worse things we did, we should be forgiven.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry I wasn't the parent you needed me to be. I hope you can find peace and the help you need. I am here for you and want to support you as best I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me too. I was the one who sent my kid to therapy when she was sad. Of course, I felt furious BUT I realized that whatever my kid was feeling was the way she internalized her issues.

Once I apologized to her (in front of her therapist), cried and told her that I will be hands-off to her going forward....then the onus was on the therapist and her to resolve her issues.

I found that DD was now in charge of her decisions and could not blame me any longer and it was freeing. The therapist was also responsible in giving her guidance and to keep her responsible. . And the best part is that the therapist would say the same things that I used to say. After a few years, my DD came back to me telling me how great of a parent I was and how lucky she was to be raised by us, and the therapist is also full of praise for us. LOL

Let this go, OP. Tell them you are sorry and that you will be hands-off. When they are spiralling, insist they talk to the therapist. When you remove yourself from telling them what to do, your kids do not have you to blame for their laziness, inaction, disorganization, complacency, failures. And they wake up and do the right thing.

Don't let your feelings distract yourself from the real issue - you want your kids to do well and thrive. Once they are in the right path, they will be very thankful to you. You just let it go.

NP. I think the above is so insightful. I also think many PPs are right in saying versions of "I love you. I tried my best; I thought I was doing the best thing at the time, and I'm sorry that I failed you." and give it over to the therapist.

I have one DC who is in college now, who has had therapy. She has a difficult relationship with her dad/my DH, IMO because they are too much alike--they are both cognitively rigid and don't forget any perceived slights. They will often bait each other and they are both total suckers in going for the bait. This is nothing horrible; it's like, of a pool of "good dads" he's a "B" dad due to his own limitations, and DC has always been a challenging kid.

I think that while the therapy has overall helped DC become more independent, on this particular narrow issue it's been at the expense of that relationship with DH...in that I think that what was a transitional teenager-dad rough patch has solidified thanks to the therapy.

Anyways, DC needed therapy and in many other ways it's been good for her and I'd sign her up for it again.

So, going back in time here: One time before my DC went to college, I was called into the therapist's with my DC, where the therapist and my DC conveyed to me that my role of helping mediate or smooth things over between DC and DH, or just explain why person A commented in that way...my role as sort of an interpreter, while it *had* helped their relationship stay afloat, it also created a situation where I was necessary, and the two of them needed to just develop their dyadic relationship themselves. In short, "Mom, butt out and Dad and I will just sink or swim."

And I did. It was freeing. She's going into her second year in college and I think their relationship has devolved. But it's not my problem. Every now and then I butt in a tiny bit, sort of encouraging DH to be the adult and be positive and don't take any bait (he agrees but just cannot execute), or trying to remind my DC that part of growing up is seeing your parents' flaws and not going all black-and-white on them but recognizing their limitations (and assuming that their limiations/flaws are not destructive to the kid, to lighten up a bit on it). DC is still too rigid to go there.

I do agree, OP, that no one can hurt you like your kid. Assuming that you did try your best, and always did what you thought was in the best interest of your kid, it's a balm or salve that you can put on your wounded heart. One day your kid (maybe when he has kids) may chill out, but in the end, just as he has to be responsible for his own happiness, so do you, OP. You cannot make your happiness dependent on his opinion of you.

And I'm sorry, OP. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

One of the challenging realizations of middle age for me is that my parents are to blame for many of my mental health issues (inherited depression, many anxiety issues and behaviors due to childhood abuse, negative relationship patterns it has taken me decades to break) but also that they did the best they could, were not aware that what they were doing at the time would cause so many issues for me, and there is little they can do now to change it.

It's just a reality you all have to learn to live with. He might be angry and resentful at times. That is his right and may be necessary to help him process these issues and work through them. It probably will make you feel bad. You can withdraw from these interactions if they are too much for you.

I have chosen not to express a lot of my realizations about this to my parents specifically because I know it would make them very upset and they do not have the resources to do much about it. But my sister struggles with this -- she wants the catharsis of telling them why she is upset, and I get that too. It's hard for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Your unapologetic, defensive attitude is just going to upset him more, and understandably. Leave your ego out of it, try truly see things from his perspective. Think about how he says he is feeling and how it would suck to feel that way. It’s hard but you’re the parent and it’s your job, still.

Often what upsets me more than what somebody did is how mad they get at me for being upset about it. The act I can forgive, but making the discussion all about their feelings and good intentions makes forgiveness a lot harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me too. I was the one who sent my kid to therapy when she was sad. Of course, I felt furious BUT I realized that whatever my kid was feeling was the way she internalized her issues.

Once I apologized to her (in front of her therapist), cried and told her that I will be hands-off to her going forward....then the onus was on the therapist and her to resolve her issues.

I found that DD was now in charge of her decisions and could not blame me any longer and it was freeing. The therapist was also responsible in giving her guidance and to keep her responsible. . And the best part is that the therapist would say the same things that I used to say. After a few years, my DD came back to me telling me how great of a parent I was and how lucky she was to be raised by us, and the therapist is also full of praise for us. LOL

Let this go, OP. Tell them you are sorry and that you will be hands-off. When they are spiralling, insist they talk to the therapist. When you remove yourself from telling them what to do, your kids do not have you to blame for their laziness, inaction, disorganization, complacency, failures. And they wake up and do the right thing.

Don't let your feelings distract yourself from the real issue - you want your kids to do well and thrive. Once they are in the right path, they will be very thankful to you. You just let it go.

NP. I think the above is so insightful. I also think many PPs are right in saying versions of "I love you. I tried my best; I thought I was doing the best thing at the time, and I'm sorry that I failed you." and give it over to the therapist.

I have one DC who is in college now, who has had therapy. She has a difficult relationship with her dad/my DH, IMO because they are too much alike--they are both cognitively rigid and don't forget any perceived slights. They will often bait each other and they are both total suckers in going for the bait. This is nothing horrible; it's like, of a pool of "good dads" he's a "B" dad due to his own limitations, and DC has always been a challenging kid.

I think that while the therapy has overall helped DC become more independent, on this particular narrow issue it's been at the expense of that relationship with DH...in that I think that what was a transitional teenager-dad rough patch has solidified thanks to the therapy.

Anyways, DC needed therapy and in many other ways it's been good for her and I'd sign her up for it again.

So, going back in time here: One time before my DC went to college, I was called into the therapist's with my DC, where the therapist and my DC conveyed to me that my role of helping mediate or smooth things over between DC and DH, or just explain why person A commented in that way...my role as sort of an interpreter, while it *had* helped their relationship stay afloat, it also created a situation where I was necessary, and the two of them needed to just develop their dyadic relationship themselves. In short, "Mom, butt out and Dad and I will just sink or swim."

And I did. It was freeing. She's going into her second year in college and I think their relationship has devolved. But it's not my problem. Every now and then I butt in a tiny bit, sort of encouraging DH to be the adult and be positive and don't take any bait (he agrees but just cannot execute), or trying to remind my DC that part of growing up is seeing your parents' flaws and not going all black-and-white on them but recognizing their limitations (and assuming that their limiations/flaws are not destructive to the kid, to lighten up a bit on it). DC is still too rigid to go there.

I do agree, OP, that no one can hurt you like your kid. Assuming that you did try your best, and always did what you thought was in the best interest of your kid, it's a balm or salve that you can put on your wounded heart. One day your kid (maybe when he has kids) may chill out, but in the end, just as he has to be responsible for his own happiness, so do you, OP. You cannot make your happiness dependent on his opinion of you.

And I'm sorry, OP. It sucks.

This is very helpful to read pp; I have a very similar situation except we are just entering the middle school years. I have a lot of baggage too about dads who berate their daughters and my biggest fear is failing to protect her. Obvs this is killing my marriage. I’m curious literally what you did in the moment to back out, esp given that both expect you to mediate. Did you walk away?