Reply to How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think what OP is trying to say isn't that she doesn't like her MIL or that her MIL *SHOULD* be helping with all the childcare. I think she's simply pointing out that if someone wants to visit frequently when she has an infant and a toddler, they need to be helpful.  Can you imagine having weekend guests six times a year that create more work for you instead of less when you have an infant and a toddler?! We have a similar situation, although my mom doesn't visit as much, but she comes about every other month and stays with us for a week. She also helps take care of my toddler, will help with cooking dinner, and will help me and my husband have a night out while she's there. If I'm cooking dinner for the family, I can ask her to make sure my daughter is okay. Shes family, there is a level of comfort, and her visits make things easier, not harder. (I would add I wouldn't expect her to do dream feeds, but the fact that OP is getting some sleep is great! I don't think we should judge her because her mom is willing to help her get a full night's sleep once in a while).

My MIL on the other hand, is a good person, but is extremely formal and not good with kids. When they visit the house needs to be spotless and we need to have planned all the meals etc.  She also believes in different parenting philosophies and she and my FIL don't mind telling us so. Also, my daughter doesn't like them - I really don't know why! I really do try to make sure that they get to spend time. So they consistently comment that she is shy and attached to us, when she is the kind of kid that will usually hug a perfect stranger. They are good people, and I'm sure my daughter will like them more as she gets older.

but right now, if they wanted to visit for a week like my mom does. No way. I cannot take their expectations for a week. Of course OP would rather have her helpful mother there. If you want to visit often and someone has young children, you can't make life harder for them. [/quote]

NP here. I agree with the majority of your post. One point I'd like you to consider is that your house doesn't "need" to be spotless, and you don't "need" to plan meals, and you certainly don't "need" to put up with people giving unsolicited advice. You are bending over backwards to make things the way MIL/FIL like it for visits, but that is a *choice* that you and DH are making. You can stop that. You can cut that out. You can have your house be clean *to your standard.* You can announce that meals are going to be impromptu. And you can smile blandly and say, "Huh, hmm, oh, mmm" with a tilted head and laugh a little as you go on your way if they try to give you parenting advice.

If you want to get off that ride, you can.[/quote]

PP here - Yes, if I wanted to I could ignore their criticism, you are right.  And re: the parenting advice - this is what I do.  At this point I usually just say, its so nice you did that for your kids, but this is how we've decided to raise Larla.  The mention of their expectations and criticism though is just to make the point that their visits are less than helpful, and therefore less frequent/shorter. [/quote]

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