Reply to How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, this time is about you, DH and your baby.  And what you are comfortable with as a new mother.  It isn't a time to worry about a negative, emotional draining family member, even if she happens to be a grandmother.  You can't change your MIL - she got to raise her family her own way and she is who she is.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent those precious years when DC was younger trying to figure out how to make MIL happy.  Nothing was ever enough and it was EXHAUSTING.  Looking back, the conversation revolved around MIL's feelings and what she felt entitled to.  It was never about DH and me as new parents, how we were doing and what kind of support we actually needed.

I hope things get better for you.

[/quote]

+1
Young kids are physically demanding. [b]Women are expected to do everything [/b]- do not add guests who are unhelpful and critical. If MIL wants more time, the husband should  arrange for his mother to visit and squash the comments. [/quote]

+1, totally agree[/quote]

Do you even see the irony in this statement?

MIL, also a WOMAN, is being *expected* to come and do heavy lifting for OP, who is doing very little heavy lifting compared to many other families. Rather than take responsibility for her own family, she is limiting access based on who is going to do the most work for her. OMG - her MIL is severely obese, and therefore not physically able to do as much manual labour as her own mother.

I’d feel more sympathetic for OP if she didn’t have so much help otherwise, but she’s basically comparing workloads and allowing access to the grandchildren based on that.

OP is looking at this through a biased lens, not least of all leaning in one direction, as her MIL is obese. MIL is coming and doing what she is capable of doing, and the net worth of that is not zero. [/quote]

It doesn’t sounds like anyone is expecting MIL to do anything. But because she adds work (so I would argue that the net worth is negative), she can’t be accommodated as much. 
And it really doesn’t matter how much help OP has. You have no idea what her workload is. 
I don’t play the game of making everything completely even between by ILs and my parents. I am ten times more comfortable when my mother is visiting just because it’s my mom and since I’m a SAHM it doesn’t require time off. if MILs want to be on the same comfort level, they need to not be critical and keeping score. We have the same situation except instead of being obese, my MIL is narcisstic. It’s somewhat on the same level of obesity - is it within her control or not? She could certainly minimize the impact on us through therapy, but she chooses not to. Some aspect of obesity is by choice as well. How much is lifestyle versus genetics is not apparent. [/quote]

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