DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe you OP about the money. I think you are a neighbor and you are unemployed and I think you wrote this about not having sex and threw in the income figure so that no one questioned your worth in this forum.

[Anonymous]

You make 500k and are holding down the house? I'd fu$k you 3 ways till Sunday. Lots of women would. Don't ever forget that.

I'll fight you for him.

OP here. Back from putting the kids to sleep and doing the dishes post-dinner. Both of these comments made me laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost like starting over. People change over time. Get to know each other again. Reconnect. Say you miss her.

Any of us here are just guessing at why the frequency of sex has decreased. I know the frequency of sex is your priority, but you will need to prioritize the communication part to remedy the sex part. You will need to discuss this with her. Maybe the tub thing works for her, maybe not. Maybe she wants romancing, maybe that seems like more work to her. Maybe she needs more down time. Maybe there are health issues to address. Start with getting more time to communicate with each other.

OP here. The root of the problem is that there is no time for communication when DW comes home and is tired. All she wants to do is veg (watch videos on her phone) and de-compress. I get it. I've been there too. I'm willing to have the conversation and go out on date nights but there has to be reciprocity of desire to connect. Absent that reciprocity, I would just rather settle for sexy time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Almost like starting over. People change over time. Get to know each other again. Reconnect. Say you miss her.

Any of us here are just guessing at why the frequency of sex has decreased. I know the frequency of sex is your priority, but you will need to prioritize the communication part to remedy the sex part. You will need to discuss this with her. Maybe the tub thing works for her, maybe not. Maybe she wants romancing, maybe that seems like more work to her. Maybe she needs more down time. Maybe there are health issues to address. Start with getting more time to communicate with each other.

OP here. The root of the problem is that there is no time for communication when DW comes home and is tired. All she wants to do is veg (watch videos on her phone) and de-compress. I get it. I've been there too. I'm willing to have the conversation and go out on date nights but there has to be reciprocity of desire to connect. Absent that reciprocity, I would just rather settle for sexy time.

And now she's at the re-establishing herself professionally stage of her career. I bet she was chill AF about it when you were there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Almost like starting over. People change over time. Get to know each other again. Reconnect. Say you miss her.

Any of us here are just guessing at why the frequency of sex has decreased. I know the frequency of sex is your priority, but you will need to prioritize the communication part to remedy the sex part. You will need to discuss this with her. Maybe the tub thing works for her, maybe not. Maybe she wants romancing, maybe that seems like more work to her. Maybe she needs more down time. Maybe there are health issues to address. Start with getting more time to communicate with each other.

OP here. The root of the problem is that there is no time for communication when DW comes home and is tired. All she wants to do is veg (watch videos on her phone) and de-compress. I get it. I've been there too. I'm willing to have the conversation and go out on date nights but there has to be reciprocity of desire to connect. Absent that reciprocity, I would just rather settle for sexy time.

This might be why you’re not getting any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female here and i got a kick out of you clarifying the emotional load with the “..If that makes sense.” Oh yes, haha, it sure does. I guarantee you that at leas 3/4 of us reading are women and believe me you don’t need to explain

I have a couple of questions:

-Whose idea was it for her to go back to work?

-Be really honest: were you comfortable financially before she went back? I know you said you make 80 pc of the HHI but how much do you make? (Approx)

(I am trying to figure out her motivations here)

-Is she into sex in general? How much sex did you have before?

-Did you show appreciation before? For everything she was doing?

-How much of your joint load right now can be outsourced? Have you thought outside the box with that? For instance, think about what you can outsource even if it doesn’t feel like it might be immediately helpful with your 8pm issue. Then try to move other stuff around, which CAN be helpful with your 8pm issue.

I’ll report back with my thoughts if you answer!

This is OP.

It was always understood that she would go back to work, because she wanted to. It took her a while to get call backs and interviews and I think she will say that I was 100% supportive - more emotional support than anything else because her resume and interviewing capabilities were just fine.

When she went back to work, I was making ~$350k. My income along in the last couple years has been ~$500k. When I say that we don't need her paycheck, she wasn't going back for the money. She really loved what she was doing (still does) and she would probably work for free if they didn't pay her.

She really isn't into sex, meaning, she doesn't initiate. But she hasn't denied me when I've initiated. Prior to kids, we were probably 3x week.

Admittedly, I didn't show as much appreciation or gratitude as I could have. I probably took a lot of it for granted. That wasn't to say I was a jerk but I didn't go out of my way to thank her for what she was doing everyday for our family, our kids and me. She really is a thoughtful person and puts her heart into her work. I like to say that she cooks with TLC whereas, I just cook the food to make sure that we have something to eat.

We outsource house cleaning. We have a part time nanny. I was thinking about subscribing to some type of food delivery service - not like a Blue Apron or Hello Fresh but someone, an actual person, who actually cooks the meals and drops it off daily. I know it'll be pricier but more than anything it'll save some of the mental burden of figuring out what to eat every day. That's the hardest thing. I've standardized the kids breakfast and lunches. They eat the same thing everyday. They don't seem to mind too much but it would be nice to work in more variety (I digress).

Thank you for your questions and look forward to hearing your thoughts.

You make 500k and are holding down the house? I'd fu$k you 3 ways till Sunday. Lots of women would. Don't ever forget that.

I'll fight you for him.

I’m the one who initially asked you all of these questions. I do think that if you are truly making 500k and doing almost all of the work around the house, there’s a real problem here. Is there any chance at all that maybe you don’t understand how much else there is to do, and perhaps she is shouldering burdens that you aren’t completely aware of? For instance, I do alllllll kinds of stuff that I guarantee my husband has no idea about. Your comment about the mental load makes me think that this is probably not the case but I figured I’d throw it out there anyway.

Why don’t you get an au pair? That’s what you need. She can be your extra hand in the mornings, evenings, take care of all of the kid stuff. If you have a good au pair you would be shocked at how much easier life your life could be. Or a part time nanny who comes every single day after school and stays through bedtime.

Another tip for you is galley for the meals. Blue Apron and similar take forever and aren’t worth the tome. Go for galley, or at least plan out in advance who is going to get takeout and what they will bring home. Also, keep your freezer stocked with some pre made pasta dishes from an Italian deli. No clue where you live but we do this from the Italian gourmet in Vienna. You can throw them in the oven when you don’t know what else to do for dinner and all of a sudden you have a home cooked (ish) tasty Italian meal for no effort. I also keep a ton of frozen broccoli on hand, and I mix with olive oil, salt, pepper and garlic (from a jar, haha) and cook for 30 at 350. It will taste very close to fresh roasted broccoli and involves zero pre planning.

Back to your wife. You have gotten some good advice here, but I think the key is to realize that you are dealing with two completely different issues. I really don’t think the sex is as linked to the other stuff as you think. And in some ways, I don’t think the other stuff is your biggest issue. I think you’re pissed (understandably) about the lack of sex and it’s making the other stuff seem worse to you. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I think you absolutely have reason to be pissed about the other stuff on its own, but for whatever reason you aren’t.

So:

1. Outsource, outsource, outsource. You can make up for her lack of contribution by outsourcing. And her salary can probably cover it all so it’s a win win.

2. Follow some of the relationship advice that others gave you in regards to couple time etc. talk to her about what you need. But don’t mention the household stuff. Pick your battles and it sounds like your top priority is sex, so focus on it. (No judgment, I like sex too!).

3. Once you get to a better place, try to see if you can get her to have a better work life balance. Maybe see if she’d be willing to work PT. I assume that’s not an option bc you probably would have already, but you never know.

It sounds like you do love and respect your wife. Try to make it work. Good luck!

OP here.

Thanks for following up with your thoughts. I recognize that it takes time to write out these responses so thank you to all of you, especially PP for the thoughtful response.

There is stuff that DW handles that burns mental calories (e.g. scheduling after school activities which I ultimately have to chauffeur and attend, doctors appointments, etc). Yes, you're right, I may not be ware of everything. But outside of that, I take care of the monthly bills, car maintenance including putting gas in the cars every week, and house issues (lawn, appliance issues, etc). No sense in playing tit for tat - I understand your point that DW is thinking about our family. She may not have the mental capacity or throughput to handle as much as I do presently and it's never a 50/50 split down the middle. I hear the other posters when they say that this is my time to suck it up.

Re:au pair, that seems over the top that would change the way we live our lives. I don't want another young lady living in my house, especially if she is attractive. Not saying anything would happen but I don't want to put myself and my marriage to the test.

Re: galley, I'll look into that. Just checked out their website and it looks like something I could take advantage of at least once a week if I don't have any ideas for dinner. Also, I'm in NoVa and not too far away from Vienna. I'll check out the Italian Gourmet place. I got my kids started on broccoli and use the same ingredients inside our steam oven. Thanks for the suggestions!

You're right about the lack of sex making the other things worse. I feel real resentment building up and I know that it's not healthy. I think you're right about these being two different issues - too much stuff for me to do around the house and separately, the lack of intimacy.

Thanks for your advice. I'll incorporate those ideas into my conversation, especially separating out the topics of household chores and sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I don’t think the fact that she SAHM while you built your career is that relevant, nor is the fact that you now make more and contribute more. I think the most relevant question is what did you discuss about each of your expectations when she returned to work? Did you have a discussion about what her hours would be and how stuff at home would be handled? If not, that’s a problem. If so, are things different from what you expected and agreed to?

In terms of your connection with each other, I would suggest that the best approach is just to tell her that you miss her. Don’t specify that it’s sex that you miss. Just that you miss her. And see what she says.

OP here. We did not discuss expectations beforehand and as a result, it feels like we just ended up here. I didn't choose this and I think if I asked her she would feel the same. I'm sure that is contributing to the increase in dissatisfaction.

I do miss her and now that I think about it, not just the sex, all of her. It sounds bad but I have forgotten what her companionship is like because I feel like it's been a long time since I've felt like we are a team. Just writing this out and thinking about it is enlightening for me. This is like therapy for me. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She supported you, per your own admission. It is your turn now. It isn't easy to re-establish a career after you are out of the workforce for several years.

This is such crap. If the DW were the one typing this you'd all tell him to get himself home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and go back to work after the kids are in bed if he has more work to do on those nights. And you'd tell the DW to stop doing all the house stuff for him and talk to him about how he needs to find some time just like she does to help him pick up some of the slack. You would all rally behind her and say how she needs to remind him that having two incomes means you both pitch in equally, etc. This is just utter crap.

OP here.

I can see both perspectives on the above and based on one of the PP's advice of talking about expectations, I think DW and I need to develop our own set of expectations for each other. I do think it's reasonable for her to be home at least twice a week for dinner. I don't think she needs to cook dinner because we can use something like galley or prepared foods that we can just heat up. The conversation at the table is different when everyone is there (the kids and I are definitely more sillier when mommy is not around) and DW and I talk more together when we're eating with the family - this is based on my observations of when we go out to eat on the weekends.

Also, getting galley is like getting take out - no dishes so win/win (no dinner pre and no dishes afterwards).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe you OP about the money. I think you are a neighbor and you are unemployed and I think you wrote this about not having sex and threw in the income figure so that no one questioned your worth in this forum.

OP here.

This also made me laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Almost like starting over. People change over time. Get to know each other again. Reconnect. Say you miss her.

Any of us here are just guessing at why the frequency of sex has decreased. I know the frequency of sex is your priority, but you will need to prioritize the communication part to remedy the sex part. You will need to discuss this with her. Maybe the tub thing works for her, maybe not. Maybe she wants romancing, maybe that seems like more work to her. Maybe she needs more down time. Maybe there are health issues to address. Start with getting more time to communicate with each other.

OP here. The root of the problem is that there is no time for communication when DW comes home and is tired. All she wants to do is veg (watch videos on her phone) and de-compress. I get it. I've been there too. I'm willing to have the conversation and go out on date nights but there has to be reciprocity of desire to connect. Absent that reciprocity, I would just rather settle for sexy time.

You are treating your wife like a blow-up doll. “Yeah, it would be cool if we had a mutual connection, but if not, I’ll settle for some one-sided sex.”

[Anonymous]

Get a young hot nanny!

[Anonymous]

OP, so your wife has a $125k/yr job? Honestly, while it's not 500k, that's probably also not a job with a ton of "work-life balance".

Your wife needs to put better boundaries in place with work. But only she can do that.

I'd send the kids to the grandparents (+if possible) one Friday night and have a state of the household conversation when she gets home about whether the job she has really makes sense for your family. If she loves it, but isn't doing it for the money, then when she takes a step back and sees how it affects the family life she presumably also values, you can hope it will spark a realization that she needs to set boundaries at work too.

I'm not saying she should quit a job she loves. She should keep the job, but leave everyday at 6pm. If work days boo about it, find a different company.

[Anonymous]

Does she actually like being a parent, or does she like the idea of it? I know a family that is in a situation very similar to yours (and there is an infinitesimal chance that it actually is you), and from the outsiders perspective, we are waiting for the lightbulb to go off for the DH that the DW just really is enamored of a life she missed - a very self-centered life like back in her college days - and prioritizes that over her family. I think she feels like she missed something back in the day, and the family income allows her to do that now, so,under the guise of the job she is living her 20s over, but this time properly resourced. As a bonus she has cute kids to Instagram but doesn’t actually do much with them any more, let alone parent. I don’t think she dislikes the husband, I think she’s just prioritizing everything else and her work family is her family of focus right now.

I’m not sure she’s ever going to change - I don’t think parenting was her thing bad when she SAH either. So it’s kind of up to you, OP, to figure out what you’re looking for. Parenting two elementary kids is a drain no matter what, and splitting up isn’t really going to change that burden for you. I am a bit concerned that what you really seem to miss is the sex, not the companionship of the person, which means that maybe you were never as compatible as you thought you were to begin with.

I don’t think a single person we know will be surprised when we hear that that couple is breaking up. And not because we think there was something horrible going on inside the marriage, but just that what they wanted out of life turned out to be very different and that one person was really into family life and one wasn’t.

[Anonymous]

Female response here. This is going to sound a little cheesy but you should check out the 5 Love Languages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

We did a retreat several years ago and learned about this and it was eye opening. The gist of it is that people tend to express love in the way they want to receive it, and better communication comes from expressing it in the way your partner wants to receive it. So your primary love language seems to be physical touch with also some words of affirmation. You need to figure out what your wife’s is and that will help you communicate with her better. You also need to make sure she understands that your primary love language is physical touch. We have this in our marriage, and it can quickly become a chicken and egg thing if you don’t get what you need you stop giving what the other needs. Once I realized that for my husband to feel loved he needed physical touch it made a big difference to how I priotizrd it. That said, some days all I feel I can give is a passionate kiss, a long hug, etc. But I try to do something to fill his need for touch. I also find myself more inclined to want to be intimate when he gives me physical affection without necessarily expecting it to lead to something more. So when he kisses and hugs me daily in a lingering and meaningful way, it helps keep us connected and leads to more frequency. When those small connections don’t happen, it can quickly deteriorate to a long stretch without any kind of physical connection.

But, at times in life I have real problems handling stress and I just sort of shut down and want to turn my brain off by watching TV, etc. So I think asking your wife how she is really doing and feeling about life, is she happy. Being so disconnected from you all and trying to bury herself in work and other things may be a sigh of depression or masking another issue she does not want to deal with.

[Anonymous]

What happened to he needs to do 50% of the housework and 50% if the chiddcare no matter how much he works. They are his kids too. And he is choosing to prioritize work over his family. He could be home more and more invoked if he wanted to.

The double standard is crazy.

And it isn't wrong for him to want his kids to have time with their parents and family.