DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

My wife works more than I think is comfortable for our marriage. We have two elementary school aged kids and have been married for 10+ years.

When I say that she works too much, here is what I mean.
1) The kids and I have dinner without her for 90% of the weekdays
2) We don't have/make time to talk about what's going on in our lives and the kids lives because she's spent after work
3) We are intimate only once a week because she's so tired
4) Here is the vent portion: I do 90% of the cooking, dishes, garbage, grocery shopping, etc during the week. We typically eat out on the weekends because I don't want to cook or do dishes and it's easier so there is little burden on her on the weekends as well

The crazy part for me, is that I bring in 80% of our income and my job is suffering because I have to take care of all the household activities. To be fair, she stayed home for 7 years after we had our first child and supported me through my career which directly allowed me to put all my energy into my work. I know she is trying to make up for "lost" time and I don't mind that she works but getting home at 8pm or later everyday does not a happy home make. That said, she really loves what she does and it shows. She pours her heart and soul into her work and that leaves very little for us at home. What is leftover goes to the kids. I get the scraps which is to say, I don't get no lovin.

I'm trying to figure out what I want because I'm dissatisfied at the status quo. Here is what I think I want:
- More intimacy - at least 2x a week
- I want to be prioritized and feel appreciated for my contributions

Writing this out has helped me organize my thoughts and this may sound crude but I just want to get laid more frequently and I think that will help dissolve my growing disappointment about the inequity of the household responsibilities.

For the record, I do love her and am committed to the relationship but there is a growing discontent within me. I'm planning on having a conversation with her this weekend but wanted to organize my thoughts beforehand.

So, what say you DCUM? Any advice would be appreciated on how to bring this up in a conversation or any ideas on how to deal with my growing discontent with my wife/marriage. If in your reply, you could identify as male or female before providing your advice, I would appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

She supported you, per your own admission. It is your turn now. It isn't easy to re-establish a career after you are out of the workforce for several years.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP that you need to support her but I think you can also set up some reasonable guidelines like...sex on mondays and thursdays, home for dinner with the kids at least 2 dinners during the week and both weekend days.

Then work on some basic communication stuff like explain that you would appreciate it if she thanked you for what you're doing or something.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be completely honest, if I was your wife and you laid all of this out for me, if would be so alienating to hear that you don't really care that we don't spend much time together outside the bedroom. I imagine it would be very hurtful that your primary interest in me as a partner is as a warm body for you to stick your penis in, and beyond that I'm largely irrelevant except to the extent that I also fawn over all of your contributions to stroke your ego. I mean, you note the lack of conversation but don't include it in your list of things you want, and that speaks volumes.

[Anonymous]

So out of curiousity, OP, those years she SAH, how present were you in day to day life, especially since you were “allowed to put all your energy into work”?

[Anonymous]

Lol, so your wife is really there for two reasons, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be completely honest, if I was your wife and you laid all of this out for me, if would be so alienating to hear that you don't really care that we don't spend much time together outside the bedroom. I imagine it would be very hurtful that your primary interest in me as a partner is as a warm body for you to stick your penis in, and beyond that I'm largely irrelevant except to the extent that I also fawn over all of your contributions to stroke your ego. I mean, you note the lack of conversation but don't include it in your list of things you want, and that speaks volumes.

Brutal, but fair.

[Anonymous]

How big of you that you "don't mind that she works." Seven years of prioritizing your career alone, and you're going to issue an ultimatum about how often you get your d*ck wet?

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's your turn to support her, but I think it's reasonable to ask for some concessions. I.e. On Friday, she's home by 5 PM and one Friday a month you two have a date night.

Ask for small things; don't mention that you think this would all be fixed if you got laid more. That's not going to resonate with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's your turn to support her, but I think it's reasonable to ask for some concessions. I.e. On Friday, she's home by 5 PM and one Friday a month you two have a date night.

Ask for small things; don't mention that you think this would all be fixed if you got laid more. That's not going to resonate with her.

No, I want OP to do exactly that, and then come back to report word for word how it all went down. This could be the best thread ever.

[Anonymous]

Female here. I would phrase it as looking for more time to connect as husband and wife. Maybe look at setting up date nights, or sporadic weekend getaways. Once you get more time together established, then talk about ways to find more work/family time balance.

[Anonymous]

Does she have to be enthusiastic about the sex? Or can she lie back and think of England?

[Anonymous]

Hire a cleaning lady.
Set up dates nights and get a babysitter.
Do you do oral?
Are you fit?
Are you fun?

[Anonymous]

when she was a SAHM did you miss dinner every night? If not, then I think your expectations are reasonable--not just for you, but also for the kids. ITs not about not supporting her career, but I wonder if she can carve out time or do things differently so that you have more couple time and the family has more family time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be completely honest, if I was your wife and you laid all of this out for me, if would be so alienating to hear that you don't really care that we don't spend much time together outside the bedroom. I imagine it would be very hurtful that your primary interest in me as a partner is as a warm body for you to stick your penis in, and beyond that I'm largely irrelevant except to the extent that I also fawn over all of your contributions to stroke your ego. I mean, you note the lack of conversation but don't include it in your list of things you want, and that speaks volumes.

Brutal, but fair.

Ditto to this.

Try this...
1. I want you to be home more because I don't want you to look back and think you missed out on time with the kids. (I actually said this to my H and he cut back on work.)
2. I want to spend more time with you, can we work on finding a babysitter so we can go out as a couple twice a month (every other weekend).
3. I miss time in bed together, on Sunday afternoons can we put a movie on for the kids and tell them we are taking a nap.
4. I am going to hire a person to cook two nights a week because I feel overwhelmed with household chores.