DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh FFS, there is no magic formula to spending time with kids. Dinner is not sacred, especially if another parent is there. You do not have to have 2 parents at everything. 60% is not a magic line.

I am shocked at the level of sexism in this thread that this was A-OK for DH to do for 7 years while he traveled and worked and got himself into a high earning path, but how that Mom works it is a disaster.

I know many cabinet level or sub-cabinet or exec. level women who don't dine daily with their kids. But, they do chat on the phone at the office, help with homework by text, have dinner with the kids near the office, send them pictures or whatever. Their kids survive quite well, despite what Anne-Marie whats-her-face says.

My own kids didn't see their Dad for 6-8 weeks at a time while he was working in crazy places overseas. No one ever told me he was a bad parent for not being there for dinner every night. He sent pics. He emailed. He called Etc. Kids know that he loves them. We had fun dinners without him, and I would share daily achievements/problems so he was still in the loop when he got home. Kids benefited a lot by his experiences.

OP needs to grow up. OP's wife deserves to develop personally and professionally and he took her time and effort to do that for himself, so now he owes it to her to hold down the fort, with or without her. The kids will not die or being emotionally stunted if she doesn't show up for dinner most nights.

Sex is a different matter. OP would do better to ask himself why his wife isn't more interested and try to adjust accordingly.

+1

The sexism and double standards in this thread is nuts. OP's wife supported his career for 7 years. Now it's his turn to support her.

[Anonymous]

Men panic -- they have sex lots at the beginning of the relationship, less when they get married, then less when kids come along. They do the math and assume the next step is zero--they see it as a straight downhill progression, not an up-and-down pattern. Men who stick it out in their marriages find that it gets better as the kids get older, you have more time, you know what the other person likes, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I haven’t had time to read all of the comments but I will this weekend. Thank you to all of you who have contributed to this thread and I wanted to report some good news.

Had a mini conversation last night with DW and it went extremely well.

I took the advice of many on this board and didn’t lead with the sex. I brought up the fact that I wanted us to be connected more during the week. I explained that I felt neglected and we didn’t have a partnership in place.

At first, there was a defensive reaction around the fact that she’s trying to help out around the house. I told her this is not a tit for tat conversation (I should get credit for doing this, you have to do that, etc) and that I understand that she wants to prove herself at work. I expressed that I want to support her because she supported me for so many years. And then I asked her if she felt like I was supporting her. She said – some days yes and some days no.

That was a real moment for me. There was truth there. Because I am doing a lot at home but I’m not doing them to support my wife, I’m doing them to get those tasks completed – there is a very important nuance there. It’s kind of like when I shared that when my DW cooks, she’s doing it with TLC, whereas when I cook, I’m doing it to get food on the table as quickly as possible.

Anyways, I asked her how I could support her more and we talked about that. She then went on to acknowledge me stepping up on the household duties and how bad she felt.

I asked what she had around expectations for us (thank you to the poster who suggested this question) and told her that we’re letting life get in the way of us staying connected and that we have to be intentional to stay connected – for us and for the kids. She agreed that we need to have “connected time” during the week. But instead of talking about concrete activities to follow through on, I went in for the sex. She was agreeable to that which honestly, made a lot of my discontent disappear.

I know that I’ve taken a beating from some of you around my self-centered sex approach. But there is a part of me that changes when I don’t have sex, make love, or get laid (however you want to put it) with my DW. I find myself grumpier, more prone to anger, etc. Maybe that’s why they tell boxers not to have sex before their fights. But I digress. When I take care of my own needs solo, there is a release but there is still a tension if that makes any sense. When my DW and I are intimate, there is a whole body release – mind, body and emotions.

Just wanted to thank the diverse thoughts and insights of the people on this board. It helped me reflect and consider different perspectives which helped me in the conversation.

I plan on having a lengthier discussion this weekend with DW and will report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. I haven’t had time to read all of the comments but I will this weekend. Thank you to all of you who have contributed to this thread and I wanted to report some good news.

Had a mini conversation last night with DW and it went extremely well.

I took the advice of many on this board and didn’t lead with the sex. I brought up the fact that I wanted us to be connected more during the week. I explained that I felt neglected and we didn’t have a partnership in place.

At first, there was a defensive reaction around the fact that she’s trying to help out around the house. I told her this is not a tit for tat conversation (I should get credit for doing this, you have to do that, etc) and that I understand that she wants to prove herself at work. I expressed that I want to support her because she supported me for so many years. And then I asked her if she felt like I was supporting her. She said – some days yes and some days no.

That was a real moment for me. There was truth there. Because I am doing a lot at home but I’m not doing them to support my wife, I’m doing them to get those tasks completed – there is a very important nuance there. It’s kind of like when I shared that when my DW cooks, she’s doing it with TLC, whereas when I cook, I’m doing it to get food on the table as quickly as possible.

Anyways, I asked her how I could support her more and we talked about that. She then went on to acknowledge me stepping up on the household duties and how bad she felt.

I asked what she had around expectations for us (thank you to the poster who suggested this question) and told her that we’re letting life get in the way of us staying connected and that we have to be intentional to stay connected – for us and for the kids. She agreed that we need to have “connected time” during the week. But instead of talking about concrete activities to follow through on, I went in for the sex. She was agreeable to that which honestly, made a lot of my discontent disappear.

I know that I’ve taken a beating from some of you around my self-centered sex approach. But there is a part of me that changes when I don’t have sex, make love, or get laid (however you want to put it) with my DW. I find myself grumpier, more prone to anger, etc. Maybe that’s why they tell boxers not to have sex before their fights. But I digress. When I take care of my own needs solo, there is a release but there is still a tension if that makes any sense. When my DW and I are intimate, there is a whole body release – mind, body and emotions.

Just wanted to thank the diverse thoughts and insights of the people on this board. It helped me reflect and consider different perspectives which helped me in the conversation.

I plan on having a lengthier discussion this weekend with DW and will report back.


Np If I were you I wouldn't report back at all. You don't owe us anything and it seems like you are on the way. Even though it is anonymous I wouldn't be happy if I find my spouse put some much personal info out there. Just enjoy your kids and wife.

[Anonymous]

So glad you were able to sit down and talk through it. So many don't even try to have conversations with each other and just lets it build until the marriage starts breaking down. The worse part about throwing yourself into your career is that one day she will look around and her kids will be grown and she will have missed all those wonderful moments with them that we get to store up as sweet memories later. I hope she gets the opportunity have some involvement with the kids sometime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men panic -- they have sex lots at the beginning of the relationship, less when they get married, then less when kids come along. They do the math and assume the next step is zero--they see it as a straight downhill progression, not an up-and-down pattern. Men who stick it out in their marriages find that it gets better as the kids get older, you have more time, you know what the other person likes, etc.

This sounds nice, but I suspect this is mostly wishful thinking. I'm sure it happens this way in some relationships, but overall, I don't think the statistics back you up on this. Sexual frequency pretty generally declines as the years wear on. I've been married for twenty years, have kids who are in their teens, and I've not seen our sex life do anything but decline. My relationship could be the exception, but I don't think so.

[Anonymous]

Wow. There is lots of sexism in this thread, but it sure isn't anti woman. OP earned 100% of the money while his wife didn't work for 7 years and SHE was the one supporting HIM? Just wow. My mind is blown. Now he is still bringing in major bank (80% of the household finances) and does most of the household stuff and child care, and he is being made to feel guilty for expecting more from his wife, including ... more sex? Sounds like a pretty reasonable request since he is taking care of the house, kids and finances nearly single handedly. Holy cow, this has gone off the rails here. If it was the wife doing absolutely everything in the family, DCUM would explode with women telling her to DTMFA.

OP, I haven't read the whole 15 pages, but has it already been covered about whether your wife is having an affair? I'd consider the possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you make that much money and you feel stretched, OF COURSE you should have someone do all the cooking for you. You should hire people and pay money to make everything easier for everyone. It's stupid not to. Considering your wife prioritized you for SEVEN YEARS I'd say you owe her at least 3 years of figuring it out without complaint.

You should have help that either lives with you or domes to the house full time through the kids’ teen years (until they go to college)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. There is lots of sexism in this thread, but it sure isn't anti woman. OP earned 100% of the money while his wife didn't work for 7 years and SHE was the one supporting HIM? Just wow. My mind is blown. Now he is still bringing in major bank (80% of the household finances) and does most of the household stuff and child care, and he is being made to feel guilty for expecting more from his wife, including ... more sex? Sounds like a pretty reasonable request since he is taking care of the house, kids and finances nearly single handedly. Holy cow, this has gone off the rails here. If it was the wife doing absolutely everything in the family, DCUM would explode with women telling her to DTMFA.

OP, I haven't read the whole 15 pages, but has it already been covered about whether your wife is having an affair? I'd consider the possibility.

The amount of money you make - especially if it’s way more than you need - doesn’t give anyone the right to be a self centered prick (aka ‘you’).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. There is lots of sexism in this thread, but it sure isn't anti woman. OP earned 100% of the money while his wife didn't work for 7 years and SHE was the one supporting HIM? Just wow. My mind is blown. Now he is still bringing in major bank (80% of the household finances) and does most of the household stuff and child care, and he is being made to feel guilty for expecting more from his wife, including ... more sex? Sounds like a pretty reasonable request since he is taking care of the house, kids and finances nearly single handedly. Holy cow, this has gone off the rails here. If it was the wife doing absolutely everything in the family, DCUM would explode with women telling her to DTMFA.

OP, I haven't read the whole 15 pages, but has it already been covered about whether your wife is having an affair? I'd consider the possibility.

Finances are always minimized in these discussions. The money is just kind of there. That way we can focus on whether the housework and child care is being split fairly rather than stepping back and looking at how the overall effort required to maintain a family is being split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh FFS, there is no magic formula to spending time with kids. Dinner is not sacred, especially if another parent is there. You do not have to have 2 parents at everything. 60% is not a magic line.

I am shocked at the level of sexism in this thread that this was A-OK for DH to do for 7 years while he traveled and worked and got himself into a high earning path, but how that Mom works it is a disaster.

I know many cabinet level or sub-cabinet or exec. level women who don't dine daily with their kids. But, they do chat on the phone at the office, help with homework by text, have dinner with the kids near the office, send them pictures or whatever. Their kids survive quite well, despite what Anne-Marie whats-her-face says.

My own kids didn't see their Dad for 6-8 weeks at a time while he was working in crazy places overseas. No one ever told me he was a bad parent for not being there for dinner every night. He sent pics. He emailed. He called Etc. Kids know that he loves them. We had fun dinners without him, and I would share daily achievements/problems so he was still in the loop when he got home. Kids benefited a lot by his experiences.

OP needs to grow up. OP's wife deserves to develop personally and professionally and he took her time and effort to do that for himself, so now he owes it to her to hold down the fort, with or without her. The kids will not die or being emotionally stunted if she doesn't show up for dinner most nights.

Sex is a different matter. OP would do better to ask himself why his wife isn't more interested and try to adjust accordingly.

There is a difference between a temporary absence due to a work emergency or a special project and consistently not being home in the evenings to see your child which sends a very clear message to kids that they are not a priority, Also, kids may not suffer from a short term absence, but hard to see how a kids benefit from not seeing parents for months at time, that just sounds like your rationalization.

After three years of ignoring family life, seems like op’s wife need to change her priorities. Op changed his three years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how it's fair in any way that she doesn't bring in the money, doesn't do anything in the house, doesn't do anything with the kids, and isn't there for you in bed.

On the other hand, tbh, sex once a week with little kids sounds normal.

I'm female.

To be fair, 20% of 500K is still a substantial contribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men panic -- they have sex lots at the beginning of the relationship, less when they get married, then less when kids come along. They do the math and assume the next step is zero--they see it as a straight downhill progression, not an up-and-down pattern. Men who stick it out in their marriages find that it gets better as the kids get older, you have more time, you know what the other person likes, etc.

My personal experience is complete opposite

DW stopped having sex in late 40’s. Divorced. Now having sex daily with another divorced woman , both in fifties . She will never change and ignore ONLY gets worse. You have to find someone that values sex. That knows her own body and Ian in shape. Otherwise u will Hagen a lifetime of masturbation while your DW spends the paychecks. And Believe me. If the paychecks stop she will notice and leave u

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anthropologically speaking, OP is the alpha male silverback whose evolution has led him to expect that with success comes frequent reproductive opportunities. It was a similar situation for the khans and their harems. Unfortunately he lives in a society where females have a achieved a level of equality in the workplace where they are no longer required to be as submissive to the alpha male to survive. For everyone saying "that's just how men are," this is my answer: "this is just how society is now."

If you don't like this, there are a few alternatives I have seen men pursue: divorce wife and pursue rich bachelor lifestyle, divorce wife and select mail-order-bride or other woman who is beholden enough to you that she must be submissive, stay in marriage and cheat frequently, or stay in marriage and hire prostitutes.

Interesting fact: among primates, a harem social structure is correlated with very small male reproductive organs. Since females mate with one male only, there is no need for large quantities of sperm. A silverback gorilla’s penis is about the size of your pinky (true, you can look it up).

Therefore, we can assume men who spout off nonsense about harems likely have very small penises.

That is fantastic.

Thank you!

I also don’t think misogynists who buy the whole “alpha male/harem” thing realize what it actually entails- living completely alone, fighting to your death for the chance to mate, a 90+% chance that you will never mate (only a small percentage of males actually become “alpha”), constantly fighting off rivals, very little actual sex, caring for dozens of children, enjoying that life for maybe a few years until someone younger and stronger kills you. Oh, and in humans, it only works if there is either massive male casualties from war, or if there is a huge wealth disparity, so you also have to worry about either getting killed in battle or someone killing you for your wealth. Studies have found that alpha male animals have massive amounts of stress and their health deteriorates from it. Not exactly the fantasy these idiots have where they sit on their ass all day, getting bjs and fed grapes by beautiful women.

I just want to point out that I wrote the original "anthropological" post and you guys have all read me wrong. I am a woman. The summary of what I wrote is this: "Your body may have these alpha male desires but you're living in the modern world so you're just going to have to deal with women's equality." I'm not sure why people read this so opposite from what I intended.

[Anonymous]

OP that was a super great update.