DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

OP I am with you for most of your post, but I do think it retroactively cheapens what you said about her not spending time with you and the kids if you make your "ask" largely about sex. I would also ask for other do-able things as other PPs have said, like getting home for dinner a certain # of times per week, date nights, some amount of outsourcing.

Re the sex, I think my husband has the same complaint about frequency and here is what I would say to him, if he asked. I would be happy to have sex twice a week if he would work on the logistics to make it seem like less of an additional chore for me. Specifically, when I am putting the kids to bed, if he would do the dishes and fold the laundry, then when I come downstairs we could start hanging out then, do the deed at 9 or 9:30, then watch TV for a bit after that and then go to bed. That works much better for me than the current situation which is: I put the kids to bed and he works, I come down and clean up and do chores for an hour while he works, then we watch TV, and then when we go upstairs at 11 and I am tired he starts acting all horny and I'm like ENOUGH.

Dunno if your schedule is the same, but think about the details of the situation if getting laid is your main goal.

[Anonymous]

Women like this do NOT change and suddenly start having sex. It is a lost cause. You can go down a path of extreme frustration and eventually divorce or you can find someone that likes orgasms and start living a life in colors. Your kids will do better with you being happy.

Give up on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female here and i got a kick out of you clarifying the emotional load with the “..If that makes sense.” Oh yes, haha, it sure does. I guarantee you that at leas 3/4 of us reading are women and believe me you don’t need to explain

I have a couple of questions:

-Whose idea was it for her to go back to work?

-Be really honest: were you comfortable financially before she went back? I know you said you make 80 pc of the HHI but how much do you make? (Approx)

(I am trying to figure out her motivations here)

-Is she into sex in general? How much sex did you have before?

-Did you show appreciation before? For everything she was doing?

-How much of your joint load right now can be outsourced? Have you thought outside the box with that? For instance, think about what you can outsource even if it doesn’t feel like it might be immediately helpful with your 8pm issue. Then try to move other stuff around, which CAN be helpful with your 8pm issue.

I’ll report back with my thoughts if you answer!

This is OP.

It was always understood that she would go back to work, because she wanted to. It took her a while to get call backs and interviews and I think she will say that I was 100% supportive - more emotional support than anything else because her resume and interviewing capabilities were just fine.

When she went back to work, I was making ~$350k. My income along in the last couple years has been ~$500k. When I say that we don't need her paycheck, she wasn't going back for the money. She really loved what she was doing (still does) and she would probably work for free if they didn't pay her.

She really isn't into sex, meaning, she doesn't initiate. But she hasn't denied me when I've initiated. Prior to kids, we were probably 3x week.

Admittedly, I didn't show as much appreciation or gratitude as I could have. I probably took a lot of it for granted. That wasn't to say I was a jerk but I didn't go out of my way to thank her for what she was doing everyday for our family, our kids and me. She really is a thoughtful person and puts her heart into her work. I like to say that she cooks with TLC whereas, I just cook the food to make sure that we have something to eat.

We outsource house cleaning. We have a part time nanny. I was thinking about subscribing to some type of food delivery service - not like a Blue Apron or Hello Fresh but someone, an actual person, who actually cooks the meals and drops it off daily. I know it'll be pricier but more than anything it'll save some of the mental burden of figuring out what to eat every day. That's the hardest thing. I've standardized the kids breakfast and lunches. They eat the same thing everyday. They don't seem to mind too much but it would be nice to work in more variety (I digress).

Thank you for your questions and look forward to hearing your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women like this do NOT change and suddenly start having sex. It is a lost cause. You can go down a path of extreme frustration and eventually divorce or you can find someone that likes orgasms and start living a life in colors. Your kids will do better with you being happy.

Give up on her.

OP here. Can you please let me know if you are male or female? Sometimes I wonder about this. Are the good ol days over and do I have to trade in for a younger model to get more activity in the sack?

Before anyone gets too riled up, it's just a thought - not looking to act on it. Like I said in my original post, I love my wife. But I'm looking to improve the frequency of intimacy at the very least.

And before you all think I'm not listening, I am beginning to realize that I've lost the romance in my marriage (no date nights, no deep conversations, no meaningful connection for her), which I'm sure she feels and in turn, she doesn't get excited about sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a cleaning lady.
Set up dates nights and get a babysitter.
Do you do oral?
Are you fit?
Are you fun?

OP here.

We have a cleaning lady and I have found a trusted babysitter - just confirmed it with her last week.

Yes, yes and yes. Whenever we do have sex, I make sure that she is satisfied before I get my needs taken care of. I'm no slouch.

How long do you go after she is done. More than 5 minutes will kill your sex luge.

I try to orgasm right after hers or simultaneously wherever possible. We have good chemistry when it comes to that stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you?

We are both in our late 30's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you for most of your post, but I do think it retroactively cheapens what you said about her not spending time with you and the kids if you make your "ask" largely about sex. I would also ask for other do-able things as other PPs have said, like getting home for dinner a certain # of times per week, date nights, some amount of outsourcing.

Re the sex, I think my husband has the same complaint about frequency and here is what I would say to him, if he asked. I would be happy to have sex twice a week if he would work on the logistics to make it seem like less of an additional chore for me. Specifically, when I am putting the kids to bed, if he would do the dishes and fold the laundry, then when I come downstairs we could start hanging out then, do the deed at 9 or 9:30, then watch TV for a bit after that and then go to bed. That works much better for me than the current situation which is: I put the kids to bed and he works, I come down and clean up and do chores for an hour while he works, then we watch TV, and then when we go upstairs at 11 and I am tired he starts acting all horny and I'm like ENOUGH.

Dunno if your schedule is the same, but think about the details of the situation if getting laid is your main goal.

This is OP. Thank you for your (a female) perspective. This helps me and is enlightening. If I'm honest, I don't think of the details before sex, I just want the sex when it's time to sleep, which as you know, doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a cleaning lady.
Set up dates nights and get a babysitter.
Do you do oral?
Are you fit?
Are you fun?

OP here.

We have a cleaning lady and I have found a trusted babysitter - just confirmed it with her last week.

Yes, yes and yes. Whenever we do have sex, I make sure that she is satisfied before I get my needs taken care of. I'm no slouch.

How long do you go after she is done. More than 5 minutes will kill your sex luge.

I try to orgasm right after hers or simultaneously wherever possible. We have good chemistry when it comes to that stuff.

God bless you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be completely honest, if I was your wife and you laid all of this out for me, if would be so alienating to hear that you don't really care that we don't spend much time together outside the bedroom. I imagine it would be very hurtful that your primary interest in me as a partner is as a warm body for you to stick your penis in, and beyond that I'm largely irrelevant except to the extent that I also fawn over all of your contributions to stroke your ego. I mean, you note the lack of conversation but don't include it in your list of things you want, and that speaks volumes.

OP here. This is a fair assessment and yes it does speak volumes. Not trying to make an excuse but maybe that's the difference in needs between a man and a woman. Conversation would be great but that's a bonus to me.

Being completely honest again, that's really awful. The idea of my husband being indifferent to a conversation with me is so depressing. Why did you even get married? Because you thought it would guarantee convenient sex? She's a human being with more value than just her vagina, and if you don't see her that way too, it's no wonder she doesn't feel connected enough to you to want sex. I would feel so degraded.

[Anonymous]

Female here. I used to work between 70 and 100 hrs/week. I had sex with my husband at least 3 times/week. I was also having an affair for an entire year, because work was my way of escaping a growing discontent at home. I kept up our sex life so he wouldn't be suspicious. Finally I decided to admit to myself that we hadn't worked in a long time, and I told him that I was leaving. We have remained great friends, because he admitted that he agreed with me and there was no animosity. Our kids are happy, he's happy, and I am remarried (for almost 8 years) to someone who suits me much better, and who makes me feel happy, content, and complete. So, when you have your talk, be prepared for anything. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So out of curiousity, OP, those years she SAH, how present were you in day to day life, especially since you were “allowed to put all your energy into work”?

NP here. I don't think this is a fair comparison. When he was working on his career and she was supporting his, she was a SAHM, e.g. she had one job. Now, when she is working and he is supporting her, he is still working full-time and taking care of the household, the standard WOHP problem. He's working two jobs.

Their earlier situation was one WOHP and one SAHP. The current situation is two WOHP. In most of the homes that I know with two WOHP, the work is split somewhere between 50-50 and 75-25. However, he is saying that in their double income household the split is 90-10. Yes, I've read enough DCUM to know that there are many households with two WOHP and the DW is doing 90-100% of the household work. But in those households, the DH is at least making 75+% of the income. Here DH is making 80% of the income and doing 90% of the household work. If she had a higher income, this type of WOH job could be seen as supporting their lifestyle, but it isn't. She's working long hours, late nights, weekends and only making 20% of the household income.

Something has to give. She needs to contribute more to the household in time or money. If she is going to work these types of hours, she needs to get a higher paying job. If she isn't going to get a higher paying job, she needs to work fewer hours.

The right way to frame this is that you need more of a commitment from her to the family in time. She needs to be home for dinner at least twice a week. And she needs to spend at least 4 hours on the weekend with the family, preferably in one period (not littler periods of 30-60 minutes scattered throughout the weekend around whatever work she is doing).

As for the intimacy, I think you need to rebuild your relationship before you get to that. Frankly, strong relationships require work. You need to put time into getting to know (or renewing your knowledge) of the person and show signs of love and caring for the person. If you don't, then you are cohabitating with a FWB. That may be fine for the physical aspects of the relationship, but it doesn't do much for the family. Those types of relationships where the couple have nothing left but the sex end up divorcing as soon as the last child fledges and flies the coop. You even mention that you barely spend any time talking. You're drifting apart with her drifting more and more into work and away from you and the kids. You need to renew your friendship and then improve your physical relationship. If you don't, then be prepared to find that are just FWB cohabitating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be completely honest, if I was your wife and you laid all of this out for me, if would be so alienating to hear that you don't really care that we don't spend much time together outside the bedroom. I imagine it would be very hurtful that your primary interest in me as a partner is as a warm body for you to stick your penis in, and beyond that I'm largely irrelevant except to the extent that I also fawn over all of your contributions to stroke your ego. I mean, you note the lack of conversation but don't include it in your list of things you want, and that speaks volumes.

You enjoy your cats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you for most of your post, but I do think it retroactively cheapens what you said about her not spending time with you and the kids if you make your "ask" largely about sex. I would also ask for other do-able things as other PPs have said, like getting home for dinner a certain # of times per week, date nights, some amount of outsourcing.

Re the sex, I think my husband has the same complaint about frequency and here is what I would say to him, if he asked. I would be happy to have sex twice a week if he would work on the logistics to make it seem like less of an additional chore for me. Specifically, when I am putting the kids to bed, if he would do the dishes and fold the laundry, then when I come downstairs we could start hanging out then, do the deed at 9 or 9:30, then watch TV for a bit after that and then go to bed. That works much better for me than the current situation which is: I put the kids to bed and he works, I come down and clean up and do chores for an hour while he works, then we watch TV, and then when we go upstairs at 11 and I am tired he starts acting all horny and I'm like ENOUGH.

Dunno if your schedule is the same, but think about the details of the situation if getting laid is your main goal.

This is OP. Thank you for your (a female) perspective. This helps me and is enlightening. If I'm honest, I don't think of the details before sex, I just want the sex when it's time to sleep, which as you know, doesn't work.

Prep is key. Before sleep time, get chores done. Be all showered so she doesn't have to wait for you. send her up for a bath or shower with a glass of wine or champagne. Get her sexy stuff to read in the tub. Connect, and be efficient. She may want to watch tv afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you for most of your post, but I do think it retroactively cheapens what you said about her not spending time with you and the kids if you make your "ask" largely about sex. I would also ask for other do-able things as other PPs have said, like getting home for dinner a certain # of times per week, date nights, some amount of outsourcing.

Re the sex, I think my husband has the same complaint about frequency and here is what I would say to him, if he asked. I would be happy to have sex twice a week if he would work on the logistics to make it seem like less of an additional chore for me. Specifically, when I am putting the kids to bed, if he would do the dishes and fold the laundry, then when I come downstairs we could start hanging out then, do the deed at 9 or 9:30, then watch TV for a bit after that and then go to bed. That works much better for me than the current situation which is: I put the kids to bed and he works, I come down and clean up and do chores for an hour while he works, then we watch TV, and then when we go upstairs at 11 and I am tired he starts acting all horny and I'm like ENOUGH.

Dunno if your schedule is the same, but think about the details of the situation if getting laid is your main goal.

OMG yes! This is exactly the dynamic I have with my husband (although half the time that evening "work" is just checking his email on his phone while he watches tv). When my day has started at 7 am and I'm still cleaning up and doing for other people at 10 pm, by the time it's over I'm just effing done and want to have some peace and go to sleep. I don't have it in me to take care of someone else for yet another block of time. On the nights I'm finished with my day after the kids' bedtimes, have some time afterward to relax with my husband (and actually relax together, not having a tv show on that one of us is watching while the other does something else) and then can head up to bed before I'm falling over with exhaustion, I'm happy to have sex.