DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

I get that it's her turn to reetablish her career. But missing dinner 90% of the time with her family is not okay. That makes me sad for the kids. I think she is working too much if that is the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you for most of your post, but I do think it retroactively cheapens what you said about her not spending time with you and the kids if you make your "ask" largely about sex. I would also ask for other do-able things as other PPs have said, like getting home for dinner a certain # of times per week, date nights, some amount of outsourcing.

Re the sex, I think my husband has the same complaint about frequency and here is what I would say to him, if he asked. I would be happy to have sex twice a week if he would work on the logistics to make it seem like less of an additional chore for me. Specifically, when I am putting the kids to bed, if he would do the dishes and fold the laundry, then when I come downstairs we could start hanging out then, do the deed at 9 or 9:30, then watch TV for a bit after that and then go to bed. That works much better for me than the current situation which is: I put the kids to bed and he works, I come down and clean up and do chores for an hour while he works, then we watch TV, and then when we go upstairs at 11 and I am tired he starts acting all horny and I'm like ENOUGH.

Dunno if your schedule is the same, but think about the details of the situation if getting laid is your main goal.

This is OP. Thank you for your (a female) perspective. This helps me and is enlightening. If I'm honest, I don't think of the details before sex, I just want the sex when it's time to sleep, which as you know, doesn't work.

Prep is key. Before sleep time, get chores done. Be all showered so she doesn't have to wait for you. send her up for a bath or shower with a glass of wine or champagne. Get her sexy stuff to read in the tub. Connect, and be efficient. She may want to watch tv afterwards.

Please don't send her up for a bath with sexy stuff to read. There is nothing relaxing about taking a bath (or doing anything else ostensibly relaxing) when you know the other person is only suggesting it because they expect sex afterward.

What? Right now he wants sex at sleeptime. I'm assuming she actually wants to have sex with him too. This is prep just like a date night. Where they both want a night that works. This isn't shuttling her up to wash her privates so that he gets some. Sorry if I made it sound like that. We are steering OP away from that mentality!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you for most of your post, but I do think it retroactively cheapens what you said about her not spending time with you and the kids if you make your "ask" largely about sex. I would also ask for other do-able things as other PPs have said, like getting home for dinner a certain # of times per week, date nights, some amount of outsourcing.

Re the sex, I think my husband has the same complaint about frequency and here is what I would say to him, if he asked. I would be happy to have sex twice a week if he would work on the logistics to make it seem like less of an additional chore for me. Specifically, when I am putting the kids to bed, if he would do the dishes and fold the laundry, then when I come downstairs we could start hanging out then, do the deed at 9 or 9:30, then watch TV for a bit after that and then go to bed. That works much better for me than the current situation which is: I put the kids to bed and he works, I come down and clean up and do chores for an hour while he works, then we watch TV, and then when we go upstairs at 11 and I am tired he starts acting all horny and I'm like ENOUGH.

Dunno if your schedule is the same, but think about the details of the situation if getting laid is your main goal.

This is OP. Thank you for your (a female) perspective. This helps me and is enlightening. If I'm honest, I don't think of the details before sex, I just want the sex when it's time to sleep, which as you know, doesn't work.

Prep is key. Before sleep time, get chores done. Be all showered so she doesn't have to wait for you. send her up for a bath or shower with a glass of wine or champagne. Get her sexy stuff to read in the tub. Connect, and be efficient. She may want to watch tv afterwards.

Please don't send her up for a bath with sexy stuff to read. There is nothing relaxing about taking a bath (or doing anything else ostensibly relaxing) when you know the other person is only suggesting it because they expect sex afterward.

What? Right now he wants sex at sleeptime. I'm assuming she actually wants to have sex with him too. This is prep just like a date night. Where they both want a night that works. This isn't shuttling her up to wash her privates so that he gets some. Sorry if I made it sound like that. We are steering OP away from that mentality!

The problem with doing a specific thing (in this case, sending her up to take a bath while he does the rest of he chores, whether there’s sexy reading homework or not) in the hopes that she’ll want sex later, is that if he initiates sex every time he gives her that break in the even8ng, she’s going to figure out really fast that the “favor” he’s doing for her comes with the ulterior motive of getting sex later. The bath immediately ceases to be relaxing “her” time and becomes a pressured thing where she feels like she can only take him up on it if she’s willing to put out later. If she’s had a really rough day and is just too tired for sex, she’d better not take him up on the bath offer because it comes with the obligation to be pawed at later, so the bath really isn’t about her and her needs, it’s about getting her primed for his needs.

Sending up sexy reading homework just makes the ulterior motive that much more obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She supported you, per your own admission. It is your turn now. It isn't easy to re-establish a career after you are out of the workforce for several years.

This is such crap. If the DW were the one typing this you'd all tell him to get himself home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and go back to work after the kids are in bed if he has more work to do on those nights. And you'd tell the DW to stop doing all the house stuff for him and talk to him about how he needs to find some time just like she does to help him pick up some of the slack. You would all rally behind her and say how she needs to remind him that having two incomes means you both pitch in equally, etc. This is just utter crap.[/quote

Different poster, and maybe you are right if it weren't for this paragraph:
"To be fair, she stayed home for 7 years after we had our first child and supported me through my career which directly allowed me to put all my energy into my work. I know she is trying to make up for "lost" time and I don't mind that she works but getting home at 8pm or later everyday does not a happy home make. That said, she really loves what she does and it shows. She pours her heart and soul into her work and that leaves very little for us at home. What is leftover goes to the kids. I get the scraps which is to say, I don't get no lovin."

1. She is doing what he did--pouring all her energy into works and 2. He is resentful that he doesn't have a built in maid and nanny for his kids and he now has to do the work he missed out on previously. and 3. They have sex once a week, he said, so he is not getting none.

What this poster is doing is wrapping his resentment and double standard up in pretty writing and a nice package: I do all the work, I make most of the money, look at my thoughtful responses,blah blah Right under that packaging about sex, communication, and family dinners, is the truth and real problem, though: he wants things the way they used to be when his wife wasn't working.

He doesn't want to fix the current problem; he wants a time machine.
And ps. Get the au pair. I wouldn't worry that some attractive, young lady is dying to jump all over your jock and take over this mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She supported you, per your own admission. It is your turn now. It isn't easy to re-establish a career after you are out of the workforce for several years.

This is such crap. If the DW were the one typing this you'd all tell him to get himself home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and go back to work after the kids are in bed if he has more work to do on those nights. And you'd tell the DW to stop doing all the house stuff for him and talk to him about how he needs to find some time just like she does to help him pick up some of the slack. You would all rally behind her and say how she needs to remind him that having two incomes means you both pitch in equally, etc. This is just utter crap.[/quote

Different poster, and maybe you are right if it weren't for this paragraph:
"To be fair, she stayed home for 7 years after we had our first child and supported me through my career which directly allowed me to put all my energy into my work. I know she is trying to make up for "lost" time and I don't mind that she works but getting home at 8pm or later everyday does not a happy home make. That said, she really loves what she does and it shows. She pours her heart and soul into her work and that leaves very little for us at home. What is leftover goes to the kids. I get the scraps which is to say, I don't get no lovin."

1. She is doing what he did--pouring all her energy into works and 2. He is resentful that he doesn't have a built in maid and nanny for his kids and he now has to do the work he missed out on previously. and 3. They have sex once a week, he said, so he is not getting none.

What this poster is doing is wrapping his resentment and double standard up in pretty writing and a nice package: I do all the work, I make most of the money, look at my thoughtful responses,blah blah Right under that packaging about sex, communication, and family dinners, is the truth and real problem, though: he wants things the way they used to be when his wife wasn't working.

He doesn't want to fix the current problem; he wants a time machine.
And ps. Get the au pair. I wouldn't worry that some attractive, young lady is dying to jump all over your jock and take over this mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that it's her turn to reetablish her career. But missing dinner 90% of the time with her family is not okay. That makes me sad for the kids. I think she is working too much if that is the case.

Ditto for all the men that do the same thing but it is somehow acceptable.

She probably thinks being home 3-4 nights a week for dinner is fine since the 99% does not include Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe you OP about the money. I think you are a neighbor and you are unemployed and I think you wrote this about not having sex and threw in the income figure so that no one questioned your worth in this forum.

I agree with you. What kind of job pays you half a million dollars a year but lets you waltz out the door at 5 or 6 every single night with no need to do any work later that evening or on weekends so that you can also do 90% of the work of running a household and be a super engaged parent/partner while you do it? Especially one that lets you go from longer hours with travel to this strictly reduced schedule and no travel without taking any kind of comp hit?

[Anonymous]

You actually sound thoughtful and well-reasoned to me, and like you are invested in supporting her.

I think the advice to lead with saying you miss your connection as a couple, and as a family, is the way to go. Tell her your proud of her devotion to work, and glad that after sacrificing for your family, she’s found something she’s passionate about. Recognize that there’s a lot on her plate (she’s likely still doing a lot for your family that you don’t immediately realize, like coordinating logistics or being the emotional touchstone, and that sh$t can wear on a person). Then tell her what you’re struggling with, emphasizing that you really value your relationship and family time, and the impact on that has been harder on you than you anticipated. Ask her is room for any changes to help with that. Have some suggestions ready (regularly home for some weeknight dinners, date night, sex 2x a week - suggesting aiming for a particular day). Ask what you might do to make those things easier for you. Make it a serious conversation, so she really knows you’re struggling, but approach it in a non-accusatory manner and more of a joint-problem-solving exercise. If necessary, give her time to think about what you’ve presented and set a time to follow up.

I’m a woman, and hear you on the sex. If you’re not going to be around to talk to me much, a little physical intimacy will go a long way to make me feel like a valued partner. DH and I are also in a place where it’s only happening weekly bc we are both tired and preoccupied during the week, but I’m about to have a similar conversation asking if we can prioritize some couple time at least once mid-week.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you get a male au pair? Lots of people do this with elementary age kids, especially if you have boys. He can run the kids ragged after school playing soccer and then help you make dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe you OP about the money. I think you are a neighbor and you are unemployed and I think you wrote this about not having sex and threw in the income figure so that no one questioned your worth in this forum.

I agree with you. What kind of job pays you half a million dollars a year but lets you waltz out the door at 5 or 6 every single night with no need to do any work later that evening or on weekends so that you can also do 90% of the work of running a household and be a super engaged parent/partner while you do it? Especially one that lets you go from longer hours with travel to this strictly reduced schedule and no travel without taking any kind of comp hit?

I’ll just say that this is basically what my DH did. Went from a big law partner making $1.3M a year working crazy hours and traveling all the time to a partner at a smaller law firm making $600K but working pretty normal hours and almost never traveling. Buying back his life cost him a pretty penny, but it was money well spent.

[Anonymous]

"Prior to kids, we had sex 3x a week". So did everyone else. That was what, 10 years ago, if you have elementary schoolers?

[Anonymous]

I don't know...I disagree a little with others here. Does her career have a lot of potential salary increases? If not...

In our family, we honestly prioritize the one whose job brings home the most money and conversely, the one whose income we need the most. DH helps but I do most sick days, doctors appointments, etc. Things that could impact my reliability and performance at work. It isn't ideal, but my idealistic days are behind me and I know I don't have the energy or motivation for some dream job out there, so this works for us. I still make good money, so I can't complain.

So, while it's ok that OP has to step in often, it's not ok that his work is suffering when they need his salary.

With that said, my DH works equally at home once he is home. We have outsourced all we can, to avoid disagreements. And we do make time to get away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe you OP about the money. I think you are a neighbor and you are unemployed and I think you wrote this about not having sex and threw in the income figure so that no one questioned your worth in this forum.

I agree with you. What kind of job pays you half a million dollars a year but lets you waltz out the door at 5 or 6 every single night with no need to do any work later that evening or on weekends so that you can also do 90% of the work of running a household and be a super engaged parent/partner while you do it? Especially one that lets you go from longer hours with travel to this strictly reduced schedule and no travel without taking any kind of comp hit?

I’ll just say that this is basically what my DH did. Went from a big law partner making $1.3M a year working crazy hours and traveling all the time to a partner at a smaller law firm making $600K but working pretty normal hours and almost never traveling. Buying back his life cost him a pretty penny, but it was money well spent.

But based on what OP posted, this isn't what he's done. $500k has been his peak earnings, and he's supposedly done it *while* scaling back at work. Doesn't add up.

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to figure out what I want because I'm dissatisfied at the status quo. Here is what I think I want:
- More intimacy - at least 2x a week
- I want to be prioritized and feel appreciated for my contributions

Writing this out has helped me organize my thoughts and this may sound crude but I just want to get laid more frequently and I think that will help dissolve my growing disappointment about the inequity of the household responsibilities.


OMG. Has anyone else noticed that almost every post by a man on here is some complaint about frequency of SEX? Why do they think that is the most important thing in LIFE? It's so annoying and bizarre. What if their wives had some disease where she couldn't have sex at all anymore? They'd just dump her on the roadside????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe you OP about the money. I think you are a neighbor and you are unemployed and I think you wrote this about not having sex and threw in the income figure so that no one questioned your worth in this forum.

I agree with you. What kind of job pays you half a million dollars a year but lets you waltz out the door at 5 or 6 every single night with no need to do any work later that evening or on weekends so that you can also do 90% of the work of running a household and be a super engaged parent/partner while you do it? Especially one that lets you go from longer hours with travel to this strictly reduced schedule and no travel without taking any kind of comp hit?

Eh my husband has a job like that except he actually makes more ~ 750k and we live in a very LCOL area (not DC). Very minimal travel and he can leave work for school events, etc. and come back without anyone questioning him. He works in finance. He could easily go to Wall Street and make 2x or 3x as much but then he knows he would lose his great hours and flexibility (plus he'd most likely have a longer commute and we'd obviously have to contend with a much higher cost of living).

He's been at his company for a long time and built up a good reputation which is why he has these kinds of perks, including 6 weeks off.