Reply to DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Female here and i got a kick out of you clarifying the emotional load with the “..If that makes sense.” Oh yes, haha, it sure does. I guarantee you that at leas 3/4 of us reading are women and believe me you don’t need to explain ;)

I have a couple of questions:

-Whose idea was it for her to go back to work?

-Be really honest: were you comfortable financially before she went back? I know you said you make 80 pc of the HHI but how much do you make? (Approx)

(I am trying to figure out her motivations here)

-Is she into sex in general? How much sex did you have before?

-Did you show appreciation before? For everything she was doing?

-How much of your joint load right now can be outsourced? Have you thought outside the box with that? For instance, think about what you can outsource even if it doesn’t feel like it might be immediately helpful with your 8pm issue. Then try to move other stuff around, which CAN be helpful with your 8pm issue.

I’ll report back with my thoughts if you answer![/quote]

This is OP.

It was always understood that she would go back to work, because she wanted to.  It took her a while to get call backs and interviews and I think she will say that I was 100% supportive - more emotional support than anything else because her resume and interviewing capabilities were just fine.

When she went back to work, I was making ~$350k.  My income along in the last couple years has been ~$500k.  When I say that we don't need her paycheck, she wasn't going back for the money.  She really loved what she was doing (still does) and she would probably work for free if they didn't pay her.

She really isn't into sex, meaning, she doesn't initiate.  But she hasn't denied me when I've initiated.  Prior to kids, we were probably 3x week.

Admittedly, I didn't show as much appreciation or gratitude as I could have.  I probably took a lot of it for granted.  That wasn't to say I was a jerk but I didn't go out of my way to thank her for what she was doing everyday for our family, our kids and me.  She really is a thoughtful person and puts her heart into her work.  I like to say that she cooks with TLC whereas, I just cook the food to make sure that we have something to eat.

We outsource house cleaning.  We have a part time nanny.  I was thinking about subscribing to some type of food delivery service - not like a Blue Apron or Hello Fresh but someone, an actual person, who actually cooks the meals and drops it off daily.  I know it'll be pricier but more than anything it'll save some of the mental burden of figuring out what to eat every day.  That's the hardest thing.  I've standardized the kids breakfast and lunches.  They eat the same thing everyday.  They don't seem to mind too much but it would be nice to work in more variety (I digress).

Thank you for your questions and look forward to hearing your thoughts.
[/quote]

You make 500k and are holding down the house? I'd fu$k you 3 ways till Sunday.  Lots of women would.  Don't ever forget that.[/quote]

I'll fight you for him. [/quote]

I’m the one who initially asked you all of these questions. I do think that if you are truly making 500k and doing almost all of the work around the house, there’s a real problem here. Is there any chance at all that maybe you don’t understand how much else there is to do, and perhaps she is shouldering burdens that you aren’t completely aware of? For instance, I do alllllll kinds of stuff that I guarantee my husband has no idea about. Your comment about the mental load makes me think that this is probably not the case but I figured I’d throw it out there anyway.

Why don’t you get an au pair? That’s what you need. She can be your extra hand in the mornings, evenings, take care of all of the kid stuff. If you have a good au pair you would be shocked at how much easier life your life could be. Or a part time nanny who comes every single day after school and stays through bedtime.

Another tip for you is galley for the meals. Blue Apron and similar take forever and aren’t worth the tome. Go for galley, or at least plan out in advance who is going to get takeout and what they will bring home. Also, keep your freezer stocked with some pre made pasta dishes from an Italian deli. No clue where you live but we do this from the Italian gourmet in Vienna. You can throw them in the oven when you don’t know what else to do for dinner and all of a sudden you have a home cooked (ish) tasty Italian meal for no effort. I also keep a ton of frozen broccoli on hand, and I mix with olive oil, salt, pepper and garlic (from a jar, haha) and cook for 30 at 350. It will taste very close to fresh roasted broccoli and involves zero pre planning.

Back to your wife. You have gotten some good advice here, but I think the key is to realize that you are dealing with two completely different issues. I really don’t think the sex is as linked to the other stuff as you think. And in some ways, I don’t think the other stuff is your biggest issue. I think you’re pissed (understandably) about the lack of sex and it’s making the other stuff seem worse to you. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I think you absolutely have reason to be pissed about the other stuff on its own, but for whatever reason you aren’t.

So:

1. Outsource, outsource, outsource. You can make up for her lack of contribution by outsourcing. And her salary can probably cover it all so it’s a win win.

2. Follow some of the relationship advice that others gave you in regards to couple time etc. talk to her about what you need. But don’t mention the household stuff. Pick your battles and it sounds like your top priority is sex, so focus on it. (No judgment, I like sex too!).

3. Once you get to a better place, try to see if you can get her to have a better work life balance. Maybe see if she’d be willing to work PT. I assume that’s not an option bc you probably would have already, but you never know.

It sounds like you do love and respect your wife. Try to make it work. Good luck![/quote]

OP here.

Thanks for following up with your thoughts.  I recognize that it takes time to write out these responses so thank you to all of you, especially PP for the thoughtful response.

There is stuff that DW handles that burns mental calories (e.g. scheduling after school activities which I ultimately have to chauffeur and attend, doctors appointments, etc).  Yes, you're right, I may not be ware of everything.  But outside of that, I take care of the monthly bills, car maintenance including putting gas in the cars every week, and house issues (lawn, appliance issues, etc).  No sense in playing tit for tat - I understand your point that DW is thinking about our family.  She may not have the mental capacity or throughput to handle as much as I do presently and it's never a 50/50 split down the middle.  I hear the other posters when they say that this is my time to suck it up.

Re:au pair, that seems over the top that would change the way we live our lives.  I don't want another young lady living in my house, especially if she is attractive.  Not saying anything would happen but I don't want to put myself and my marriage to the test.

Re: galley, I'll look into that.  Just checked out their website and it looks like something I could take advantage of at least once a week if I don't have any ideas for dinner.  Also, I'm in NoVa and not too far away from Vienna.  I'll check out the Italian Gourmet place.  I got my kids started on broccoli and use the same ingredients inside our steam oven.  Thanks for the suggestions!

You're right about the lack of sex making the other things worse.  I feel real resentment building up and I know that it's not healthy.  I think you're right about these being two different issues - too much stuff for me to do around the house and separately, the lack of intimacy.

Thanks for your advice.  I'll incorporate those ideas into my conversation, especially separating out the topics of household chores and sex.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics