DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

Aww you two seem sweet! Just say “I’ve got your back and can support 100%, but you are afriaid she has crossed into unhealthy work/life balance.

[Anonymous]

How long has your wife been working this schedule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be completely honest, if I was your wife and you laid all of this out for me, if would be so alienating to hear that you don't really care that we don't spend much time together outside the bedroom. I imagine it would be very hurtful that your primary interest in me as a partner is as a warm body for you to stick your penis in, and beyond that I'm largely irrelevant except to the extent that I also fawn over all of your contributions to stroke your ego. I mean, you note the lack of conversation but don't include it in your list of things you want, and that speaks volumes.

OP here. This is a fair assessment and yes it does speak volumes. Not trying to make an excuse but maybe that's the difference in needs between a man and a woman. Conversation would be great but that's a bonus to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So out of curiousity, OP, those years she SAH, how present were you in day to day life, especially since you were “allowed to put all your energy into work”?

OP here. I traveled a lot for work but when I was home, I was present and a participating member of our household. Not to the extent that I was today. The main difference is that my DW as the air traffic controller ensuring everything got done. As I've learned, the execution part of it is burdensome but it's the mental burden of ensuring that everything gets covered that is more taxing I believe, if that makes sense. She bore that mental burden during the time she was at home.

[Anonymous]

Once a week for a couple married long enough to have two elementary school kids is normal.

When she was a SAHM with two little kids, how much did you do around the house or with the kids? Were you always home for dinner and available to her for whatever she might want to discuss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How big of you that you "don't mind that she works." Seven years of prioritizing your career alone, and you're going to issue an ultimatum about how often you get your d*ck wet?

OP here. This is a fair point and something that I need to hear. But please don't mistake it, I'm not issuing an ultimatum. I'm looking to re-calibrate my expectations (if that's the right word) for my conversation with DW.

May I ask if you are a male or female? I am looking to understand the female perspective on this issue so that I can be fair balanced to my DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's your turn to support her, but I think it's reasonable to ask for some concessions. I.e. On Friday, she's home by 5 PM and one Friday a month you two have a date night.

Ask for small things; don't mention that you think this would all be fixed if you got laid more. That's not going to resonate with her.

This is OP. Thank you for articulating this for me. I do think that date nights are important and that has fallen off for us. I want her to be excited about "getting laid" (lol) but I know that I have to work on the romance portion to get her excited about it. Thanks for the reminder and I will bring this up in my conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female here. I would phrase it as looking for more time to connect as husband and wife. Maybe look at setting up date nights, or sporadic weekend getaways. Once you get more time together established, then talk about ways to find more work/family time balance.

This is OP. Thank you for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have to be enthusiastic about the sex? Or can she lie back and think of England?

This is OP. I would obviously prefer enthusiastic sex but I don't mind her lying there thinking about whatever she wants to think about. That said, if it were the latter, I suppose I would probably be here complaining about that and asking about how to get her more enthusiastic. Ha!

[Anonymous]

Female here and i got a kick out of you clarifying the emotional load with the “..If that makes sense.” Oh yes, haha, it sure does. I guarantee you that at leas 3/4 of us reading are women and believe me you don’t need to explain

I have a couple of questions:

-Whose idea was it for her to go back to work?

-Be really honest: were you comfortable financially before she went back? I know you said you make 80 pc of the HHI but how much do you make? (Approx)

(I am trying to figure out her motivations here)

-Is she into sex in general? How much sex did you have before?

-Did you show appreciation before? For everything she was doing?

-How much of your joint load right now can be outsourced? Have you thought outside the box with that? For instance, think about what you can outsource even if it doesn’t feel like it might be immediately helpful with your 8pm issue. Then try to move other stuff around, which CAN be helpful with your 8pm issue.

I’ll report back with my thoughts if you answer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a cleaning lady.
Set up dates nights and get a babysitter.
Do you do oral?
Are you fit?
Are you fun?

OP here.

We have a cleaning lady and I have found a trusted babysitter - just confirmed it with her last week.

Yes, yes and yes. Whenever we do have sex, I make sure that she is satisfied before I get my needs taken care of. I'm no slouch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has your wife been working this schedule?

OP here...3 years.

[Anonymous]

Go pleasure yourself
The current schedule that you are complaining about is pretty typical
You have no case to complain re: that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a cleaning lady.
Set up dates nights and get a babysitter.
Do you do oral?
Are you fit?
Are you fun?

OP here.

We have a cleaning lady and I have found a trusted babysitter - just confirmed it with her last week.

Yes, yes and yes. Whenever we do have sex, I make sure that she is satisfied before I get my needs taken care of. I'm no slouch.

How long do you go after she is done. More than 5 minutes will kill your sex luge.

[Anonymous]

^^^^ life