DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am with you for most of your post, but I do think it retroactively cheapens what you said about her not spending time with you and the kids if you make your "ask" largely about sex. I would also ask for other do-able things as other PPs have said, like getting home for dinner a certain # of times per week, date nights, some amount of outsourcing.

Re the sex, I think my husband has the same complaint about frequency and here is what I would say to him, if he asked. I would be happy to have sex twice a week if he would work on the logistics to make it seem like less of an additional chore for me. Specifically, when I am putting the kids to bed, if he would do the dishes and fold the laundry, then when I come downstairs we could start hanging out then, do the deed at 9 or 9:30, then watch TV for a bit after that and then go to bed. That works much better for me than the current situation which is: I put the kids to bed and he works, I come down and clean up and do chores for an hour while he works, then we watch TV, and then when we go upstairs at 11 and I am tired he starts acting all horny and I'm like ENOUGH.

Dunno if your schedule is the same, but think about the details of the situation if getting laid is your main goal.

This is OP. Thank you for your (a female) perspective. This helps me and is enlightening. If I'm honest, I don't think of the details before sex, I just want the sex when it's time to sleep, which as you know, doesn't work.

Prep is key. Before sleep time, get chores done. Be all showered so she doesn't have to wait for you. send her up for a bath or shower with a glass of wine or champagne. Get her sexy stuff to read in the tub. Connect, and be efficient. She may want to watch tv afterwards.

Please don't send her up for a bath with sexy stuff to read. There is nothing relaxing about taking a bath (or doing anything else ostensibly relaxing) when you know the other person is only suggesting it because they expect sex afterward.

[Anonymous]

She needs to take on the equivalent load of her income contributions. Stupid roi on her part, she needs a wake-up call. Women don't work that much naturally so she will snap. It's science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female here and i got a kick out of you clarifying the emotional load with the “..If that makes sense.” Oh yes, haha, it sure does. I guarantee you that at leas 3/4 of us reading are women and believe me you don’t need to explain

I have a couple of questions:

-Whose idea was it for her to go back to work?

-Be really honest: were you comfortable financially before she went back? I know you said you make 80 pc of the HHI but how much do you make? (Approx)

(I am trying to figure out her motivations here)

-Is she into sex in general? How much sex did you have before?

-Did you show appreciation before? For everything she was doing?

-How much of your joint load right now can be outsourced? Have you thought outside the box with that? For instance, think about what you can outsource even if it doesn’t feel like it might be immediately helpful with your 8pm issue. Then try to move other stuff around, which CAN be helpful with your 8pm issue.

I’ll report back with my thoughts if you answer!

This is OP.

It was always understood that she would go back to work, because she wanted to. It took her a while to get call backs and interviews and I think she will say that I was 100% supportive - more emotional support than anything else because her resume and interviewing capabilities were just fine.

When she went back to work, I was making ~$350k. My income along in the last couple years has been ~$500k. When I say that we don't need her paycheck, she wasn't going back for the money. She really loved what she was doing (still does) and she would probably work for free if they didn't pay her.

She really isn't into sex, meaning, she doesn't initiate. But she hasn't denied me when I've initiated. Prior to kids, we were probably 3x week.

Admittedly, I didn't show as much appreciation or gratitude as I could have. I probably took a lot of it for granted. That wasn't to say I was a jerk but I didn't go out of my way to thank her for what she was doing everyday for our family, our kids and me. She really is a thoughtful person and puts her heart into her work. I like to say that she cooks with TLC whereas, I just cook the food to make sure that we have something to eat.

We outsource house cleaning. We have a part time nanny. I was thinking about subscribing to some type of food delivery service - not like a Blue Apron or Hello Fresh but someone, an actual person, who actually cooks the meals and drops it off daily. I know it'll be pricier but more than anything it'll save some of the mental burden of figuring out what to eat every day. That's the hardest thing. I've standardized the kids breakfast and lunches. They eat the same thing everyday. They don't seem to mind too much but it would be nice to work in more variety (I digress).

Thank you for your questions and look forward to hearing your thoughts.

You make 500k and are holding down the house? I'd fu$k you 3 ways till Sunday. Lots of women would. Don't ever forget that.

[Anonymous]

I don't see how it's fair in any way that she doesn't bring in the money, doesn't do anything in the house, doesn't do anything with the kids, and isn't there for you in bed.

On the other hand, tbh, sex once a week with little kids sounds normal.

I'm female.

[Anonymous]

Almost like starting over. People change over time. Get to know each other again. Reconnect. Say you miss her.

Any of us here are just guessing at why the frequency of sex has decreased. I know the frequency of sex is your priority, but you will need to prioritize the communication part to remedy the sex part. You will need to discuss this with her. Maybe the tub thing works for her, maybe not. Maybe she wants romancing, maybe that seems like more work to her. Maybe she needs more down time. Maybe there are health issues to address. Start with getting more time to communicate with each other.

[Anonymous]

$500K

Get a nanny ffs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female here and i got a kick out of you clarifying the emotional load with the “..If that makes sense.” Oh yes, haha, it sure does. I guarantee you that at leas 3/4 of us reading are women and believe me you don’t need to explain

I have a couple of questions:

-Whose idea was it for her to go back to work?

-Be really honest: were you comfortable financially before she went back? I know you said you make 80 pc of the HHI but how much do you make? (Approx)

(I am trying to figure out her motivations here)

-Is she into sex in general? How much sex did you have before?

-Did you show appreciation before? For everything she was doing?

-How much of your joint load right now can be outsourced? Have you thought outside the box with that? For instance, think about what you can outsource even if it doesn’t feel like it might be immediately helpful with your 8pm issue. Then try to move other stuff around, which CAN be helpful with your 8pm issue.

I’ll report back with my thoughts if you answer!

This is OP.

It was always understood that she would go back to work, because she wanted to. It took her a while to get call backs and interviews and I think she will say that I was 100% supportive - more emotional support than anything else because her resume and interviewing capabilities were just fine.

When she went back to work, I was making ~$350k. My income along in the last couple years has been ~$500k. When I say that we don't need her paycheck, she wasn't going back for the money. She really loved what she was doing (still does) and she would probably work for free if they didn't pay her.

She really isn't into sex, meaning, she doesn't initiate. But she hasn't denied me when I've initiated. Prior to kids, we were probably 3x week.

Admittedly, I didn't show as much appreciation or gratitude as I could have. I probably took a lot of it for granted. That wasn't to say I was a jerk but I didn't go out of my way to thank her for what she was doing everyday for our family, our kids and me. She really is a thoughtful person and puts her heart into her work. I like to say that she cooks with TLC whereas, I just cook the food to make sure that we have something to eat.

We outsource house cleaning. We have a part time nanny. I was thinking about subscribing to some type of food delivery service - not like a Blue Apron or Hello Fresh but someone, an actual person, who actually cooks the meals and drops it off daily. I know it'll be pricier but more than anything it'll save some of the mental burden of figuring out what to eat every day. That's the hardest thing. I've standardized the kids breakfast and lunches. They eat the same thing everyday. They don't seem to mind too much but it would be nice to work in more variety (I digress).

Thank you for your questions and look forward to hearing your thoughts.

You make 500k and are holding down the house? I'd fu$k you 3 ways till Sunday. Lots of women would. Don't ever forget that.

I'll fight you for him.

[Anonymous]

How long has she been leaning in, OP? This is an important point...

[Anonymous]

OP, if you make that much money and you feel stretched, OF COURSE you should have someone do all the cooking for you. You should hire people and pay money to make everything easier for everyone. It's stupid not to. Considering your wife prioritized you for SEVEN YEARS I'd say you owe her at least 3 years of figuring it out without complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife works more than I think is comfortable for our marriage. We have two elementary school aged kids and have been married for 10+ years.

When I say that she works too much, here is what I mean.
1) The kids and I have dinner without her for 90% of the weekdays
2) We don't have/make time to talk about what's going on in our lives and the kids lives because she's spent after work
3) We are intimate only once a week because she's so tired
4) Here is the vent portion: I do 90% of the cooking, dishes, garbage, grocery shopping, etc during the week. We typically eat out on the weekends because I don't want to cook or do dishes and it's easier so there is little burden on her on the weekends as well

The crazy part for me, is that I bring in 80% of our income and my job is suffering because I have to take care of all the household activities. To be fair, she stayed home for 7 years after we had our first child and supported me through my career which directly allowed me to put all my energy into my work. I know she is trying to make up for "lost" time and I don't mind that she works but getting home at 8pm or later everyday does not a happy home make. That said, she really loves what she does and it shows. She pours her heart and soul into her work and that leaves very little for us at home. What is leftover goes to the kids. I get the scraps which is to say, I don't get no lovin.

I'm trying to figure out what I want because I'm dissatisfied at the status quo. Here is what I think I want:
- More intimacy - at least 2x a week
- I want to be prioritized and feel appreciated for my contributions

Writing this out has helped me organize my thoughts and this may sound crude but I just want to get laid more frequently and I think that will help dissolve my growing disappointment about the inequity of the household responsibilities.

For the record, I do love her and am committed to the relationship but there is a growing discontent within me. I'm planning on having a conversation with her this weekend but wanted to organize my thoughts beforehand.

So, what say you DCUM? Any advice would be appreciated on how to bring this up in a conversation or any ideas on how to deal with my growing discontent with my wife/marriage. If in your reply, you could identify as male or female before providing your advice, I would appreciate it.

I hope she considers your needs.
People need to acknowledge that "work like balance" is a myth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female here and i got a kick out of you clarifying the emotional load with the “..If that makes sense.” Oh yes, haha, it sure does. I guarantee you that at leas 3/4 of us reading are women and believe me you don’t need to explain

I have a couple of questions:

-Whose idea was it for her to go back to work?

-Be really honest: were you comfortable financially before she went back? I know you said you make 80 pc of the HHI but how much do you make? (Approx)

(I am trying to figure out her motivations here)

-Is she into sex in general? How much sex did you have before?

-Did you show appreciation before? For everything she was doing?

-How much of your joint load right now can be outsourced? Have you thought outside the box with that? For instance, think about what you can outsource even if it doesn’t feel like it might be immediately helpful with your 8pm issue. Then try to move other stuff around, which CAN be helpful with your 8pm issue.

I’ll report back with my thoughts if you answer!

This is OP.

It was always understood that she would go back to work, because she wanted to. It took her a while to get call backs and interviews and I think she will say that I was 100% supportive - more emotional support than anything else because her resume and interviewing capabilities were just fine.

When she went back to work, I was making ~$350k. My income along in the last couple years has been ~$500k. When I say that we don't need her paycheck, she wasn't going back for the money. She really loved what she was doing (still does) and she would probably work for free if they didn't pay her.

She really isn't into sex, meaning, she doesn't initiate. But she hasn't denied me when I've initiated. Prior to kids, we were probably 3x week.

Admittedly, I didn't show as much appreciation or gratitude as I could have. I probably took a lot of it for granted. That wasn't to say I was a jerk but I didn't go out of my way to thank her for what she was doing everyday for our family, our kids and me. She really is a thoughtful person and puts her heart into her work. I like to say that she cooks with TLC whereas, I just cook the food to make sure that we have something to eat.

We outsource house cleaning. We have a part time nanny. I was thinking about subscribing to some type of food delivery service - not like a Blue Apron or Hello Fresh but someone, an actual person, who actually cooks the meals and drops it off daily. I know it'll be pricier but more than anything it'll save some of the mental burden of figuring out what to eat every day. That's the hardest thing. I've standardized the kids breakfast and lunches. They eat the same thing everyday. They don't seem to mind too much but it would be nice to work in more variety (I digress).

Thank you for your questions and look forward to hearing your thoughts.

You make 500k and are holding down the house? I'd fu$k you 3 ways till Sunday. Lots of women would. Don't ever forget that.

I'll fight you for him.

I’m the one who initially asked you all of these questions. I do think that if you are truly making 500k and doing almost all of the work around the house, there’s a real problem here. Is there any chance at all that maybe you don’t understand how much else there is to do, and perhaps she is shouldering burdens that you aren’t completely aware of? For instance, I do alllllll kinds of stuff that I guarantee my husband has no idea about. Your comment about the mental load makes me think that this is probably not the case but I figured I’d throw it out there anyway.

Why don’t you get an au pair? That’s what you need. She can be your extra hand in the mornings, evenings, take care of all of the kid stuff. If you have a good au pair you would be shocked at how much easier life your life could be. Or a part time nanny who comes every single day after school and stays through bedtime.

Another tip for you is galley for the meals. Blue Apron and similar take forever and aren’t worth the tome. Go for galley, or at least plan out in advance who is going to get takeout and what they will bring home. Also, keep your freezer stocked with some pre made pasta dishes from an Italian deli. No clue where you live but we do this from the Italian gourmet in Vienna. You can throw them in the oven when you don’t know what else to do for dinner and all of a sudden you have a home cooked (ish) tasty Italian meal for no effort. I also keep a ton of frozen broccoli on hand, and I mix with olive oil, salt, pepper and garlic (from a jar, haha) and cook for 30 at 350. It will taste very close to fresh roasted broccoli and involves zero pre planning.

Back to your wife. You have gotten some good advice here, but I think the key is to realize that you are dealing with two completely different issues. I really don’t think the sex is as linked to the other stuff as you think. And in some ways, I don’t think the other stuff is your biggest issue. I think you’re pissed (understandably) about the lack of sex and it’s making the other stuff seem worse to you. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I think you absolutely have reason to be pissed about the other stuff on its own, but for whatever reason you aren’t.

So:

1. Outsource, outsource, outsource. You can make up for her lack of contribution by outsourcing. And her salary can probably cover it all so it’s a win win.

2. Follow some of the relationship advice that others gave you in regards to couple time etc. talk to her about what you need. But don’t mention the household stuff. Pick your battles and it sounds like your top priority is sex, so focus on it. (No judgment, I like sex too!).

3. Once you get to a better place, try to see if you can get her to have a better work life balance. Maybe see if she’d be willing to work PT. I assume that’s not an option bc you probably would have already, but you never know.

It sounds like you do love and respect your wife. Try to make it work. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Find an AP.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I don’t think the fact that she SAHM while you built your career is that relevant, nor is the fact that you now make more and contribute more. I think the most relevant question is what did you discuss about each of your expectations when she returned to work? Did you have a discussion about what her hours would be and how stuff at home would be handled? If not, that’s a problem. If so, are things different from what you expected and agreed to?

In terms of your connection with each other, I would suggest that the best approach is just to tell her that you miss her. Don’t specify that it’s sex that you miss. Just that you miss her. And see what she says.

[Anonymous]

I would just really like to hear more about the sex luge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She supported you, per your own admission. It is your turn now. It isn't easy to re-establish a career after you are out of the workforce for several years.

This is such crap. If the DW were the one typing this you'd all tell him to get himself home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and go back to work after the kids are in bed if he has more work to do on those nights. And you'd tell the DW to stop doing all the house stuff for him and talk to him about how he needs to find some time just like she does to help him pick up some of the slack. You would all rally behind her and say how she needs to remind him that having two incomes means you both pitch in equally, etc. This is just utter crap.