DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

Fwiw my husband is the same way with regard to sex. If we have sex every third day, he is super sweet, caring, and generous to me just like he was before we had kids.

The longer it goes, the grumpier and more distant he becomes. It’s so noticeable and insane to me. Sex is really that important to me? They honestly act like it’s the be all and end all in relationships.

Suffice it to say I don’t get it. And this is coming from someone who finds her husband attractive and O’s easily. It’s nice. I wouldn’t want to live without it. But I can also easily go a month without it and be fine and not take my bad moods out on other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw my husband is the same way with regard to sex. If we have sex every third day, he is super sweet, caring, and generous to me just like he was before we had kids.

The longer it goes, the grumpier and more distant he becomes. It’s so noticeable and insane to me. Sex is really that important to me? They honestly act like it’s the be all and end all in relationships.

Suffice it to say I don’t get it. And this is coming from someone who finds her husband attractive and O’s easily. It’s nice. I wouldn’t want to live without it. But I can also easily go a month without it and be fine and not take my bad moods out on other people.

It's hormonal. Think of it like the male version of a menstrual cycle.

[Anonymous]

I'm a progressive wife and mother of two kids and I've worked some pretty intense jobs and I'm the sole breadwinner. I can't imagine failing to be home for most weeknight dinners. That is just unacceptable. And this DH sounds like a saint. I am amazed by all these responses suggesting the couple should prioritize her work to that extreme. Sure she should be able to have a job and work hard and work at night sometimes. But not most of the time, that is nuts. And yes they should prioritize DH's job - they really need his income not hers. Not that hers isn't helpful but they probably can't live on just hers alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a progressive wife and mother of two kids and I've worked some pretty intense jobs and I'm the sole breadwinner. I can't imagine failing to be home for most weeknight dinners. That is just unacceptable. And this DH sounds like a saint. I am amazed by all these responses suggesting the couple should prioritize her work to that extreme. Sure she should be able to have a job and work hard and work at night sometimes. But not most of the time, that is nuts. And yes they should prioritize DH's job - they really need his income not hers. Not that hers isn't helpful but they probably can't live on just hers alone.

Does that mean you also think he should scale back to a job that will allow him to be home most nights without issue? Remember that one of his complaints is that his work is suffering for having to be home so early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a progressive wife and mother of two kids and I've worked some pretty intense jobs and I'm the sole breadwinner. I can't imagine failing to be home for most weeknight dinners. That is just unacceptable. And this DH sounds like a saint. I am amazed by all these responses suggesting the couple should prioritize her work to that extreme. Sure she should be able to have a job and work hard and work at night sometimes. But not most of the time, that is nuts. And yes they should prioritize DH's job - they really need his income not hers. Not that hers isn't helpful but they probably can't live on just hers alone.

Yikes. You don't sound that progressive to me. You sound pretty judgy and old-fashioned. DH is a "saint"? For what? Taking care of his own kids? DH's job should be prioritized because he earns more? You do recognize that he earns more because his DW gave him 7 years of SAHM support?

This is how women get wiped out of society or at best diminished to 2nd class status - they step out to care for kids so that the spouse can focus on career development and then the woman is never provided the same degree of support by the partner and shamed by society as a bad parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Anthropologically speaking, OP is the alpha male silverback whose evolution has led him to expect that with success comes frequent reproductive opportunities. It was a similar situation for the khans and their harems. Unfortunately he lives in a society where females have a achieved a level of equality in the workplace where they are no longer required to be as submissive to the alpha male to survive. For everyone saying "that's just how men are," this is my answer: "this is just how society is now."

If you don't like this, there are a few alternatives I have seen men pursue: divorce wife and pursue rich bachelor lifestyle, divorce wife and select mail-order-bride or other woman who is beholden enough to you that she must be submissive, stay in marriage and cheat frequently, or stay in marriage and hire prostitutes.

Interesting fact: among primates, a harem social structure is correlated with very small male reproductive organs. Since females mate with one male only, there is no need for large quantities of sperm. A silverback gorilla’s penis is about the size of your pinky (true, you can look it up).

Therefore, we can assume men who spout off nonsense about harems likely have very small penises.

That is fantastic.

Thank you!

I also don’t think misogynists who buy the whole “alpha male/harem” thing realize what it actually entails- living completely alone, fighting to your death for the chance to mate, a 90+% chance that you will never mate (only a small percentage of males actually become “alpha”), constantly fighting off rivals, very little actual sex, caring for dozens of children, enjoying that life for maybe a few years until someone younger and stronger kills you. Oh, and in humans, it only works if there is either massive male casualties from war, or if there is a huge wealth disparity, so you also have to worry about either getting killed in battle or someone killing you for your wealth. Studies have found that alpha male animals have massive amounts of stress and their health deteriorates from it. Not exactly the fantasy these idiots have where they sit on their ass all day, getting bjs and fed grapes by beautiful women.

I just want to point out that I wrote the original "anthropological" post and you guys have all read me wrong. I am a woman. The summary of what I wrote is this: "Your body may have these alpha male desires but you're living in the modern world so you're just going to have to deal with women's equality." I'm not sure why people read this so opposite from what I intended.

I think you’ve misread the situation: Humans don’t just use sex for reproduction. They also use it for intimacy and pleasure. OP does not appear to be wanting to reproduce. He wants pleasure and intimacy. Modern society criticizes men who ignore their partner’s pleasure in the bedroom....

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Female here and i got a kick out of you clarifying the emotional load with the “..If that makes sense.” Oh yes, haha, it sure does. I guarantee you that at leas 3/4 of us reading are women and believe me you don’t need to explain

I have a couple of questions:

-Whose idea was it for her to go back to work?

-Be really honest: were you comfortable financially before she went back? I know you said you make 80 pc of the HHI but how much do you make? (Approx)

(I am trying to figure out her motivations here)

-Is she into sex in general? How much sex did you have before?

-Did you show appreciation before? For everything she was doing?

-How much of your joint load right now can be outsourced? Have you thought outside the box with that? For instance, think about what you can outsource even if it doesn’t feel like it might be immediately helpful with your 8pm issue. Then try to move other stuff around, which CAN be helpful with your 8pm issue.

I’ll report back with my thoughts if you answer!

This is OP.

It was always understood that she would go back to work, because she wanted to. It took her a while to get call backs and interviews and I think she will say that I was 100% supportive - more emotional support than anything else because her resume and interviewing capabilities were just fine.

When she went back to work, I was making ~$350k. My income along in the last couple years has been ~$500k. When I say that we don't need her paycheck, she wasn't going back for the money. She really loved what she was doing (still does) and she would probably work for free if they didn't pay her.

She really isn't into sex, meaning, she doesn't initiate. But she hasn't denied me when I've initiated. Prior to kids, we were probably 3x week.

Admittedly, I didn't show as much appreciation or gratitude as I could have. I probably took a lot of it for granted. That wasn't to say I was a jerk but I didn't go out of my way to thank her for what she was doing everyday for our family, our kids and me. She really is a thoughtful person and puts her heart into her work. I like to say that she cooks with TLC whereas, I just cook the food to make sure that we have something to eat.

We outsource house cleaning. We have a part time nanny. I was thinking about subscribing to some type of food delivery service - not like a Blue Apron or Hello Fresh but someone, an actual person, who actually cooks the meals and drops it off daily. I know it'll be pricier but more than anything it'll save some of the mental burden of figuring out what to eat every day. That's the hardest thing. I've standardized the kids breakfast and lunches. They eat the same thing everyday. They don't seem to mind too much but it would be nice to work in more variety (I digress).

Thank you for your questions and look forward to hearing your thoughts.

You make 500k and are holding down the house? I'd fu$k you 3 ways till Sunday. Lots of women would. Don't ever forget that.

I'll fight you for him.

I’m the one who initially asked you all of these questions. I do think that if you are truly making 500k and doing almost all of the work around the house, there’s a real problem here. Is there any chance at all that maybe you don’t understand how much else there is to do, and perhaps she is shouldering burdens that you aren’t completely aware of? For instance, I do alllllll kinds of stuff that I guarantee my husband has no idea about. Your comment about the mental load makes me think that this is probably not the case but I figured I’d throw it out there anyway.

Why don’t you get an au pair? That’s what you need. She can be your extra hand in the mornings, evenings, take care of all of the kid stuff. If you have a good au pair you would be shocked at how much easier life your life could be. Or a part time nanny who comes every single day after school and stays through bedtime.

Another tip for you is galley for the meals. Blue Apron and similar take forever and aren’t worth the tome. Go for galley, or at least plan out in advance who is going to get takeout and what they will bring home. Also, keep your freezer stocked with some pre made pasta dishes from an Italian deli. No clue where you live but we do this from the Italian gourmet in Vienna. You can throw them in the oven when you don’t know what else to do for dinner and all of a sudden you have a home cooked (ish) tasty Italian meal for no effort. I also keep a ton of frozen broccoli on hand, and I mix with olive oil, salt, pepper and garlic (from a jar, haha) and cook for 30 at 350. It will taste very close to fresh roasted broccoli and involves zero pre planning.

Back to your wife. You have gotten some good advice here, but I think the key is to realize that you are dealing with two completely different issues. I really don’t think the sex is as linked to the other stuff as you think. And in some ways, I don’t think the other stuff is your biggest issue. I think you’re pissed (understandably) about the lack of sex and it’s making the other stuff seem worse to you. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I think you absolutely have reason to be pissed about the other stuff on its own, but for whatever reason you aren’t.

So:

1. Outsource, outsource, outsource. You can make up for her lack of contribution by outsourcing. And her salary can probably cover it all so it’s a win win.

2. Follow some of the relationship advice that others gave you in regards to couple time etc. talk to her about what you need. But don’t mention the household stuff. Pick your battles and it sounds like your top priority is sex, so focus on it. (No judgment, I like sex too!).

3. Once you get to a better place, try to see if you can get her to have a better work life balance. Maybe see if she’d be willing to work PT. I assume that’s not an option bc you probably would have already, but you never know.

It sounds like you do love and respect your wife. Try to make it work. Good luck!

This is a great post with great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just really like to hear more about the sex luge.

I'm just reading the whole thread, and this made me burst out laughing. I caught that too.