Controlling mother + DH ongoing conflicts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH saw the thread and said I missed all the relevant context about my parents and me not sticking up for him when they were mean and controlling over the last three years. I agree there is context here that posters might be overlooking and should consider. He said I don’t decide when something I’m upset about is resolved and that being direct is not mean.

Jesus effin Christ. We didn't "overlook" anything, we don't know it. Also, in case this isn't a troll, and your husband is reading this:

Buddy, you're an asshole, and you treat our wife poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe what I just read.

Sure, scold your mother for the BIG things, like wanting to pick all the wedding stuff, or insisting on choosing the name of your child. But washing dishes? Why can't she wash dishes?

You guys are really looking for fights, OP and husband.

+1

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe you had so many texts going back and forth about dishwashing. DH should have said in the moment, “Marge- I got this. I know you are trying to help, but we’ve talked about how you aren’t going to try to control every situation. So please, go fill up your tea glass and visit with Bob.”

I do think you have real boundary issues with your parents - so this ain’t excusing your need to keep trying to please them and not have healthy boundaries. But your husband has totally last the forest for the trees by getting obsessed (yes, obsessed - again, who goes on and on and on about dishwashing??). He sounds controlling and negative, too.

This is NOT an issue for family counseling where you take your mom. This is about YOU finding a way to set boundaries with your family of origin *and* your DH. You must be wound pretty tight to keep trying to please everyone around you without being able to step back and define what healthy relationships would look like and not being drawn into continuing with these very unhealthy patterns and behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH saw the thread and said I missed all the relevant context about my parents and me not sticking up for him when they were mean and controlling over the last three years. I agree there is context here that posters might be overlooking and should consider. He said I don’t decide when something I’m upset about is resolved and that being direct is not mean.

Two wrongs don't make a right. I can well believe your parents may have had controlling episodes, do you know why? Because your husband is abusive and manipulative, and usually people like you go from one controlling household to another. ***I'm not saying it's your fault***. I was like you, the difference is that I've realized this about my life - I'm older than you, so I've had the benefit of a few more years of soul-searching

Your husband is the classic manipulator: he tries to pick fights with everyone you hold dear, so that he can isolate you and make you easier to control. You might deny that he consciously thinks that, and indeed he himself might not think about it in those terms. But believe me, in the end, the result is the same: you are isolated with few friends and family available to help you, and you will end up powerless to get out.

I know he's reading this, so I won't go into specifics, but you really need to leave. Think about what all of this entails, and find ways to reach out for practical advice without his knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Having read the original threads which indicate some pretty problematic IL’s, I would wonder about how DH treats others? The mother’s apologies seemed like she has come a long way from her earlier behavior, despite having taken over the dishwashing. Progress not perfection. Some men also like to be way more direct than women. I find that kids and other women find that level of directness challenging, while other men “get it”. What is he like with other people and is he able to dial it down where needed?

[Anonymous]

Your husband has control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH saw the thread and said I missed all the relevant context about my parents and me not sticking up for him when they were mean and controlling over the last three years. I agree there is context here that posters might be overlooking and should consider. He said I don’t decide when something I’m upset about is resolved and that being direct is not mean.

Jesus effin Christ. We didn't "overlook" anything, we don't know it. Also, in case this isn't a troll, and your husband is reading this:

Buddy, you're an asshole, and you treat our wife poorly.

+1. Context could make OP sound worse but it wouldn’t make DH sound any better. There is no context that excuses his actions and over the top and immature responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH saw the thread and said I missed all the relevant context about my parents and me not sticking up for him when they were mean and controlling over the last three years. I agree there is context here that posters might be overlooking and should consider. He said I don’t decide when something I’m upset about is resolved and that being direct is not mean.

WHAT THE $$$%???

Hey, OP's husband - quit being a jerk of a control freak!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My DH saw the thread and said I missed all the relevant context about my parents and me not sticking up for him when they were mean and controlling over the last three years. I agree there is context here that posters might be overlooking and should consider. He said I don’t decide when something I’m upset about is resolved and that being direct is not mean.

1. There is no context about dish-washing. He can claim he's helping to create healthy boundaries, but he's way out of line if the boundary is not letting people wash dishes.

2. Do you see what he just did? He blamed YOU for going on DCUM and trying to make sense of this stuff. Because he wants to isolate you, so that he can control you better. You will always get blamed, or made to feel like a disappointment to him, when you try to reach out to others. Please start noticing trends and patterns here. Better yet - I've had to do this myself - keep a journal. Keep it safe. Use it as a safe repository of facts, dates and times, so he doesn't try to rewrite history and persuade you that you mis-remembered. Been there, done that.

[Anonymous]

He sounds extremely hung up on your parents. Regardless of what has happened in the past, his reactions now are inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having read the original threads which indicate some pretty problematic IL’s, I would wonder about how DH treats others? The mother’s apologies seemed like she has come a long way from her earlier behavior, despite having taken over the dishwashing. Progress not perfection. Some men also like to be way more direct than women. I find that kids and other women find that level of directness challenging, while other men “get it”. What is he like with other people and is he able to dial it down where needed?

His responses do not sound direct at all. They sound petty and he comes off as controlling and strangely obsessed with finding fault. Even if in laws are terrible, nothing he is doing can be explained by a direct communication style.

[Anonymous]

I'm 17:55. My husband is controlling and has had abusive episodes in the past (surrounding access to finances as well as angry outbursts and blackmail-type situations).

I strongly suspect he has Asperger's, or high-functioning autism. In addition to the usual lack of understanding in some social situations, his absence of friends, his communication issues at work, his general lack of empathy... it makes him over-react during domestic disputes - a lack of proportional response, as it were. When he decides on a rule, the rule has to be followed regardless,whether or not it makes sense. He thinks in a very rigid manner. The dish-washing incident makes me think that he's made "boundary-setting" rules in his head, and applies them inappropriately to minor situations.

You might want to think about whether you husband has symptoms of a psychiatric condition, so that you can understand how best to communicate with him and predict his reactions. It will help you with conflict management.

[Anonymous]

Among the absurdities of your husband’s position is that he complains that your mother is controlling but also complains that she doesn’t do exactly as he says.

[Anonymous]

The message from you and especially from DH to your mom is so rude, so inappropriate, so unforgivable that it really is a giant mountain compared to a tiny little ant of the dishes issues. If you really can’t see that I don’t know what to tell you.

Your mom might have been pushy about the dishes. You absolutely have no right to police her behavior in the way you seem to think you do. She is an adult woman. You can choose not to see her, that’s your prerogative. But the “controlling” here is you and your DH who seem to think you are the referee or judge and jury of other people’s behavior. You are not. It is so rude, it makes me wonder if you both have social disorders.

Somehow you got “setting boundaries” twisted into “I can tell my mother exactly what to do.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having read the original threads which indicate some pretty problematic IL’s, I would wonder about how DH treats others? The mother’s apologies seemed like she has come a long way from her earlier behavior, despite having taken over the dishwashing. Progress not perfection. Some men also like to be way more direct than women. I find that kids and other women find that level of directness challenging, while other men “get it”. What is he like with other people and is he able to dial it down where needed?

His responses do not sound direct at all. They sound petty and he comes off as controlling and strangely obsessed with finding fault. Even if in laws are terrible, nothing he is doing can be explained by a direct communication style.

I think direct would have been standing by the sink and saying “MIL, thank you, but I insist that you not do the dishes. I prefer to do them myself. Please join us in the living room.”
Seething for days and then sending childish and crazy text messages is not direct at all.