Controlling mother + DH ongoing conflicts

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04/11/2022 15:55

Subject: Controlling mother + DH ongoing conflicts

quote

Anonymous

My DH (29) and I (31) have been having ongoing conflicts related to my parents' controlling and/or mean behavior and my inability to stand up to them and set boundaries. I feel like I have made progress on this front, but the issue is not resolved. I am linking the related posts about this situation.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1043271.page
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1046694.page

My parents visited us for a family get together this past weekend. During dinner clean up, my mom went over to the sink to wash dishes, and my husband told her he could handle it. She then deflected, saying something about wanting to help and told him he could dry the dishes while she washed. I didn't realize this was happening at the time. After the event, the next day, I could tell DH was bothered by something. I asked what he was upset about and he mentioned how my mom was being controlling again after we had just told her to please not do that. I tried to be empathetic but my DH said he could tell from my tone that I was frustrated. I suggested we send my mom a text to let her know we were upset by her behavior. I drafted something, which my husband did not believe was direct or strong enough:

Hi, it was great to see you guys this weekend. In the future, could you please not take over cleaning up when we say we can handle it? I know you mean well but it is controlling. We’d appreciate it if you could keep that in mind

Instead we drafted and I sent this:

Hey Mom, I felt like you were being controlling with the cleanup yesterday. Peter said he could handle it and you seemed to be insistent on doing things your way. We don’t come to DE and take over your cooking or cleanup. It’s our house and our kitchen and I’d appreciate if you could be mindful of that.

My mom then called each of us and left voicemails apologizing with the following:

Hey, I just got your text message, we are just arriving home. I am sorry I wasnt, didnt need to be controlling I was just trying to help. And I'm sorry that's how it came across, I was not trying to take over, that wasn't my intention. I feel really bad that it came across that way and I really would like to apologize to DH. I will try to give him a call later. But again that was not my intention I was just trying to help. We had a really nice time, you guys worked really hard and we appreciate you getting everyone together...

I knew that her response was not a perfect apology because she said she was sorry how it came across as opposed to just admitting fault. My DH felt that way as well.

My DH then drafted a follow up text for me to send:

We got your voicemails. I thought you gave your word you’d be less controlling a few weeks ago. If you individually are only capable of helping on your own terms it’s not much of a help at all. Try asking “what can I help with?” and not unilaterally deciding as a guest in someone else’s home.

I then suggested a different version, which DH agreed I could send:

We got your voicemails, thank you. I do understand you want to help, and I appreciate that. However when we aren’t asking for help, or we say we can handle it, and you insist on doing it your way anyway, it doesn’t feel like help to us and more like taking control. In the future it would mean a lot if you could just ask “what can I help with?” or “do you need any help?” and take action based on the response

My mom then responded:

I totally understand. I am sorry I interfered. I did not mean to get in the way and I will be mindful of this in the future. You guys did an awesome job yesterday and we had a wonderful time. Thanks again.

I felt like that response was better. My DH also thought so. However I took it upon myself to "heart" my mom's last response. However, I did this without conferring with my DH, and we had agreed to always talk to each other before communicating on issues that involved my parents and associated conflicts. When he found out I had done that, he said that he felt like I unilaterally decided my mom's response was satisfactory and that I only care about her feeling good about the issue being resolved rather than how my DH feels. I apologized and took ownership for doing that. I was wrong. I offered to remove the heart, which I ultimately did.

Flash forward to the next day. My DH is reasonably still upset. He showed me the message he wanted to sent to my mom. He sent this:

On the topic of this past weekend- everyone else asked us what they could help with. You just decided you’re going to plant yourself in front of our sink. When I said I can handle the dishes you told me to get a towel and dry. I thought we had discussed you being less controlling a few weeks ago but you genuinely can’t seem to wrap your mind around why that’s obnoxious behavior as a guest in someone else’s house. If you can only help with strings attached we don’t want or need it

It's been a few hours, and my mom has not responded.

I feel very stressed and sad. I feel caught between two people whom I love. I cannot control my mom's behavior and/or the wording of her apologies. I agree with my DH that my mom can be controlling. She wants the issue to disappear possibly more than she wants to be genuinely apologetic and introspective and to change. I also cannot control how my DH feels about my mom and when he is ready to forgive. I feel like she is trying and doesn't have bad intentions and wants things to be better. I feel like my DH wants something out of my mom that she is incapable of providing. My DH has made it clear that he doesn't want kids with me until this issue is resolved, which I understand.

I'm not sure where to go from here.