Controlling mother + DH ongoing conflicts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a hunch that in those prior threads you linked, it was you writing as your DH. Regardless, his behavior is very troubling and the scary part is that’s he’s oblivious and sees himself as the victim. This would be very hard to remedy; it’s not likely he will be able to understand or appreciate your perspective. And he’s the prospect holding kids over you like that? Very toxic, but a blessing in disguise because you shouldn’t have kids with this man.

Meant - and he holds the prospect of having kids over your head like that?

[Anonymous]

OMG grow up. You both sound like whiny teenagers. Try to not keep giving us reasons to hate Millenials.

[Anonymous]

He's already told you you might not get his present (sperm) if you are not good enough

Where was this mentioned?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's already told you you might not get his present (sperm) if you are not good enough

Where was this mentioned?

From OP's first post:

"My DH has made it clear that he doesn't want kids with me until this issue is resolved, which I understand."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's already told you you might not get his present (sperm) if you are not good enough

Where was this mentioned?

From OP's first post:

"My DH has made it clear that he doesn't want kids with me until this issue is resolved, which I understand."

Well I agree with him. It should be resolved. For both of their sakes. And the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's already told you you might not get his present (sperm) if you are not good enough

Where was this mentioned?

From OP's first post:

"My DH has made it clear that he doesn't want kids with me until this issue is resolved, which I understand."

People say all sorts of things when they are angry. Doesn’t mean that he means it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's already told you you might not get his present (sperm) if you are not good enough

Where was this mentioned?

From OP's first post:

"My DH has made it clear that he doesn't want kids with me until this issue is resolved, which I understand."

People say all sorts of things when they are angry. Doesn’t mean that he means it.

This sounds like a reply from DH himself.

DH should not be saying it period, and being angry does not justify saying it. What if, every time DH was angry he went in the kitchen and smashed a glass? Would that be ok? There are a variety of unacceptable ways to express one's internal anger. Emotional abuse and attempting to humiliate one's marriage partner is not an acceptable, healthy way to express anger.

DH needs to understand how very angry he is, and that he does not have justification to be cruel to his wife and he does not get an exemption for his behavior when he is cruel to her 'because he was angry'.

Re-reading the DH posts in the other threads; he makes a big point that the two of them are different ages and that he is younger. Re-reading the DW's original post, she writes that they both are 30s.

There's something about their ages that is part of this as well. Cultural or religious pressure to have married earlier, embarrassment that the wife is 'older' ?? There's A LOT of disappointment being communicated by the DH about his choice of wife and his situation of being connected to her, and now being connected to her family too. He clearly feels emotionally disappointed. He is not appreciative of her and is embarrassed by her in some ways.

DW clearly feels that she needs to make this marriage work to please her parents vision of who she is supposed to be to them, which is sad because she's trying to make a marriage work with a person who does not like or value her very much. Clearly DW's parents and DH withhold approval and appreciation of her as an independent human from them.

https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/

[Anonymous]

Your H is toxic. Open your eyes. He's constantly playing the victim, saying things that hit below the belt (which no one will ever say or tolerate in a healthy marriage), and dismiss your distress.

I don't claim to have the best marriage. Mine is probably just average. But even during our worst arguments, we'd never dream of calling each other the enemy. He went there. And what's his apology like? Your mom's offense is so trivial compared to his, yet he's harping on her "imperfect" apology? Never have I felt so strongly about an internet stranger leaving her marriage. But yours is not sustainable and you need to get OUT.

[Anonymous]

It certainly isn't the worst marriage. There are more toxic people with addiction issues and physical abuse. However, this is the type of behavior that you know is not loving but is hard to either overcome or let go. And because of that it can go on for a long time with this sort of abuse before someone finally says enough.

[Anonymous]

The responses have been interesting in the last couple pages, particularly given the strong negative response initially.

I’m surprised any poster would characterize this as a just a “txt argument” or even a minor relationship issue.

Unless this was really just a completely bizarre one time thing and otherwise totally out of character it is indicative of a much larger problem. In any case, it is alarming and controlling behavior

[Anonymous]

Your DH sounds a little “off.”

To get angry over putting a 💜 over a text is a little extreme imo.

[Anonymous]

Only you should communicate with your parents and he can be the sole communicator to his parents.


One of the posts linked was from one month ago. Your DH needs more time to process the apology and also to get past his own feelings of insecurity that he “let” himself be treated that way. Because that is how he feels and that is why this issue enrages him. So take a break from your parents for a few months. Just don’t get together with them, be busy, find stuff to do as a couple, start to make your own family life - just the two of you

Your DH might seriously need to consider fast acting anxiety meds for dealing with your parents at least for a while. Less anxiety will help him to be able to respond calmly in the moment and stop the cycle of inner berating leading to the belated anger.

If you guys can’t really make changes in this situation in the next year, seriously consider if divorcing might be the best path for both of you so that you are free to find someone else better suited for each of you. Don’t have kids yet bc all the issues will get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The part that bothers me the most is him saying you are the enemy. I feel like that’s a slip of how he actually feels. His mask off. And also shows he has no filter. You don’t even have kids. How is this even remotely acceptable. He’s only responding to you and not dealing with some emergency and still says this?

+1 - exactly this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think your mom is the one being controlling here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typical DCUM posts about how you should get divorced. Like really , you’re going to get divorced over some text messages? Sure, there seem to be some issues and perhaps counseling is a good idea. But to actually divorce and for OP to possibly never have kids, seems extreme. Most people have issues and the next marriage (if there is one) would likely result in suggestions to divorce.

Oh hello DH