Controlling mother + DH ongoing conflicts

[Anonymous]

OP, your mother is a saint. My MIL is the one whose husband died a year before I met DH (her oldest). She's screamed that I should commit suicide for staying with him (he's infertile), made me miss my own rehearsal dinner, called me ugly (she was last to marry 12 years after my grandma of the same age) and dumb (she's never got into college) and lazy (I was the breadwinner making double her son) etc. She sexually and physically harasses me planting size 44 underwear (I am size 0) in a bed saying were (falsely) premaritally shagging to slut shame me. She forces me to get my stuff upstairs when she knew about my crutches to debilitate me for days with knee pain. My MIL won't apologize, she just lies to cover her butt.

You and DH should cut her some slack. A hearted apology and washing dishes? That sounds positively angelic. Do you have a single brother OP?

[Anonymous]

I feel so bad for your mom. If my daughter and son-in-law sent me a bunch of messages like that after I'd tried to be a polite guest by cleaning up, I'd probably tell snort and tell them to F off.

Which is exactly what your husband is trying to accomplish. You've got to divorce this monster.

[Anonymous]

A LOT of people are pushy about things like helping with dishes. This is so garden-variety “pushy” that I am wondering what other mundane sh!t OP’s DH has tried to turn into a federal offense.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want kids there is still time to meet someone nice and have a family. Don’t think you have to stay with him to have a family. I didn’t meet DH until I was 33 and now have a beautiful toddler and one on the way. I am sooo glad I didn’t marry/have kids with the controlling guy I dated before DH. Kids with him would have ruined my life, and my kids’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A LOT of people are pushy about things like helping with dishes. This is so garden-variety “pushy” that I am wondering what other mundane sh!t OP’s DH has tried to turn into a federal offense.

+1. I’m curious to know other instances of the ILs being “controlling”. Not that it would change my opinion of this situation but just out of morbid curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A LOT of people are pushy about things like helping with dishes. This is so garden-variety “pushy” that I am wondering what other mundane sh!t OP’s DH has tried to turn into a federal offense.

+1. I’m curious to know other instances of the ILs being “controlling”. Not that it would change my opinion of this situation but just out of morbid curiosity.

OP gave two links in her first post. Haven't read them, but you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t heart a text before consulting with your spouse? Crazy

+1. Major major red flag. You don’t have kids, I would seriously consider your partnership with this person and cut ties if he is this controlling now.

OP here. I don't think this is controlling. I suggested it after a huge fight when I texted my mom behind his back. We agreed that to set a united front, that we would both do this going forward.

I've read both of the previous threads and I feel like there's one missing where everyone, much like this post, agreed that your husband has gone off the deep end with this.

Your husband seems to have a massive inability to let ANYTHING go in regards to your parents. Your mom is trying hard here.

The above behavior is insane. Do you otherwise make joint decisions or is everything his way or the highway? Be honest with yourself.

If this is actually the only area where you disagree in your relationship then maybe there can be a compromise where he limits his contact with your parents. But I have a real problem believing this is the only area where you disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away a few years ago. Seeing how the DH spoke to the mom made me especially sad. If my mom was still around I know my DH would be kind to her, even though she could be a lot!

OP, you deserve better.

OP here. It does make me very sad. I wish DH could accept my mom's apology and be a little nicer and forgiving. He says maybe I should find someone else who is willing to put up with being controlled by my parents. I feel like it is possible to set boundaries, accept apologies when they are broken, and be kind.

It is if you are a real life actual adult and not a thin-skinned bully. This is not how adults deal with each other.

I find the whole scripting of texts to further extract groveling from your mother to be indescribably sad. Do you not see how you are being manipulated to treat your own mother poorly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any advice on what to do in this particular situation to make things better? Our marriage counselor does family therapy. Is that something people recommend I include my parents join us for?

I say no. I say you present this situation to the marriage counselor and tell them you felt like it was going too far and see what they say. See what your husband says. Did you even want to send the first text or did you do so because your husband wouldn't let up about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away a few years ago. Seeing how the DH spoke to the mom made me especially sad. If my mom was still around I know my DH would be kind to her, even though she could be a lot!

OP, you deserve better.

OP here. It does make me very sad. I wish DH could accept my mom's apology and be a little nicer and forgiving. He says maybe I should find someone else who is willing to put up with being controlled by my parents. I feel like it is possible to set boundaries, accept apologies when they are broken, and be kind.

OP, is your DH kind of mean in other situations? What about the dynamics between just the two of you?

I’m thinking of you…

OP here. He can be mean to me during arguments and say things he later apologizes for. He said he needs to work on that but that’s not the main issue to resolve, ie, I need to not start arguments related to my parents and be better at setting boundaries/not taking their side all the time. I hear him but think we both have things we can do better.

You have a marriage problem not an in law/parent problem. Seriously, you two are wound so tight and so focused on the little things it must be suffocating in your house. Work on the marriage because that is going to break you --- though in the end you will blame your parents for your divorce which is sad.

[Anonymous]

BTW it is 100% normal behavior for any guest to offer to dry dishes.

That isn't controlling. Your DH is actually the controlling one and now he has convinced you that your mom is controlling.

This won't end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any advice on what to do in this particular situation to make things better? Our marriage counselor does family therapy. Is that something people recommend I include my parents join us for?

Please don't subject your parents to this. You have a MARRIAGE problem. Not a family problem.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Your husband is out of control controlling and manipulative. Your mom actually repeatedly did the right thing in this situation, and your dh is creepy and awful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away a few years ago. Seeing how the DH spoke to the mom made me especially sad. If my mom was still around I know my DH would be kind to her, even though she could be a lot!

OP, you deserve better.

OP here. It does make me very sad. I wish DH could accept my mom's apology and be a little nicer and forgiving. He says maybe I should find someone else who is willing to put up with being controlled by my parents. I feel like it is possible to set boundaries, accept apologies when they are broken, and be kind.

You should find someone else. On this, I actually agree with your DH. So toxic! [/quote
]


This! Run now. It won’t ever get better between him and your mom. I know. I’ve been there. It only gets worse and the only way to “save” your marriage is to cut off your mom, then your husband will still resent you.

Run. Divorce. Go. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH (29) and I (31) have been having ongoing conflicts related to my parents' controlling and/or mean behavior and my inability to stand up to them and set boundaries. I feel like I have made progress on this front, but the issue is not resolved. I am linking the related posts about this situation.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1043271.page
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1046694.page

My parents visited us for a family get together this past weekend. During dinner clean up, my mom went over to the sink to wash dishes, and my husband told her he could handle it. She then deflected, saying something about wanting to help and told him he could dry the dishes while she washed. I didn't realize this was happening at the time. After the event, the next day, I could tell DH was bothered by something. I asked what he was upset about and he mentioned how my mom was being controlling again after we had just told her to please not do that. I tried to be empathetic but my DH said he could tell from my tone that I was frustrated. I suggested we send my mom a text to let her know we were upset by her behavior. I drafted something, which my husband did not believe was direct or strong enough:

Hi, it was great to see you guys this weekend. In the future, could you please not take over cleaning up when we say we can handle it? I know you mean well but it is controlling. We’d appreciate it if you could keep that in mind

Instead we drafted and I sent this:

Hey Mom, I felt like you were being controlling with the cleanup yesterday. Peter said he could handle it and you seemed to be insistent on doing things your way. We don’t come to DE and take over your cooking or cleanup. It’s our house and our kitchen and I’d appreciate if you could be mindful of that.

My mom then called each of us and left voicemails apologizing with the following:

Hey, I just got your text message, we are just arriving home. I am sorry I wasnt, didnt need to be controlling I was just trying to help. And I'm sorry that's how it came across, I was not trying to take over, that wasn't my intention. I feel really bad that it came across that way and I really would like to apologize to DH. I will try to give him a call later. But again that was not my intention I was just trying to help. We had a really nice time, you guys worked really hard and we appreciate you getting everyone together...

I knew that her response was not a perfect apology because she said she was sorry how it came across as opposed to just admitting fault. My DH felt that way as well.

My DH then drafted a follow up text for me to send:

We got your voicemails. I thought you gave your word you’d be less controlling a few weeks ago. If you individually are only capable of helping on your own terms it’s not much of a help at all. Try asking “what can I help with?” and not unilaterally deciding as a guest in someone else’s home.

I then suggested a different version, which DH agreed I could send:

We got your voicemails, thank you. I do understand you want to help, and I appreciate that. However when we aren’t asking for help, or we say we can handle it, and you insist on doing it your way anyway, it doesn’t feel like help to us and more like taking control. In the future it would mean a lot if you could just ask “what can I help with?” or “do you need any help?” and take action based on the response

My mom then responded:

I totally understand. I am sorry I interfered. I did not mean to get in the way and I will be mindful of this in the future. You guys did an awesome job yesterday and we had a wonderful time. Thanks again.

I felt like that response was better. My DH also thought so. However I took it upon myself to "heart" my mom's last response. However, I did this without conferring with my DH, and we had agreed to always talk to each other before communicating on issues that involved my parents and associated conflicts. When he found out I had done that, he said that he felt like I unilaterally decided my mom's response was satisfactory and that I only care about her feeling good about the issue being resolved rather than how my DH feels. I apologized and took ownership for doing that. I was wrong. I offered to remove the heart, which I ultimately did.

Flash forward to the next day. My DH is reasonably still upset. He showed me the message he wanted to sent to my mom. He sent this:

On the topic of this past weekend- everyone else asked us what they could help with. You just decided you’re going to plant yourself in front of our sink. When I said I can handle the dishes you told me to get a towel and dry. I thought we had discussed you being less controlling a few weeks ago but you genuinely can’t seem to wrap your mind around why that’s obnoxious behavior as a guest in someone else’s house. If you can only help with strings attached we don’t want or need it

It's been a few hours, and my mom has not responded.

I feel very stressed and sad. I feel caught between two people whom I love. I cannot control my mom's behavior and/or the wording of her apologies. I agree with my DH that my mom can be controlling. She wants the issue to disappear possibly more than she wants to be genuinely apologetic and introspective and to change. I also cannot control how my DH feels about my mom and when he is ready to forgive. I feel like she is trying and doesn't have bad intentions and wants things to be better. I feel like my DH wants something out of my mom that she is incapable of providing. My DH has made it clear that he doesn't want kids with me until this issue is resolved, which I understand.

I'm not sure where to go from here.

Your DH escalated on his own AFTER your Mom apologized a second time, and then took it upon himself to be directly, cruelly punitive to your Mom. Imagine him doing the equivalent punishment to your child, or children. Imagine being on the receiving end of that type of emotional inflexibility from him. Actually, you are on the receiving end of that type of emotional inflexibility from him. Yes, he's hurting, but he's also insistent on lashing out at someone important to you and someone who is trying her best to manage his very, very rigid sense of 'right'. You have a bigger problem than your mom learning to understand the rules when she's a guest in your home.

Read up on controlling and abusive behavior; you are being isolated by sheer emotional demand and force.