Controlling mother + DH ongoing conflicts

[Anonymous]

I would never let my DH talk to my mom that way. And I would never ask his permission to text my own mother. WTF!?! What kind of husband is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away a few years ago. Seeing how the DH spoke to the mom made me especially sad. If my mom was still around I know my DH would be kind to her, even though she could be a lot!

OP, you deserve better.

OP here. It does make me very sad. I wish DH could accept my mom's apology and be a little nicer and forgiving. He says maybe I should find someone else who is willing to put up with being controlled by my parents. I feel like it is possible to set boundaries, accept apologies when they are broken, and be kind.

OP, your husband is scary and the biggest drama king. I don't see anything wrong with your mom offering to wash dishes or being a little pushy to do it her way. Sorry, but moms are sometimes like that. I have friends who come to my house and insist on doing dishes because they feel guilty making our kitchen a mess. Most of the time, I would re-wash what they wash but it's really not a big deal to me. They were trying to be nice, not control me or how I do my dishes or run my life.

I cringed reading about your husband. He sounds manipulative and using verbiage to manipulate you. I also read the two links you sent. Your husband has issues, and so do you for accepting his controlling behavior. I'd divorce his ass in a minute. Seems like you met the devil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any advice on what to do in this particular situation to make things better? Our marriage counselor does family therapy. Is that something people recommend I include my parents join us for?

OP, I feel so bad for your parents. Please spare them the therapy. It doesn't sound like it's their issue more than it is your issue for picking a jerky husband.

I would never imagine being disrespectful to my parents with the tone you and your husband have over freaking dishes. It wasn't like they endanger your child or anything remotely close. And yes, I read your DH's previous posts on DCUM. I am guessing he is following your post here as well and monitoring the responses as well.

If OP's DH is reading this, you need help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any advice on what to do in this particular situation to make things better? Our marriage counselor does family therapy. Is that something people recommend I include my parents join us for?

Watch Sleeping With The Enemy and see if you see the parallels. Run, woman.

OMG, I was about to write the same thing.

Since he's offering divorce, I would accept it with open hands. Best of luck to the victim of his next hunt.

[Anonymous]

OP, very seriously: what is attractive to you about your DH? He sounds horrible, immature, and abusive. Family therapy is not going to fix what is broken in him. And he will not fix it because he thinks he is perfect and everyone else is out of line.

Please do not dO NOT have kids with him. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is trying to put a wedge between you and your mother so that you're emotionally "closer" and more reliant on him than on her.

This is dangerous, manipulative behavior.

Please seek help outside of DCUM and as others have noted - individually.

[Anonymous]

OP your husband is abusive. I think your parents have clearly adjusted their behavior to prevent your being isolated from them. Because if your mom was really controlling, she would not be acquiescing in these texts. If someone texted me like that over dishes I would be livid, and I am not a controlling full of myself person, which is what it sounds like everyone is saying your parents are.

Your parents are seeing that you are being isolated and they are doing what everyone says to do when you suspect someone you love is in an abusive relationship. They are not walking away so you do not get isolated. They are bending over backwards to stay in the picture.

What bad things did they say about him before? Was their first tactic to confront you directly or to talk in depth with family members about how concerned they were about him? And then he found out and tried to use that to drive you apart? And then it started working so they changed directions and are just going to be as pleasant as possible to avoid having you become estranged and completely in his grip?

Your husband's behavior is objectively controlling and abusive. As others have said no context improves them. And possibly, the context might show that this has been a progressively building abuse.

How is he with your friends OP? Is there something wrong with all of them too? Do you have to show him texts to your girlfriends if you mention him? How many important people in your life other than him does he tolerate? Or is he constantly undermining all of those relationships?

You need to leave, this is someone who could become dangerous. Do not have a baby with him. When you have a baby you will see the danger he poses more clearly because your baby becomes more important than your own safety. But then it will be too late to shield that child.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds abusive and controlling. Perhaps you gravitate to controlling people likely because your mom is mildly controlling.

Your mom's response was perfect. I would examine the relationship with my husband. Abusers often isolate people from family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any advice on what to do in this particular situation to make things better? Our marriage counselor does family therapy. Is that something people recommend I include my parents join us for?

You should not be in counseling with an abuser. Most counselors aren't observant enough to recognize abuse.

[Anonymous]

If I were your mom I would stop seeing you all together. Your husband is controlling over receiving help washing dishes and you can't have any message with your parents without passing it by him. You and your DH suck.

[Anonymous]

Yes, your DH is controlling and abusive.

And I say that even though I actually agree with him that it's "controlling" for your mom to insist on doing the dishes even after he said he'd handle them. It's just that this is something a lot of moms would do, and is at least partly a generational issue. My own mom does this in my house pretty much every time she visits and it does annoy me.

But just to give you a sense of how a functional marriage with mutual respect handles this:

My mom is sometimes pushy about cleaning or cooking when she visits. It's obviously at least partly about her self-perception as the matriarch and the idea that she must be in the caretaking role at all times. For my DH and I, under other circumstances we'd welcome the help, but my mom is also getting older and has some cognitive issues and she will make weird choices when she is "helping" that can actually make things harder. So often we will tell her not to do something so we can do it, because we are worried about her breaking or ruining something. Sometimes she listens, sometimes she doesn't -- she can be very stubborn and it depends on her mood. We handle it the best we can and try to remind ourselves that these issues are common with aging parents.

But we don't demand apologies when she oversteps a boundary or disregards our requests. We recognize this is a relatively minor thing, and even when she accidentally destroys something, it's not the end of the world. Probably the worst thing she ever did was ruin some flatware that I really loved and was discontinued (repeated issues with dropping utensils down the sink and running the disposal). That was upsetting but... it's just stuff. We bought new flatware. I think she even paid for it, I can't remember.

When my DH gets annoyed with her, I listen and commiserate, and vice versa. We have issues with his mom as well and we do the same. We always have each other's backs and we don't view one another's family as a heavy burden. Or at least, if they are a burden, they are one we share to lighten the load. We would never make demands from one another like this or nit pick how someone chooses to phrase a text or email to their family member. We trust each other and assume good intent, always.

Even if your DH is right and your family is controlling or violates boundaries a lot, the way he is handling it is abusive. He is treating you like a child and trying to control every aspect of your relationship with your own parents. Even if your parents were terrible (which they don't sound at all -- maybe a tiny bit clueless but really not a big deal) his behavior would not be okay.

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds awesome and apologized multiple times (for something she shouldn't have to apologize about.)

Your DH is mean, narcissistic and petty.

Stand up strongly to your DH and tell him to cut it out. If he improves, ok. If he doubles down, it's best to divorce before it gets worse for you and God forbid, any children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's already told you you might not get his present (sperm) if you are not good enough

Where was this mentioned?

From OP's first post:

"My DH has made it clear that he doesn't want kids with me until this issue is resolved, which I understand."

People say all sorts of things when they are angry. Doesn’t mean that he means it.

This sounds like a reply from DH himself.

DH should not be saying it period, and being angry does not justify saying it. What if, every time DH was angry he went in the kitchen and smashed a glass? Would that be ok? There are a variety of unacceptable ways to express one's internal anger. Emotional abuse and attempting to humiliate one's marriage partner is not an acceptable, healthy way to express anger.

DH needs to understand how very angry he is, and that he does not have justification to be cruel to his wife and he does not get an exemption for his behavior when he is cruel to her 'because he was angry'.

Re-reading the DH posts in the other threads; he makes a big point that the two of them are different ages and that he is younger. Re-reading the DW's original post, she writes that they both are 30s.

There's something about their ages that is part of this as well. Cultural or religious pressure to have married earlier, embarrassment that the wife is 'older' ?? There's A LOT of disappointment being communicated by the DH about his choice of wife and his situation of being connected to her, and now being connected to her family too. He clearly feels emotionally disappointed. He is not appreciative of her and is embarrassed by her in some ways.

DW clearly feels that she needs to make this marriage work to please her parents vision of who she is supposed to be to them, which is sad because she's trying to make a marriage work with a person who does not like or value her very much. Clearly DW's parents and DH withhold approval and appreciation of her as an independent human from them.

https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/

This is really smart. Please read this PP's post. Its pretty obvious that the DH just doesn't like the DW and the DW is staying to appease her parents. Her parents' response to his jerkiness also suggests they view him as deserving respect than themselves/their daughter. That's troubling, and I would guess there are cultural issues here (being Asian American myself).