Asperger marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

Asd/ Asd couples can work out better.
Or NT/AS with no kids and a simple life. Narrow jobs for AS as well, academia is a good fit and pace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who divorced and recommended reading up on the Cassandra syndrome: lessons from my experience - I realized that this wasn't a "relationship" or " communication" issue that could be approached via traditional marital counseling / therapy. I came to accept that the only possible change was for me to fully understand and accommodate his neuro-diversity and to readjust expectations of communication, emotional and physical intimacy, and to disconnect in a way that his character attacks and tantrums wouldn't affect me personally. And I decided that I could not imagine myself doing that while enjoying or even merely surviving my life.

Why do DHs with ASD do this?

At the neuropsych results conversation the PhD psychologist, who specialized in adult high functioning autism, said the anger outbursts and temper tantrums were due to (I) anxiety and being constantly overwhelmed/confused but not know it, and (II) negative and hurtful defense mechanisms developed over m at years. Not good.
The anti anxiety meds, if he remembers to take them, don’t really help.
I filed for divorce, since he wouldn’t move out or mediate (lies too much). He started lashing out at the kids once they got verbal and he just couldn’t relate or connect to them. That resulted in him sending them to time out all day, shouting, physically picking them up (70pound kids and larger). Truly bizarre and abusive. And this was after taking a 12 week parenting class.

So it was time to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who divorced and recommended reading up on the Cassandra syndrome: lessons from my experience - I realized that this wasn't a "relationship" or " communication" issue that could be approached via traditional marital counseling / therapy. I came to accept that the only possible change was for me to fully understand and accommodate his neuro-diversity and to readjust expectations of communication, emotional and physical intimacy, and to disconnect in a way that his character attacks and tantrums wouldn't affect me personally. And I decided that I could not imagine myself doing that while enjoying or even merely surviving my life. [/quote


Hmm. The odd thing is that I think every married couple does this – realizes that they can’t change the other person and adjusts their expectations.

No - some married couple divorce or live in marital resentment or disconnection. I actually think it’s a lesson for all types of relationships - realizing you can’t affect how someone else acts or thinks. That said, ASD fundamentally affects how a person relates so the non-neuro divergent partner has to RADICALLY change expectations (unless they were fully aware before coupling) and accommodate in a different way … this is not to blame ASD, but to not understand how this truly affects interpersonal relationships is very unfair to everyone.

Exactly. That is why regular couples counseling or books on communicating will not help, and may even harm, the couple where one is on the autism spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In other words, “once they do realize” never happens, and even if they realize something needs something, they are too tired and overwhelmed to do it.

I think this is kind of unfair. I am not sure that you can say that people with ASD lack empathy. I have a husband and a son with ASD, and they really do "get" each other.
Someone asked earlier how I didn't recognize this before I got married, and I was thinking about that. A big part of the reason is that, because you don't know what other people are thinking, you attribute a lot of your own inner life and motivations onto other people. As an NT person, I am usually right. Not always, but I am typically very close to being able to guess what other people are thinking or experiencing or what motivated their behavior because it is so similar to my own thoughts. When we were dating, I did that with DH, and he just went along with it, although I am sure my behavior was confusing to him at times.

Now, with my son, I am often the one who is left in the dark, trying to logic my way into why my 12 year old DS is doing something or what he is feeling. DH is the one who intuitively knows. And honestly, I do find myself defending myself, getting overwhelmed, and getting irritable or angry with them sometimes.

I don't know what it would be like to be them and go through the world feeling different than everyone else, not being able to guess what people are thinking, not knowing what you did that upset them or why they are so angry, or conversely, why they laughed or are pleased with you. I just have these two people that I struggle with. They struggle with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Activist just did 5 posts. Good luck activist.

We have Dx, we’re sandwiches between an ASD grandfather, uncle, spouse, kid.

We know exactly how difficult they are to live with no matter what pretzel twist you want to make of yourself.

Agree, it is a total advantage in a relationship or negotiation to be an unempath and not care about anyone but yourself. Fly into an irrational rage one night, scare everyone and wake up the next morning and ask everyone if they’re want to go for a hike. Like nothing is wrong. Like no severe damage occurred.

Their special interest persona may do well but the rest of their life is a total SS. Even when they’re 40 to and still living w their mom wondering why they got fired or dumped again. And she’s wondering by why she never out her kid or now adult kid in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

And many become narcissistic to protect their ego and image and mistakes.

Omg. Bullseye!

You just don’t like your spouses and are slamming neurodiverse people in the process. aSD is a DEVELOPMENTAL disorder and the symptoms must appear during the early developmental period to warrant a diagnosis. It is a myth that people on the spectrum lack empathy. They don’t have the full capacity to SEE the pain in others—- but once they do they will respond as much as they can. So if your spouse was a narc who didn’t care about your emotions, then leave it there. But if he didn’t have the ability to Recognize or process your emotions, and your calling him a narc, you are the cruel one.

I am married to a man with undiagnosed something. I believe he is likely on the spectrum, definitely has symptoms of NPD (his mother definitely has NPD and I believe he has issues as a result). I disagree that it is "cruel" to feel negatively towards husbands who can't recognize or process emotions. If that is the case, then they should never have married or had children. IMO, they are the cruel ones. This is the case with my husband. Though he was never diagnosed, he was sent to therapists as a child, and neither he or his parents will now discuss why. I know there are people who thinking their married lives would have been different if their husbands had had interventions as children, but I believe the interventions only mask the situation until they are faced with adult situtations--specifically being husbands and fathers. To be a wife of man on the spectrum, you have to wear a suit of armor, or be miserable. There is no other option,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Activist just did 5 posts. Good luck activist.

We have Dx, we’re sandwiches between an ASD grandfather, uncle, spouse, kid.

We know exactly how difficult they are to live with no matter what pretzel twist you want to make of yourself.

Agree, it is a total advantage in a relationship or negotiation to be an unempath and not care about anyone but yourself. Fly into an irrational rage one night, scare everyone and wake up the next morning and ask everyone if they’re want to go for a hike. Like nothing is wrong. Like no severe damage occurred.

Their special interest persona may do well but the rest of their life is a total SS. Even when they’re 40 to and still living w their mom wondering why they got fired or dumped again. And she’s wondering by why she never out her kid or now adult kid in therapy.

I posted just above you. I am not an activist, and I have only posted once on this thread (well, twice now). Empathy goes both ways. Your child isn’t “flying into an irrational rage and scaring everyone” for no reason. No one does. People get angry because they are hurt, someone they care about it hurt, they are ignored or demeaned, or an important goal of theirs is blocked. It feels irrational because it isn’t obvious to you what is making them angry, but it’s worth figuring out what is important to your husband and your kid, rather than blowing them off as irrational and uncaring. If you aren’t willing to figure this out with your kid, I can guarantee you that no one else is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

And many become narcissistic to protect their ego and image and mistakes.

Omg. Bullseye!

You just don’t like your spouses and are slamming neurodiverse people in the process. aSD is a DEVELOPMENTAL disorder and the symptoms must appear during the early developmental period to warrant a diagnosis. It is a myth that people on the spectrum lack empathy. They don’t have the full capacity to SEE the pain in others—- but once they do they will respond as much as they can. So if your spouse was a narc who didn’t care about your emotions, then leave it there. But if he didn’t have the ability to Recognize or process your emotions, and your calling him a narc, you are the cruel one.

I am married to a man with undiagnosed something. I believe he is likely on the spectrum, definitely has symptoms of NPD (his mother definitely has NPD and I believe he has issues as a result). I disagree that it is "cruel" to feel negatively towards husbands who can't recognize or process emotions. If that is the case, then they should never have married or had children. IMO, they are the cruel ones. This is the case with my husband. Though he was never diagnosed, he was sent to therapists as a child, and neither he or his parents will now discuss why. I know there are people who thinking their married lives would have been different if their husbands had had interventions as children, but I believe the interventions only mask the situation until they are faced with adult situtations--specifically being husbands and fathers. To be a wife of man on the spectrum, you have to wear a suit of armor, or be miserable. There is no other option,

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Activist just did 5 posts. Good luck activist.

We have Dx, we’re sandwiches between an ASD grandfather, uncle, spouse, kid.

We know exactly how difficult they are to live with no matter what pretzel twist you want to make of yourself.

Agree, it is a total advantage in a relationship or negotiation to be an unempath and not care about anyone but yourself. Fly into an irrational rage one night, scare everyone and wake up the next morning and ask everyone if they’re want to go for a hike. Like nothing is wrong. Like no severe damage occurred.

Their special interest persona may do well but the rest of their life is a total SS. Even when they’re 40 to and still living w their mom wondering why they got fired or dumped again. And she’s wondering by why she never out her kid or now adult kid in therapy.

I posted just above you. I am not an activist, and I have only posted once on this thread (well, twice now). Empathy goes both ways. Your child isn’t “flying into an irrational rage and scaring everyone” for no reason. No one does. People get angry because they are hurt, someone they care about it hurt, they are ignored or demeaned, or an important goal of theirs is blocked. It feels irrational because it isn’t obvious to you what is making them angry, but it’s worth figuring out what is important to your husband and your kid, rather than blowing them off as irrational and uncaring. If you aren’t willing to figure this out with your kid, I can guarantee you that no one else is.

We have to walk around on eggshells because we don’t know what they’ve been bottling up all day at work or school. The will blow up at ANY comment or any thing at home, their safe place where they unmask and crash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

I posted earlier and have a husband and a child with ASD.
I understand what you are saying here, but the thing is that a simple struggle with social communication can contribute to a lack of self-awareness that does often look like narcissism.
1). My husband and son have difficulty describing their own thoughts and emotions. When someone posted that she doesn’t know what her family members have been dealing with all day at school or at work, I know what she means. My other kids will hop in the car at the end of the school day and vent. My son with ASD will describe something interesting that he was just reading about. He doesn’t seem to observe his own mind, or at least he doesn’t think it’s interesting enough to talk about. And since he doesn’t observe himself in the situations he is experiencing, he doesn’t know how changing himself can change the situation, so he doesn’t change, he doesn’t adapt to others, and this feels to other people like he doesn’t care or expects them to do all of the work to maintain the friendship.

2). Misreading social cues means that you don’t really recognize when you are making people happy, sad, irritated, bored, etc. Most NT people go through their lives slightly adjusting their behavior in response to cues from others. People with ASD don’t do this, or don’t do it well. And if you are putting out signals that you are bored or irritated or frightened, and the other person just continues doing what they are doing, that feels like they don’t care. Even if the motivation is different, and it’s because signals are misinterpreted, not because you don’t care about your spouse, the feeling on the receiving end is the same.

So while I understand that your internal experience is that you aren’t a narcissist, that doesn’t mean that the feelings your spouse or parent has are wrong or unfounded. There is a lot of loneliness in being the spouse of someone with ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is diagnosed with ASD, depression and anxiety. OP - h3et DH (assuming) on medication stat if there are comorbidities. AFAIK ASD isn't medicated, but if there's other dx like above or OCD, ADHD, etc. then take those pills. He'll need a psychiatrist and therapist. For it to have gone on so long undetected might indicate some childhood or family trauma and dysfunction.

PP who mentioned Cassandra syndrome is right. You also need to take care of yourself and your kids. Seek out individual therapy if you think you need it. We used to do couples therapy, but even the therapist agreed it was a waste of time and dropped us.

My kids are too young for therapy, but that's something we might revisit as they get older. We got them screened for ASD because tbecause there's a strong genetic component. So far it doesn't seem they have it. I am basically taking care of the kids 100%, even though we live with their father. He does spend time with them, but it is supervised and scheduled.

Could you not see any of this before marriage?

He masked it extremely well. If we never had kids, he might have been able to mask forever. The twins were a triggering event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when you SAH for your kids and financially depend on your husband? I suspect he has Aspergers.

Live for your kids.
Create a life outside the home and big support network of save friends.
Therapy.
Ignore aspie, he wants that too.

To get a practical degree, certificates, continual education. Keep up your old professional networks. Be prepared to be the breadwinner. I'm terrified ASD spouse will spiral at work and be fired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is diagnosed with ASD, depression and anxiety. OP - h3et DH (assuming) on medication stat if there are comorbidities. AFAIK ASD isn't medicated, but if there's other dx like above or OCD, ADHD, etc. then take those pills. He'll need a psychiatrist and therapist. For it to have gone on so long undetected might indicate some childhood or family trauma and dysfunction.

PP who mentioned Cassandra syndrome is right. You also need to take care of yourself and your kids. Seek out individual therapy if you think you need it. We used to do couples therapy, but even the therapist agreed it was a waste of time and dropped us.

My kids are too young for therapy, but that's something we might revisit as they get older. We got them screened for ASD because tbecause there's a strong genetic component. So far it doesn't seem they have it. I am basically taking care of the kids 100%, even though we live with their father. He does spend time with them, but it is supervised and scheduled.

I could see this working. But still is very far from a normal marriage and team parenting/raising children.

Eh, all marriages are weird. I know DH loves us in his own way. We are still a team but his contributions are different. I sometimes feel like a single mother with a generous benefactor who happens to be a moody teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is diagnosed with ASD, depression and anxiety. OP - h3et DH (assuming) on medication stat if there are comorbidities. AFAIK ASD isn't medicated, but if there's other dx like above or OCD, ADHD, etc. then take those pills. He'll need a psychiatrist and therapist. For it to have gone on so long undetected might indicate some childhood or family trauma and dysfunction.

PP who mentioned Cassandra syndrome is right. You also need to take care of yourself and your kids. Seek out individual therapy if you think you need it. We used to do couples therapy, but even the therapist agreed it was a waste of time and dropped us.

My kids are too young for therapy, but that's something we might revisit as they get older. We got them screened for ASD because tbecause there's a strong genetic component. So far it doesn't seem they have it. I am basically taking care of the kids 100%, even though we live with their father. He does spend time with them, but it is supervised and scheduled.

Could you not see any of this before marriage?

He masked it extremely well. If we never had kids, he might have been able to mask forever. The twins were a triggering event.

DP. The kids were also a triggering event for me as the NT spouse. I have always been pretty independent, and before the kids, having a partner was about having someone to live with, go out with, have sex with. We have a lot of the same interests, love to talk together (he loves it when I share technical jargon about my work). We had the same social circle. We were both a little sloppy and liked to play video games, so we were good roommates. The sex has always been good as long as I am explicit about what I want.

But then we had kids, and I had to rely on him as a partner. That was when it showed up for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Activist just did 5 posts. Good luck activist.

We have Dx, we’re sandwiches between an ASD grandfather, uncle, spouse, kid.

We know exactly how difficult they are to live with no matter what pretzel twist you want to make of yourself.

Agree, it is a total advantage in a relationship or negotiation to be an unempath and not care about anyone but yourself. Fly into an irrational rage one night, scare everyone and wake up the next morning and ask everyone if they’re want to go for a hike. Like nothing is wrong. Like no severe damage occurred.

Their special interest persona may do well but the rest of their life is a total SS. Even when they’re 40 to and still living w their mom wondering why they got fired or dumped again. And she’s wondering by why she never out her kid or now adult kid in therapy.

I posted just above you. I am not an activist, and I have only posted once on this thread (well, twice now). Empathy goes both ways. Your child isn’t “flying into an irrational rage and scaring everyone” for no reason. No one does. People get angry because they are hurt, someone they care about it hurt, they are ignored or demeaned, or an important goal of theirs is blocked. It feels irrational because it isn’t obvious to you what is making them angry, but it’s worth figuring out what is important to your husband and your kid, rather than blowing them off as irrational and uncaring. If you aren’t willing to figure this out with your kid, I can guarantee you that no one else is.

+1