Asperger marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

And many become narcissistic to protect their ego and image and mistakes.

Omg. Bullseye!

You just don’t like your spouses and are slamming neurodiverse people in the process. aSD is a DEVELOPMENTAL disorder and the symptoms must appear during the early developmental period to warrant a diagnosis. It is a myth that people on the spectrum lack empathy. They don’t have the full capacity to SEE the pain in others—- but once they do they will respond as much as they can. So if your spouse was a narc who didn’t care about your emotions, then leave it there. But if he didn’t have the ability to Recognize or process your emotions, and your calling him a narc, you are the cruel one.

I am married to a man with undiagnosed something. I believe he is likely on the spectrum, definitely has symptoms of NPD (his mother definitely has NPD and I believe he has issues as a result). I disagree that it is "cruel" to feel negatively towards husbands who can't recognize or process emotions. If that is the case, then they should never have married or had children. IMO, they are the cruel ones. This is the case with my husband. Though he was never diagnosed, he was sent to therapists as a child, and neither he or his parents will now discuss why. I know there are people who thinking their married lives would have been different if their husbands had had interventions as children, but I believe the interventions only mask the situation until they are faced with adult situtations--specifically being husbands and fathers. To be a wife of man on the spectrum, you have to wear a suit of armor, or be miserable. There is no other option,

+1,000

+1 spot on, unfortunately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you do when you SAH for your kids and financially depend on your husband? I suspect he has Aspergers.

Live for your kids.
Create a life outside the home and big support network of save friends.
Therapy.
Ignore aspie, he wants that too.

To get a practical degree, certificates, continual education. Keep up your old professional networks. Be prepared to be the breadwinner. I'm terrified ASD spouse will spiral at work and be fired.

Same. He is stressed out beyond belief due to his job but won’t admit it. I’m doing a job sear search to get back to my old pay, now that the kids are all in school and looks like the $hits about to hit the fan at his office and he’s going to “take early retirement.” Yeah right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Activist just did 5 posts. Good luck activist.

We have Dx, we’re sandwiches between an ASD grandfather, uncle, spouse, kid.

We know exactly how difficult they are to live with no matter what pretzel twist you want to make of yourself.

Agree, it is a total advantage in a relationship or negotiation to be an unempath and not care about anyone but yourself. Fly into an irrational rage one night, scare everyone and wake up the next morning and ask everyone if they’re want to go for a hike. Like nothing is wrong. Like no severe damage occurred.

Their special interest persona may do well but the rest of their life is a total SS. Even when they’re 40 to and still living w their mom wondering why they got fired or dumped again. And she’s wondering by why she never out her kid or now adult kid in therapy.

I posted just above you. I am not an activist, and I have only posted once on this thread (well, twice now). Empathy goes both ways. Your child isn’t “flying into an irrational rage and scaring everyone” for no reason. No one does. People get angry because they are hurt, someone they care about it hurt, they are ignored or demeaned, or an important goal of theirs is blocked. It feels irrational because it isn’t obvious to you what is making them angry, but it’s worth figuring out what is important to your husband and your kid, rather than blowing them off as irrational and uncaring. If you aren’t willing to figure this out with your kid, I can guarantee you that no one else is.

We have to walk around on eggshells because we don’t know what they’ve been bottling up all day at work or school. The will blow up at ANY comment or any thing at home, their safe place where they unmask and crash.

Yes! My xH seemed docile and shy much of the time around others - “quirky” for sure - but few tantrums, and I’m sure many thought I was the bossy one. But at home, it was upside world - he would accuse me of crazy sh&t in his “rational” way that didn’t make sense and that was based on attributing malintent to me and others most of the time. Thankfully a few people did witness this private behavior and in therapy he let loose his irrational rational beliefs - which was the last step for me in releasing myself from the marriage.

[Anonymous]

OMG, same here.

A couple families we had vacationed with saw his lies and outbursts and mentioned abuse or dementia. He had a diagnosis, ASD.
That was it. Still don’t know what will come of the young kids, he loves them but cannot care for them, or anything. Even his car.
It is the twilight zone at home with his mishaps, omittances, and temper tantrums aimed at deflecting from fixing the problem. I don’t even bother asking home what happened since I’ll get total BS response or an argument. But then I also don’t know where the broken glass is or how hurt the child is or how the cabinet got kicked in…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, same here.

A couple families we had vacationed with saw his lies and outbursts and mentioned abuse or dementia. He had a diagnosis, ASD.
That was it. Still don’t know what will come of the young kids, he loves them but cannot care for them, or anything. Even his car.
It is the twilight zone at home with his mishaps, omittances, and temper tantrums aimed at deflecting from fixing the problem. I don’t even bother asking home what happened since I’ll get total BS response or an argument. But then I also don’t know where the broken glass is or how hurt the child is or how the cabinet got kicked in…

You all have to get out under control or you have to leave. Violence is never ok.

Not sure if this further isolates you, but DH and I separated our friend circles. It really helped establish my own support network, and know that DHs ASD was not my problem. It was naturally shaking out that way anyway because of his outbursts and attacks on my family and friends

I handle all of my kids socialization with their friends they're friends too, so there's no awkward running with DH and their parents that will affect my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

And many become narcissistic to protect their ego and image and mistakes.

Omg. Bullseye!

You just don’t like your spouses and are slamming neurodiverse people in the process. aSD is a DEVELOPMENTAL disorder and the symptoms must appear during the early developmental period to warrant a diagnosis. It is a myth that people on the spectrum lack empathy. They don’t have the full capacity to SEE the pain in others—- but once they do they will respond as much as they can. So if your spouse was a narc who didn’t care about your emotions, then leave it there. But if he didn’t have the ability to Recognize or process your emotions, and your calling him a narc, you are the cruel one.

I am married to a man with undiagnosed something. I believe he is likely on the spectrum, definitely has symptoms of NPD (his mother definitely has NPD and I believe he has issues as a result). I disagree that it is "cruel" to feel negatively towards husbands who can't recognize or process emotions. If that is the case, then they should never have married or had children. IMO, they are the cruel ones. This is the case with my husband. Though he was never diagnosed, he was sent to therapists as a child, and neither he or his parents will now discuss why. I know there are people who thinking their married lives would have been different if their husbands had had interventions as children, but I believe the interventions only mask the situation until they are faced with adult situtations--specifically being husbands and fathers. To be a wife of man on the spectrum, you have to wear a suit of armor, or be miserable. There is no other option,

+1,000

+1 spot on, unfortunately

+1

Many ASD people go through life trying to hide or not divulge their diagnosis, and it frankly does not work. Parents are doing no favors pawning them off on a future spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, same here.

A couple families we had vacationed with saw his lies and outbursts and mentioned abuse or dementia. He had a diagnosis, ASD.
That was it. Still don’t know what will come of the young kids, he loves them but cannot care for them, or anything. Even his car.
It is the twilight zone at home with his mishaps, omittances, and temper tantrums aimed at deflecting from fixing the problem. I don’t even bother asking home what happened since I’ll get total BS response or an argument. But then I also don’t know where the broken glass is or how hurt the child is or how the cabinet got kicked in…

You all have to get out under control or you have to leave. Violence is never ok.

Not sure if this further isolates you, but DH and I separated our friend circles. It really helped establish my own support network, and know that DHs ASD was not my problem. It was naturally shaking out that way anyway because of his outbursts and attacks on my family and friends

I handle all of my kids socialization with their friends they're friends too, so there's no awkward running with DH and their parents that will affect my kids.

+1

Also, the lack of boundaries doesn't affect you, if DH is unable destroy your relationships or attract the wrong kind of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

And many become narcissistic to protect their ego and image and mistakes.

Omg. Bullseye!

You just don’t like your spouses and are slamming neurodiverse people in the process. aSD is a DEVELOPMENTAL disorder and the symptoms must appear during the early developmental period to warrant a diagnosis. It is a myth that people on the spectrum lack empathy. They don’t have the full capacity to SEE the pain in others—- but once they do they will respond as much as they can. So if your spouse was a narc who didn’t care about your emotions, then leave it there. But if he didn’t have the ability to Recognize or process your emotions, and your calling him a narc, you are the cruel one.

I am married to a man with undiagnosed something. I believe he is likely on the spectrum, definitely has symptoms of NPD (his mother definitely has NPD and I believe he has issues as a result). I disagree that it is "cruel" to feel negatively towards husbands who can't recognize or process emotions. If that is the case, then they should never have married or had children. IMO, they are the cruel ones. This is the case with my husband. Though he was never diagnosed, he was sent to therapists as a child, and neither he or his parents will now discuss why. I know there are people who thinking their married lives would have been different if their husbands had had interventions as children, but I believe the interventions only mask the situation until they are faced with adult situtations--specifically being husbands and fathers. To be a wife of man on the spectrum, you have to wear a suit of armor, or be miserable. There is no other option,

+1,000

+1 spot on, unfortunately

+1

Many ASD people go through life trying to hide or not divulge their diagnosis, and it frankly does not work. Parents are doing no favors pawning them off on a future spouse.

You had an arranged marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

And many become narcissistic to protect their ego and image and mistakes.

Omg. Bullseye!

You just don’t like your spouses and are slamming neurodiverse people in the process. aSD is a DEVELOPMENTAL disorder and the symptoms must appear during the early developmental period to warrant a diagnosis. It is a myth that people on the spectrum lack empathy. They don’t have the full capacity to SEE the pain in others—- but once they do they will respond as much as they can. So if your spouse was a narc who didn’t care about your emotions, then leave it there. But if he didn’t have the ability to Recognize or process your emotions, and your calling him a narc, you are the cruel one.

I am married to a man with undiagnosed something. I believe he is likely on the spectrum, definitely has symptoms of NPD (his mother definitely has NPD and I believe he has issues as a result). I disagree that it is "cruel" to feel negatively towards husbands who can't recognize or process emotions. If that is the case, then they should never have married or had children. IMO, they are the cruel ones. This is the case with my husband. Though he was never diagnosed, he was sent to therapists as a child, and neither he or his parents will now discuss why. I know there are people who thinking their married lives would have been different if their husbands had had interventions as children, but I believe the interventions only mask the situation until they are faced with adult situtations--specifically being husbands and fathers. To be a wife of man on the spectrum, you have to wear a suit of armor, or be miserable. There is no other option,

+1,000

+1 spot on, unfortunately

+1

Many ASD people go through life trying to hide or not divulge their diagnosis, and it frankly does not work. Parents are doing no favors pawning them off on a future spouse.

+1 million

Hate watching the show MiL and FIL out on to get the ASD BiL married off. It will be an utter disaster and destroy many lives, especially any children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

And many become narcissistic to protect their ego and image and mistakes.

Omg. Bullseye!

You just don’t like your spouses and are slamming neurodiverse people in the process. aSD is a DEVELOPMENTAL disorder and the symptoms must appear during the early developmental period to warrant a diagnosis. It is a myth that people on the spectrum lack empathy. They don’t have the full capacity to SEE the pain in others—- but once they do they will respond as much as they can. So if your spouse was a narc who didn’t care about your emotions, then leave it there. But if he didn’t have the ability to Recognize or process your emotions, and your calling him a narc, you are the cruel one.

I am married to a man with undiagnosed something. I believe he is likely on the spectrum, definitely has symptoms of NPD (his mother definitely has NPD and I believe he has issues as a result). I disagree that it is "cruel" to feel negatively towards husbands who can't recognize or process emotions. If that is the case, then they should never have married or had children. IMO, they are the cruel ones. This is the case with my husband. Though he was never diagnosed, he was sent to therapists as a child, and neither he or his parents will now discuss why. I know there are people who thinking their married lives would have been different if their husbands had had interventions as children, but I believe the interventions only mask the situation until they are faced with adult situtations--specifically being husbands and fathers. To be a wife of man on the spectrum, you have to wear a suit of armor, or be miserable. There is no other option,

+1,000

+1 spot on, unfortunately

+1

Many ASD people go through life trying to hide or not divulge their diagnosis, and it frankly does not work. Parents are doing no favors pawning them off on a future spouse.

How can they be “trying to hide it” when they actively deny their symptoms and any diagnoses? In most cases the main person they are successfully lying to.. is themselves.

[Anonymous]

My BIL has Asperger's and so does one of his children. There's always screaming and yelling in that family, over nothing and everything,. I suspect SIL married for money and cultural expectations, in the first place, but how she can live in that nut house is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone married to a spouse with Aspergers? How do you cope?

He wants to be left alone and not spoken to. Now all of us do exactly that. That cut down on at least half of his shouting and lashing out.

He tags along on outings when he has the energy or it's convenient for him or someone is there he wants to impress or appear normal to. It's sickening how backwards his priorities are.

He's insulting to live with, I am planning my exit. THe kids know their father is not normal, we have all mourned the lack of a father, husband, adult male in the house in our own way. What's worse is that he is around, just ignoring us and life. You must not sink to the same level and become an empty person just because he doesn't care about anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone married to a spouse with Aspergers? How do you cope?

He wants to be left alone and not spoken to. Now all of us do exactly that. That cut down on at least half of his shouting and lashing out.

He tags along on outings when he has the energy or it's convenient for him or someone is there he wants to impress or appear normal to. It's sickening how backwards his priorities are.

He's insulting to live with, I am planning my exit. THe kids know their father is not normal, we have all mourned the lack of a father, husband, adult male in the house in our own way. What's worse is that he is around, just ignoring us and life. You must not sink to the same level and become an empty person just because he doesn't care about anything.

This really resonated with me because this was my life. I'm sorry for you and the kids. I understand the feeling of mourning but maybe when you are ready, know that there is a husband and father there, not in the way you expected but someone there nonetheless. It's like a life lesson on accepting differences and meeting people where they are. That's great for the kids to learn empathy. And totally agree with you on stepping up and not becoming empty. And sometimes stepping away is what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t accept the shouting, lashing out and verbal abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t accept the shouting, lashing out and verbal abuse.

+1 abuse in never ok