Asperger marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

And many become narcissistic to protect their ego and image and mistakes.

No one becomes a narcissist. You're describing a disorder that isn't asd.

Autistic literally means SELF. The term autism (from the Greek autos, meaning “self”) was coined in 1911 by Swiss psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler, who used it to describe withdrawal into one's inner world, a phenomenon he observed in individuals with schizophrenia

[Anonymous]

Autistic people do fine on their own. Maybe even with a spouse. It's when life gets complex that they fall apart.

[Anonymous]

Correct. Don’t have kids with them, it’s a disaster.
Forever. Now we all have to protect the grandkids from his total lack of judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Autistic people do fine on their own. Maybe even with a spouse. It's when life gets complex that they fall apart.

Many live at home in their 30s, 40s. Failure to launch. Get fired or dumped so many times they give up. Never got help or therapy or understanding. Other hfs study movies and do a hyperfocus to court, get marriages and then switch their hyperfocus back to themselves and their jobs. Different person inside and outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.

Are you planning to leave? My H sounds a LOT like yours, except that he doesn't drink and is the opposite of hypersexual. In fact, he's extremely repressed. We haven't had sex in 8 or 10 years, because I got tired of initiating what I knew would be mediocre (at best), one-sided sex.

I guess I should be glad that he rarely loses his temper, unlike many others on here. But that's because he shuts down at the first sign of conflict, which means that I have to escalate my own behavior to get any type of response. Usually he just continues to ignore me. Nothing is EVER his fault and he never apologizes or even admits a mistake. (The broken glass stories above really resonated.) It's a terrible example for our kids.

I feel like I've been in an emotional and physical deprivation chamber for years. I need to get out.

Wow, that list above hits hard. Same $hit happening here weekly. It’s so sad our kids basically don’t have a second parent parenting, it’s like a big belligerent child who cannot learn or connect the dots and lashes out insanely.

Good luck to us all.

So this pretty much sums up my husband as well. And I have wondered if he has ASD, but I think I am now realizing that it is just that generally speaking, the majority of men are like this. They are just wired very differently. I say this in a post because I felt pretty hopeless before because I didn't think he could change and I would always be unhappy. But it doesn't have to be that way. I got therapy and learned better communication skills, and to not take some of his behaviors so personally and accept the differences, some of his weak areas, and also appreciate the strong areas.

I am not saying you should put up with being mistreated. But if there are problems, there are strategies you can use to communicate better so that he hears what you are saying and it actually sinks in and makes a difference.

I mean there is an element of neuro-diversity here, and I can't deny that. But also, EVERY person has their thing, and this "thing" is not particularly worse than other "things". The neuro-diverse element makes life in general pretty stressful and exhausting on a daily basis, especially with everyone expecting them to just understand a certain language of speaking and unspoken expectations that is quite challenging for someone with these traits - and this sometimes comes out in stress and anxiety responses like anger, or shutting down, or shutting people out.

[Anonymous]

There is a chart that shows that a lot of these people never mature beyond the level of a 23 year old. I think some of the kids who get help these days can get beyond this but the men who get diagnosed in their 40's and 50's typically can't grow.

[Anonymous]

Lovely example for a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a chart that shows that a lot of these people never mature beyond the level of a 23 year old. I think some of the kids who get help these days can get beyond this but the men who get diagnosed in their 40's and 50's typically can't grow.

Developmentally it’s age 8. Psychologists say age 6-8. Look at how they try to relate to kids- tease, act goofy, exaggerated voices. They keep doing that even when the kid is age 8, 10 and up. Inputs don’t connect and thus don’t make appropriate outputs; that’s the “brain wiring” people politely say. It’s actually missing wiring. Not different wiring. The inputs never message to CPU and thus no output response. Packets get lost. All the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a chart that shows that a lot of these people never mature beyond the level of a 23 year old. I think some of the kids who get help these days can get beyond this but the men who get diagnosed in their 40's and 50's typically can't grow.

That sounds ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

So much enabling and codependency

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a chart that shows that a lot of these people never mature beyond the level of a 23 year old. I think some of the kids who get help these days can get beyond this but the men who get diagnosed in their 40's and 50's typically can't grow.

Developmentally it’s age 8. Psychologists say age 6-8. Look at how they try to relate to kids- tease, act goofy, exaggerated voices. They keep doing that even when the kid is age 8, 10 and up. Inputs don’t connect and thus don’t make appropriate outputs; that’s the “brain wiring” people politely say. It’s actually missing wiring. Not different wiring. The inputs never message to CPU and thus no output response. Packets get lost. All the time.

OMG. Because no other dads tease, act goofy, or use exxagerated voices with their 8 year olds?

[Anonymous]

When it’s the ONLY way they try to be with their kids year after year, even the kids start acting out and telling them to stop. Especially daughter who mature faster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.

Unfortuately, all the therapy that helps many with austism appear "normal" in order to get through school, college, find a partner, etc. is just masking. It becomes harder and harder to basically live a lie. After 20 years or more, they at least stop hiding it in the comfort of their homes and the fallout harms primarily the spouse. I had no idea of the kind of person my husband really was into about 4 years into the marriage and it got progessively worse. 20 years in, I am under constant verbal and emotional abuse. I woud never have married him had I know. Outside the house, he acts like a normal, functioning member of society, then at home, he stops all the acting and it's a nightmare.

To this poster - I'm just wondering, has your DH been officially diagnosed? Did he actually go through therapy as a child? Not coming from a place of judgement... just wondering... have a child going through therapy and DH who I suspect is HFA but not diagnosed, so obviously did not have therapy as a child but has issues now... I have this idea that by putting my son in therapy now, I can set him up for a happier life and avoid the scenario you're describing (which I am living also), but sometimes I wonder if what you're describing is going to be my son's fate anyway. Maybe it's inevitable.

I was in a psychologically abusive marriage with a man who presented with narcissistic personality disorder. My therapist saved my relationship when she suggested my husband was on the spectrum. My husband was willing to seek an evaluation. After he was identified as being on the spectrum, his special interest began learning about theory of mind and he felt freed to be who he is. When he feels emotionally disregulated due to my doing something that is contradictory to his expectation, he now takes a beat to tell me he knows his feelings are his issue and not mine. Does he become sulky and retreat to the basement to play online tabletop games? Yes he does. But I know he will figure it out and I know it is not my fault. He know that our marriage used to abusive, however unintentional. He has made it clear how sorry he is that he caused me all that pain. We also worked out the social bit. He encourages me to do the things I like to do and goes as far as to text my friends when I am down, because he know he doesn't know the best way to help me. Simon Baron-Cohen, the preeminent expert on neurodiversity, which underlines why my marriage was able to heal. The difference between anti-social personality disorder and autism is that Autistic people have bottomless emotional empathy but lack cognitive empathy (theory of mind), while anti-social personalities have zero emotional empathy and are frequently master manipulators due to their significant cognitive empathy. That being said, not every unidentified person on the spectrum is willing to work towards understanding theory of mind. I was fortunate that my husband did.

As for your son...With a husband and three children all on the spectrum, I went back to school to learn as much as I can. The key to avoiding the excruciating statistics of self-harm and suicide for adults on the spectrum is for children and adults learn to use their gifts, see why the autistic mind is extraordinary (and why they need to learn theory of mind and cognitive flexibility), find their tribe and only mask when necessary. My children and husband are "Proud Aspies." When my third child was identified as on the spectrum, she actually celebrated.

This post was very helpful. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Autistic people do fine on their own. Maybe even with a spouse. It's when life gets complex that they fall apart.

Agree with this, especially with the bolded part. Also, glad to hear that OP has sons and no daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Autistic people do fine on their own. Maybe even with a spouse. It's when life gets complex that they fall apart.

Agree with this, especially with the bolded part. Also, glad to hear that OP has sons and no daughter.

Why not daughter? So she doesn’t fall for this same space cadet guy to marry?